by JJ Ross
“Sonny, it is not your fault. There are a lot of things that happen that we can’t explain. You had nothing to do with that drunk guy! How could you think that?”
“For what it’s worth Chance, I know he forgives you and I don’t think you should keep beating yourself up over it.”
He laughed slightly, “You’re telling me to quit beating myself up and you want to take the blame for his death all on your own!”
He brought his hands up and held me by the shoulders, “Sonny, it was not your fault. We can not choose when we die and we certainly are not responsible for random strangers that drink and drive!”
“When did you get so smart?” I joked as I cocked my head to the side and smiled, wiping another tear from my cheek. I used to say that to Drew.
“I guess I get it from my brother,” he smiled back.
“I guess so,” I replied. We sat quietly again. Suddenly I felt a queasy feeling over take me and I dashed to the bathroom that was attached to the den. Not again, I thought.
The remnants of my day’s meals made a sudden comeback. I couldn’t control it. All I could do was let my body get rid of everything I had eaten that day.
There was a faint knock as I washed my face.
“Are you okay, Sonny?”
“Yeah,” I replied as I opened the door. He was standing there with a glass of ice water which he handed me. I took it and gladly took a big swallow, “I have been sick for two or three days. There has been a bug going around so I figured it was my turn.”
“Gross! You hugged me! You better not be contagious!” he joked as he made an X with his fingers and took a step back.
I jokingly took a step in his direction, “What’s wrong Chance, can’t handle a little cold?”
He pulled me into a hug, “Whatever, come here.”
I let him hold me in a hug that insinuated more than friendship.
“I miss being friends, Chance,” I said in a soft voice finally.
“I just miss… you,” he said as he looked at my face, “And as a friend, I must say, you look like…”
I quickly broke from his arms and rushed back to the bathroom for round two.
“I think you should have your mom take you to the doctor,” he said on the other side of the door.
“I’m fine,” I yelled back, “See,” I said as I opened the door. He raised his eyebrow in suspicion. I ignored him as I pushed past him and settled back on the couch wrapping myself in a blanket to ease the chill. I took a big swig of the water again and popped a piece of gum into my mouth. He sat down next to me without a word.
After a moment, he pulled me into his chest and wrapped the blanket around us both. His embrace was always so welcoming. I closed my eyes and let the security of his arms put me to sleep.
“Baby steps,” I murmured before I drifted to sleep. Finally….sleep….real sleep.
Chapter 19
The next day I decided that I finally needed to get out of the house and decided to take a long drive. My car drove around the dirt roads cruising through the crisp day. I watched the bare trees pass me by with the icicles from the night before hanging like diamonds. It was absolutely breath taking, but I had to remind myself that the roads were still dangerous. I slowed down and kept driving. It was relaxing going for a drive. It had been a while time since I had gone farther than the grocery store.
After driving around for a little while, I pulled down the dirt road. I don’t know why I was here, but I just felt like I needed to go there one last time, alone. It wouldn’t look the same in the spring when everything and grown and sprouted, and was green, and the sounds of laughs and yells echoed around the ball fields. I got out of my car and walked across the crunchy, snow covered ground and up the familiar wooden stairs.
As usual, the door was unlocked. I swung the door open with a breeze and quickly shut it behind me to keep the chill from following me. I stood in the middle of the room and looked out of the front window at the baseball fields below me.
I could almost feel Drew with me as I looked on and imagined his finger pointing to the far fence. “I hit a ball over that fence once, and it hit a pickup truck that was parked back there. The windshield was busted, but I was so proud rounding the bases.”
I could hear his laugh fill the room as he recalled the moment. I felt myself smile at the memory. I didn’t want to let the memory go, but it tried to pass quickly.
Grief is a funny thing. Not in a humorous way, but more in an ironic way. It sneaks up on you and you can’t really push it away quick enough for it to have a hold of you. That’s how it was when I thought of Drew. I tried to treasure the good memories, but they always reminded me of my loss.
If one little thing triggered a memory, I might as well let it come take me away, because there was no use pushing it away. We were probably the last people to had been in that room. I could almost smell him as the tears started. I fell into a heap of hopelessness as my throat began to tighten up and the exhausting pain in my chest, right where my heart was, came as it always did when I thought of him.
I cried so hard and so long, that I lost track of time. I guess I had finally come to the point that I couldn’t hold anything back. I had snot building and tears flowing harder and faster. I began to gasp for air, attempting to calm myself.
Claustrophobia was setting in and I felt a panic attack approaching rapidly. I scrambled for the door and burst into the icy air taking big gulping breaths as I tried to focus on the trees or the ground, or something, just like the therapist had taught me. As I hung onto the side of the stairs, I slowly sunk down and looked up into the clear sky and then I closed my eyes and lay back on the porch of the scorekeepers building.
His voice echoed “I love you” in my ears as I lay there forcing him away. If I let him stay, it would just hurt more. I willed him away from that clear crisp day, and luckily, just then my phone rang and I jumped as if it could actually be him. I welcomed whatever distraction the call would provide.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“Nothing.” I said in a monotone fashion. Not a distraction, but another reminder. Chance.
“Oh, umm, when you get a minute, can I come over? I need to talk to you about something.”
“I’m headed home now,” I said lifting my body and heading down the steps toward my car.
“Okay, great, I will see you in a bit.” He hung up quickly as I became curious. What could Chance possibly need to talk to me about?
I pulled into the driveway and met up with Chance in the front yard. I looked at him questioning.
“Can we go upstairs?” he asked as he took my shoulders and led me toward the door.
“I guess so,” I said noting his take charge attitude, guiding me into the house and up the stairs to my room. Once inside, he shut the door and turned to me. Whatever he needed to tell me, was on a secretive level.
“Here,” he said reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a small cardboard box and handed it to me. I took it in my hands and turned it over in shock.
“Seriously!?” I asked.
“You were falling asleep last night and said something that clicked today. It only makes sense.”
“I think you’re wrong Chance. Besides, there is only one possible explanation.”
“I know,” he said quietly as he walked to the window and looked out, “just do it, okay? For me?” he asked as he turned to me.
“Okay,” I said tapping the box hesitantly.
I was sitting on my bed as Chance paced. Time was up. He stopped suddenly and looked at me. Then he nodded to the bathroom, but I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to know if my future was about to be turned upside-down.
“No, you look,” I said, already a nervous wreck. He nodded and walked into my bathroom and didn’t emerge for a long time.
Okay, maybe it was only five minutes, but it was far too long for me to wait for an answer. What was he doing? Why hadn’t he come back out yet?
“Chance?” I squ
eaked, waiting for a reply.
He slowly walked out and stood in the doorway to the bathroom. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes as he looked back down to his hands.
“Two lines is yes, right?” he choked.
“Shut up,” I said as I rushed to him in disbelief and grabbed the white stick, staring at the result.
“Well, these things are not accurate anyways!” I said sharply, stomping to the bathroom trash can and throwing it into the trash with a loud thud. I crossed my arms and stared down at the trash can in disgust, as tears flooded my eyes.
Anger set in quickly, but faded just as fast, replaced with grief and agony. My heart ached for Drew to hold me. I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I knew it was true. It wasn’t a false positive.
Drew. I need you so much right now.
This should have been our moment to share. The tears came faster without warning, but Chance was by my side quickly. He pulled me into his chest and let me soak his shirt with my tears.
“He should be here for this,” I sobbed.
“I know.”
“He wasn’t supposed to die yet,” I continued.
“I know.”
“He was supposed to grow old with me!” I cried harder.
“Sonny!” he said louder, making me flinch, as he pulled back, “Sonny, I know… I know, I know. Look, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I mean, it doesn’t have to be horrible,” he was staying calm, trying to reassure me.
“I am pregnant with your dead brother’s child! Does it get anymore horrible than that?!” I screamed stepping back. I saw more hurt overflow Chance’s face as he turned to walk away. I reached out and grabbed him,
“I’m sorry, Chance. I am so sorry. I’m just in shock. Please, don’t leave me alone right now,” I got quieter, “please?”
He looked at me for a long time and then he spoke, “Sonny, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I just want to be here for you through everything, especially this.”
I quickly sunk back into his arms and let his warmth wrap around me, letting more tears run down my cheeks, “Chance, I can’t stop loving him.”
“I don’t want you to. I just want you to love me too,” he said holding me. I sighed and melted into him.
Drew would have wanted this for me. He would have wanted me to be happy no matter what.
This is my Chance.
Thank you…
Always, thank You first to God for all He gives me and everything He blesses me with. Thank You for the time, the talent, and the patience to write this book.
Thank you to my husband for always and endlessly supporting me in all my ventures. Failures make a person grow, so thank you honey, for always being there as I “grew” and being amazing every step of the way.
Thank you to my children for always waiting while I finished “just one more chapter.” I love you both to heaven and back, because the moon isn’t enough.
Thank you always and endlessly, to my two best friends and their words of wisdom through the years. Robin and Nicole, you are both exceptional. This is actually the first book I wrote and we had talked many times about publishing it, but then I just knew that “A Little Love Baked In” had to come first. Well, here we are girls. Thank you.
To my readers and supporters: I would be nothing without you and your encouragement. I will continue to write for you and you alone.
All my love
JJ Ross
P.S. If you have any questions, comments, or want to be added to the mailing list, please reach out to me at [email protected]
