Fixated

by Lola De Jour

  The three of us have different fathers. My dad was the mistake from a long time ago that no one speaks about. Krystal’s dad has passed away. Nicole’s dad Robert is my mum’s current partner, and our de facto ‘father’. The bad history my mum had with my father has always made our relationship difficult. It’s no surprise that I’m the spitting image of my dad, curly black hair, blue eyes, and tanned skin. I’ve always suspected that played a part in my mum’s negative feelings towards me. Every time she looks at me, she sees the man she risked everything for, but still went on to break her heart and run away with her assistant. Her relationship with Krystal’s dad wasn’t so bad-when he was alive. But Krystal can never see eye to eye with our mum.

  With Nicole, it’s completely different. She loves her more than anything else in the world. Krystal and I are used to it. The fact that Nicole’s dad formally adopted us, makes her love Nicole even more.

  My mum’s one of those old school women who still see women with multiple kids by different men as promiscuous. Therefore, Robert giving us his last name removed part of the shame she felt for her situation. It also helps that he’s filthy rich and powerful. Too bad the only thing he’s interested in with me has absolutely nothing to do with a father daughter relationship.

  I shudder visibly, just from thinking about my so called father. Bile rises up my throat, bringing back memories I’ve spent endless hours with therapists trying to suppress.

  What does Nicole know? What does she believe?

  I push the memories back because I can’t do this here. Not now.

  My gaze locks with my sister’s own again, and it feels as if there is an ocean between us.

  When she saw me earlier, the first time in three years, her demeanor suddenly became hostile. There were no hugs or kisses from Nicole. From the way she was glaring at Krystal, I knew I was the last person in the world she wanted to see. It hurt.

  But my mum’s disgusted reaction at seeing me hurt even more. My mum almost passed out from anger just from my sight. I should mention that although she is my mother, there is absolutely no love lust between us. My mum was ready to call security to have me removed from the premises, well the entire state of Connecticut if she could, had Krystal not thrown a bomb into the air.

  Right before my cousins, aunts, and family friends she faced my mum and challenged her (something that never happened, considering the iron fist my mum ruled the family with).

  “I don’t understand why you’re in such a rush to whisk Scar out of here. It can’t be because you are scared Drake’s still in love with her?” Krystal said.

  The room fell silent in an instant.

  If my mum’s fury could turn into a machete, she would have butchered my sister in seconds.

  My relatives and family friends shuffled here and there, all feeling awkward now that Krystal had said what everyone was thinking. You could tell they wanted to excuse themselves, but they were witnessing what would be the juiciest gossip in Greenwich tomorrow. No way were they giving up such a free show.

  “Hush Krystal! Don’t say such vile things,” my mum hissed back, clearly embarrassed.

  “Then let her stay! We are her family; you can’t keep driving her away-”

  “She left! No one drove her away,” my mum thundered in my direction.

  I just stood there, unable to speak, trembling. I wasn’t very functional then, I mean I just heard that Drake was getting married. That I was standing on my two feet, and not bowing over a toilet as I retched my stomach out, or I wasn’t hiding under a table screaming and crying as I so desperately wanted to do, was a miracle.

  I knew I was holding it together out of shame, because I didn’t want anyone to pity me or see how much I was suffering inside. These same people told me I was a failure, disappointment, and mistake.

  And in a way they were right, well at least Drake was proving them right. I was the girl he claimed to love more than the air he breathed, yet here he was marrying someone else. I must have been too much of a failure for him. In my mind, Drake was now amongst my naysayers. He was now the enemy. Yes, in my book, I demanded absolute loyalty, there was no half way business here. You were either my friend or my enemy. If you wanted to be my friend then you were either with me or against me. And from where I was standing, about to marry my sister was definitely not getting him into my friend group. There was no way I was going to give either Drake or my naysayers more ammunition by breaking down in front of them.

  My mum jerked me back to reality by suddenly appearing before me, hands plastered on her hips. “Why did you come back? Why today? You came to ruin everything-”

  “How can she ruin anything if there is nothing to ruin?” Krystal snapped.

  Her words rang through the air, as if intensifying their meaning to everyone in the room. It was not needed. Her point was clear. If my mum was so certain of Drake and Nicole’s relationship, then she had nothing to fear about my presence.

  “Why don’t we all calm down,” Aunt Margaret said. “Elizabeth, I’m ashamed of your behavior. You should be happy to see your daughter after so long. Moreover, I have to agree that Scarlett’s presence at the wedding might be beneficial. Surely, you’ve heard the rumors swirling around. There’s no better way to put a stop to those rumors, and present a united front to everyone than by having Scarlett attend the wedding.”

  “I don’t care about any rumors. Drake is marrying Nicole; that’s all that matters,” she said in a desperate tone that showed just how much she cared.

  “It’s foolish to lie to us, Elizabeth. We are your family,” my grandma announced, sliding into the room in her wheel chair.

  I was still angry with her for conspiring with Krystal to bring me here. It was obvious that I was here because my grandma wanted me to be.

  My Grandma and mum were the strongest women in our family. Their word was god. Funny enough, the only two people who were at odds with this were the both of them. And because both women followed different principles in life, this happened quite often.

  My mum growled and cursed, burying her hands in her hair. “I don’t understand why you guys are doing this. This is Nicole’s day! She deserves for this day to be perfect. Not with … Her here.” My mum said her as if she was referring to disgusting garbage, not me, her daughter.

  “Elizabeth!” My grandma admonished.

  “What mama? What is she doing here for fuck’s sake?”

  Ah, I got the prim and proper out of my mother. Now, I became suspicious. My mum was one of those women who’d had such a sheltered affluent upbringing that brainwashed women into thinking there was something wrong with them if they displayed bad temperament in public. Bullshit.

  But I’d had enough. I didn’t expect her to welcome me with open arms, however, this was too much. “I’m leaving,” I said, already grabbing my coat and heading for the door.

  “Scarlett, stop right there,” my grandma ordered.

  If anyone else had given me that order, I would have disobeyed it.

  I endured the emergency family meeting that followed for my grandmother’s sake. However, I almost lost it when they decided that my sudden appearance in town was going to be a catalyst for degrading rumors and gossips, so I must attend and participate in the wedding.

  They wanted me to be one of Nicole’s Bridesmaids. In her wedding to Drake Edgar. Apparently, that was the only way to stop people from talking. Was life looking for another way to fuck me over?

  As expected, my mum was not in favor of this. It was my grandma and Krystal who kept pushing. They had always been the biggest supporters of Drake and I’s relationship, so at that point, I got what they were trying to do. Heck, Krystal was almost screaming go get your man in every look and gesture to me.

  If only it was that easy.

  My pride and feelings of betrayal stopped me from thinking about anything romantic. I just couldn’t believe that Drake was agreeing to marry another woman. Somewhere in my head, I always thought we would find each other again
and end up together.

  I still vehemently refused to be one of Nicole’s bridesmaids. Until Krystal blurted that my mum purposely banned everyone from telling me Drake was getting married. Of course she would! How cruel. She even went as far as sabotaging my grandmother’s efforts to inform me of the impending nuptial.

  Knowing that changed everything for me. Because once again in my life, I felt cheated. By the same group of people who were supposed to protect me. They had never protected me. It was partly their fault I left Drake in the first place. My anger choked me, making it hard to think clearly. If my mum went that far to prevent me from knowing about the nuptials, there was only one reason. She knew without a doubt that my presence would cause commotion. For that to happen, it would mean she knew Drake was still in love with me. The wave of hope that filled my heart just from the thought that Drake still loved me was unlike anything I had experienced. Still, I was insecure. It had been three years, and although I thought of him every minute, we hadn’t spoken in a long while. I’d arrived too late so I couldn’t see him before the wedding. My only chance to see him would come if I walked down the aisle.

  But why would I want to walk down the aisle? It was obvious. I was too much of a coward to voice the reason, or even allow myself to accept it.

  However, the deal was sealed when one of my cousins hinted that my dear baby sister Nicole had been throwing her tits in Drake’s face every chance she got.

  I realized then that Nicole was just as cunning as my mum was. I’d made a horrible mistake buying the virginal act she was selling. Of course, they must have planned the entire thing together. My mum was a lot of things, but her past marital woes would make her never force any of her daughters on a man she knew the daughter didn’t want. Except me. But with her darling Nicole? Never.

  It was easy for me to figure out the puzzle once I realized that. The Edgars were old European Royalty, long line of money, not to mention their recent recovery of thousands of untapped lands filled with oil in Africa and Russia. Soon, they would be one of the richest families in the United States.

  Our situation was the opposite; we were falling down that ladder. Fast. I didn’t keep up with the family business, but I knew things had been tight. I could imagine my mum plotting how helpful a marriage to an Edgar would be to our crumbling family. Until the state of Connecticut started allowing gay marriage, Drake was the only Edgar she could marry her daughters to.

  Of course if it so happened that her darling Nicole told her she wanted to fuck my drake, well not in those words … The point was I could imagine my mum beaming with pride and thanking God for such a brilliant idea; imagine her discussing it with Drake’s mother, who hated me with a passion. I could see both women toasting their glasses filled with ridiculously expensive wines as they set every plan into motion.

  Thinking of the entire thing enraged me. I shook from head to toe, as my emotions clashed against themselves inside my chest. On one hand, I felt betrayed; on the other hand, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to feel betrayed. By my mum, Nicole, and every other family member who knew about this wedding, relationship and didn’t tell me. They were my family. They knew what Drake meant to me. He was the very air I breathed. These people witnessed every smile, kiss, tear, and hug I received from that man. How could they not think about me? About how this marriage would make me feel.

  And what about Drake? Did he think of how I would feel? Did he still love me? How could he do this? How dare the bastard get married? He was the reason I left in the first place! How dare he put me through this? Somehow, I couldn’t bring myself to blame my sister and grandmother for bringing me here. It was all Drake’s fault.

  Now, here I am. Standing in the procession line for his bride. On his wedding day.

  FUCK YOU, DRAKE.

  It’s time. So I do what I’ve always done when things get too difficult for me: I close my eyes, hold my breath, and freak out internally –screaming, crying, whatever. But I do it just for ten seconds, then I exhale, open my eyes, and face the crowd.

  It must work because now that my raging internal monologue is gone I can hear it. The organ. Processional music. The hum of everyone’s whispers.

  I glance around and see everyone is in place. The bride glowing in virginal white while my relatives and family friends that make up her bridal trail surround her in Grecian blue thousand dollar dresses. This is really happening.

  The door pushes open, letting in a gush of cool air. My breath catches in my throat as the first bridesmaid walks through.

  Then it’s my turn and Krystal is nudging me forward.

  My stomach dips, and my hands start to tremble on my bouquet, but I force on a confident smile and move my feet to the heavy chords playing.

  The hums intensify immediately. In fact, a few people slip up and even moan their shock at seeing me.

  I refuse to glance at them. I keep my head straight, eyes focused on the aisle.

  I will not glance at him. Even if it kills me, I will not look at Drake.

  I turn and meet his gaze.

  The sight of him spurs such an intense reaction from my body and mind that it feels like a physical blow. Right there, I feel my world move. I feel light as air, and easy. It’s as if the answer to every question I’ve ever had in my life is right before me. He’s right there, staring at me. Drake

  My eyes can’t get enough of his broad-shouldered footballer frame. He’s a big, muscular man, about 6’4, yet there’s still a panther-like sleekness to him. His biceps are ripped; his torso is long and leads to long powerful legs. I think the biggest impact is in his face, which is exquisite-the deep tanned skin; the sculpted cheekbones, strong straight nose, dark long brows, thickly-lashed piercing green eyes, and of course the wide, red mouth that contrast with his black wavy hair. He’s looks gorgeous, beautiful, and so damn fuckable.

  Shit. what am I thinking? Fuck! Air disappears from my lungs and I almost trip. Or maybe I trip, I don’t remember, but somehow I catch myself and continue until I reach the end of the aisle.

  My heart pounds in my chest. I can’t seem to remember how to breathe anymore. Why is this happening?

  I risk a glance at him and regret it. Because the air instantly crackles up with hot pulsing energy that weakens me. Delicious warmth travels through my body just from his stare. And in no time, I begin feeling the same magnetic pull towards him that I always feel when I’m in his presence. It’s the feeling that I need to drop everything in the world and go stand by his side because that’s where I belong.

  This insane attraction to him has always scared me. The knowledge that I’m so helplessly in love with a selfish man scares the hell out of me. The sexual pull, on a pure carnal level, is even worse. It’s an exorbitant force of its own. It overpowers and crushes everything in its way. Our ferocious mutual attraction to each other is something we both hate and yet can’t deny our bodies.

  I quake violently now just from thinking how hard, raw, and deep we used to fuck. We screwed like animals that were constantly high on ecstasy. It was disturbing really, the way a look, a smile, or a word was all it took to get us fucking for hours until we were both too sore to move.

  How did we lose all that? Why didn’t we fight for our love, I wonder as I reminisce on the good times we had. Perhaps it was my fault. My pride. I couldn’t face him again after the things he said to me that night. And it fills me with regret now. How stupid of me to allow my pride control me. So fucking stupid. Fear begins entering my body, drowning every inch of me. I love Drake. I love him. He can’t marry Nicole. What the fuck? How can he do this to me? We promised to grow old together. We belong together.

  I feel the tears coming, and I bite down on my lips so hard that I draw blood. It’s then it hits me, that although we’ve been apart for these three years, I’ve always felt drake and I were still connected in a way.

  I can’t explain it, but I’ve always known I had some kind of hold over Drake, the same way he has a hold over me. So of course, even if
we dated other people, at the back of my mind I always thought we would still end up together. That thought made me confident, and even gave me the strength to continue to live without him in my life.

  However, to stand here and watch that hope I’ve held on to for so long disappear crushes me. I want to fall on the ground and cry until I have no more tears. What the fuck was I thinking? Why did I agree to this?

  Confused, I glance at Drake and this time I really notice him.

  He’s staring back at me. Intensely staring. It takes me a moment to realize what’s going on because Drake has a raw, unrelenting force of will. He’s the kind of man that lets you know only what he wants you to know about him. It took me years to figure out Drake’s unorthodox reaction to things, and I realize I’m experiencing one now.

  Drake is surprised to see me.

  I absolutely didn’t consider that my mum or anyone else didn’t tell him I would be here. Feeling horrified I try to glance away, but I can’t. Drake pins me with his hypnotic gaze.

  My blood turns to fire, and I just continue staring, melting under his powerful aura.

  At some point, my eyes fall on his legs and my thoughts become even more fucked up. Drake has a way of standing that draws your attention to the bulge between his legs. I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the curve between his legs, or the elegant gait with which he holds his shoulders as he stands.

  The only thing I can think about while staring at his legs is his cock. I will burn in hell I know. Oh, but if hell has Drake’s cock, I so want to burn in there forever. It’s how he stands; it’s so virile and sexy. Once you notice it, the first question that pops up in your mind is, why does he stand as if he has big dick? When you are in my shoes and know that he stands as if he has a big dick, because well, he has a big dick, it’s hard not to have dirty thoughts around him. The image of his beautiful tanned cock flashes through my mind, and I shudder remembering how I used to tease him that his cock reminded me of a baby’s arm. It was so thick and heavy to the point that when he was inside me, I could feel the weight of it in my pussy. It always felt so right, so perfect …