The Man Cave Collection: Manservant, Man Flu, Man Handler, and Man Buns

by Ryan, Shari J.

  “Yeah, I’m going to help him manage some of the lots in Ogunquit during the summers and help out with the financials in the off-season. Honestly, I love it here, and I think this might be the best thing for both of us, sweetie. Would you be up for sticking around a little longer?”

  Making out every other word as I rein off another wave of amazingness, I try to hold my focus on Dad. “Wait, so you want to stay here?”

  “That’s what he just said,” Liam mutters into my ear.

  “I think so, Jelly-Bean. I’m hoping you’ll want to stay too.”

  Stay? I need these balls out. I don’t know what I’m thinking or agreeing to right now. I just have balls on my mind.

  “I was thinking you could keep nannying, and I know you’re going to be looking for an editing job come this fall, but we can take things one day at a time,” Sam offers.

  I did manage to hear every word of that, now that I’m feeling crampy between my lower stomach and thighs. I’m tightening my jaw, trying to act like I’ve just heard the most incredible offer in the world because it is, and I’m sort of dying a little at the same time. I’ve been dreading the thought of going back to Indiana.

  “Really?” I grunt.

  “If that’s what you want. You know, you could even write at night, or when Dylan is at school, and work on those books you were telling me about,” Sam continues.

  “I think—oh wow.”

  “I’m so glad you’re happy about it!” Sam exclaims.

  “Oh my God, oh boy, wow, yes . . .” Stop, stop, stop. More tingling, more pulsating. I tense my butt muscles, trying to make this stop as I grip the edge of the couch. “I would love—ahhhhhh, ohhh.”

  “Good, that’s fantastic. You got yourself a deal, girl.” I can’t stop the thrusting of my hips into the side of the couch as if I were a dog humping a guy’s leg. “Oh God, yeah.”

  “Julia,” Liam scolds me. “Can you uh…” He places his hand gently on my back, and the sensation is like a feather tickling between my legs.

  “Don’t touch me,” I snap.

  He tears his arm away from me, looking terrified. “Sorry,” he says.

  “Don’t—ugh, don’t you have uh something, ooooh, don’t you have something to say to Saaaaaaam, ahhhhh.”

  Liam has his hand cupped over his mouth, and he’s red, but I’m redder. I’m extremely embarrassed, but I don’t even care. Everyone in the room, except maybe for Dylan, has to know I’m orgasming right now.

  Dylan is laughing at me. “You look like someone is tickling you,” he says.

  Everyone snorts at him.

  “Are you okay?” Daniel asks. Daniel never says much, but he does look concerned at the moment.

  “Yup,” I squeal.

  “Liam has somethinnnnn—fuck, oh yeah, fuck.”

  “Uh, Julia,” Sam tries to stop me because I’m swearing in front of her son.

  “Liam has to tell you something,” I say, breathlessly.

  I want to think the orgasm has passed, but I know my body, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t.

  “You do? What’s going on?” she asks him.

  “Hey, Dylan, can you go upstairs for a few and try out that new game I downloaded last night?”

  Dylan looks around the room with suspicion, and I can tell he doesn’t want to leave, but between my X-rated behavior and Liam’s news, it’s best if he’s not in this room much longer. It would also be best if I weren’t in this room for much longer too. I need to get these balls out before there’s dripping excitement running down my leg.

  Dylan runs up the stairs and the moment his door closes, Liam clears his throat. This moment should be enough to make the sensation stop. Please, make it stop.

  “Sam, I have known something for a while that I should have been honest about. It’s a life-changing topic, which is why I’ve been so worried about telling you.”

  “Oh, hon, what’s going on? You’re scaring me,” she says, looking nervous.

  “So, you know how Dylan’s dad took off and stuff, right? Obviously, you do,” he rambles.

  “Yeah?” she answers, sounding as uncomfortable as I feel right now.

  “Well, my dad left me when I was seven, too.”

  “Oh, Liam, I’m so sorry. That’s why you’re so good with him, isn’t it?” she questions.

  “Yeah,” exasperated, Liam runs his hands through his hair. I squeeze my legs harder trying to make the wave of fun stop for a little longer. “So, after doing some research of where my dad went, I learned that he moved to Kennebunkport for a while and was married to a woman named Samantha.”

  Sam clutches at her chest and takes a seat on one of the decorative chairs.

  Dad looks around the room, looking awkward, and Daniel just looks confused.

  As for me, I probably look like I’m either shitting my pants or having another orgasm. I pull myself down onto the couch, hoping to release some of the pressure, but yeah, of course, it only increases. Oh yeah. I stretch my legs out and lean back, trying any position I can to pause the sensations.

  “So, when I showed up here to introduce myself, you thought I was here for the housecleaning position, and I lied.”

  Samantha leans forward and places her hands over her reddening face, pausing for a moment before the sound of laughter escapes her mouth.

  “Liam,” she says, pulling her hands away from her face, smiling warmly. “I’ve always known.”

  “That Dylan is my half-brother?”

  “Yes, and I wasn’t sure if you knew or if it was a coincidence, but I’m just as guilty for keeping it to myself because I was afraid of losing you too. Selfishly, I wanted to keep you here so Dylan had you, even if you were just an employee. Instinctually, you two have always had this bond, and I figured why mess with something that’s already wonderful? Plus, a part of me was scared you might be like your dad and take off when you found out.”

  Hearing this makes me forget about the balls for a minute, and I’m shocked beyond belief to know Sam knew this whole time.

  “When did you find out?” Liam asks her. He doesn’t seem upset or angry, nor does he have a right to be when he did the exact same thing, but it’s sad that neither of them said a word about it all this time.

  “I know you changed your last name to your mother’s maiden name, and I changed Dylan’s to Daniel’s last name, but you two look alike, talk alike, act alike, and I just kind of knew. I did some research of my own and confirmed what I thought.”

  Liam walks over and sits down on the couch, apparently needing a breather, but the bounce from his weight make the balls bounce into me again, and I shriek with laughter.

  Of course, everyone looks at me like I’m insane because this is not an appropriate time to be laughing.

  “Do you mind if I excuse myself?” I ask. “I’m sure you have a lot to catch up on.”

  “Of course. Are you sure you’re okay?” Sam asks.

  “Yeah, you look kind of pale, sweetie,” Dad adds in.

  “Oh, I’m fine, I just—I’ll be right back.”

  Bow legged and all, I jog over to the stairs and pull myself up, laughing half of the way, moaning the other half, screaming obscenities in the hallway leading to my bedroom, and collapsing on the floor after closing the door as I convulse like there’s a jackhammer inside of me. I grab my breasts and arch my back off the ground, going with the groove at this point.

  “Jelly-Bean?” Dad walks in without knocking, and I’m lying on my ground having sex with balls. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Dad, get out. I’ll be with you in a minute. I—I, please, I’ll be—oh my—yeah.” My shouting and actions clearly terrify Dad enough to make him leave the room, but he’s probably scared to death, as I am right now, but I’ll worry about that after I—yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. I grind my fist between my legs, putting pressure on the balls, and finally, as the third round of warmth fills me entirely, I get a moment of relief. My pulse is racing, and my heart is pounding so hard I can fe
el it through every limb.

  I pull myself up by my bed and jog into the bathroom so I can remove these fucking things. I pull my shorts down and stick my fingers on up there and yank the first ball out somewhat easily. Gross. I toss it into the sink, then reach up for the second one, but um . . . my fingers aren’t long enough, so . . . shit.

  I squat down, doing whatever I can think of to get this damn thing out, but it’s not moving.

  I pull my shorts back up, freaking the hell out and run to the door, not feeling the good sensations anymore, which I think is a good thing right now, but, this is not good.

  Opening the door a few inches, I yell down for Liam. “Liam! I need you. Like, now.”

  Dad pokes his head in my door because he’s obviously been sitting in the hall since the lovely scene he was forced to witness. “Is there something I can help you with, sweetie?”

  “No, no, no, no, please no. I just, can you make Liam come upstairs? I have to talk to him right away.”

  “Sure, okay.”

  “Hey, Liam,” Dad shouts. I could have done that. I did do that. He’s still not up here.

  Finally, I hear Liam pouncing up the stairs. “What’s going on?” he asks Dad.

  “I don’t know. It looked like she was having a seizure a minute ago. I’m worried about her. She just wants you, though. Can you see what’s going on?”

  “Don’t worry, she’s okay,” Liam assures him. I can hear him trying to suppress his laughter, and I’m about to punch him in his balls if keeps this up.

  Liam closes himself inside the bedroom and smiles proudly. “What’s the matter, sunshine?”

  “Liam, I can’t get the second ball out. It’s too high up there.”

  “According to the directions, they should come right out.”

  “Oh, okay, a piece of paper tells you they shouldn’t get stuck in your girl’s vag, so I should totally just be okay, right?”

  “Relax, it’s okay,” he tells me.

  “No, no, I’m pretty sure this isn’t okay, Liam. There is a ball stuck in my vagina, and I want it out, now.”

  “Okay, lie down and let me see if I can get it out,” he says.

  “Now, this is fucking hot,” I say, not even trying to hide my anger at the moment.

  Liam presses my legs apart as wide as they’ll go and slides his fingers up into the endless black hole. My body might swallow his fingers too if he’s not careful. Holy crap. This is ridiculous.

  “Hmm,” he says.

  “Are you kidding me?” I yell.

  “Relax, you’re probably forcing it up higher every time you clench.”

  “How can I relax?”

  “I have an idea,” he says. “Give me one second.”

  Liam slips out the door. “She’s fine, but she needs a minute alone, so don’t go in there just yet,” I hear him tell Dad.

  The thoughts of what he could possibly be getting right now are making me nauseous. I’m going to have to go to the hospital and have them remove a ball from my vagina. This just can’t be happening. I’m going to kill him.

  Liam is back within a minute, and I can’t see what he has in his hand, but once again, he looks at me with as much seriousness as he can conjure. “Just try to relax again.”

  “Um, you’re not playing gyno right now, so what are you planning to do?” He pulls his hand away from his back, exposing a, “Are you sticking a fucking spoon up there?”

  “Just trust me.”

  “Trust you? I think that’s how I got a goddamn ball stuck inside of me in the first place,” I grunt.

  I feel the cold metal of the spoon slowly slide into me as I thank everything in this universe that Liam is well endowed, making it so easy for the head of this spoon to slide on up. I feel it connect with the ball, and I can’t help the giggle that comes out when it hits the right nerve, or my g-spot, not too sure if that’s what’s happening.

  Liam tilts the spoon upward a bit, and I feel like I’m being pried open by a speculum but in the opposite direction. The ball comes rolling on out, and Liam holds it up like a trophy egg on a spoon that he just ran an obstacle course with. “Got it,” he says.

  I sit up, feeling my nostrils flare and my cheeks burn. “That was mortifying,” I tell him.

  “I didn’t think you’d be so sensitive to it. I’m sorry, really,” he says, trying not to freaking smile. He’s not sorry. He enjoyed every second of this. “Your dad does think you were having a seizure, though, so you should get dressed and let him know you’re okay.”

  I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my rage. Feeling relieved, at least, I pull a pillow in front of me and sigh. “Is everything okay with you and Sam?” I ask.

  “Couldn’t be better, and you were right.”

  “That’s not going to work as an apology.”

  “I’ll make this up to you, I promise.”

  “You better,” I tell him. “When are you going to tell Dylan everything?”

  “Tonight,” he says. “It’ll be the perfect time for a lot of things tonight.”

  “Okay, well, take your balls back, please. I don’t want them.”

  “That’s not what she said . . .”

  * * *

  I’ve never seen fireworks over the water, but after seeing the displays on the news every year, Maine knows how to do Independence Day the right way.

  Jade is sitting on her chair, bored out of her mind, watching Cleary and Sterling talk to a couple of bimbos. She broke things off with Cleary last week because she concluded “on her own,” with no help from me that she’s still madly in love with Chip. However, Chip has not taken the time to return her calls or messages over the past week, so Jade is in depressed mode. There isn’t enough wine or ice cream in the world to fix her right now, but God knows I have tried.

  The beach is crowded and we’re all huddled close together, but as a man walks up behind us and yanks Jade out of her chair, I can’t help but gasp. Is that? No way.

  “Chip!” She shrieks.

  “Babe, you broke my goddamn heart, and I have been driving myself crazy for the last few months, pining over losing you. You need to know I’d wait another thirty years to marry you if I knew you’d stay with me. I love, you Jade, every quirky and cute little thing about you, and I don’t want to be away from you.”

  Jade is easily half of Chip’s size, but it doesn’t keep her from jumping into his arms and knocking him to thesand as she pummels him with kisses. My chest fills with relief, knowing my best friend doesn’t have to torture herself anymore. Things are falling into place, and it’s a nice feeling for a change.

  The rest of us: Sam, Daniel, Dad and his Miss Eloise, are seated on lounge chairs, sprawled out in a curved row as we watch Liam and Dylan build a massive sandcastle in the middle of our half circle. The mood shifts as everyone is most likely trying to block out the dog-licking-privates sounds from Jade and Chip, while tensely waiting for Liam to give Dylan a truth he deserves to know.

  Liam and Dylan are talking about making a sand tower, and I’m wondering how much longer Liam is going to drag this out because we’re all waiting and watching like they’re on a movie screen.

  Sam, of course, looks like she’s watching a sappy romance as she gazes at them with glossy heart-shaped eyes.

  “So buddy, I have something to tell you,” Liam says. Everyone becomes silent, listening intently. “It turns out, we have the same dad. So, do you know what that means?”

  Dylan looks taken aback, or more like shocked beyond belief. “Really?” he asks. “It means . . . like, you’re my brother?” His voice grows loud with excitement, and for a child who doesn’t want much to do with affection or human touch, he jumps on top of Liam and squeezes his little arms around his neck so tightly, the sight of it makes my chest ache.

  Liam squeezes his eyes shut, and tears roll down his cheeks. “I love you, little buddy. I always have.”

  “I love you too,” Dylan tells him. I can’t see Dylan’s face, but his voice is ra
ttling and I can hear him crying. “This is the best day of my whole life.”

  “Mine too,” Liam says. “Dylan, I’ll never ever leave you. I may not be able to live with you forever, but I’ll never be far and we’ll always, always be close, buddy, okay?”

  “I believe you,” Dylan tells him. “Thank you for being my brother.” Liam scruffs up Dylan’s hair and wraps his arm around his neck as he kisses the top of his head. “Wait, I have a question.”

  “Sure, what’s up?” Liam answers.

  “So, if you’re my brother, does that mean Julia will be my sister when you two get married?”

  As I was leaning back in my flimsy lounge chair, my feet fly up and I fall backwards into the sand. Did I just hear him correctly?

  “Oh boy,” Liam responds. “Why don’t we save that conversation for another day? I think finding out we’re brothers is enough for tonight, okay? But I got to hand it to you, you just knocked Julia off her feet . . . again.”

  Dylan looks over at me trying to fix my chair and laughs. With a wink and a wiggle of his brows, he says, “It’s totally happening, Liam.” All I can do is smack my hands against my face, but two small hands peel them away a moment later. “Julia . . .”

  “I release my hands, finding Dylan standing in front of me. “I only said that because . . . ” He sighs and looks everywhere but at my face. “You’ve—ugh, this is hard.” He pauses for a few seconds, looking for the words he’s trying to say. “You’ve been like, the coolest nanny I’ve ever had, and you’ve acted more like a sister than some stuck-up, boring adult. I kind of like having you around, a little. Plus, it’s been more than ten days and it’s sort of a record around here, so that must mean something, right?”

  My emotions are on overdrive because hearing those words makes everything I’ve gone through this summer, even with it only being half over, completely worth it.

  “I didn’t want to let you down, Dylan. I’ve been having so much fun with you.” I grab him and pull him in for a hug I know he’ll squirm right out of, but he lets me hold him for just a second before he runs over to Sam, and it means the world to me.

  The first fireworks shoot into the air, filling the sky with what looks like diamonds, and it’s officially the best Fourth of July ever.