It Was Always You

by Natalie R Allen

  He brought my hand up and kissed it. “You can talk to me, you know. I’ve noticed you pulling back and I don’t want you to. I don’t want to lose you.” He caught me off guard, and I swallowed. I avoided his imploring eyes so he couldn’t read too much. “Amy, talk to me. What is it?” he asked softly.

  I battled within myself. I wanted to move forward with him, right? I focused on him again and now I felt completely vulnerable. “I need to take things slow,” I whispered. “I feel like we’re at a turning point and I don’t know that I’m ready for that. I am happy as we are.” I looked away as a tear ran down my cheek and he wiped at it with a knuckle.

  “Look at me, Amy.”

  I met his kind eyes and he nodded. “We can take things as slow as you need to, okay? I’m not going anywhere; are you?”

  My heart was going haywire. This was the point where I always turned back. No, I won’t ruin this. I took a shaky breath. “I’m here.” I nodded and placed my hands on his face.

  Byron leaned down and kissed me through my tears. He was so good to me. I didn't deserve him.

  Byron walked me to my room a while later and I kissed him again. “Thank you for understanding,” I whispered in his ear.

  He pulled back and stroked my cheek, an adoring look in his eyes. “Come visit me tonight in my room.”

  I cocked an eyebrow at him.

  “Nothing like that. I just want to spend more time with you tonight,” Byron said with a chuckle. I agreed and kissed him again before he left.

  I was tired from the whirlwind of a day and got ready for bed early. As I laid down, my thoughts were all over the place. I wasn't expecting Byron and me to talk about where we stood with one another, but I was glad we did. My anxiety over our relationship was mostly gone, and I was content again. Byron was so nice to be patient with me, which is exactly what I needed from him.

  I tossed and turned for a long time and finally sat up, pulling in my knees and resting my chin there. I looked at the clock; it was after eleven, and I wondered if Byron was still awake and wanting my company. What room was he in again? I pursed my lips, trying to remember what he’d told me. Once I was sure, I tiptoed out my door and down the long hall that stretched to the other side of the lodge.

  The floor creaked, so my going was slow. I heard a door open and I jumped, hiding in a dark corner. I shivered from the cool air and longed to have Byron’s arms warm me up. I saw Bryce headed for the stairs and rolled my eyes, certain he was up to no good.

  Treading as quickly and quietly as I could, I reached Byron’s door and double-checked the room number. I looked askance to my left and right, turned the doorknob, and shut the door behind me. I waited a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, before making my way to the bed. I pulled the blankets open and slid inside. The bed was so warm from Byron’s body heat and I wiggled closer to him. He jerked, but I was unsure if he was awake.

  CHAPTER 6

  Six Years Earlier…

  In the morning, I blinked awake to Caleb’s light blue eyes only inches from my face. A half smile made his dimple appear. “Hey, girl.”

  I yawned. “You know, nobody really goes around saying “hey, girl.’”

  Caleb set a cocky grin. “I believe I just did.”

  I lifted my head enough to see that I was the last one in bed, but I wasn’t surprised. I usually slept late. I wondered what everyone was doing today and hoped that I could spend more time with Caleb. Even if this didn’t go anywhere, he was fun to be with.

  “What’s that look?” he asked.

  “What do you boys have planned for the day?”

  His finger caressed my throat. “Not a thing. Simon’s taking Katie out for her birthday, which means it’s up to you to entertain me today.”

  I was getting distracted by his touch and batted his finger away. “Stop that.”

  He grinned again.

  “I guess if I have to put up with you today, I will,” I said, feigning irritation to amuse him. “What would you like to do today?”

  He touched my neck again and I snatched his finger, keeping a hold of it. Caleb shrugged. “Uh, I don’t know. This is your territory, not mine.”

  “That’s true. Let me shower and I’ll think about what to do with you.”

  A look of pleasure took over Caleb’s face and he let out a deep chuckle. “You do that; think about me all you want to.”

  I gasped and slapped his arm. “Caleb!”

  “You said it. Not me.” His eyes smoldered and his free hand touched my waist. I sat up to get away from him, pleased with myself for taking this precaution, and stood to keep him at a distance for the time being.

  “Let me know when you’re ready to do something,” Caleb said.

  I picked up my sleeping bag. “I’ll make it quick,” I assured him and headed for the trailer. Katie was in the back room. I grinned at her and tossed my bag onto my bed so I could hug her. “Happy birthday! You’re finally sixteen. Now we can both drive.”

  Katie giggled and let go of me. “Simon’s taking me out for the day.” She tried to play it cool, but I knew she was probably reeling inside.

  “That’s what I heard. What are you guys going to do?”

  “I know he had a ride planned but other than that, I’m not sure.”

  “I’m going to get in the shower. Have fun and I’ll see you later.”

  Caleb had gotten cleaned up while I was in the trailer. His hair was combed and he had a fresh t-shirt and jeans on. I had to pull my eyes back into my head before he noticed. He, however, watched me walk his way with a smile on his face the entire time.

  I was secretly thrilled that his attention was so focused on me, but I shook my head at him. “It’s ungentlemanly to stare, you know.”

  He had his arms folded across his chest and shrugged. “Am I supposed to walk around with my eyes closed all day?” Caleb winked.

  “I’m not going to come on to you. So stop with your flirty little comments and winking.” I scowled half-heartedly at him.

  He looked down, his feet shifting. “I'm sorry. I really don’t know how to behave around girls, other than to flirt with them.”

  I could see he was mildly uncomfortable admitting this. I tilted my head to the side, contemplating how to comfort him. I stepped forward until we were close and looked into his eyes. “Show me the real you. You won’t see me after this weekend, so there won’t be any expectations.” I didn't wait for permission; I wrapped my arms around him, giving him a quick hug. When I stepped back, his smile was timid. “Now, we are going to have a fun, friendly day, and I don’t want you to hold anything back. Just be yourself and I promise that will be safe with me.” I patted his chest and turned for the 4-wheeler.

  “Where are you going?”

  I looked over my shoulder and gestured for him to follow. He caught up with me and I mounted the 4-wheeler, scooting back to make room for him. “Come on, take me for a ride, Caleb.” I took hold of the back bars and glanced at Caleb. He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off, knowing full well what was coming. “Don’t you dare! I was not flirting with you. Now stop that, and get on.”

  Caleb hung his head in defeat and nodded. “Man, I didn’t realize I was that bad. I’m sorry, again.”

  I laughed. “Get on, then.”

  We stayed on the dirt road and I directed him on the different trails to take. Caleb and I talked a little over his shoulder, but I mostly sat back and enjoyed the forest scenery. We were on a remote trail, pretty far from camp, when Caleb came to a stop.

  “Look!” Caleb exclaimed. He glanced at me with an excited smile.

  I leaned to the side to see past him. Two turkeys waddled along the path, heading away from us, and Caleb was thrilled. As they picked up their pace, we trailed behind them for a minute. Caleb chuckled over and over, and I was glad he was having a good time.

  “Oh man,” he said, disappointedly. He stopped and tossed his hands out. “There they go.”

&n
bsp; The turkeys turned right and went up the hill through the bushes, until we couldn't see them any longer.

  Caleb was adorable as he sulked over the missing fowl. I tried to hide my amusement as I rubbed his back and soothed him. “Maybe we’ll see more of them as we’re out today.”

  Caleb’s eyes lit up. “What if we see something really cool, like a bear or something?”

  “Maybe.” I smiled with wide eyes to humor him, though I had never seen a bear in all of my years of coming here.

  “Where to next?”

  “Keep on this trail and it will put us out onto the main one.”

  Caleb nodded and we started on our way again. The sun slipped behind a threatening gray cloud and I shivered from the sudden change in temperature. I wished I would’ve brought my jacket. We hadn't gone much farther before more clouds gathered. I grew concerned we wouldn't make it back in time to avoid the rain.

  My hands were freezing only a few minutes later. I brought them to my mouth and breathed, rubbing them together and bumping Caleb in the process. We slowed to a stop and Caleb cranked his neck to see me. “Are you alright?” His eyebrows drew close with concern seeing my hands balled under my chin.

  “I’m okay.”

  He surveyed the scene a second longer before taking my hands in his. “You’re freezing.” He rubbed them between his hands, which were significantly warmer than my own. “Let’s head back. I don’t want you to be miserable.” He turned forward and brought my arms around him, tucking my hands under his shirt. I was suddenly torn between two wonderful heats; my hands were warming against his skin, but I was beating back another kind of warmth with being this close to him.

  Only a couple of minutes later the rain suddenly started dumping down on us. I shrieked and hid my face in Caleb’s back. After a minute, I realized we had stopped and I looked around. We were tucked in the trees, hiding out from the rain. The drizzle falling from the leaves above us was nothing compared to what we came from. I realized I was still clinging to Caleb and began to scoot away, but his arm came over mine. He pulled me closer and I slid forward again, leaning my forehead against him. Caleb’s back was moving as though his breathing had quickened. I closed my eyes and battled internally with the feelings I was having for him. I couldn't get attached; he already warned me that he didn't fall for anyone. We would know each other for a few days and probably never speak or see each other again.

  Before I shut off my emotions completely, I gave into them for a moment. I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of him and squeezing a touch tighter. Caleb’s hands rubbed over mine from behind his shirt and I sighed. “I’m warm enough now,” I said quietly.

  Caleb released me after a few moments, and I scooted away to give myself some breathing space. He got off the wheeler and walked a few steps away. Just seeing his wet shirt cling to his back and his strong arms move up to hold the back of his neck had me aching to be near him.

  I shook my head and looked at the seat. I was never going to make it all weekend with him. Maybe I could avoid him. If I stayed away from him, I might be able to avoid a heartbreak at the end of the weekend.

  I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them, Caleb came slowly toward me until he was standing with his leg against mine. He reached out, brushing his fingers along my cheek and down my jaw. When his thumb swept over my bottom lip, I froze. A look which was becoming too familiar entered his eyes. Caleb leaned down until our lips were barely touching and I pulled back an inch. I couldn't do this.

  Caleb searched my face. “Ask me,” he breathed.

  My eyes widened. “What are you doing?” I whispered and shook my head slowly. “Don’t play with me, Caleb. It might be fun for you, but I can’t keep my feelings aside the way you can.”

  His eyes were serious as they gazed into mine. “I’m not playing, and I’m not flirting.”

  “Caleb, don’t. What would be the point? After this weekend we’ll never see each other again.”

  Caleb swallowed and nodded. “I know. You’re right.”

  CHAPTER 7

  CALEB

  I jerked awake and felt the familiar upset from the memory I could never escape in my dreams. Six years, and I still dreamt of her, thought about her every day.

  When Simon told me Amy was moving to Helena a few months back, I was ecstatic. I fully intended to pursue her, but I learned quickly that she was avoiding me. She must not have held on the way I had. In the months since she had moved to Helena, I’d never seen her, never got close to her, until today...

  This morning before I left for Colorado, I had stopped at my ATV shop to get my wallet. Her scent hit me in the doorway, and I could hear her low breathing as she hid behind my office door. I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms, but she didn’t want that, and I didn't want to embarrass either of us. She had clearly moved on.

  This afternoon came to mind. I had seen Amy at the lake. I could only see her from afar as she swam around, but when she turned in my direction and I saw her face again...the desire to go to her and beg for a chance was so strong, I had to make myself leave.

  I closed my eyes to sleep again.

  “Hey, are you awake?”

  I froze.

  I must have been too lost in Amy, because now I was hearing her voice. She sounded so real, so close. I felt movement in my bed behind me and my heart sped. What the hell was happening?

  “I didn’t mean to wake you. I wanted you to snuggle me to sleep.”

  She was here, in my bed. How many times had I imagined this, and now she was here, close enough to touch? Amy was asking me to touch her, snuggle her. Did she know it was me? Had she finally stopped avoiding me?

  I wondered if I should say something, but I had no idea where to begin.

  I turned my head enough to see her back as she laid waiting for me. I turned over slowly, and there she was. I didn't hesitate to pull her close, wrapping my arms around her. A relief came over me so strong, I had to focus not to lose it. Amy was in my arms again. Her skin softer than I remembered, and her scent hit me just as powerfully now as it had this morning. I leaned close to her warm neck and inhaled her. She breathed heavily like I was getting to her and she spoke again.

  “I need you to put me to sleep, not get me wound up,” Amy giggled.

  I smiled into her neck as I remembered how easily I could drive her crazy. I leaned in close to her ear and breathed against it. She shivered and I smiled again; I missed her so much it hurt. The thought sobered me and before I knew it, the warm skin of her neck was under my lips. I had to suppress a groan; I was driving myself crazy now.

  Amy’s elbow hit my rib. “I’m serious. I should get some sleep.” She said it in a tone that was really begging for more, but I resisted, unsure that I would be able to stop.

  “Are you okay? You’re being very quiet?” Her voice was hesitant.

  I wasn't sure how to answer. Yes, I’m better than I have been in six years now that you’re here, and by the way I love you? No, I was not that bold. You are everything to me and I never should have let you go? Nope. I missed you? That could work.

  She moved in my arms and I secured my grip. If she thought of leaving already, she was insane. I kissed her neck again and I was in heaven.

  “Byron, what is your deal?”

  My stomach dropped. She thought I was her boyfriend? I sighed inwardly; Byron was in the room next to me. How could I have been so stupid? She had been avoiding me for months, and I knew it; no matter how well she thought she hid it. I felt sick. I had longed for this moment forever and she thought I was someone else?

  I would never get the chance to be this close to her again. The feeling like I had been punched in the stomach was back and I cringed. I took another breath, reveling a little longer, and said the first thing that came to mind. “Hey, girl.”

  “Aaah!” Amy shrieked and jumped from bed, toppling to the floor.

  I could see enough through the dark and watched her scramble around on the floo
r. I saw her kneeling as she faced me, and smiled in pleasure. The young lady I remembered was now a smokin’ hot woman. Her eyes roamed over me, and I gave her the once over back. When I looked at her beautiful face again, her mouth moved but no sound came out. She was in shock; I had no doubt about that as she narrowed her eyes at me.

  “Caleb,” Amy breathed. My chest tightened, hearing my name on her lips. “What are you even doing here?” she asked accusingly.

  Clearly, she wasn’t as happy to see me, as I was her.

  I raised a challenging brow. “I could ask you the same thing. This is my room.”

  She didn't say anything, and I wanted to read her face. I reached over, switching on the lamp and sat up. It was hard to hide my smirk; Amy’s bottom lip was between her teeth as she gawked at me. Her eyes finally traveled up and met my gaze. I could see that I was having some kind of impact on her and it gave me the slightest bit of hope. She stared back at me for a few seconds and then looked away.

  Without warning, Amy was on her feet, heading for the door. “I’m sorry, I should go,” she mumbled.

  My heart jumped in my throat. She was here, and I was not letting her get away just yet. I had not had enough of her, not even close.

  I jumped from the bed and raced to the door, shutting it with my hand above Amy’s head. She whipped around and stilled when she saw how close I was. I stood with my arm above her and watched her eyes shift. She took a step back and was pressed against the door.

  Her eyes finally met mine again and I was lost; they were as mesmerizing now as they were then. I wanted to tell her I missed her, loved her, but I needed to keep it light.

  I let out a slow grin and spoke in a low voice that used to get to her. “What’s the rush, Amy? You have been avoiding me for months now. Stay a while.”

  Amy breathed out heavily, and my mouth watered as I remembered the last time she let me in. I stepped closer and reached up to feel her soft cheek. She searched my face, finding my eyes again, and her hand came up, slowly touching the side of my face. I was unable to keep the groan completely quiet; she had no idea the kind of effect she had on me. I closed my eyes and turned my face into her sweet hand. I missed her so much in that moment, it almost hurt. As if her touch was not torture enough, she rubbed her thumb over my face, reaching the edge of my mouth.