Not Like Her

by H K Christie

  “You’d tell me if he was hitting you, right?”

  “Of course.” More like she probably wouldn’t. How embarrassing would that be? Selena had orchestrated her whole life to ensure she’d become the opposite of her mother. Now she had her first real boyfriend and he was acting like all of her mother’s boyfriends. But he wasn’t like them. He wasn’t. It was only when he was mad. Most the time he was sweet and loving and complimented her constantly. Maybe the good outweighed the bad?

  Is that what her mother had told herself too?

  “Are you sure? You know, I spoke with my parents. You can stay with us. You don’t have to live with him. Please, just stay with us. It’ll be fun, I promise!” She batted her lashes at Selena.

  Should I? How would Zeek react? Would he break up with me? Selena forced a smile. “Really, I’m okay. I like living with Zeek. It’s okay, I swear.”

  Alida sighed and then shifted her tone. “I can’t wait for some tater tots. How about you?”

  “Totally. My mouth is watering.”

  Her thoughts returned to Zeek. It wasn’t like he’d tried to kill her. He was just angry and pushed her. She loved him. He loved her. It was so confusing. Maybe they needed to have a heart-to-heart after finals. Or maybe see a counselor. That was normal, right? Was it normal after dating for only six weeks?

  Selena stood at the front of her school waiting for Zeek to pick her up. She’d thought it over and convinced herself that she’d overreacted. Zeek wasn’t like Debbie’s boyfriends. She spotted his dark gray Honda approaching and grinned. She would make this work. This wasn’t like her mother and her abuser boyfriends. She and Zeek were different. This was love. She opened the door and slid in. She leaned over to give him a peck on the lips. He blocked her mouth with his hand and sat back. Selena’s mouth gaped open. “What’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Yeah, what’s wrong?”

  “Who’s that guy you were standing with?”

  Selena cocked her head and then turned to look out the window. A couple of guys were standing close to where she had been. “Those guys there? I wasn’t talking to them.”

  The storm returned to his normally calm blue eyes. “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not lying to you. I don’t even know them. I think they’re in a grade or two below me. I wasn’t talking to them, I swear.” She hoped he believed her. The storm remained. Her pulse quickened. Please, don’t. Please.

  “If you don’t know them, how do you know they’re a grade below you?”

  “I said I think they are. I don’t even know their names.”

  “Are you fucking them?”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “No, God, no, Zeek. That’s …” She now knew to not use the word silly or crazy or anything that would indicate she was calling him a name. She knew what happened when she did.

  Zeek glared at her. “You’re a fucking whore. You want them, go have them. Get the fuck out of my car!”

  Selena panicked. “Zeek, I swear to God, I wasn’t talking to them.”

  He shouted, “Get out!”

  She opened the door. With one leg outside he pushed her back and she stumbled out of the car, the contents of her bag spilling on the pavement.

  By the time she stood up and collected her things, he had driven out of the school parking lot. She looked up at the boys Zeek had accused her of fraternizing with. They were staring at her. One of them ran up to her. “Are you okay? Who was that?”

  Her cheeks burned. “Oh, it was just my brother. It’s fine, we’re just having a family spat. Brothers are such jerks. I’m fine, really. Thank you for asking.” Selena tried to fight the tears that were threatening to be unleashed. She collected her backpack and keys that had fallen out and started walking toward the bus stop. She held her head high, as if nothing horribly embarrassing or shameful had just happened.

  In that moment, she knew she wasn’t overreacting. The man she loved had hurt her. What could she do to get away from him? Maybe she could find her dad? Sure, he was probably shooting up somewhere, but maybe being with him was better than being abused by her boyfriend. She squeezed her eyes shut. It was her worst fear coming to fruition. She had become just like her.

  13

  Selena wrinkled her nose and shifted her gaze out the bus window. She hated taking the public bus. The smell of dried vomit and body odor made her want to gag. Not that she had any other choice. Zeek couldn’t know where she was going and what she was doing. Sure, when she finally made it home the night before, Zeek had apologized, begged for forgiveness, and said he’d turned his car around nearly instantly but couldn’t find her. She wasn’t sure if that was true, but his new pattern of flipping out on her and then apologizing, crying and begging for her forgiveness, had gotten old fast. She would not stay with an abuser. She’d worked too hard to simply end up like her mother. It broke her heart to think she wouldn’t have Zeek in her life anymore, but she wouldn’t become one of those women. A statistic. She shut her eyes and reopened them. It was too late, she had become one of those women, but she wouldn’t let it continue. She wouldn’t let it ruin her life.

  Where would she go? Should she just get over herself and tell Alida that she would move in with her and her family? She could do that, or she could find her father. She wanted to find her father, he was the only family she had left. Maybe he had an apartment somewhere and she could stay with him until she went off to college. The only challenge: finding him.

  The bus halted and the doors chugged open. She climbed out of her seat and descended the steps onto the sidewalk. Head high, she strutted toward the entrance of the police station and walked through the automatic doors. She approached the reception window.

  “How can I help you?”

  “I’m here to see Detective Gates.”

  “Name.”

  Selena was starting to see that not all police officers were friendly, certainly not this guy. He was probably disgruntled that he had to work the front desk.

  “Selena Bailey.”

  Obviously bothered by her presence, he asked, “What is this about?”

  She spat. “My mother’s homicide.”

  The officer’s face softened. “I’ll call him. You can take a seat over there along the wall.”

  She wondered how long she’d be able to play the my mother’s been murdered card. It would probably shut everyone up. No one knew what to say to her after that, and she didn’t know what to say back, so it worked out fine.

  She wandered over to the dark wooden chairs and sat to wait for the detective. Would he be able to help her find her dad? She hoped so. He’d been helpful up until this point. She glanced up at the sound of her name from a familiar voice. Detective Gates stood there in his usual dark slacks with a dark polo shirt showing off his muscles. He definitely worked out. She now saw why Zeek had been jealous. Detective Gates was pretty good-looking for an old guy. She stood up. “Hi, Detective Gates.”

  “I wasn’t expecting you, but I was just about to call you. Why don’t you come back to my desk.”

  She nodded and followed him.

  She sat in the chair next to his desk as he reviewed some papers. “What were you going to call me about?”

  “Well, let me see here. Yes, okay, so it’s about your mother. The medical examiner is ready to release her body. We haven’t been able to locate any of your mother’s relatives. Although we do believe that you have relatives out there. We just haven’t been able to find them yet. The last known addresses and phone numbers didn’t work or were out of date. We can keep looking, or, since you’re the only identifiable next of kin, the decision falls on you.”

  She shook her head. “Decision? I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

  “I’m sorry. Typically what happens is the family at this point would request the body be transferred to a mortuary for funeral preparations.”

  Funeral preparations. It hadn’t crossed her mind. Who would even come? “Sounds expen
sive. I don’t really have money for that. What happens if you don’t have money for that?” It appeared she could sink lower. Who didn’t have enough money to bury their own mother? She had some savings, but this might clean her out. Right now, she needed all the funds she could get her hands on.

  “Funerals can be costly. We’re talking anywhere from five to ten grand for a funeral. What happens when the family doesn’t intend to claim the body or can’t afford to, is the county cremates the remains and puts them in a cardboard box and sends them to storage. If you claim the remains, there is a fee usually just under two hundred dollars. You can also choose to get some sort of container other than a cardboard box, for a price. Some people like to get the ashes and spread them in the ocean or in their loved one’s favorite place.”

  Like mixed in her favorite cocktail? Now that was awful. Selena shook herself. Did her mom have a favorite place? She didn’t think so, but she also didn’t think she wanted to leave her mom in a cardboard box in a police storage unit. She would have to take the money out of savings. She didn’t have much left, but she couldn’t just leave her mom in a storage room among the unloved and unclaimed. “I can’t afford a funeral and all that other stuff, but I would like her ashes and maybe something nicer than a cardboard box. Do you know how much that usually costs?”

  “It varies. I’ll get you the information for the company that takes care of the arrangements.”

  “Okay.” More expenses. She’d have to increase her hours at the restaurant, which she should do anyway. She needed money now more than ever. She couldn’t depend on Zeek. Not for a place to live, not for anything.

  Detective Gates looked at her with an odd look in his eyes. Pity? Concern? He said, “I’ll keep you updated on the case against Fox. We’re hoping it doesn’t go to trial, but you never know. The DA will try to get him to take a plea. Right now he’s not cooperating, so it’s too soon to tell. But if you have any questions, you can call me anytime.”

  She nodded and watched him intently as she gathered the courage to ask him if he’d help her. It was the only reason she’d come down to the station during her lunch period.

  “You came down here for a reason. Was it to ask about your mother’s case or was there something else?” the detective asked.

  She bit her lower lip. “Yeah, I was hoping you could help me find my dad. He’s most likely somewhere in the Bay Area.”

  Detective Gates shifted in his chair as if he was contemplating the request. Did he not want to help her?

  “When you came in here the first time to give a statement, you didn’t seem like you wanted to have anything to do with your father. Has something changed?”

  She fiddled with the ring on her finger. “I don’t know that something’s changed. I just wonder if maybe it’s better that I live with him instead of Zeek, because, you know, I just applied for schools and I’ll have to submit my FAFSAs and will need his information. That sort of stuff. And … I only have one parent now and I figure maybe having him is better than having no one.” She averted her gaze to the floor as the tears welled. She felt silly. Every time she sat in the chair next to the detective she broke down. It was as if in front of everyone else she’d held the steely exterior. Something about Detective Gates made her tell the truth, which ultimately made her fall apart. Maybe she sensed that he was a protective force, someone who didn’t harm people. He was someone who helped people. She accepted his latest offering of a tissue. She dried her eyes and looked up at him. “Sorry.”

  “No need to apologize. I’ll help you find your dad. Here’s a piece of paper, write down everything you remember about him and everything you know about him. It’ll be okay.”

  She didn’t believe he had the power to know that. She wasn’t sure that everything would be okay. How was he so sure? He didn’t know her or her life. Maybe she should stay with Alida until they found her dad. She’d think about it.

  She took the pen and wrote down everything she could remember about her father. His full name and where he was the last time she saw him. She could feel the detective watching her.

  She finished writing and slid the paper across the desk. “Will you be able to find him?”

  He studied the paper for a moment. “If he’s around, we’ll find him. What made you decide to come down here during the day, shouldn’t you be in school?”

  She said, “I thought maybe it would be easier if I came down here by myself, that’s all. It’s my lunch period right now.”

  He spoke in a soothing tone. “Selena, is there anything else you want to ask me or anything else I can do for you today?”

  Selena looked down at the yellow gold band on his ring finger. She wondered how he treated his wife. Was he always this calm with her or was he a Zeek, acting like he was loving, strong, and careful, but at the drop of a pin could turn into a monster?

  “No, that’s it. Thank you. When should I come back to find out if you found my dad?”

  “It might take a little while to locate him, but how about you come back on Monday during your lunch?” Two more days. She’d be okay for two more days. She would just make sure she didn’t do anything to upset Zeek.

  “Well, thank you again, Detective Gates. I really appreciate it.” She stood up from the chair and was about to head out when he stopped her. “Can I give you a ride back to school?”

  She checked the time on her phone. There was no chance Zeek would be around, he had class until two. “Yeah, thanks.”

  On the drive back to school, Detective Gates asked her about her classes and her plans for college. He told her he was impressed by her and that he thought she had a bright future. She hoped he was right, and she hoped he could find her father because if Detective Gates couldn’t, Selena didn’t know what she’d do.

  14

  Sunday morning Selena smiled as she felt Zeek squeeze her tight. Her eyes widened and smile faded as her mind returned to reality. Why couldn’t he just get his anger under control? He was so wonderful when he wasn’t angry. She knew there wasn’t anything she could do, though. It was time to be brave.

  She knew fate might leave her alone in this increasingly dark world, but she also knew she couldn’t stay in this relationship. The zillion-dollar question was how would she leave without him realizing her intentions?

  Ironically, her mother’s favorite TV station had been Lifetime. Selena had seen her fair share of made-for-TV movies featuring a battered wife who tried to leave and was promptly murdered by her used-to-be-so-loving husband. The public service announcement at the end usually featured a hotline number to call and warnings about domestic violence. Between her real-life experience and the trillion movies she watched since birth, how had she ended up lying next to a man like that?

  One thing that had always stuck in the back of her mind was that when an abuser thinks you’re leaving, that’s when they strike hardest. Not that she really thought that Zeek was capable of murder, but better safe than sorry. She’d miss him. She’d miss him a lot.

  She turned over, facing him, and planted a kiss on his lips. “I wish we could lie here all day.”

  He ran his fingers through her hair and said, “Why can’t we?”

  “For one, I have to go to work, and two, we have to study for finals. Ugh, three, I need to finish my senior project. Maybe after finals we can have a day of laying about all day.” It was a promise she knew she’d never fulfill.

  He leaned back. “You have to work today? I thought you were off.”

  “Yeah, I asked my boss to increase my hours if they could. I need the money.”

  “I thought we talked about this already. You don’t need to work extra hours. I can take care of you.”

  A chill ran through her. She needed to defuse the bomb that was about to go off. When she’d increased her hours, she’d anticipated he might be upset and so she hadn’t told him. She hadn’t realized he’d memorized her schedule. “I know you can, it’s just that I was talking to the detective—” She paused. Fuck.
The detective was another trigger and she hadn’t told him that she had gone down to the police station. “He said that I have to claim my mother’s body and I opted to have her cremated. It costs a lot of money. I didn’t want you to have to pay for my mother’s remains, you know.”

  She watched and waited. Maybe he was too tired to fight. Or maybe he was contemplating his attack.

  He squinted his eyes at her and shut them and then opened them again. “When did you talk to the detective?”

  Bad sign. “On Friday. The medical examiner was ready to release my mom’s body and he needed to know what to do with it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before? What else are you hiding?”

  “I’m not hiding anything. I just tried to put it out of my mind. It’s upsetting to think about having to claim my mother’s dead body. I didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it.”

  He wasn’t simmering down. He was firing up. He sat upright in the bed. “I don’t like you keeping things from me. I don’t keep things from you. For us to be in a relationship, we have to have trust and I’m starting to really not trust you.”

  Shit. She sat up, covering herself with the light gray sheets. “You can trust me. I’m not hiding anything, I swear. Full disclosure, the detective said he would continue to keep in contact while they were putting together the case against Fox. I may have to testify in court.”

  His shoulders seemed to relax. Relief filled her. She smiled and put her arms around his neck. “I love you so much, Zeek.”

  He wrapped his arms around her. “I love you too, babe.”

  After a rumble and tumble in the sheets, she watched as Zeek moseyed into the bathroom. At the sound of the shower spray, she jumped out of bed and checked the time on her phone. She had twenty minutes to get ready for work, which meant no time for a shower. She slipped on her work clothes as Zeek re-entered the bedroom. “Where are you going?”