Battered Not Broken

by Rose, Ranae

  “Yeah.” She’d made it through everything that had happened years ago. She could live through it being rehashed.

  “All right. Let me know if you change your mind. You can call me any time, even if it’s late.”

  “Thanks.” Though she knew she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to actually call him in the middle of the night, the offer of a digital lifeline lit a spark of appreciation inside her anyway. That she wouldn’t call mattered less than the fact that he would answer if she did.

  “Even if I don’t hear from you tonight, I want you to call me in the morning.”

  She looked up to meet his gaze, searching for something she couldn’t quite put a name to – obligation, or maybe something to contradict the honesty in his voice.

  It wasn’t there, and that made her want to breathe a sigh of relief. “I will.”

  She walked him to the door and watched him climb into his mustang. Her heart seemed to slow as he drove away, leaving her alone with his promise to answer if she called. He’d probably set the bag filled with her clothing on the passenger seat, where she would’ve been riding if she’d accepted his invitation. Somewhere, a piece of her was still in there, making the journey from her neighborhood to his.

  Closing and locking both doors, she turned to where her mother still sat at the kitchen table. “Don’t cry, mamá.”

  * * * * *

  Ally hurried into Annalisa’s. In the turmoil of the night before, she’d totally forgotten about her and Melissa’s standing date for brunch. Every other Sunday, they met there at ten-thirty for waffles. Not the kind with chicken Ryan had introduced her to, but ones piled with whipped cream and strawberries. It was a tradition – one she’d forgotten about until ten-fifteen. “Sorry I’m late.” She settled into the booth where Melissa was already waiting.

  “It’s no big deal.” Melissa removed her scarf and shrugged off her jacket. “Is everything okay? You look like you didn’t get any sleep.”

  “I didn’t,” Ally admitted. At least, what little sleep she’d gotten had been fitful. After trying to comfort her mother, who’d been reduced to tears by Manny’s visit, she’d gone to bed, incredibly tired but totally awake.

  There, she’d thought of Manny. She’d thought of the man he’d killed for longer than she had in a long time. She’d thought of her mother and her father. And she’d thought of Ryan. “Manny has started coming around again.”

  Melissa’s eyes went wide above the rim of the coffee cup a waitress had recently delivered. “After all this time?”

  Ally nodded and filled Melissa in on Manny’s two tense visits.

  “Why do you think he’s suddenly so interested in being around you and your mother again?”

  “I think…” It was a question she’d asked herself a hundred times the night before. Manny wasn’t the same brother who’d eagerly watched half of Jaws with her before their parents had caught them and put a stop to it. He’d stopped being that person when he’d transferred his loyalty from their father to their uncle Carlos – their father’s brother by blood but not by association. “I think he feels like we’re disrespecting him by refusing to have anything to do with him. He really wants us to attend his wedding this summer. And I think maybe a part of him actually does miss having a family.”

  They paused their conversation as a waitress appeared at the side of the table and took their orders.

  “I thought he said the gang was his family,” Melissa mused when the waitress had gone.

  That was exactly what Manny had said when he’d joined the gang known as Casa de Ladrillos, a reference to the little brick house that the gang had been started in – a house that had been hell for their father until he’d escaped it during his late teens. “He did. Years ago when he was nineteen and left to be Carlos’ underling. Maybe he’s finally realized how twisted Carlos is.”

  “Took him long enough.” Melissa set her coffee cup down on the table, looking suitably disgusted, like the good friend she was.

  “Yeah, but in a way I wish he hadn’t realized it at all. It’s not like he’s going to cut ties with the gang. He just wants to suck us into that life. He kept saying things about how I wouldn’t have to fight and would be better off if he was in our lives. Like we’d want his money or something.”

  “I guess it really has been a while since he’s known you,” Melissa said drily. “I can’t imagine you giving up fighting, even if you won the lottery.”

  Ally nodded. Give up MMA? Never. “I do it for the money because I need the money. If I didn’t, I’d do it just to challenge myself. He doesn’t get that.” He didn’t get anything, really.

  “What are you going to do about him coming around?”

  “I don’t know.” A twinge of guilt assailed her, making her heart feel small and tightly-trapped inside her chest. “I told him we didn’t want him around because of his lifestyle, but he couldn’t care less. And after last night, I feel kind of guilty.”

  “Guilty?” Melissa raised an eyebrow, her expression disbelieving.

  “Yeah.” Ally inhaled and held the breath a little longer than usual, as if the oxygen could supplement her courage. She didn’t fear her friend’s reaction. It was the simple process of speaking what she’d been thinking out loud that she dreaded. “Manny told me something last night.” Keeping her voice low and leaning across the table, she explained Manny’s revelation as quickly as she could.

  The waitress who’d taken their orders reappeared with two plates of waffles. Ally leaned back while the woman set them on the table, making friendly small talk with Melissa. They spoke briefly about work – something about the following week’s shift schedule. Ally didn’t really hear. It was a relief when the waitress left.

  “He killed because of me, with Carlos’ help. I can’t help but think – what if that was like, the point of no return for him?” Manny had begun to show signs of rebellion before then, after their father had gone to prison. With their father gone, Carlos had come around the house under the pretense of watching out for his brother’s family. Really, he’d been poaching Manny for his gang. Had he lured him in for good with the promise of revenge?

  “Manny knew about your dad’s history with his brother. He was nineteen, not a kid like your dad was when Carlos started manipulating him. He made his own decision.” Melissa leaned across the table, wearing an expression of determination she sometimes donned before matches. “Do not blame yourself for the life he willingly chose to lead.”

  Ally’s insides twisted. It was hard to be sure if the uncomfortable sensation was due to stubborn guilt over Manny or a result of worrying her friend. Maybe both. “What if he chose it because of me, though? I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but I don’t think I can help it.”

  Melissa flashed Ally a sad little frown as she unrolled her napkin, freeing the silverware within. “Sorry, Ally. This whole thing with Manny sucks. What happened six years ago wasn’t fair, and neither is what he’s putting you through now.”

  Ally mirrored her friend’s motions, unwrapping her own silverware. The scent of waffles, cream and strawberries resting on the table in front of her rose to fill her nostrils. The normally appealing aroma seemed different than usual – more sickly-sweet than anything, a saccharine smell that did nothing to stir her appetite. “On top of everything, I think I have to tell Ryan what happened. I’m dreading that even more than I’m dreading seeing Manny again.”

  Melissa paused midway through cutting the first bite of her waffles free. “Why do you have to tell Ryan?”

  “He walked in on my argument with Manny last night. He’d just dropped me off after our date and heard arguing inside. He came in to make sure everything was all right, and I’m not sure how much he heard.”

  “That doesn’t mean you have to tell him everything if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it. You guys have only been going out for what, like a week and a half?”

  Ally gnawed the inside of her lower lip. When Melissa said it like that, she ma
de it sound so simple. But she didn’t know all the details of her and Ryan’s time together – she didn’t know the secrets of his Ally had stumbled into and discovered by accident. “I think it would be weird not to say anything after what he walked in on, don’t you?”

  “I think it’s up to you,” Melissa said, gesturing with her fork. “If you think your relationship is heading somewhere serious, go ahead and tell him. If not, why put yourself through that?”

  Again, she made it sound so simple. Maybe it was.

  Chapter 16

  Ally had called Ryan that morning like she’d promised to. When he’d asked her if she wanted to see him that day, she’d told him about her standing brunch date with Melissa and promised to call him afterward. She hadn’t been sure at the time why she’d begged off committing to anything until then, but by the time she’d arrived home from Annalisa’s, it had made sense.

  She’d wanted Melissa’s input. Sometimes it helped to have another perspective on a situation – to hear someone who wasn’t directly touched by her problems tell her that her reactions weren’t completely off the wall. And Melissa had agreed that she should tell Ryan about the ugly past Manny had dug up – if she felt comfortable, and if she thought they were heading somewhere serious.

  The idea of dumping an explanation of her past on Ryan made her feel anything but comfortable. On the other hand, the idea of keeping the facts to herself like some kind of secret he’d been granted an accidental glimpse of made her feel even more uneasy. After all, he’d already heard part of it from Manny. She might as well fill him in on the rest of the story instead of leaving him to wonder or draw his own conclusions.

  As far as she knew, she was the only person in the city – besides his doctor – who knew about his TBI, about the explosion he’d been caught in and the way it still affected him. The fact that no one else knew made it feel like he’d trusted her with a secret. Of course, she’d stumbled into the knowledge that night when he’d gotten sick and she’d driven him home. Sort of like he’d stumbled in on her argument with Manny the night before.

  Yes, she’d tell him. Because Manny and the problems he caused weren’t just going to go away, and neither was the past. She was sharing a bed and even a drawer with Ryan. Maybe that didn’t mean ‘serious’ to some people, but it went seriously beyond any intimacy she’d ever shared with any other man. If she could do those things, she could let him in on what was going on.

  Her palms sweated when she dialed his number on her cell phone.

  He picked up on the second ring and asked her how her brunch had gone.

  She told him it had gone well. By the end of the conversation, she’d promised to choose a movie from her collection for them to watch at his place. She knew they wouldn’t bother, but if felt good to pretend, if only briefly, that she was going over there to do something other than dump her secrets in his lap.

  When he arrived she walked out to the curb with a movie in hand. She hadn’t put much thought into choosing it.

  “Do you want to drive?” he asked her when she opened the passenger-side door and prepared to climb in.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Her heart sank a little at the thought of him slipping into another pain-filled day.

  “I’m fine. I just thought you might want the practice. For your license?”

  “Oh. Right. Yeah, I’ll drive.”

  It felt good to slip into the driver’s seat. Mostly because it meant she’d have to devote her concentration purely to the task at hand. The only thing she and Ryan would discuss during the drive would be directions.

  She made it to his apartment building without incident. Pulling into an empty space and putting the car into park made her heart speed instead of slow, for once.

  Once inside his apartment, she took off her shoes and jacket, draping the latter over the back of a kitchen chair.

  “Want something to drink?” He opened the refrigerator and bent down to peer inside.

  “Yeah. Whatever you have will be fine.”

  He poured her a glass of orange juice. “Guess I need to go grocery shopping,” he said, frowning down at the carton. “I’ve got breakfast stuff, but not much else.”

  “I like orange juice. It’s fine.” She took the glass and sank down onto one of the chairs at the small kitchen table as he poured one for himself.

  “Yeah, well, I hoped you would.” He leaned against the island and lifted his glass halfway to his mouth. “I stocked up on lots of breakfast stuff after we made plans for you to spend the night last Friday.”

  “Really?” Despite her nervousness, her lips curled into a small, involuntary smile. The notion of him preparing for her night at his place was undeniably pleasing. “That was sweet of you.”

  “It was a strategic move. Breakfast is pretty much the only meal I know how to cook, so I thought I’d try to impress you before you discovered that.”

  She took a long drink of her orange juice, letting the sweet-tart taste flood her mouth as her thoughts drifted once more to the previous night. “Yesterday,” she said, “when you walked in on my argument with my brother…”

  “I’ve been thinking about that,” he admitted. “Are you sure you’re all right? You said you were estranged from him.”

  “I was. Me and my mother – we were, until just recently. He’s started coming around again for the first time in several years. Uninvited.”

  “And unwelcome, right?”

  She nodded. “He belongs to a local gang my uncle Carlos runs – Casa de Ladrillos. It’s not very big, and you’ve probably never heard of it. They sell drugs in their own neighborhood, mostly. My brother Manny is second in command – completely under Carlos’ thumb. We don’t want him around because of that.”

  “And he’s respected that until now?”

  “Yes. Carlos lured him into the gang after my father went to prison. When my mother told my father during a visit, he was furious. He told us to tell Manny that as long as he associated with Carlos, under no circumstances was he allowed inside our home, and we did. As far as our father was concerned, Manny stopped being a member of our family the day he joined Casa de Ladrillos.”

  “What does he want?”

  Ally shrugged. “For us to come to his wedding this summer. And act like we’re still family, apparently. I think he feels like we’re disrespecting him by ignoring him, and that I owe him.”

  Ryan’s brows drew together as he set his glass down on the counter. “For what?”

  Ally ignored the fact that her stomach was a tight bundle of knots. If the current conversation had taken place an hour sooner, she probably would’ve thrown up her waffles. “My father went to prison for attacking and seriously injuring someone. I think he would’ve killed the man, if the police hadn’t arrived and stopped him.”

  Ryan’s expression didn’t change as he listened.

  “My father isn’t normally violent. He did it because the man had raped me.”

  His expression did change then, darkening. Even his eyes seemed to change color. Maybe it was because of the shadow his knit brows cast over them, but they were a shade of blue that reminded her of the Inner Harbor’s dark, deep water that had frightened her as a child.

  “The man who did it was a drug addict, from a different part of the city. He’d come to our area to buy drugs.”

  “How long ago was this?” The dangerous look in Ryan’s eyes told her he was probably thinking the same way her father had been at the time.

  Fortunately, there was no exacting vengeance against a dead man.

  “Almost six years ago. I was in my last year of highschool then, and one of my friends had talked me into joining the drama club. I stayed late that day for practice and it was almost dark when I was walking home. He … accosted me along the way.”

  The synapses in her brain sparked with memories. It was strange – some details had been dulled so severely by time that she’d practically forgotten them, while others stood out crystal clear.

  T
he initial spike of panic when the man had grabbed her as she’d passed in front of a house with an open front door, the smell of his unwashed body and the way he’d laughed when she’d tried to wrench herself free from his grip and had ended up spraining her wrist instead – those were the details she remembered most vividly. That and the coppery taste of blood that had flooded her tongue when he’d pushed her down and pressed his palm over her mouth, silencing her with such force that the insides of her lips had bled against her teeth.

  When it had happened, she’d hardly been able to comprehend the reality that one moment she’d been walking on the sidewalk and the next she’d been inside the house, the aged wooden kitchen floor pressing hard against her back while the stranger had crushed her with his body.

  His fingertips and the heel of his palm had dented her cheeks, bruising them. And the floorboards had left their marks on her back. Even years later, she didn’t quite remember how he’d wrestled her inside, and it still didn’t seem wholly real that she’d gone from her routine walk to hell in the blink of an eye.

  “And you didn’t know the guy?”

  “I’d noticed him a few times before when walking home from school. I guess he planned it, or at least thought about it before then. But I’d never thought that anything like that would happen.”

  “Your father did the right thing,” Ryan said, a harder edge to his voice than she’d ever heard before. He hadn’t changed positions, but he gripped the edge of the counter hard with one hand, his knuckles white. His jaw seemed stronger than usual and a fat tendon stood out beneath it, running the length of his neck like a steel cord.

  “He was outraged.” Actually, outraged didn’t even begin to cover it. Her father had been more furious than Ally had ever seen him – more furious than Ally had ever seen anyone. It had scared her, at the time, especially since he was usually a soft-spoken man. And those fears had turned out to be justified. His reaction to her ordeal had cost him his freedom for several years.