Afterlife of Alanna Miller

by Carlton, Demelza

  Her pants slid down to her ankles and she kicked them away, leaving me staring at a pair of bright pink knickers emblazoned with the words KISS MY ASS.

  I touched my lips to one cotton-covered cheek, then the other, before Caitlin shoved her knickers over her hips to fall at her feet, too.

  Naked. She was naked before me and for the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do. But I could think of a hundred things I wanted to do. Then she turned, her eyes burning with desire as she looked down at me. My hands hovered over her hips, wanting to touch her and terrified I'd do something wrong all at the same time.

  Frozen for a moment, we stared at each other. The only sound was her rapid breathing, racing mine.

  "Nathan, I want to feel you inside me. Here." She seized my hand and plunged it between her legs. So wet and ready for me. I wiggled my fingers and she moaned, "Yes."

  I backed her up against the dresser, then lifted her onto the top so her back was pressed against the mirror. Brushes, combs and bottles scattered everywhere, so I swept them onto the floor as I spread her legs. My angel. Glistening. For me.

  I buried my face between her thighs, tonguing her until she bucked beneath my hands. "Do you want me to stop?" I asked breathlessly, kissing her thigh. I would. I swore I would, if she said so.

  Her half-closed eyes widened, drinking me in. I didn't know what I was looking at. Anguish? Passion?

  "Nathan, if I want you to stop, I'll say so. Right now, I want you inside me."

  She pressed her hands to the back of my head, tilting her hips toward me.

  When my lips were still inches away from her, I pushed my finger slowly inside her, taking her by surprise.

  "More," she gasped and I gave it to her. Another sliding finger and a swirl of my tongue. "Oh God, more, Nathan, please!"

  I took my time, savouring every stroke, every moan, every shiver of pleasure as I coaxed her to her peak. When she screamed my name, I plunged my fingers in to the hilt so I could feel her body quaking around me. I waited until she stilled before I withdrew my dripping fingers so I could taste her essence. God, so sweet. How could I have forgotten how good she tasted? Would she let me go again? Or had we done too much already?

  Caitlin lay panting against the fogged up mirror, her breasts heaving with every blissful breath. Yet she kept her legs wide open, as if inviting me inside once more. Cautiously, I pressed my lips against her inner thigh.

  I began, "Angel, would you like to –"

  Her eyes snapped open. "Your turn." She slid off the dresser and hauled me to my feet, fastening her lips to mine. Pressing her body against me, her hands fumbled with my pants. She growled when she couldn't unfasten them, trying to drag them down, but they wouldn't budge.

  God, I wanted her, but... "Angel, we can't. I can't."

  "I'm not a child any more and I know what I want, Nathan. I want to return the favour in full. Help me get these pants off."

  "I don't have any condoms," I said weakly. Lied, actually. There were several in my wallet and a couple more in my phone case.

  She snorted. "We don't need them. My implant will stop pregnancy and I don't have any diseases to give you." She paused, alarmed. "You don't have anything, do you? Something you picked up from the hundreds of girls you've been with while I've been away?"

  Maybe I should've said yes. After all, I'd already lied once. Instead, I shook my head. "Nope, I'm clean. But we still can't."

  "Why the hell not?" Her eyes filled with fear and she groped for her shirt. She pulled it on, holding it closed with her folded arms as she huddled on the bed. "Oh God, you don't want me."

  I sat beside her. "I want you, angel. I always have. I'll help you fog up every mirror and window in your house just like that." I waved at the dressing table. "But don't ask me for more than that. This morning I woke up in hospital. I haven't seen you for five years. Until this morning, I thought you were dead. It's a lot to take in." True excuses, but none of them was the real reason. That was one shameful secret I intended to keep to myself.

  TWENTY-NINE

  I felt Nathan get up, but I couldn't bring myself to watch him leave. God, what was wrong with me? Nathan had been discharged from hospital just over an hour ago, and I knew better than anyone how unwell he was. Yet I'd jumped him as desperately as a drunken fangirl might attack the object of her obsession. I'd seen girls do it to Jason all the time.

  And yet...it was as if we'd never been apart. He played my body better than I played the piano and the music was rapturous, to say the least. How had I forgotten that? I never forgot anything, but in all my fear of being touched by strangers, somehow I'd hidden the memory of his more than welcome touch. So five years of pent-up lust had exploded in a damaged man's face when he deserved better from me. Dr Hogan was right – I should stay the hell away from Nathan so he could sort his head out. I only messed things up more.

  I gathered my clothes up from the floor – yesterday's clothes, I realised, and they certainly smelled like it. I needed fresh clothes and a shower. Then coffee and breakfast and maybe sorting out my furniture problems. Nathan's well-hidden shock at my pitiful attempt at furnishing the place was an unspoken reprimand. I'd picked out the bedroom suite online with the sofa to match, but I'd kept the sofa in the lounge to make it look less bare.

  Not for the first time, I regretted leaving all my furniture in Melbourne, but I'd taken great care furnishing that townhouse. The restored building had deserved the antiques or antique style reproductions I'd filled it with, none of which belonged in this modern place. But that didn't mean I didn't miss them. Hell, the old daybed in the spare bedroom had been perfect for playing guitar when I'd wanted to lose myself in my music. Shit, I hadn't played in weeks – I needed to fix that, and soon. Right. New furniture today, delivered today or tomorrow.

  I took a quick shower and picked my clothes out carefully. I needed to look my age, as shop attendants tended to ignore scruffy teenagers unless they suspected me of shoplifting. Though how I'd manage to steal a sofa was beyond me. I laughed as I pulled on a winter dress, hoping to pair it with some high boots to keep me warm. It might not be Melbourne, but Perth still got near-freezing temperatures in winter. Maybe I should get a couple of throw rugs for the lounge room, too, for snuggling under if I managed to watch some TV. And dining chairs with cloth seats. The plastic ones were cold on my backside in the mornings.

  I'd need the house plans, I decided. I didn't want to repeat the nightmare of that oak dining table that had turned out to be all of thirty centimetres too long for the townhouse's dining alcove. For six months, I'd endured the stupid thing sticking out into the lounge so I bumped into it far too often, until I managed to find a smaller, more appropriate replacement for the monstrosity that I'd sold at auction for a tidy profit. It made me feel better about not using it for firewood, anyway.

  I crossed to the spare bedroom, where I kept all my important documents in the desk drawer. I carried the folder to the poor excuse for a dining table and flipped through the pages until I reached the stack of plans I'd copied. I grabbed two and noticed the unsigned ex gratia paperwork sitting underneath it. Shit. I should've asked Nathan about that instead of begging for sex. He might still be here if I had. All this time trying to speak to him, before destiny threw him into my lap and I wasted time by spreading my legs instead.

  "Fuck!" I slammed my first on the plastic table.

  "What? Are you okay?" Nathan sat up on the couch, giving me the shock of my life. "I know I probably should have left, seeing as I refused your generous offer and all, but it seemed a bit rude to just walk out without saying goodbye. And now...God, you look beautiful."

  I couldn't help it – I laughed. Destiny had given me a second chance and I wasn't going to throw this one away. I'd behave myself this time. "You always were good at compliments, even when I was spotted yellow and purple with bruises."

  Nathan paled and he blinked rapidly, clenching the sofa arm so hard his knuckles turned white.

  Pos
t traumatic stress disorder. Injuries did to him what darkness did to me. Textbook pages fluttered in my head as I strode to his side and dropped to my knees. There was no hesitation as I wrapped my arms around him. His body shuddered, but he didn't push me away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

  We probably looked ridiculous, him and I, with my arms barely meeting around his hard, muscled body. I can't say I didn't enjoy it, though. Nathan evidently spent a fair bit of time at the gym, working off his frustration. I burned to tell him that I knew about his nightmares and the emails he'd sent to Alanna, but I didn't dare. I'd caused enough trouble today. He needed to tell me about his nightmares on his own.

  "Nathan," I began softly, "you know that if you want to speak to someone about your nightmares, you can talk to me. You don't need to hide anything from me because I was there. If I'd wanted to turn you in to the police, I'd have done it years ago. I promise I'll listen without judging. Without saying anything, if that's what you want."

  I felt him shaking his head as he pulled away from me. "No, angel. I can't tell anyone about them. But thank you." He wiped his face with his hands and his eyes looked suspiciously red. So what if he'd shed tears? I'd cried on his shoulder often enough. It was more than fair that he got to do the same to me.

  I rose, feeling even more awkward. "I guess I should take you home then, unless you still want that coffee. We'd have to head to a coffee shop for it, seeing as I'm fresh out of decaf." I frowned at the loveseat that was dwarfed by his body. "And then I'll have to get a proper sofa for this room because I think the only way we'd be able to both sit on that is with me on your lap. It looks like kids' furniture with your legs hanging over the side like that."

  Nathan grinned. He still looked pale, but this smile reached his eyes. "How about I come with you? That way you can measure your new sofa against me to make sure it's big enough." He waved at the length of his body.

  "You want to come furniture shopping with me?" Even as I said it, I didn't believe it.

  He shrugged. "Sure. It beats going home to my sister. I have so many missed calls and texts from her that my phone battery's about to go flat. Well, after I sent her a quick message saying I'd been whisked off by a beautiful doctor and I'd be home when she's finished with me." He coughed. "And I can't see you carrying a new sofa up all those stairs by yourself. Plus, when you get sick of shopping I can buy you coffee." He gazed into my eyes and I felt a glimmering of hope. "My manners are a bit rusty, I think, doing things arse-about like I did today. There's been no one but you for me for the last five years, angel. Not a hundred women. Just one. And you don't know how much I've missed you."

  My tummy flipped. Then it growled like I'd swallowed a dragon. Oops, I'd missed breakfast. That explained the strange sensations. "Sure," I responded with a smile.

  THIRTY

  After four shops of finding nothing but a pretty throw rug that wasn't even for sale, I was ready to head to IKEA and spend the next three days assembling my purchases. At least their rugs were for sale.

  "One more," Nathan coaxed, pointing across the car park. "We haven't been in that one yet."

  I hadn't noticed the furniture store squeezed between two baby shops. "Okay, one more. If they don't have anything, I'm going to IKEA."

  Nathan shrugged. "I still owe you that coffee and I've heard theirs isn't bad. And I'd get to show you my handyman skills as I build your furniture for you. On second thought, let's skip this place and head straight to IKEA. I haven't had one of their cheap hot dogs in years."

  I laughed and tugged on his arm. "After this shop, you're on."

  We never made it to IKEA. Shop number five was perfect. When I mentioned my bamboo floors, one of the staff started pointing out matching options. The dining table, matching buffet, bar stools for the breakfast bar, coffee and side tables... "All I need now is a lounge suite," I said, scanning the shop.

  The shop assistant pointed out two and three seater sofas, but I shook my head. I'd had that sort of old-fashioned style in Melbourne. For this place, I wanted modern. "Something long and connected that kinks around a corner with space for two of us," I said, then looked up at Nathan's laughter. "What?"

  He jerked his head at a bright blue sofa that peeked out behind an enormous dining table. "Is that long and kinky enough for you, angel?"

  Blushing, I swallowed back my retort as I strode across the carpet to the...shit. Kinky corner sofa. Well, I know I wouldn't be doing any kinky stuff on it. The slightest suggestion of bondage and I'd call the police. At least I knew Nathan would agree with me on that one.

  Without a word, he stretched out along the generous three-seater, raising his eyebrows at me. He patted the blue suede beside him. "If you sat here, you could stretch your legs out that way and I could rest my head in your lap." He winked and I was stunned to see the shop assistant blush.

  Shit, I'd forgotten about the sleazy comments he'd occasionally let slip. The charming man who'd even had some of the nurses blushing for him when I was in hospital. Then, it had scared me a little and reminded me of Jason. Now, I knew I could handle it. After all, he was all bark and no bite.

  "C'mon angel, come try it out with me."

  I laughed. "If you think it's comfy enough, that's all I need to know. I'll take that, too."

  The shop assistant's eyes widened. I wondered if they worked on a commission basis here. If so, Wendy – at least, that's what her name badge read – was in for a nice bonus this month. We followed her to the counter, where she keyed my selections into the computer. "Now, will you need delivery for these?" she asked.

  I nodded. Despite Nathan's valiant offer of assistance, there's no way in hell I'd ask anyone except an experienced removalist to shift my furniture up the stairs to my place. And even then, I'd offer them a bonus for the back-breaking job.

  She called the warehouse and happily told me it could be delivered tomorrow morning, provided there were no stairs.

  Nathan laughed.

  I forced myself to keep a straight face. "There are stairs. I'm on the third floor."

  Her smile died and she turned her back on me to continue her conversation with the warehouse scheduler, dropping her voice as if she didn't want me to hear it. When she finally faced me again, she said, "That'll cost extra. And you'll have to pay the removalists direct in cash."

  I nodded at the numbers. That was normal. "Tell them I'll add a case of beer each from the liquor store up the road. I'll pay for Crown, but they can pick whatever they want up to the same value."

  She looked shocked but grudgingly relayed the offer to her counterpart on the other end of the line. "The drivers are about to finish up for the day, but they've agreed to deliver yours this afternoon."

  Now I smiled. "That sounds lovely." Worked every time.

  THIRTY-ONE

  Caitlin ended the call and set her phone down on the kitchen bench. "They're downstairs. Can you give me a hand moving the loveseat into my bedroom?" She waved at the tiny sofa.

  I burst out laughing. "That's seriously what this thing's called?" I lifted it easily. "Making love on this would be pretty cramped. One wrong move and you'd end up on the floor."

  Caitlin pushed aside some of this morning's debris with her foot, blushing redder with every step. The moment we'd put the sofa down, she dropped to her knees to clean up the mess of bottles that we'd knocked off the dressing table. I glanced at the mirror. The fog had faded, but I could still see the faint outline of where her body had rested, the line of her thigh along the top of the dresser...

  "I should probably wipe things down in here, too." Her voice sounded faint. "Can you put the table and chairs on the balcony, where they'll be out of the way? I'll be out in a minute." She started rubbing a cloth in furious circles over the mirror, then swirling it across the dresser surface, too.

  "Angel, I..." I swallowed. I wanted to apologise for rejecting her and tell her the real reason why. But I couldn't do it. So the coward in me said, "Sure," and I headed for the folding tabl
e.

  An open folder of documents sat on top of it, which I moved to the bench before I returned the table to its flat storage state and carried it to her balcony. I dumped the stacked chairs beside it.

  I picked up the folder. "Angel, where did you want me to put these?" I glanced at the papers. The top one was a letter from ASIO, identical to the ex gratia letter I'd received. How much had they offered Caitlin? Curiously, I shuffled through them to find out. "Fuck!" Three million dollars. More than she'd been given for the television interview. The money they'd offered me wouldn't have paid for her furniture purchases today. Well, it explained why she'd spent so much without blinking at the expense. Not if she had this much money to play with.

  "What is it?"

  The sound of her voice made me drop the folder guiltily. Papers flew everywhere. I sank to the floor after them, crawling on my hands and knees to collect the lot. I found the unsigned agreement that had been in the envelope with the offer letter. Three million dollars and she hadn't accepted it? Why the hell not? I shoved the page at her. "Why haven't you signed it yet?"

  "I wanted to speak to you first. I wanted to know if they'd made you an offer and whether you were going to accept it. I tried calling but I only got your sister and she said she wouldn't give you a message for me." She swallowed uncomfortably and I realised I'd asked about something that was none of my business. It was up to her if she wanted to accept compensation for what they'd done. She continued, "I wanted to know why. Why now, after the interview and five years have passed. What's changed?"