Masters of the Shadowlands 8 - If only

by Cherise Sinclair

  “Because of us.” Because they didn’t get there in time. Because of me. “Was she…” Did I cause that?

  “Go and stay with Kari. I don’t want you to return to the house, is that clear?”

  She froze, her mouth dropping open. “But you…you—”love me. You said. The words welled higher in a child’s helpless cry. “Let me—”be with you. Please. Her request dried up like corn in a drought, leaving her mouth tasting like dust.

  Because she’d caused those deaths. If she hadn’t kept Galen and Vance up all night, hadn’t begged for attention, hadn’t made them late for work, maybe they’d have been in time to save the officers and the woman.

  My fault. Because she was stupid and selfish and always asking for more. She stared at the empty St. Andrew’s cross, and guilt crept into her blood like a transfusion of darkness. Because Sally had wanted her men to lighten up, a woman had died.

  And Vance was disgusted with her; she could hear it in the lifelessness of his voice, the coldness. Vance wasn’t cold. Not to her.

  On the phone, she heard, “Buchanan, you need to—”

  “Just a minute,” Vance snapped. “Sally, did you hear me?” Someone in Vance’s office was trying to get his attention. And she was interfering with his work again.

  “I heard,” she whispered. “Take care of…” She didn’t have the right to say that to him. Didn’t have any rights at all. “Bye.”

  She set the cell down beside her. Carefully. As if the phone would break if she handled it roughly.

  Staring at the blank display, she curled into a ball in the leather chair. The leather skirt rucked up on her thighs. Making her look like a slut. And that leopard-printed top she’d put on earlier was stupid, not alluring at all.

  She slowly pulled the cat ears’ headband from her hair. She’d wanted to talk the men into playing hunters against the wild cat woman. Her eyes closed as humiliation made her stomach sink.

  Always playing games. No wonder the Feds wanted her gone. Her childish whining for attention had meant they hadn’t been there to prevent someone’s death. Self-loathing lapped at the edges of her confidence, and pieces of her crumbled off, falling into the blackness. Disappearing forever.

  She looked up to see Kari returning from the bathroom, her phone to her ear. As she reached Sally, she said, “Okay. Love you,” and stuffed the cell into her pocket. “Dan says you’re our new roommate.”

  “I heard.”

  Kari sat down beside her. “Are you all right?”

  “Oh sure.” No. And probably never again. “Just tired.”

  “Hardly. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  She forced a smile. “Nothing. Really. But I could use a drink.” Sally started to rise, glanced at the bar, and stopped.

  Master Cullen was behind the bar. His submissive, Andrea, had her hands on her hips, and Cullen threw his head back, obviously roaring with laughter.

  I don’t want to see him. He’d been Master of the trainees the night she’d come to the Shadowlands. The thought of disappointing him, first with her practical joke, and next because Vance and Galen didn’t want her anymore… She just couldn’t.

  “Kari?” Sally bit her lip. “Could you, maybe, get me a drink? Anything is fine. I just want to…sit…for a minute.”

  With a frown, Kari patted her arm. “Of course, I can. Stay put, and I’ll be right back.” She headed for the bar, pulling her phone out of her skirt pocket.

  A check a little later showed Kari at the bar—and waiting in a line. Good. Sally rose and headed for the exit. Going to Kari and Dan’s house was out. She didn’t want to be around anyone and especially not a Shadowlands Master. Especially not Dan. He must think she was pathetic. She’d faked orgasms, chosen herself such an abusive Dom that Dan had to rescue her. Then once she hooked up with nice Doms, she was such a whiny bitch that she interfered with their jobs.

  Got someone killed.

  The Feds didn’t want her anymore. Galen hadn’t even talked to her to say good-bye.

  Before she submerged herself in a complete mire of depression, she firmed her lips. She was a good person. Really. She had good friends. Was an honest, hardworking sort. Just couldn’t function in a relationship. Wanted too much. Selfish, self-centered. Stupid.

  Near the door, as she halted to let three submissives in full pony attire trot past, she saw Rainie approaching with an empty tray in one hand.

  “Hey, Sally. Mistress Anne is seriously furious.” Rainie patted her heavy breasts, looking worried. “She won’t be able to adapt her cock crushers to fit on my tits, will she?”

  “Ah. Don’t think so.” Sally took another step toward the door. “Listen, I need—”

  “Thank you, God.” Rainie grinned before frowning. “She’s gonna talk with your Doms and let them deal with you. Are you going to be in trouble?”

  The unexpected question stabbed into Sally like a pitchfork, leaving bleeding holes in her heart. Galen and Vance wouldn’t be around to deal with her. “I-I… No. Vance and G-Galen don’t like me anymore, so I guess it’s not a problem.” She blinked against the welling tears.

  After a blank stare, Rainie snarled, “Those sons of fucking bitches!” She slammed her drink tray down on the closest table, startling the two Doms sitting there. Putting an arm around Sally, she pulled her close. “What did they do, baby? What happened?”

  Baby. Galen liked to call her baby girl. Sally pulled in a shuddering breath. “I’m not really sure.” I was selfish. Needy.

  Like magic, Jessica and Gabi appeared in front of her.

  Jessica was wearing the heavy black leather collar that Master Z required of her in the club, and the sight made Sally’s heart ache. Vance had put a collar on her. “…you can consider yourself collared by Galen and me until we take it off.” He’d liked her then.

  “Sally,” Gabi said, her voice gentle. “You look miserable. Let’s sit for a bit.”

  “I don’t think I want—” Before the sentence was finished, Sally was sitting on a couch with Gabi beside her.

  “What’s made you so unhappy?” Gabi asked, brushing Sally’s hair back.

  “It’s those fucking FBI agents,” Rainie said.

  “The Feds? What did they do?” Jessica asked. Standing in front of the couch like a guard dog, she crossed her arms over her lacy bustier. “If they hurt you, I’m going to—”

  Gabi clucked her tongue against her teeth. “Let’s get the facts before you string them up by their pride ’n’ joys, okay?”

  “I’d rather hang ’em and get the facts later,” Rainie said, taking the same aggressive posture as Jessica.

  Sally stared up at them. Two subbie defenders in one club? Master Z would have a fit. And yet, knowing they’d take on the Feds for her…that she wasn’t alone… Her chin quivered, and she bit her lip.

  “Can you tell me what happened?” Gabi wrapped a warm hand around Sally’s.

  “It’s not their fault. It’s mine.” She stared down at their joined hands. “I just wasn’t—”Ready. Prepared to break up. “Vance told me to go home with Dan and that they’d send my stuff. Not to go back to their house.” Not to go where she’d been so happy.

  “That limp-dicked, slimeballed, fucking feckless FBI fart,” Rainie growled. “Get the noose.”

  Gabi’s frown silenced the trainee. “Why, Sally?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know!” Realizing she’d shouted, Sally covered her mouth with a shaking hand. “I do know,” she whispered, grief filling her chest. “I wanted to— I made them late for work. People died.” Remorseful tears spilled over, turning the room to a wavering darkness. “But Gabi, they said they loved me. They did.”

  Her breath hitched, and all she wanted was to crawl into a corner and cry and cry and cry. I tried to be good. I tried so hard.

  “Huh. Sally, I know them—and can’t imagine them using the ‘love’ word if they didn’t mean it. Can you?”

  Sally shook her head.

  With a low humph, Rainie dro
pped into a leather chair on the other side of the coffee table. Jessica moved back beside her, resting a hip on the chair arm.

  “Good, you’re here,” Kari said to Gabi as she walked into the area, holding a tray.

  Sally pulled in a slow breath—get it together—and realized what Kari had said. “You called them?”

  “Of course. They were just upstairs having a chat.”

  No schoolteacher should be that sneaky.

  Kari gave her a concerned smile and set the tray on the table. “I brought drinks for everyone, but no drinking if you’re planning to play later, okay?” She picked up a heavy mug and handed it to Sally. “Even from the bar, I could see you shaking. You get hot chocolate.”

  Something warm would be good. Icy slush seemed to have replaced her blood. But she’d almost rather have a serious drink. Or a bottle. “Thank you.” Sally gulped down some of the hot chocolate and gasped as the liquid hit her stomach with far more potency than just milk. “What did you put in that?”

  “Andrea wanted to come help, but Cullen said he needed her at the bar, so she mixed the cocoa with Baileys and Frangelico instead of water and said to consider that your hug.”

  “She’s so sweet.” Almost tearing up again, Sally determinedly sipped. All alcohol, the drink heated her insides quickly.

  Friends and alcohol and chocolate—FAC—the ultimate postdisaster support system for women.

  Kari handed out the rest of the glasses and took one for herself.

  Time to change the subject. Sally said, “You never told me if you got spanked for drinking at my graduation reception. Did you?”

  The others giggled…until Kari’s mouth turned down. “No. I didn’t. He hasn’t—” She sighed. “Sex is okay, but I miss the D/s stuff. It’s like… I guess he doesn’t want me that way anymore.” She shrugged. “But it is what it is.”

  As everyone stared at her, Kari took a hefty swallow of her drink. “Zane is staying with my mother tonight, so I can get drunk if I want to.”

  “That sucks,” Gabi muttered. “If I get drunk and mouthy, Marcus knows I’m craving a fake fight and punishment. I get spanked.”

  Sally knew Gabi would never deliberately disappoint her Dom. But Master Marcus enjoyed that she provided him with reasons to tan her ass. Of course, being a Dom, he didn’t need any excuse other than he wanted to, but punishment role-playing was just plain fun.

  Sally managed to smile, even as grief threatened again. She and Vance and Galen had barely begun to develop those unspoken agreements. She shook her head to dislodge the thought and studied Kari. She’d been sick and exhausted for months after having Zane, but not anymore. And Zane must be around eight months old.

  It would be nice to have a baby someday. Sally had wondered once or twice if Galen and Vance wanted children.

  Guess I don’t have to worry about that.

  She’d worry about Kari instead. Starting now. Sally turned to Gabi. “Can I stay with you tonight? I think Kari needs to smack Dan upside the head while Zane’s not around to watch.”

  “What?” Kari’s drink stopped halfway to her lips.

  Gabi simply smiled. “I totally agree. A good smacking is indicated, and yes, you’ll come home with me tonight.”

  At Gabi’s instant agreement, Sally felt the wetness on her cheeks. Jeez. “Thanks.” She tried to furtively wipe her eyes and froze at the sight of a giant in leathers stalking toward their sitting area. Oh shit.

  Silently, his submissive, Andrea, followed him into the group.

  Master Cullen stared down at Sally. “Did you think you could hide in a corner and cry?” he asked without a hint of his usual good humor.

  Unable to speak, she shook her head and stared at her feet.

  He dropped to a knee in front of her. “Look at me, love,” he said, a hand on her cheek turning her face back to his. As his perceptive green eyes studied her, anger harshened his features. “Are those Feds the reason you’re crying?”

  God, she didn’t want to set one Master against another. “No. I’m just having a bad day. I’m not at all—”

  “You’re not at all a good liar.” Cullen shook his head. “Were they annoyed at what you did to Mistress Anne?”

  “No. They don’t know.” Don’t need to know now. “Master Cullen, please. This isn’t necessary.”

  “But she is crying because of the Feds,” Rainie volunteered. “They dumped her. Fuck, the assholes just told her they’d send her stuff and not to come back. Over the phone no less.”

  Sally scowled at her way-too-helpful friend.

  Cullen’s face darkened with rage.

  No no no. Holding up a hand, Sally stammered out, “It’s my fault, all my fault. I screwed up. Don’t—”

  Andrea stepped up beside Cullen, her eyes sparkling with wrath. “Cabrónes. Hijos de puta.” She touched Cullen’s hand, which had formed a fist, and actually nodded approval. “Sí, Señor, wipe the pavement with them.”

  A grin broke over his face. “You’re definitely the woman I love.” He gave Andrea a quick kiss. “Find Jake and give him the bar, and if I’m not back before you’re ready to leave, text me.”

  When he headed for the door with a determined stride, Sally stared after him. “He wouldn’t—”

  “But yes. He will leave their bones scattered in the street for the dogs to chew.”

  Sally’s mouth dropped open. Andrea really was a match for Master Cullen.

  Andrea gave her a hug. “It will get better. Now I must do as Señor said.”

  As her friend headed back to the bar, Sally realized everyone was looking at her again.

  “So, I want to go over this a bit more,” Gabi said.

  Jessica nodded. “I’m missing the logic too. They threw you out of the house because you made them late for work?”

  “I wanted…” She wanted to hide under the couch rather than admit to her selfishness. With a sigh, she pushed her hair out of her face. She should own up to what she’d done. “They’d been so depressed, and I wanted to make them feel better.” Her eyes filled again. “I didn’t mean to make it all about me.” But she had.

  “Go on.” Rainie prompted, “You jumped them in bed? Or forced them to endure blowjobs? Or cooked them an extra-big breakfast?”

  “Last night, I attacked them with a water gun and started a fight.” Her lips curved for a second before quivering again.

  “They were angry?” Gabi asked softly.

  “I’ve never heard Galen laugh so hard.” Sally looked at her hands. “And yeah, there was sex.”

  “So this morning, you pulled them back in bed and started to cry because you wanted more sex?” Jessica asked.

  “No!” Sally shook her head. “I’d never do that. We just slept too late, and, well, Galen decided he needed…and Vance agreed.”

  Rainie snickered. “I can guess how that ended. But sounds like they made themselves late. You didn’t.”

  “But I did. It’s my fault. I asked…” Sally stopped, playing the morning back in her memory. “No. No, I didn’t. I didn’t whine. Or beg. Or even ask them not to go.” Relief was like an upwelling of clear water, so clear she could almost see to the bottom of her idiocy. “But still, they were late to work. They weren’t there, and people died.”

  Kari was frowning. “Are you blaming yourself for those cops who died? Jeez, Sally, they died in New York. Yesterday evening. Galen and Vance couldn’t have prevented that.”

  “New York?” Sally slumped back. “I…don’t get it. And the woman?”

  “A forest in New York state. A couple of days ago. Someone saw a cabin burning, but the fire department was too late.”

  The fire department? She closed her mouth. None of it was her fault.

  “What else do you know?” Jessica asked Kari.

  “Just that Sally was staying with us because Dan isn’t officially on the Association case.”

  “So why did they kick Sally out?” Rainie asked.

  Sally pulled in a breath as understand
ing lightened the darkness inside her.

  “The Harvest Association?” Jessica asked. “But I thought they’d caught the head of the organization. That he was dead.”

  “The arsonist is still running loose,” Sally said.

  “Dan said the cops were shackled to something, so they couldn’t escape,” Kari said.

  Gabi had turned the color of her white peasant blouse. “Shackles and death by fire. The Harvest Association signature.”

  “That’s just sick.” Rainie’s lip twisted as if she wanted to spit.

  “But if the deaths happened in New York, what does it have to do with me?” Sally asked. “I don’t get it.”

  “Well.” Kari bit her lip. “This stays with us, right?”

  Heads nodded.

  “The two cops who died were the ones who’d shot that Somer guy. Galen shot him too.”

  Sally’s eyes widened. “They think the arsonist is after revenge?” Oh fuck. “That the guy might come here?” A knife of worry slid between her ribs almost soundlessly. Galen was in far more danger than she was.

  Gabi pursed her lips. “Galen is definitely the type who imagines worst-case scenarios.”

  A chill crept up Sally’s spine. Because he’d lived through them. “I didn’t do anything wrong. And they do love me. But they don’t want to see me hurt.”

  Kari nodded. “That sounds right.”

  She leaned back, relaxing for the first time in hours. Nothing had changed—she was still ousted from the house, separated from the idiots she loved—and yet everything was different. “So Vance sent me away—and Galen let him—because there’s a chance some a-hole will decide to visit sunny Florida?”

  She didn’t need an answer. Oh yes, that’s exactly what had happened. Because Galen wouldn’t take any chance that she might get killed as his wife had. She growled. “Those fucking dickless—okay, maybe not that—lily-livered, spineless, impotent—okay, not that either—chickenhearted, dim-witted, gutless Doms.”

  Gabi snorted. “No Dom cookies for them?”

  “There’s the Sally we know and love.” Jessica grinned. “What are you going to do?”