My Sibling's Struggle

by Rosa Swann

  After breakfast, Dan explained the whole situation to Mikey and Leon too. I’m glad he trusts them enough to tell them about him cheating, but I also don’t know how good of an idea it is... The more people who know about it, the more people who can slip up and tell others about it before we have a solution. But what’s done is done.

  Mikey is looking pissed. He started out by looking at least somewhat willing to accept what Dan was saying, but after Dan explained how he’d been cheating his way through last year, he looked pissed. At one point, Mikey looked ready to walk out of the kitchen, that’s how angry he got. Leon looked surprised at first and as Dan explained more and more, he started to look pretty angry too.

  “And you thought that just leaving all of this behind was going to solve the problem?” Mikey’s voice is cold, furious.

  “No.” Dan looks at his twin brother. “But at least I wouldn’t be able to get you and Leon, or Seb and Destin, in trouble... If I just didn’t tell anyone about it, I could ignore it. And once I left...” Dan shrugs. “It wouldn’t matter anymore anyway.”

  I stand up, letting out a deep sigh. This is not going to solve anything. “What needs to change to make you stay?” I keep my eyes on Dan, who nearly jumps, like he’s surprised by my question.

  “What?” He eyes me.

  “What do we need to do to make you stay? To make sure you won’t leave?” I deliberately look around the room, to the others, and then back to Dan. “We all want you to stay, for you not to leave. So, what needs to change to make that happen?”

  Dan’s eyes also go around the room, before he looks down at his hands. “I don’t know. If I knew, I would have come up with a different plan. Don’t you think?” But there’s no fight in his voice, just dejection.

  “I don’t know. You tell us.” I look at him. Trying to challenge him, to break him out of this state he’s in.

  “There’s no way I can catch up to where the others are. I was already behind at this time last year. I’d have to retake both years. And the fact that I cheated on my tests isn’t going to help either. What other choice do I have? I can’t suddenly catch up on a year and a half of work. Not if I didn’t understand anything at the start of last year to begin with. There’s no way that I can catch up now.” Dan shakes his head. “But I also don’t want to work at the orchard all the time. It’s just... I don’t want that either.”

  “What about working for uncle Nic? Do you want to work at his bakery?” Seb’s voice is soft, but firm.

  Dan shakes his head.

  “Then what do you want?” Seb’s voice suddenly turns annoyed. “Because I haven’t heard anything that you do want to do. Just what you don’t want to do.”

  “I just want to work somewhere where they need people.” Dan glares at Seb. “I don’t know exactly where. Help build houses for people in need or something. Something like that. Just... I don’t want to do any of this, or anything connected to it, anything connected to our families. I want something different. Something totally different.”

  “What’s wrong with Dad’s company, or Destin’s daddy’s company, or Nic’s company?” Seb stands up, glaring at Dan. “Aren’t they good enough?”

  “I just don’t want to keep being confronted with my failures. I don’t want to constantly be reminded of my failures, how I’m not good enough because I can’t graduate, because I’m not going to college.”

  Dan also stands up, his chin tilted up, making himself as tall as possible, easily taller than Seb. “Why would I want to constantly be reminded of all the ways in which I messed up? Would you want to constantly be reminded of your failures? Would you want to constantly be reminded that you threw away your future, your university degree that you fought so hard for, now you’re pregnant? Would you want that to be constantly rubbed into your face?”

  Sneering, Dan’s eyes taking on an angry glint, a mean streak. “Why do you keep going to classes, taking exams, if you know you’re never going to complete your degree anyway? Wouldn’t you want to get away from it all? Why keep going through all of that stuff if you already threw your future away by getting pregnant?”

  Oh, no. He didn’t. He really didn’t. Fuck.

  Seb lunges for Dan and luckily Mikey is closer to them than I am, as he catches Seb, holding him around his waist, as Seb has the front of Dan’s shirt in his fist, his face filled with fury. Dan looks really surprised by Seb’s actions, scared almost, but also like this was exactly the reaction he was waiting for.

  I go over to them, carefully trying to take Seb’s fingers from around Dan’s collar, looking at my mate, my beautiful mate, who is blinking through furious tears. “Let him go.” I keep my voice low, soft, though I totally understand Seb’s anger. “Let him go.” Dan was purposefully winding Seb up, and I’m not letting Dan get the satisfaction of seeing his older brother like this. Dan might be in pain, but I’m not letting him hurt Seb too.

  Seb meets my eyes, the fury going down, pain flashing through them. Then he stares at my hand before slowly letting go. He doesn’t even look up anymore as he shrugs Mikey off his back and leaves the kitchen, slamming the door to my bedroom behind him.

  Once I’m sure that Seb isn’t going to do anything reckless, I turn to Dan, trying to control my voice as well as I can. “Seb getting pregnant is not a failure on anyone’s part. And he is going to complete this year of university. I would appreciate it if you could refrain from saying anything like that again. He’s spent the last month trying his best to find a way in which he can complete his degree, or at least this year. Because everyone, from the university to the organisations who are supposed to help him, are telling him that he shouldn’t even want to do it. It’s not even sure that the university won’t just kick him out once they learn that he’s pregnant.”

  I take a deep breath, glaring at him, trying to get through to him. If he doesn’t stop with all of this, he’s just not going to stay here on the weekends any longer and I’ll have him moved to a different part of the company. If he’s going to keep hurting Seb, he can’t stay here anymore, I can’t let that happen. “I don’t care that you think he did something wrong by getting pregnant, but you can’t keep taking your anger out on him.”

  Then I turn around and follow Seb.

  Damn.

  Fucking hell.

  I have no clue what Dan’s deal is suddenly, he didn’t look particularly upset about it or anything last night, but this is the second time this morning that he’s used Seb’s pregnancy as a weapon against him. I have half a heart to just grab Dan, put him in the car and drop him off at his parents’ place, let them deal with him.

  Seb is having a hard enough time as it is. He really doesn’t need all of this on top of it too...

  Chapter Three

  Seb

  I stare at the wall, my tears coming and going, as Destin is wrapped around me on the bed. I wish I could stop this mess. I wish I could stop these feelings, this feeling that I should just give up. That fighting for what I want won’t get me anywhere anyway.

  Why am I spending my energy on things that aren’t going to work out? Why spend my energy on fights I’ve already lost? Maybe Dan is right. Why do I keep trying to go to class when nobody wants me there? Why am I going to fight to stay at university when my energy is much better spent elsewhere? It’s not like I can get a degree right now, and what use are these few classes in the first year going to be worth anyway?

  I finally felt like we had a plan. Like we knew what we were going to do. But now I’m not so sure anymore. There will be many people who will think the same thing as Dan does. That because I’m pregnant or once I’ve given birth, when I’ve become a parent, that I should stop trying to be something else, that I should stop trying to be a student, stop trying to be anything but a parent.

  There’s soft knocking on the door, and then it opens slightly, Mikey’s quiet voice floating inside. “I wanted to let you know that Daddy is coming to pick us up soon, and he’ll drop Leon off at home too.”

>   I slowly sit up, looking at him, feeling way too fragile to face anyone right now. “Do you think Dan is right? Do you think I should give up too?” I don’t even mean to say it, but the questions come out anyway.

  “Seb!” Destin shoots up, weariness and shock in his eyes as he loudly whispers. “You don’t—”

  But Mikey cuts him off. “No.” He steps inside the room, closing the door behind him, keeping his hand against it, like he’s trying to keep the outside world out. “I think it’s wrong that you have to give up everything just because you got pregnant. It’s wrong. You should be able to get your degree, take the classes you want or need, no matter if you’ve got a family or not.” His gaze is intense, almost angry, though tears seem to shimmer in them. “If I could do anything...”

  He shakes his head. “I’d do anything to help you, to help out, if it would mean that you didn’t have to give up on university.” He swallows hard, tears spilling down his cheeks and he angrily wipes them away. “Maddy just... She just explained the situation. I think it’s wrong. They shouldn’t be able to force you out.”

  I nod at him, surprised at his forceful words. “Thank you.”

  Mikey gives me a soft smile. “I don’t know what my opinion is worth, not with all of that shit going on. It’s not like I can really help. But I’ll go see if I can get my stubborn brother to at least say goodbye to you.”

  “You don’t have to, really. Thanks, though.” I reach out to him and he gives me a quick hug. “Good luck.”

  “You too. Good luck with your exams and essays. See you again soon.” He also gives Destin a hug. “And you protect him well. He has a habit of getting into trouble.” He gives me a quick wink before darting out of the room and I shake my head, smiling. At least some things never change.

  Destin pulls me against him, his lips in my hair, his breathing slow. “As soon as you feel up to it, I’ll drive you back home. We shouldn’t wait too long, if you still have to get work done. And if we time it right, we might be able to have dinner together.”

  I still, turning to him. “I’m not leaving.” I frown. “I told you that already. I’m not leaving.”

  “Seb.” He frowns back, his face falling. “Why? It’s not like you can help Dan from here, especially if he doesn’t want to be helped. So, why are you still against going home?”

  “Why are you so set on me going home?” I look at him closely. “Is there a reason why you want me out of your hair? Do you want me to go home? Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  His eyes widen in surprise as he tries to catch me, but I climb off the bed.

  “Why?” I stare at him, my voice breaking, but I don’t care. Why does he want me to leave so badly?

  Destin looks away, shrugging. “I just thought that you’d be happier working from your own place, where you’re closer to the university and the university library. But I must have been wrong.” His voice is off and he also climbs off the bed.

  No. That’s not it. That’s definitely not it.

  I grab his arm, stopping him. “Why?” I try to look at him, but he keeps avoiding my eyes. “Are you really trying to get rid of me?” A stab goes through my heart, fear, as I stare at him. “Really?”

  “No!” Destin turns around, looking at me with pain in his gaze. “I just...” He sighs. “I’m scared that if you stay here now, you’ll never go back.”

  “What?” I stare. “Of course, I’d go...” I shake my head.

  “Then what was it with those questions you asked Mikey? Or you taking any chance to stay here? It’s already been hard enough on you these last weeks. What if all of this is just your doubt speaking? What if you staying here now means that you won’t go back again, because it will be too much of a hurdle?” He looks upset and my heart aches while I shake my head. Fuck. He’s totally misunderstanding what’s going on, why I don’t want to leave his side...

  “That’s not...” I sigh. “That’s not why...” I take his hand in both of mine. “I just... I just want to stay with you. You’re right. The last weeks have been really rough and I’m tired. I’m so tired. But when I sleep with you at night, I just... I sleep better. I can focus better. I don’t have any more classes, so I can stay here with you while I write my essays. I just thought...” I look up at him. “I thought you’d like having me here.”

  “Oh, fuck.” Destin shakes his head. “I’m such a fool.” He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. “Of course, I love having you here. You should have just...”

  He tucks me against him tightly. “I’m sorry. I was thinking that it was better for you to be there, because it’s quieter and because all your things are there. I didn’t... I didn’t consider the other reason why you’d want to stay here.”

  He kisses the side of my head, slowly up my jaw until he reaches my lips. His kisses are warm and hard and desperate. I told onto him tightly, kissing him back. We’ve been going through so much, having to think of so many different things, that some of the simplest reasons or solutions seem unclear.

  Then there’s more knocking on the door, though, this time, it doesn’t open.

  “Yes?” I pull back from Destin as I go open the door, finding Daddy looking at me.

  Daddy gives me a slight smile. “Was I interrupting something?” He winks.

  My cheeks heat up as I shrug. “Nothing.”

  Then Daddy’s eyes turn more serious, before looking at Destin too. “I’d like to talk to you two for a moment.”

  “Sure.” I step aside and let Daddy into Destin’s bedroom. It feels strange, even though he’s been in here all the time and it’s not like we were doing anything inappropriate. Then I close the door, looking at Daddy.

  Daddy’s voice is soft, almost calm. “Last night, the four of us, me, your dad and Destin’s dads, were speaking a while longer after you two left. The news of your pregnancy was kind of a shock, but we really want to help you out in any way that we can. If you need someone to come with you to talk to your university or anything else. Just let us know and we’ll be there.”

  “Thanks.” I nod.

  It feels strange to switch back to the chat with our dads last night, especially now that we’ve just spent the whole morning dealing with Dan. Damn. Right now, I’m much more worried about Dan than I am about what happens with me. I wish I could tell Daddy what’s going on, but I promised Dan that I wouldn’t, and I’m not going to break that promise, no matter how many hurtful things he says to me.

  Then Daddy looks us over, his eyes ending on me. “Did you fight with Dan?”

  I nod, not really sure what else to do. “We got into an argument about...”

  Destin puts his arm around my waist, holding me closer. “Dan needs a little time to get used to the idea that he’s going to become an uncle.”

  Daddy frowns. “Do you need me to...?”

  I quickly shake my head. “No. It’s fine. He’ll get over it. It must have been a shock for him too. One moment, he’s basically got two brothers, one by blood and one simply because we’ve spent so much time together growing up, and then he suddenly finds out that they’ve mated and have been hiding it from him for weeks. He just needs to get used to the new situation. You know that he’s not that good with sudden change.”

  Daddy doesn’t look convinced, but then he nods. “Well, I’ll get them out of your hair. You make sure you take good care of yourselves and we’ll talk soon. Again, let me know if you need anything, yeah?”

  I nod too. “Yeah. Thanks. Will do.”

  Daddy turns around and leaves the room.

  As soon as he’s closed the door behind him, I turn around and push against Destin. Fuck.

  Keeping one secret from our parents was bad enough, but I’m somehow keeping more and more secrets from them. I hate it. And it’s another pretty damn big secret too. Fuck.

  Chapter Four

  Destin

  My head is spinning with everything that has happened in the last day... Fucking hell.

  Maybe Seb is right
, maybe it’s a good idea if he stays here for now, but I still have the nagging feeling that part of it is because he wants to avoid going back. I felt super happy when he said that he just wanted to spend more time with me. I’ve been sleeping a lot better too with him in my arms. And having him here, being able to take care of him, it feels good, makes me less nervous.

  After Seb’s daddy left, Leon came by my room to tell us he was leaving too, but Dan didn’t show his face. I’m not really sure if I wanted him to anyway, but Seb apparently didn’t expect anything else. He seems much calmer now. I’m just hoping the calm is because he’s got a plan, not because he’s about to make choices that will change even more things...

  When we leave my room again, we find the apartment quiet and empty. There’s a note on the table from Maddy, saying that she’s taking care of a few things at the cafe and that Seb’s daddy dropped off a lot of food from last night’s party.

  Opening the fridge, I see what she means. There’s a range of different foods in it, some pasta salads, some diced veggies, some cheeses and other spreads. We’ll have enough food for at least the rest of the week, and we won’t have to cook any of it, just maybe reheat a few things.

  Seb sighs as he leans against the table, looking out of the kitchen window, his eyes far away, before he looks at me. “I’m going to have to call or message the university this week.”

  I nod, leaning next to him, our shoulders pressed against each other. “Anything else you’ll need to do?”

  He slowly shakes his head. “I should get an appointment with a doctor soon, but that isn’t as time sensitive.”

  “Are you sure? It seems pretty important.”

  He meets my eyes, taking my hand in his, smiling softly. “It’s probably better to wait another week or two before the appointment, that way when I get a scan, it will at least be better visible. It’s not like we can see much right now, and I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing anyway, health wise.”