Netochka Nezvanova (Penguin ed.)

by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  ‘Oh, Katya!’

  ‘What is it? What is it?’

  ‘Why did we wait so long… so long…’ But I could not go on. We embraced each other for three long minutes in silence.

  ‘Now, listen. What used you to think about me?’ asked the Princess.

  ‘Ah! So many things, Katya! I kept thinking and thinking, day and night.’

  ‘And in your sleep you used to talk about me. I heard you.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘I heard you crying several times.’

  ‘No wonder! Why were you always so haughty?’

  ‘I was the stupid one, Netochka. It just comes over me, and I can’t help it. I was so cross with you.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Because I’m so horrid. At first because I knew that you were nicer than me, and then because Papa loves you more. But Papa is a kind man, Netochka.’

  ‘Oh yes!’ I answered, crying as I thought about the Prince.

  ‘A good man,’ said Katya in a serious tone. ‘But what am I to do about him? He’s always so… well… Ah yes, and then I had to ask your forgiveness, and I started crying – that made me cross again.’

  ‘I saw that, yes, I saw that you wanted to cry.’

  ‘Well, keep quiet, you little silly, you’re a crybaby yourself!’ Katya declared, putting her hand over my mouth. ‘Listen, I really wanted to like you, and then I suddenly felt like hating you, and I loathed you, just loathed you.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘I was already angry with you. I don’t know why! And then I realized that you couldn’t live without me, so I thought: “Now I’m going to tease her, nasty girl!” ‘

  ‘Oh, Katya!’

  ‘My darling!’ said Katya, kissing my hand. ‘And after that I didn’t really want to talk to you, not at all. And then do you remember the time I stroked Falstaff?’

  ‘Oh yes, you were so brave.’

  ‘I was pet-ri-fied!’ the Princess said slowly. ‘And do you know why I did it?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you were watching me and, come what may, I had to do it. I scared you, didn’t I? Weren’t you afraid for me?’

  ‘Scared to death!’

  ‘I saw it, and I was so glad when Falstaff walked away! Good God! And I felt so frightened afterwards, when he had gone! What a mon-ster!’

  The Princess burst into a nervous giggle, lifted her feverish head and began to gaze at me intently. Tears quivered like little gems on her long lashes.

  ‘What is there about you that makes me love you so much? There you are, such a pale little thing, with your fair hair and blue eyes, and you’re such a stupid crybaby… Oh, my little orphan!’ Katya leant over me again and showered kisses on me. Several tears fell on to my cheeks. She was deeply moved.

  ‘And then, when I did begin to love you, I kept on thinking, “No, no, don’t tell her.” I was so afraid and ashamed – but see how lovely it is now.’

  ‘Katya, I can’t bear it!’ I said, overcome with joy. ‘My heart will break!’

  ‘Come on, Netochka! Listen to me… Listen now… who called you Netochka?’

  ‘Mama.’

  ‘Will you tell me about your Mama?’

  ‘Yes, everything, everything,’ I replied in delight.

  ‘And what have you done with my two lace handkerchiefs? And why did you take my ribbon? Shame on you! You see, I know all about it.’ I laughed and blushed pitifully.

  ‘ “All right,” I thought, “tease her, wait a bit.” And at other times I thought, “No, I really don’t love her at all, I can’t stand her.” And you are always so meek and mild! And I was so afraid you would think that I was silly. You’re clever, Netochka, very clever, aren’t you?’

  ‘Oh, come on, Katya!’ I answered, almost offended.

  ‘No, you are clever,’ insisted Katya, gravely and resolutely. ‘I know you are. And there was one time when I got up in the morning and I loved you so terribly. I had been dreaming about you all night and I thought, “I’ll go and ask Mama if I can move downstairs and sleep in her room. I don’t want to love her, no I don’t!” And the following night when I was falling asleep I thought: “If only she would come like last night.” Well, anyway, you didn’t! Oh yes, and the times when I used to pretend to be asleep… what shameless creatures we are, Netochka!’

  ‘But why didn’t you want to love me?’

  ‘Because… I told you why, I always liked you, always! And I couldn’t bear it any longer. I thought: “If I just kiss her once, I’ll squeeze her to death.” There now, come on, you silly thing!’ And the Princess gave me a pinch.

  ‘And do you remember the time I tied your shoelace?’

  ‘Yes, I do.’

  ‘I remember. And did it make you happy? I looked at you and thought, “What a sweet little thing she is; I’ll go and tie her shoelace, and see what she makes of it.” But I was happy too. And, you know, I really wanted to kiss you… but I didn’t. And then it all seemed so funny, so very funny! All the time we were out walking, I kept thinking I would suddenly burst out laughing. I couldn’t look at you, it was so funny. And gosh, how glad I was that you went into the dungeon and not me.’ The empty room was called the dungeon. ‘Were you frightened?’

  ‘Terribly!’

  ‘But it wasn’t just that you were taking the blame that made me so happy. It was that you were ready to be punished for me. I thought: “I expect she’s crying now, but how I love her! Tomorrow I’m going to kiss her and kiss her.” And actually I wasn’t really so very sorry for you, even though I did cry a little.’

  ‘But I didn’t cry at all. I was frightfully happy.’

  ‘You didn’t cry? Oh, you wicked thing!’ cried the Princess, pressing her lips to my neck.

  ‘Ah, Katya, Katya, how lovely you are!’

  ‘It’s true, isn’t it! Now what can I do for you? Tease me, pinch me! Keep pinching me, darling!’

  ‘Rascal!’

  ‘What next?’

  ‘Silly thing.’

  ‘Then?’

  ‘Why kiss me!’

  Crying and laughing, we kissed each other until our lips were swollen.

  ‘Netochka, first of all you must always come and sleep in my bed. Do you like kissing? We’ll kiss each other. And next, please don’t be so miserable. Why were you so unhappy? Won’t you tell me?’

  ‘Yes, I’ll tell you everything, but just now I’m not sad, I’m enjoying myself.’

  ‘Your cheeks will become rosy like mine… Oh, I hope tomorrow doesn’t come too soon!… Are you sleepy, Netochka?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Then let’s talk.’

  We went on chatting for a couple of hours. God knows what we did not talk about. First the Princess told me all about her plans for the future, and then she explained the present state of affairs. She told me how she loved her Papa more than anyone else in the world, almost more than me. We both agreed that Madame Léotard was really quite nice and not too strict. We talked about what we might do the next day, and the day after, and all in all we settled everything for the next twenty years. Katya decided how we should live: one day she would be the one to give the orders for me to obey, and the next day I would give them to her and she would obey me unquestioningly. After that, we would take it in turns to give the orders, and if it happened that one of us refused to obey, we would argue about it, just for the sake of appearance, and then quickly make it up. In short, we looked forward to eternal happiness. Eventually we grew tired of chatting, and my eyes began to close. Katya made fun of me for being a sleepyhead, but she was the first to fall asleep. In the morning we woke up at the same time and, after a hurried kiss, I managed to scurry back into my bed before anyone came in.

  All that day we were so happy we hardly knew what to do with ourselves. We kept hiding, running away from everyone, and above all avoiding meeting anyone face to face. Eventually I started telling her about my life. Katya was shocked and brought to tears by what I told her.


  ‘Oh you naughty, naughty thing! Why didn’t you tell me all this before? I would have been so kind to you, I would have loved you so much! Did those boys in the street hurt you when they hit you?’

  ‘Yes, a lot. And I was so afraid of them!’

  ‘Oh, the wicked things. You know, Netochka, once I saw a boy hitting another boy in the street. Tomorrow I’m going to take Falstaff’s lead, and if we see one of those boys I’ll give him such a beating!’ Her eyes flashed in indignation.

  Whenever anyone entered the room, we started, afraid of being found kissing each other, and we must have kissed each other a hundred times. So that day passed, and the following one. I thought I would die of joy; I was breathless with happiness. But our happiness did not last for long.

  Madame Léotard had to report every move Katya made. She had been observing us for three days and during that time had gathered a great deal to relate. Finally she went to Katya’s mother and told her everything she had noticed: that we both seemed to be in a state of frenzy; that for the last three days we had been quite inseparable; that we were continually kissing each other, laughing and crying like lunatics, and chattering incessantly; that since this had never happened before, she could not think what it could be attributed to, but she thought the Princess was undergoing some nervous crisis; and finally that she believed it would be better for us to see less of one another.

  ‘I’ve been of that opinion for a long time,’ answered the Princess. ‘I always knew that peculiar little orphan would give us trouble. The things they told us about her, her background. Awful! Really awful! She certainly has an influence over Katya. You say that Katya loves her very much?’

  ‘Beyond belief!’

  The Princess flushed with vexation. She was beginning to feel jealous of me because of her daughter.

  ‘It’s unnatural,’ she said. ‘At first they seemed to avoid each other, and, I confess, I was glad of it. However young that orphan may be, I wouldn’t vouch for her under any circumstances. Do you follow me? Her breeding, her habits, and possibly her morals were acquired from her mother. I can’t understand what the Princess sees in her. I’ve suggested sending her to a boarding-school thousands of times.’

  Madame Léotard attempted to defend me, but the Princess had already determined to separate us. Katya was immediately sent for, and the moment she appeared downstairs she was told that we were not to see each other until the following Sunday – in other words, for a whole week.

  I learned all this late in the evening, and was aghast. I thought of Katya and could not believe that she would be able to bear our separation. I fell ill that night, overcome with grief and sorrow. In the morning the Prince came up to me and whispered something in my ear about taking heart. The Prince had done his utmost, but to no avail: the Princess refused to change her mind. I came gradually to a state of despair and found it difficult to breathe because of my misery.

  On the morning of the third day, Nastya brought me a note from Katya. Penned in a terrible scrawl, it said: ‘I love you very much. I am sitting here with Mama, and I keep thinking of a way of escaping and reaching you. I will escape, I’ve said it, so don’t cry. Write and tell me how much you love me. I embraced you all night in my dreams. I am suffering terribly, Netochka. I will send you some sweets. Goodbye.’

  I answered her note in the same vein and spent the day crying over Katya’s note. Madame Léotard worried me with her kindness. In the evening, I discovered that she had gone to the Prince and told him that I would certainly fall ill for the third time unless I saw Katya, and she added that she regretted having spoken to the Princess. I questioned Nastya about Katya. She told me that she was not crying, but that she was dreadfully pale.

  In the morning Nastya whispered to me: ‘Go to his excellency’s study. Go by the staircase on the right.’ I suddenly came alive again with anticipation. Panting, I ran downstairs and opened the door to his study. She was not there. Then Katya grabbed me from behind and kissed me passionately. Laughter, tears… In a flash she broke away from my embrace and climbed up on to her father’s knees, then on to his shoulders, just like a squirrel. But she lost her balance and bounced down again on to the sofa. The Prince fell down after her. She was crying with delight.

  ‘Oh, Papa! What a good man you are, Papa!’

  ‘You little imps! What has happened to you both? What kind of a friendship is this? What sort of love?’

  ‘Be quiet, Papa, you don’t understand our affairs.’ And we rushed into each other’s arms.

  I began to look more closely at Katya. She had grown thinner in those three days. Her healthy glow had faded from her little face, and a pallor had taken its place. It made me so sad that I started to cry. Finally, Nastya knocked at the door: this was a sign that Katya had been missed and they were asking for her. Katya turned as pale as death.

  ‘Enough, children,’ said the Prince. ‘We’ll meet together every day. Goodbye, and God bless you.’ He was moved by the sight of us, but his words did not come true. The same evening, news came that little Sasha had suddenly fallen ill and was almost on the point of death. The Princess decided to set off the following day. This happened so abruptly that I knew nothing about it until the very moment of saying farewell to Katya. It was the Prince who had insisted on these goodbyes, the Princess being very reluctant to agree. Katya was heartbroken. I ran downstairs, hardly knowing what I was doing, and rushed to embrace her. The travelling coach was already standing at the front door. When she saw me, Katya uttered a scream and fainted. I rushed to kiss her. Her mother was trying to revive her. At last, she regained consciousness and embraced me again.

  ‘Goodbye, Netochka!’ she said to me quickly, half-smiling, with the strangest expression on her face. ‘Don’t mind me. It’s nothing, I’m not ill. I’ll be back again in a month, and then we won’t ever part again.’

  ‘Enough,’ said the Princess calmly. ‘Let’s go now.’

  But the little Princess came back once more and squeezed me convulsively in her arms.

  ‘My life!’ she managed to whisper as she hugged me, ‘goodbye.’ We kissed each other for the last time, and then the little Princess vanished, for a long, long time. Eight years passed before we met again.

  I have related this childhood episode in detail on purpose; it was the first appearance of Katya in my life. But our stories are inseparable: her romance was my romance. It seems that I was destined to meet her, and she was destined to find me. Besides, I could not deny myself the pleasure of being carried away once more by childhood memories… Now my story moves faster. My life at this point fell into a period of tranquillity, and only when I was sixteen did I wake up again.

  But first, a few words about what happened to me after the Prince’s family departed for Moscow.

  I was left with Madame Léotard. Two weeks after their departure, a courier arrived, informing us that the return to Petersburg was postponed indefinitely. As Madame Léotard could not go to Moscow, owing to family circumstances, her service in the Prince’s house was at an end. However, she did remain with the family, entering the home of the Princess’s elder daughter, Alexandra Mikhailovna.

  I have said nothing yet about Alexandra Mikhailovna, and indeed I had only seen her once. She was the daughter of the Princess by her first husband. The origin and family connections of the Princess were rather obscure. Her first husband had been merely a leaseholder. When the Princess remarried, she did not know what to do with her elder daughter. There was little hope of a brilliant match, for her dowry was a modest one. At last, four years before I arrived, they had succeeded in marrying her to a man who was both wealthy and of significant rank. Alexandra Mikhailovna found herself in an altogether new world, passing in very different circles of society. The Princess used to visit her twice a year; the Princess, her step-father, visited her every week, taking Katya with him. Lately, however, the Princess had been reluctant to let Katya visit her sister, and so the Prince had taken her secretly. Katya adored her sister, but they
could not have had more dissimilar characters. Alexandra Mikhailovna was a woman of twenty-two; she was quiet, gentle and loving. But some secret sorrow, some hidden heartache seemed to cast a shadow of austerity over her beautiful features. Sternness and gravity were no more compatible with the angelic serenity of her face than with that of a child. One could not look at her without feeling the deepest sympathy. The first time I saw her, she was extremely pale – she was said to be prone to tuberculosis. She led a very reclusive, almost monastic existence, and she had no interest in social occasions, whether in her own home or elsewhere. She had no children at this time. I remember she came to see Madame Léotard and came up to me, kissing me warmly. She was accompanied by a thin, rather elderly man. He was the violinist B. When he saw me, he shed a few tears. Alexandra Mikhailovna put her arms around me and asked me whether I would like to come and live with her as her daughter. Looking into her face, I recognized my Katya’s sister, and I embraced her with a dull pain in my heart which made my whole chest throb. It was as if once again I was hearing someone saying: ‘Little orphan.’ Later, Alexandra Mikhailovna showed me a letter from the Prince. In it were a few lines addressed to me, and I had to stifle my sobs while reading them. The Prince gave me his blessing, wished me a long life of happiness and begged me to love his other daughter. Katya also added a few lines, telling me that she would not leave her mother now.

  And so, that evening, I entered into another family, another home, with new people. Once again I had to tear myself away from all that had grown dear to me and to which I felt I belonged. I arrived completely exhausted, and racked with mental suffering… Now a new story begins.

  CHAPTER SIX

  My new life was as serene and peaceful as if I had settled among hermits… I lived for more than eight years with my new guardians, and in all that time I recall only a very few occasions when there were evening parties, dinners or gatherings of friends or relatives… With the exception of two or three people who visited from time to time, the musician B., who was a friend of the family, and the people who came to see Alexandra Mikhailovna’s husband, usually on business, no one ever came to the house.