Measuring Up

by Nyrae Dawn

  “I didn’t even want to fucking play that day, but I went. One hit. One screwed up hit was all it took, Annabel. How does that even happen? How can your body break that easily?”

  “I don’t know.” I wish I did. Wish Tegan and his family never had to deal with this.

  My tears are now mixing with his. Every part of us has come together now.

  “You know what? It’s not Timmy I’m upset with, it’s just the whole thing. One minute we have everything and then we’re the family with the crippled brother and the dad who ran out on them. How could he do that?”

  Tegan’s voice cracks, the sound shattering me into a million different pieces. I kiss his hair, his cheek, his chest. It’s so small, such a nothing thing to do, but it’s all I have.

  “I hate him. I use to look up to him, but I will never let myself be the kind of man he is.” Tegan seethes. “What kind of person walks away from their family like that? When it gets hard, who just bails like that?”

  It’s then I know the answers to all the questions I’ve wondered about Tegan. “That’s why you do it, isn’t it? That’s why you work so hard. Why you try to be there for everything with Timmy, help your mom. Your trying to make up for him, aren’t you?”

  I thought I loved him before. Thought I knew what it meant to love someone—to know someone, but at this moment, everything I knew then is so small compared to what I know—how I feel about him now.

  “I needed to know that people don’t just walk away… I needed to prove it, to them and to me. That I could be the person he wasn’t—the one they deserved. Who would take care of responsibilities no matter how hard it is because that’s what you do when you love someone. It’s the right thing to do.”

  “You’re incredible.”

  He shakes his head. “Not really because I’m pissed too. So mad that Dad is out there doing whatever the hell he wants while I’m working like crazy. I’m so pissed about everything that was taken from me. How shitty is that? Timmy is in a wheelchair, but I think about what I’ve missed.”

  Could he take on any more responsibility? “Anyone would feel like that. What matters is you’re doing it. You’re doing it because you love them.”

  Tegan rolls over so he faces me. His finger slides down the side of my face when he speaks. “That first day, when you helped? Part of me was mad because it was such a small thing to do, helping with the chair, but you did it. Not knowing us you did it, but our own dad took off? You hung out with Mom and Timmy, played basketball with them. Had fun. You wanted to be there, but our dad doesn’t?”

  Leaning forward, I kiss him, just because I can’t not do it.

  “Want to know another secret?” he asks.

  “I want to know anything you want to tell me.”

  He tries to smile at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know if I really want to be a physical therapist. I mean, I think I do. I enjoy what I do now even though it’s different. The body really is amazing to me. The things it can do and how it works. I think it’s what I want, but I don’t know. I can’t say for sure and it scares the hell out of me that I’m going to do it, that I’ll sign up for it and realize it’s not what I want for my life, but how can I not? How can I not try and fix Timmy? It’s like… like it feels like that’s walking away from him just like our dad did.”

  “Oh, Tegan, no one expects you to try and fix it. You can’t change it and I know your mom or Tim wouldn’t want you to jump into something you don’t want.”

  He gives me another smile before pulling my head down so it rests against his bare chest. “The only thing I’m sure about is you. When I’m with you, it’s the only time I feel like I can just, be. It’s the only time I don’t want all the pressure on me.”

  I start to cry again, because as much as I hate to see him hurt, it feels good to know I do something for him. That after everything he’s done, I somehow have a way to give him something back. “You’re wrong, you know. Earlier you said no one’s perfect. I’m pretty sure you are.”

  His chest vibrates against my cheek when he laughs. “No, but thanks for inflating my ego again. I needed it. I can’t believe I cried in front of you.”

  I trace the muscles in his chest and stomach, trying not to let him just push this aside, to forget himself like he always does. “I mean it, Tegan. No one wants you to try and make up for something that wasn’t your fault. They love you. I love you. Ahh!”

  He flips me over so he’s on top of me again. “I love you, too.” Then with a mischievous smile that is so him, “Want to do it again?”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  OPPOSITES

  Did u talk to ur mom? Is she pissed at you?

  My lips automatically stretch into a smile as I read Tegan’s text. Even though it’s 10:00 PM, the night after I lost my virginity to Tegan and we spent the whole day together, I’ve only been home about forty-five minutes and he’s already texting.

  No, didn’t talk. She told me to nver stay out overnight again, but that’s all. I hit reply.

  Sorry. Don’t want u in trouble. Don’t want u to fight over me.

  I’m not in trouble and we nver get along. No big.

  I miss you.

  My heart starts to pitter-patter. I miss you too.

  I love u.

  I love u, too.

  Nice. Ferris Buhler’s on. Old school, but love it.

  I’ve never watched it. I text back.

  What? It’s one of my favs. Watch it with me?

  I want to, so bad, but I know I can’t leave again. My parents definitely wouldn’t let me get away with it twice. Can’t leave 

  I know. Turn it on. Channel 58.

  Suddenly, I get all giddy. It’s a dumb thing to get excited about after everything that’s happened, but hey, I never claimed I’d be good at all this stuff. For me, wanting to watch a movie with me, while we’re texting ranks pretty high on the sweetness scale. I pick up my remote, turn it on, and settle into my bed. It’s on.

  Are u in ur room?

  Yeah.

  Damn. Can’t get a visual cuz I’ve never seen it.

  With shaky fingers I text him a brief description of my room.

  Thx. I’m on the couch, in the living room.

  Okay. Oh, Matthew Broderick. Forgot he’s in this.

  Shh. I like this part ;)

  I can’t help it, I smile. We finish watching our movie together, Tegan texting me during all his favorite parts. LOL-ing when he laughs. All too soon the movie is over.

  Going to bed. Meet me in AM to jog?

  Absolutely.

  Love u, Annabel Lee.

  I love u too.

  ***

  Tegan’s there when I step out of the car the next morning. “Hey, you.” I’m tentative when I step toward him, waiting for the insecurities to hit, the nerves or something. Waiting to see how he’ll react. It’s a big deal to see the person you had sex with for the first time afterward. A defining moment, I think. Are there any regrets? Do we feel weird? Did it change anything? Add in our talk from that night and it makes it an even bigger deal.

  “Hey. You look nice. Did you put make-up on to run?” He locks his hands around my waist and pulls me toward him. My eyes automatically cast downward and Tegan chuckles. “Annabel, you don’t have to try and impress me.”

  “I know. It’s lame. I just…” Have no idea how to explain without looking like a moron. Why did I put make up on? This boy has seen me with no layers, seen me laid bare in a way no one else ever has. And I’ve seen him the same way. “I have no idea what I was thinking.”

  “You were probably distracted by pure excitement at the thought of seeing me. I get it. I seem to have that affect—ouch. Don’t pinch me. Why are you always beating me up?”

  “You will never change. Not that I want you to. Ever. I should have known I can always be comfortable with you. That I don’t need to try so hard.”

  “You don’t have to try at all.” He pushes my hair behind my ear. “I know who
you are and you’re who I want.” His lips capture mine. It’s different and the same, kissing him afterward. I like it even more.

  A few seconds later, I break the kiss. “Come on. Run with me.”

  “Slave driver,” he teases, already starting to jog. Easily, I fall in line with him, keeping pace. Maybe even setting it.

  ***

  Tegan hasn’t texted me for two days. Let me rephrase that, he’s replied to my texts, one or two word answers, he’s even told me he loves me the couple times we actually spoke on the phone, but he hasn’t called first. He hasn’t texted first.

  For the first time since the beginning, there’s a weight in my stomach when I pull up at Let’s Get Physical. It’s fighting to hold me down, to pull me under. The harder I try and swim to shore, the more I tell myself I’m imagining things, that nothing’s different. He’s just busy like he says, the heavier the weight becomes, the harder I have to fight.

  I’m a worrier, right? Always waiting for the other shoe to drop—which is about the dumbest saying in the world, if you ask me, but that has to be what this is. Tegan wouldn’t be pulling away. It’s not him. Unlike me, he’s not a runner.

  I turn off the engine to see him waiting for me out front, like always. See? Everything’s okay, I try and tell myself. He pushes off the wall and comes toward me.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey, Annabel Lee. I missed you.”

  The weight starts to lose its pull. “I missed you too. Is everything okay?”

  He tries to smile. I physically see how much effort he puts into it, but it’s not the same smile I know. It’s not Tegan. “It’s better now.”

  As he pulls me toward him, and kisses me, all I think is no, it’s not better. Something’s wrong that he doesn’t want to share with me.

  ***

  Tegan’s arms are shaking as he pushes the weight bar up again. It’s more weight than he usually lifts. More repetitions than he usually does. Each push of the bar, puts a crack in my heart. Something’s off. I feel it in the nausea churning in my gut. See it in fierceness of Tegan’s workout.

  “That’s twelve. That’s enough, right?”

  “Two more,” he pushes up again, and that’s when it happens. He grunts. Now, I know that’s a ridiculous thing to let bother me, but it does. It echoes through the room until that’s all I hear, because it’s not Tegan’s style. As much as he likes to pretend to be cocky, he’s not a showoff. He doesn’t try and out-lift everyone in the gym, grunting his way to the top by pushing more weight than he can handle. I bite my lip, then jump when the bar clanks back into its spot.

  “Tegan.” I touch his arm when he stands up, a little zip of electricity zapping from him to me. “What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything.” And I can say anything to him, no fear.

  He sighs, then drops his head forward. It takes him a few minutes before his eyes raise to mine again. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Just tell me what’s going on.”

  He grabs my hand and weaves through the workout machines and out the front door. Like always, my hand feels warm in his. Feels right and I know right now we’re going to talk and everything’s going to be better again. He leans against my car, which is parked right in front of the gym and then in that familiar way, he holds my waist and pulls me toward him. His body is tense and when he smiles, it’s the Ken smile.

  “I’m all screwed up right now.”

  I push myself closer to him, needing to feel him, all of him, tight against me. “Why? What can I do?”

  “Nothing.” He shakes his head. “I just…I just have to work it out, but I love you. Just bear with me and I’ll figure it all out.” For the first time, I worry he’s lying to me. Maybe even lying to himself. His voice is off. And even though he might not know it, deep down inside, as deep as the marrow in my bones, I somehow know I’m going to lose him. How will I do this without him?

  “I’m here. I’ll do anything you need. I’ll always be here for you.”

  He brushes my cheek with the back of his hand. “I love you. I’ll work it out.” It’s everything I want, but not enough at the same time, but when his lips meet mine, I can’t help but hope I’m wrong. That this is a little blip in time that means nothing. That things will magically get better by the way his tongue dips so needy, into my mouth.

  “Holy shit! Annabel Conway? What the hell happened to you?”

  I freeze against Tegan, but it’s nothing compared to the way his body unnaturally stiffens. Pulling away from Tegan, I turn to see Billy and crew. I can’t believe they’re on this side of town.

  “It is you.” He elbows Patrick. “Dude, check it out. Annabel has a boyfriend.”

  “Who the hell are you?” Tegan steps away from me and toward Billy.

  I see a light in Billy’s eyes that tells me he’s about to do something stupid. He knows he’s untouchable. For some reason he likes hurting me. “Tegan, let’s go.”

  “Is this him?” He looks at me and I know he knows this is Billy.

  “Let’s go back inside.”

  “Yeah, go back inside, Tegan. You don’t want to mess with me. I’m a friend of your girlfriend’s.” Then he looks at me and I want to puke. “Lookin’ pretty good, Conway. Not quite there yet, but lookin’ good. I never would have thought—”

  Before I can stop him, Tegan is in front of Billy. “Walk away. Don’t say another word to her, and walk away.” There’s a fierceness in Tegan’s voice I’ve never heard before.

  “Tegan. Come on, he’s not worth it.” I hope, pray he’ll walk away. He locks eyes with me and takes a step away from Billy and toward me. That’s when Billy swings, hitting Tegan in the jaw while he’s not looking.

  I scream when Tegan charges at him. His arms go around Billy’s middle and they fall to the ground. Billy swings. I hear his fist connect with Tegan’s jaw again. Tegan falls off of him, but recovers quickly, punching Billy in the stomach when he comes back at him.

  My body is on adrenaline overload. Fear and worry colliding and crashing inside me. “Stop! Both of you stop! Do something,” I yell at Patrick.

  “What do you want me to do? I don’t wanna get hit!”

  Pain shoots through me when Tegan takes a punch to the gut. He counters it with a swing to Billy, hitting him in the nose, blood gushes everywhere.

  “You prick! You made me bleed.”

  “Leave her alone, you hear me? Stay the hell away from her.” There’s pain in his voice and it doesn’t sound physical. There’s more going on here. This isn’t just about Billy. Tegan turns to walk away again.

  “Fuck you.” Billy charges Tegan. They hit the ground again, Tegan kicking Billy off of him. It’s then that the owner of Let’s Get Physical, Jim comes out.

  “What the hell is going on out here?” The man is huge. Probably two Tegan’s and a Billy put together. I’ve seen him before, but not often. “Tegan! Are you fighting outside my gym?” Easily, he steps between them. “Are you on the clock?”

  “No.” Tegan spits and blood comes out of his mouth. Tears overflow my eyes.

  “He works here? He’s crazy. He attacked me. I’m going to sue the hell out of him and anyone else I can. You better believe I’m pressing charges.” Despite being bloody, Billy looks so proud of himself, I have to fight down the bile that’s built in my stomach.

  “That’s not true!” I yell, running over to them. “Tegan tried to walk away, but Billy attacked him!”

  “That’s not the way I remember it.”

  “Yeah, me either.” Patrick agrees with Billy.

  “Get the hell off my property,” Jim seethes. “You too, Tegan. You have some nerve bringing this shit to my place.”

  “I work in an hour.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  Tegan’s eyes pop up, meeting Jim’s head on. I see his chest rise and fall he’s breathing so heavily. “Fine.”

  In the background, I see Patrick, pulling a laughing Billy away.

  “We’ll talk late
r.” Without a glance at me, Tegan turns and stalks off. I start to run after him.

  “Tegan! Wait.”

  He turns and looks at me and shakes his head. “I can’t right now. I’m sorry. I just…I just need to be alone.”

  And then he’s gone, a trail of blood splattering on the sidewalk behind him, like breadcrumbs. Alone. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ALONE

  I’ve always known news travels fast in Hillcrest, but I didn’t realize how fast until Mom comes home livid, the same night of Tegan and Billy’s fight. I haven’t let go of my cell phone all day, hoping, praying for a text or call from Tegan. I hope he isn’t hurt badly. I can’t stop wondering what I did wrong and if I somehow made him stop loving me.

  “Annabel! We need to talk. Now!”

  I push my empty bowl of ice cream aside, yep, ice cream. It’s always been my comfort, until Tegan was. Today, I need a little comfort. “Why? We’ve never talked before so what’s the point now?”

  She gasps and I’m a little proud of myself. “I’m going to ignore that. Can you imagine my embarrassment when three of my friends called me today to let me know your hoodlum boyfriend attacked Betty’s son?”

  There’s no point in trying to set her straight so I don’t. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” I pick up my bowl and head back to the kitchen. Of course, Mom follows.

  “I’m not sure when you decided it’s okay to talk to me like this, but I can assure you, it’s not. And I won’t have you dating someone who’s violent, Annabel. If he attacked a nice boy like Billy, he could turn that violence on you.”

  I sputter, dropping the bowl to the floor, ignoring the shatter of glass. “Tegan would never hurt me. He’s not violent. Did you ever think for one minute to ask my side of the story? That maybe he was protecting me? That maybe Billy hasn’t always been so nice to me? Ninety percent of teenage boys have probably been in a fight, Mom. It doesn’t make them violent, women-abusing jerks.”