Measuring Up

by Nyrae Dawn

  It happens automatically and I don’t realize I’ve playfully smacked his arm until I've already done it. “I didn’t almost knock you out. Stop making me feel bad.”

  “Whatever you say, Rocky.” He looks at me and winks, exactly the way his mom did before pulling away.

  We’re both quiet. So quiet I fear he might hear my stomach growl. I skipped breakfast this morning, a major no-no on Tegan’s list. I really don’t get that breakfast is the most important meal of the day crap. “Where are we going?” His tattooed arm is his left so even though I’m pretty sure his sleeve is high enough that I should be able to see it, I can’t because it faces his window.

  “Right outside of town. There are some trails people jog on. It’s real secluded except for the joggers. If you keep going there’s a little park out there too. Not real big. Just some picnic tables and stuff. That cool?”

  “Um, yeah. Secluded sounds good to me.”

  Tegan turns his head a little, giving me a really wicked smile. “If you wanted to be alone with me, you just had to ask.”

  “I-!” have no idea what to say… “You are so conceited!”

  “I’m just giving you crap. You make it way too easy. I’m trapped in that gym most of my life and the other girls aren’t nearly as fun as you.”

  My stomach starts to feel queasy and it has nothing to do with skipping out on breakfast. Today he’s the light, sarcastic Tegan. “I’m sure I make a much easier mark than them.”

  He squints his eyes, trying to figure out what I mean and then says, “Hey. That’s not what I meant, Annabel Lee. I meant… I guess I just meant I don’t have fun with the rest of them. I need a little fun in my life.”

  Butterflies chase away the nausea. Who knew butterflies could be so fierce? Right now, mine are, because I think he just admitted something that might not have been too easy for him. I shrug and smile. “Thanks?” How stupid. I sound like I’m asking him. “I mean, thanks. Me, too.”

  He laughs. “You don’t have to lie. I know you’re pissed at me half the time. Especially when I ask you somewhere and don’t show up…”

  I don’t know what to say to that so I don’t say anything. We’re quiet the rest of the way. It doesn’t take long before Tegan’s pulling his car into an almost deserted lot. The grass behind it is a vivid green and well-trimmed. Little hills dance across the distance, nothing major, but they definitely add to the visual. Trees provide shade, but it’s not overbearing. I don’t feel like I’m Grisly Adams in the forest or anything. “How did I not know this place was here?”

  We get out of the car. “It’s pretty much for joggers or bikers. I mean, everyone can come, but not many people do.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “Yep. It’s one of my favorite places. We’ll see if you still like it after we’re done today.” Tegan winks at me, before grabbing something out of his trunk and tossing it at me. Luckily I catch it.

  “Geez, warn a girl. You could have poked my eye out.”

  “As opposed to punching it?”

  “Whatever.” I look at what he handed me. It’s some kind of breakfast bar. I raise my eyebrows at him. What is this guy, psychic or something?

  “You need to eat to lose weight. Just make sure it’s healthy. Plus, you need energy before we head out.”

  “How’d you…”

  “I didn’t, but thanks for confirming my suspicion.”

  This boy is too much! I feel all upside down and backward around him. But the surprising part is, I kind of enjoy it. Not that I’d ever admit it to him. “You suck.” Before he can reply I turn so my back is to him and start eating the stupid bar. I hear a package open, telling me he’s eating one as well. Tegan offers to take my water bottle for me and before I know it, he’s leading me to a path to begin our run. My heart beats about a million miles an hour. My palms are already sweaty and I’m really starting to doubt my own sanity for coming out here with him.

  As always, Tegan seems to know. He stops me when we get to the path. “Hey.” I turn to face him. He steps toward me and I don’t know why, but I gasp. He’s so close the butterflies are back in my belly. Why is he so close? His arms reach toward me and I swear I feel like I might pass out and then he’s rubbing my arms up and down like my dad would before a pep talk or something. Boys have such an ability to screw with a girl’s head. What did I think he would do?

  “Relax, Rocky. You’re going to knock this out just like you did me.”

  Why does he insist on bringing this up?

  “We’re going to take it slow. Jog a bit, walk, jog some more. No biggie. Got it?”

  “Got it.” And then he’s not touching me anymore and jogging away. I ignore the rapid fire beat of my heart and join him. Neither of us talk as we make our way down the path at a slow pace. I’m distinctly aware of him beside me, those soulful eyes of his looking forward. Speaking of forward, maybe I should be looking there too.

  So I do. I face the front, trying to focus on nature around us when really all I’m paying attention to is the way our feet pound against the ground to a shared beat. Bump, bump, bump, bump. Our breaths mingle; his mine, his mine. Our own music, and we’re playing together without trying. It’s then I realize, I like the tune. Maybe a little too much.

  “You doing okay over there, Annabel Lee?” You can hardly hear the difference in his voice. He could be lounging on the couch as winded as he sounds.

  “Yep.” And I am. Sure I feel a little out of breath, and my legs are starting to plead with me to give them a break, but it’s not overbearing. It actually feels kind of good.

  “Told you, you had this. We’ll go a little longer, slow it down to a fast walk and then pick it up again.”

  This time I only nod in reply. I’m back to our music. The slight rustle of the air in the trees adding a wind section. The way my heart drums, urging me on because this crazy wild rhythm is good for it. And as lame and cheesy as it sounds, it feels freeing. I keep going, keep my focus until Tegan’s elbow nudges me.

  “Let’s take it down a notch.”

  When he says a notch, that’s exactly what he means. This isn’t a leisurely stroll.

  “You were out there. I’d like to see you tell me you aren’t enjoying this. I mean, of course you’re enjoying it because I’m here, but the jog too—”

  That earns him a sharp smack on the arm. “Ouch!”

  “You deserved that. We need to take you down a notch.”

  Tegan turns so he’s walk/jogging backward, looking at me. “You like it. Admit you like me teasing you.”

  “Admit it, you’re always fishing for compliments.”

  “If I admit it, will you?”

  “I admit nothing.”

  “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

  It takes a minute to realize what’s going on here. Are we flirting? It’s such a strange concept. I’ve never flirted in my life. Maybe that’s not what this is. And if it is, it’s because Tegan is like that. Kind of flirty. And me? Well I guess I’m getting hypnotized by our music.

  “Break over.” Before I have a chance to comprehend what he said, he’s jogging away and I’m running to try to catch up. It only takes a minute, partly because I somehow find a new burst of energy and also because he slows down for me. We continue on the path doing our walk/jog thing and before I know it, we’ve made a loop and we’re almost back to the car.

  There’s a burning tingle running the length of my legs. And it sucks. Seriously, it doesn’t feel good, but in other ways it does. Like Tegan said, it sort of feels like my war wound. Proof that I’ve accomplished something.

  “We’re almost there. Push a little bit more and I’m done torturing you for the day. I swear.”

  As soon as we make it back to the car, I collapse in the grass. I’m too tired to care how it looks. The air fights to escape me, but I reel it in, taking deep, long breaths until they smooth into a steady rhythm.

  Like he’d just woken up from a nap, Tegan hands me my water and sit
s next to me. He has his hands latched, arms around his legs, feet on the ground in a totally relaxed position. Jerk.

  But it’s then I realize he just helped me see something I’ve been way too curious about. The sleeve of his shirt is high enough that I see his sculpted arm and the tattoo on it. It’s some kind of symbol. I’m not sure what it means, but then there’s a name under it too.

  Timmy.

  He has a tattoo of his brother’s name. It’s cool in so many ways, but gives me a ton of questions too. He’s so hush, hush when it comes to his brother that the declaration on his arm surprises me.

  My heart is no longer beating crazily. It’s buried somewhere in my feet.

  “Are you checking me out?” he asks, a smile in his voice, only I can’t reply. I keep staring at the tattoo. All the dark swirly lines of the design. Each small letter spelling out Timmy’s name. Wow… I feel like I’m going to be sick, even though it makes no sense.

  “What?” he looks down. “Oh. It means brothers and the other is forever.”

  “That’s cool. I like it.”

  Tegan pushes his hair out of his face. The tense Tegan is back. He’s quiet and I’m quiet because I don’t know if I should say anything or not. The air around us is thick. It’s probably only eight, but I’m feeling hot and not sure it has anything to do with the run I just took. There’s something about him that does crazy things to me. I wish I knew how he did it.

  It could have been a minute or an eternity before he talks again. It’s hard to tell. “You hung out with my family yesterday.” He looks at me and there’s something different in his eyes. It’s not the playfulness, the cockiness or the tenseness. It takes me a moment to realize what it is. It’s vulnerability and it steals my breath. So much so I can only nod in reply.

  “And you didn’t ask about me. Didn’t fish for answers. Didn’t mention I bailed on you. You just…hung out. Like you wanted to.”

  There’s something that sounds like awe in his voice, like I did something exceptional or something. I’m not exceptional. I’m just me. “Umm, yeah. It was fun. Tim beat me at cards and your mom is incredible.”

  Another long silence.

  “Are they why you’re here right now?”

  His question confuses me. Little sound bites of our fight pops into my head. When he asked if having a crippled brother excused him. Does he think I’m here because I feel sorry for him? “No… But I’m still mad at you, too. I mean, there’s a part of me who gets it, but another who thinks it’s not too much to ask that you picked up a phone.”

  He turns his head, still sitting in that relaxed position and looks at me. I shiver. He’s so beautiful. I shouldn’t think that, but I do.

  “But you’re still here?” There’s so much behind his question that I don’t understand, but hear it all the same.

  “I’m still here.” My reply matches the question in his.

  A car pulls up in the lot behind us. Just a second later a bike zips by. People are starting to show up and I hadn’t noticed. Tegan stands. “Come on. Let’s go for a walk.” He holds out his hand which is all sorts of strange. I mean, sweet, but strange. I’ve never had a boy do that before. It reminds me of a movie or something, but I push those thoughts away and let him help me up. When he lets go, I miss his touch.

  After we walk a little way, he says, “You also never apologized.”

  I’m at a loss on what I’m supposed to be apologizing for. Apparently he reads my confusion because he says, “Because I have a handicapped brother. I can’t tell you how many times people meet Timmy and then tell me they’re sorry.”

  “It sucks, don’t get me wrong, but he seems happy. Well-adjusted and all that.”

  Tegan huffs which isn’t the reply I expect. “He is. Timmy’s such a kickass kid. That’s what makes it all even worse.”

  “Yeah—”

  Tegan cuts me off before I can finish. “Listen, I just want to apologize again for not showing the other day. Mom needed help with something and I didn’t want to say anything because…I guess I’m just fucking sick of it being an excuse for everything, good or bad. People get all weird when it comes to Timmy. They either pity us and walk on eggshells or they don’t know how to deal with it at all, so they don’t.”

  It’s a link between us I never would have expected. Each of his words spark something inside my heart because I feel the same way. I hate pity. I think about the way he refused my help that first day, the look he gave. “That first day—when I helped—I didn’t mean for you to think—“

  “No, no.” He stops me with his hand. “Okay, maybe kind of, but that was different. The way you just jumped in like that,” he shrugs. “It was kind of cool. There wasn’t that awkwardness, ya know? Like you felt obligated to help, but then like you thought his paralysis might be contagious at the same time. I hate that.”

  We start walking again. “Wow, people really act like that?” It’s not like he’s a leper or something.

  “I don’t know. Seems like it. Maybe it’s just me and I’m too damn sensitive about it.” He chuckles.

  The urge to admit something to him too plays hide and seek inside me. I want to, but don’t know if I can.

  “So yeah… thanks. For all of it. The help that day, hanging out with them because you wanted to…And now I’m done. That’s about enough of my sob story to last a lifetime.”

  I take some of his bravery, amazed by how protective he is of his family. “It’s not a sob story. I get it…I mean, not in the same way.” I study the ground as we walk. “But the pity thing—I get it.”

  “Who?” he asks.

  “Everyone?” My laughter isn’t real.

  “Who?” he asks again.

  How does he know? Maybe the bigger question is can I tell him? “I thought we were done with sob stories?”

  “Nope.” He shakes his head. “You’re not getting out of this. Just this one thing and then we’re done.” He nudges my arm with his and yes, it makes me a little giddy.

  Giddiness had power, because I say, “Two people mostly. A guy from school and—and my mom.”

  Tegan curses under his breath, but there’s no apology. No pity.

  “So… how did you end up becoming a trainer?” I’ll do anything to change the subject. Plus, there are so many things I still want to know about him. Why does he work so hard? What happened to Tim? Who left them that makes him doubt people want to stick around?

  “Timmy. It all leads back to him, doesn’t it?” His voice sounds sad. “I just kind of became obsessed with the human body. It really can do amazing, things, Annabel Lee.”

  There’s the name again. I wonder where it comes from.

  “It’s the only thing to do, and I have to do something, ya know? He’s my brother—my family.” Tegan picks his cuticle like he’s almost nervous. I’ve never seen him nervous before. “It’s my job to take care of him, both of them, but him especially. When I get my degree, I’m going to do whatever it takes to help him walk again.”

  Something inside me almost…shifts. It’s like my eyes have been pried open and I see him. I’m really seeing him for the first time. Not the gorgeous boy, the flirty boy, the one who has girls checking him out left and right at the gym. Not the guy who refuses help or gets edgy when it comes to his brother or his condition. No, I’m seeing the guy who didn’t flinch when he saw my weight. Who boxed with me and laughed when I hit him. The guy who would do anything to help people. People like me or people like Tim.

  The scary part? The one that makes me want to turn around and jog my big butt to my car and never look back is I realize how much I really like what I see. And that can’t be good for me. “Degree?” My voice cracks.

  “Physical therapist. College soon. I’m bored of talking about me though. Tell me something about the determined boxing queen that I don’t know.”

  I struggle not to trip. “Ummm. There’s not much to tell.”

  “What? Girls love to talk about themselves, don’t they? I’m givi
ng you the prime opportunity.” He nudges me again. “I’m good at this, huh?”

  Laughter falls out of my mouth. “No, actually, I think you need to be seen by a doctor because there’s something wrong with you. Didn’t you just tell me the other day you don’t understand girls?”

  “Damn, I forgot all that honestly from earlier. Now it’s screwin’ with my game.”

  My feet glue to the concrete, keeping me from moving. Tegan stops too, giving me one of his confused looks, his eyes searching me, trying to see everything inside me.

  “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?” He pushes at that same wayward lock of hair that always falls down in his face.

  “The hot stuff at the gym. Say things are messing with your game.” As soon as the words come out I pray for the ability to snatch them back, but inside they repeat in my head. Could I say anything lamer? But the fact is, I really need to know.

  “I don’t know… It’s called flirting, I guess. Maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s when a girl or a guy—”

  His words give me a rush stronger than our jog just did. My skin burns with heat. Tegan just admitted to flirting with me! “You know what I mean.” Despite my shock, I figure I need to push something out of my mouth.

  “Actually I don’t.” He crosses his arms. Frustrated? It almost looks it.

  “Tegan…”

  Instead of a reply, he glances down at his watch. “I gotta bail. I have to be to work soon. We better head back.”

  “Are you always working?”

  “Eh,” he says, but I know the answer is really yes. How many times have I heard about extra shifts?

  The walk back to his car is quiet. The drive to the gym, quieter. I hug my backpack, a little bummed that I didn’t need the clothes inside. When we get back to Let’s Get Physical, he kills the engine. “So, back to our schedule? You’re not going to ditch me, right?”

  His questions make me smile. I’m actually looking forward to it. “Nope, I’m not going anywhere. Sometimes it might take me a while, but when I decide I’m doing something, I’m doing it.”

  “I knew that about you. From the beginning I could tell.”

  Tegan gets out of the car and grabs a gym bag, so I get out too.