by JJ Ross
“Hey honey. Umm… how are you?”
“Fine.” I was being short with her because I was still upset with everyone.
“So, are you coming home soon? It’s getting bad out there. Worse than it has in a long time, you know?”
“We are headed back now Mom. Don’t worry.”
“Okay, well, be safe. I love you.”
“I love you too Mom,” I said as I hung up the phone. I looked up, and just as I did, I saw an 18 wheeler coming toward us, head on. He was not budging from his position and I heard the air horn blaring.
“Drew!” I screamed. He threw his arm across my body and pinned me back as the truck began to roll off the side of the road and down the cliff. His arm held me firmly in place as the truck continued to roll us around its cab.
The sound of grinding metal and crunching glass was all around me as I screamed. I closed my eyes and tried to make it stop as I held onto Drew tightly, the hot tears already running down my face.
**********
I slowly began to come to, with the sound of metal scraping like nails on a chalkboard. Were we still rolling or had we finally stopped? I still felt my head spinning. There was a blinding light on me as I tried to focus. I began to make the outline of people and a wrecker. I saw faint red and blue lights from behind trying to come through the back windshield.
I searched in the cold darkness until I felt him.
“Drew,” I whispered. I became frantic, “Drew!?”
“Sonny,” he sounded too weak to breath.
“Drew, can you move?” I asked as I struggled to get myself free. I finally got my feet up onto the seat and was trying to get a good look at what was going on. The blankets from earlier that day were all over the cab of the truck and it made it hard to tell what was fluff, and what was real. I was able to make out the figure in the seat next to me. He had the steering wheel up to his chest making it virtually impossible to move.
“Sonny, I don’t think I can get out,” he said gasping for air. The tears ran down my face as I got closer to him. I held his face and kissed his forehead.
“It’s gonna be okay, Drew, there are already people here. We are gonna get you out, okay, babe? Hang in there, okay?” I asked. I felt his head nod as I held his face. Then a tear hit my hand as he sat unmoving. I almost lost control knowing he had come to a point of weakness where a tear escaped.
“I love you, Sonny,” He breathed heavily. I smiled. Even in his current condition, he maintained his composure. I knew he was in pain and I knew how hard it was for him to breath, and yet, he still felt the need to tell me how he felt.
“I love you, always, Drew,” I said as I held him. I lightly kissed his face again.
“Ma’am?” Came a voice from behind me.
“Help him, please!” I started.
“Ma’am, can you move?”
“Yes, but you need to help him, he can barely breath!” I ignored him.
“What’s you name?”
“My name is Sonny Schneider and I need you to help my boyfriend, please!” I pleaded.
“Are you hurt?”
“No, please….”
“Sonny, we need to get you out so we can see what is going on with your friend.”
I quickly turned back to Drew, “I am gonna get out to let them help you okay?”
“Okay,” he whispered, only loud enough for me to hear. I searched next to the steering wheel and by his leg until I had his hand in mine.
“I love you Drew, hang in there okay? You’re gonna be fine…”
“Sonny, please tell Chance...” He took a deep breath, “tell him, I’m sorry, but I can’t help loving you.”
“Stop it Andrew. You can tell him later, yourself, you got that!?” I raised my voice. He was talking as if he was never going to come out of that stupid truck.
He took another deep breath, “I mean it, Sonny, tell him, tell them all…”
“You stop. I love you. I will be right back.”
Through the darkness, I saw him slightly nod his head.
“Ma’am??” the impatient voice came from behind me. I let Drew’s hand go and reluctantly, I took the stranger’s hand and crawled out from inside the crushed truck. I emerged into the floodlights with people all around. They were from the fire department and police department.
I saw a face from the crowd that I recognized. I ran to him in desperation, forcing the aching muscles to take a back seat to my worry and concern for Drew.
“SHAYNE!”
“Sonny? Are you okay?” he looked confused, standing before me in his firefighting gear. He reached up to touch my forehead, looking intently at me. It was tender, but I ignored it.
“Shayne, Drew is in the truck, please help him!”
“Drew? Drew Mitchell?!” He asked as he ran toward the truck. He pushed my rescuer out of the way and dove into the wreckage.
I heard him faintly as I was pushed to sit on the back of an ambulance. I surveyed the scene as a paramedic began to examine me and wipe the blood from my forehead.
There were two ambulances and two fire trucks. People were walking all over the place. We were on the bottom of the hill by the lake, on the main road. We had rolled from the top cliffs to the bottom. There was shattered glass, torn metal, and debris from the surrounding woods. The snow had let up, but night was setting in. I had no idea how long we had been there or how long I had been out. My body began to ache and I shivered as a slight wind blew.
“Here you go,” said a paramedic as she draped a scratchy wool blanket over my shoulders. I nuzzled it as I watched impatiently for Shayne to emerge. It felt like an eternity. I jumped to my feet as soon as I saw him walking toward me.
“Shayne! Drew… what’s…” I stopped as I noted his face. He was clearly upset.
“Shayne?” I asked. That feeling was in my stomach again. The one that let me know something wasn’t right. He looked at me with tears in his eyes.
“He said to tell Chance he is so sorry and that he loves you and only you, always.”
I froze trying to comprehend as I took a step forward.
“I know. That’s what he had told me already, but… aren’t you… I mean… get him out….” I yelled, frustrated that he wasn’t listening to me.
He put his arms on my shoulders and slowly shook his head.
“What?! No… I mean… get him out, Shayne… just… get him out… why aren’t you doing anything!?” I became hysterical.
“Sonny, listen,” he started. I tried to storm past him, dropping the green wool to the ground without care that it was freezing outside.
“Just get him out,” I cried, “GET HIM OUT! Help him! Someone listen to me!! Please!” I screamed. I could feel time stand still as everyone turned to me with a somber look written across their faces.
“Stop standing around, GET ANDREW OUT!!” I screamed at all of them. I felt Shayne’s powerful arms wrap around me. He did his best to hold me still as I tried to kick and hit my way free from him.
“Shh…Sonny…shhhh...” He said as he petted my hair.
“HELP HIM! Someone, please, help him…please,” I frantically shrieked with hot tears streaming down my frozen face, “PLEASE!”
“Sonny, I am so sorry,” Shayne whispered as he held me still to keep from hurting myself, “Really, I am so sorry.”
I was crying harder now, as I went limp in his arms. There was no reason to fight him off anymore. The worst thing that could ever happen to me had happened.
Chapter 18
The driver of the eighteen-wheeler was recovering from the night before and was still drunk when he headed out on the road that morning. After the wreck, he got out of his truck, oblivious to the fact that he had ran an old black truck off of the road, looked around, and got right back into his truck. Then he was stopped by a wreck at the bottom of the cliffs.
Not just a wreck and not just any old truck. A 1976 Ford pickup truck with a shiny black paint job. And the driver of that truck did not get to wal
k away from his truck or that wreck and the truck was far from shiny anymore. I was angry that the truck driver was able to live, let alone walk away from a tragedy unscarred.
I was angry that Drew was taken away from me but mostly, I was angry that I had let it happen, because I wanted a few minutes more with him in his truck. I had been selfish and now I would never hear him tell me he loved me or feel his body pressed against mine as his arms stayed wrapped around me. Never again.
I had told my parents that I refused to go to the funeral for Drew. I denied every attempt from anyone to get me to go. I didn’t deserve to be there. I had made a decision on the day of the service that I would stay home. I didn’t want to be in a room full of people that would only judge me. I’m sure a lot of people blamed me, too. People with half the story, but they blamed me, nonetheless.
I also refused to come out of my room. I wanted to sulk and stare at the stack of books for the classes I had enrolled in. They were still shiny and untouched. The college gave me an extension to get myself together before I came back to school. They said I could have until the next fall and there would not be any repercussions. My scholarship would stay intact.
I sat in my room while everyone was getting ready for the funeral. I heard the hushed voices of my parents from downstairs as I sat in a chair looking out of the window onto the backyard. The snow was falling and it had settled on everything, making it a beautiful winter wonderland.
I knew there was no way I could bring myself to go. Just go and let everyone see me for the mess I was and the mess I had created? I didn’t think so. I sat quietly, and turned off everything electronic. I didn’t want to read any books. They all had happy endings and love stories, which only made me angrier.
In my frustration, I finally got up and flopped onto my bed. I lay back and stared at the ceiling trying to clear my mind, but all I could think of was his face. His beautiful smiling face, saying I love you. I traced it with my fingers. The curve of his mouth, the dimples. Sigh. His amazing face.
I replayed his voice, “You can’t throw away your future for me,” but I still couldn’t make myself get up. I was numb. There were no tears to cry anymore and no screaming left. I had my screaming fits and rages and thrown things, and now, I just lay on my bed like a statue. Like a dead person. Did I wish I could just resort to before and take the easy way out? I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I had thought about it.
Maybe I was willing myself to die. Maybe I was just waiting for it to happen, as if God would strike me dead where I lay. I shook my head as a single tear escaped. Nope, still alive. Dead people don’t cry.
I couldn’t get that lucky. I couldn’t just die on my own free will. I couldn’t take my own life, either. The pain that had crossed Drew’s face when he recalled my first attempt, was enough of a reminder as to why I couldn’t. It convinced me that there was still something to live for. But what?
I jerked awake and glanced at my clock. I had only been asleep for 30 minutes, which seemed pretty common the last couple of days. I sighed heavily as I sat up. Somehow I managed to take a shower and get myself dressed. I don’t know how, but I was up and functioning. I felt as if my heart had been ripped from my chest and destroyed, but I could still feel it beating steadily, in its designated place.
All I could think over and over was… just let me die… make the pain stop. Please God… make it stop. Why did you let me live?
His voice was in my head again, “You can’t throw away your future
for me. Get up, babe.”
“I’ll try, Drew. I’ll try,” I replied to the empty room.
Before I could keep feeling sorry for myself, I was already in my car and then at the church. I don’t know how I ended up there, and I can’t tell you what I looked like or how I was dressed, but I was going through the motions. I eased open the huge, heavy oak door and quietly slipped inside. I needed to do this.
Well, I thought I was quiet. Some people in the back pews turned to get a look at me and then turned their attention back to the front. I watched quietly from the back as everyone listened intently to the preacher. It was a sea of black clothes, with faint cries and sniffling all around. I wanted to see him.
I need to see him, I finally decided.
I made my way up the aisle quietly, carefully. The room began to quiet down as the preacher stopped speaking and looked up at me. I froze in my place. Could I do this?
Then, I took another big breath as I began to walk forward again. I think there was a gasp or two in the crowd. There was whispering but I managed to drown it all out. They didn’t know…they just thought they knew. I’m sure the story had already been twisted into something awful.
I stopped in front of the dark mahogany casket and held my breath. I heard the faint whispers pick up all around me again, as I looked down. He lay there, surrounded by white plush filling. I breathed slowly as I felt the ache in my chest rise. No sweet cologne, no faint smell of the soap he used. He looked like he was asleep, as if I could just nuzzle him and he would smile his perfect smile at me and kiss my forehead. The quiet tears started to stream down my face.
I reached out and gently stroked his hair and then letting my hand drop a bit, I stroked his cheek as I looked at him lovingly. He may have looked like my Drew, but he did not feel like my Drew. He did not have the usual heat on his face or slight grin. I quickly jerked my hand away in surprise at the odd, cold feel of his face.
“Why Drew, why?” I whispered as the tears fought harder to escape. Why did you leave me? I need you. I love you.
Suddenly, I felt a strong familiar arm drape across my shoulders and pull me in close as I let the tears come harder. I let the full wail of a cry escape me, echoing through the church.
“Sonny, it’s gonna be okay,” whispered Chance into my hair as he held me tight, “It’s gonna be okay,” he repeated, in an attempt to convince himself.
By the end of February, I was able to go outside without crying I made sure I ate and my mother began to calm down with her worrying. She let off on the therapy too. I had said my peace and accepted that this would hurt, so I was given some coping strategies and told I only had to see my therapist once every two or three weeks. Although I had secluded myself from everything and everyone, I still functioned and my parents no longer worried that I would hurt myself.
I slept, showered, and ate. I was trying to be normal, just without the social life I once had. I couldn’t bare it. Everything and everyone reminded me of him. Even without trying to, the world was imprinted with him and I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted normal back. I wanted him back.
Some days, I was mad that I had ever let myself go see Drew that night, but then most days, I wouldn’t trade our love for the world. Blame was thrown around all over the place. I blamed myself for running after him, because if I hadn’t, he never would have been at the lake. Chance blamed himself for loving me and blowing up at his brother.
Even my own father blamed himself for Drew’s death, because if he had just let us be happy, we probably would have avoided a lot of heartache and loss. There was a lot of healing to be done between our two families and we were all doing our best.
**********
I was sitting in the den watching TV, when there was a knock on the back door. My heart jumped, but I quickly made myself realize there were now only three people that would come to that door.
“Come in,” I said loudly without moving from my slouched position on the couch. Chance stuck his head in and around the door frame to look at me.
“Hey…” he said quietly.
“Hey Chance, come on in.”
He quietly shut the door behind himself as he stomped the snow from his boots.
“Is your dad here?”
“No, he hasn’t gotten home from work. Why? Did you need something?”
“Just a Phillip’s head screw driver. I will wait ‘til he comes home. It’s fine.”
I hesitated for a moment. He stood quietly, letting the unc
omfortable silence build. He cleared his throat as he turned to reach for the door handle.
“Chance,” I said a bit shrill, surprising myself.
“Yes?”
“Please stay for a while,” I said as I moved over making a spot for him to sit down. He eyed the spot and then walked across the room to me.
“Okay, but only for a little while.”
He plopped down next to me and we sat quietly watching the movie for a long time. The last time I had spent more than five minutes with him was at the funeral and afterwards. Other than that, the only people I even interacted with were my parents and my therapist.
“How are you?” I asked finally, with genuine concern. He turned to me with hurt in his eyes. I watched as the tears came slowly, welling up in the bottoms of his crystal blue eyes. I reached up and softly wiped the tears that had escaped down his cheek with the sleeve of my sweater. He sniffed quietly and turned his head looking away.
“The worst part, the absolute worst part about everything is that the last memory I have of us is that we were fighting.” He shook his head in shame.
I lightly touched his arm to try to comfort him, “Chance, listen…”
He shrugged me off, “No, Sonny, I told him I hated him!”
I quickly pulled him into my arms with no intent to let him go. He needed me the ways I had always needed him. I had to be there for him this time. I held him firmly, letting him break down. I felt him tense up but then slowly his muscles began to relax as he laid his head on my shoulder. He let me hold him, comforting him for a long while. Then, he sat up straight and looked at me.
“I’m sorry for everything, Sonny. I really am. I should have just let you be happy, but I was selfish,” he explained. I felt extremely sad at that moment as I thought of so many things we had experienced together. Not only had I lost Drew, but I had lost a great friend through everything. Chance.
“I’m sorry too. I feel like it is my fault. I mean, he only drove up to the cliffs because I was with him. Then, he only stayed because I didn’t want to leave. He tried to bring me home sooner, but I wasn’t ready,” I cried. Chance pulled me back into a hug.
