Reckless Desire

by Madeline Baker

  I saw a restlessness in Shadow in the days that followed the arrival of the railroad. Often I caught him gazing westward toward the vast prairie that stretched away for miles, the earth clean and unscarred, untouched by hoe or plow. Often he threw a bridle on Smoke and went for long rides alone. I knew, without asking, what he was thinking. And Cloud Walker confirmed my suspicions.

  ''He is feeling closed in," Cloud Walker remarked one day as Shadow rode away from our place toward the hills. "There are too many people now."

  "I know," I said, smiling sadly. "Shadow will never be totally civilized. A part of him will always want to wander, to see land that is free and wild."

  Cloud Walker nodded. "This is no way for a warrior to live," he said, gesturing at our house and the barn and corrals. "A warrior should live free, with only his horse, his woman, and his weapons."

  "I'm afraid the day of the warrior is over," I said with a sigh. "And the day of the white man is here."

  "Would you leave all this if Two Hawks Flying asked you to?"

  "Leave?" I glanced at our home, at the trees and the corral and the horses frolicking in the distant pasture. "Has Shadow spoken to you of leaving?"

  "No. But I think he thinks of it often."

  I stared out at the prairie. It was beautiful now. The grass was a bright green, the sky a clear azure blue, the trees decked out with tender green leaves, the wildflowers in bloom. Yes, it was lovely now, but in winter it would become a cold and lonely place. If Shadow wanted to move on, would I want to go? Our home was snug and comfortable. I liked having neighbors nearby, liked having people around me, though I enjoyed my privacy, too. I liked being able to browse through Pendergast's Dry Goods Store for material and dresses, to be able to go into town when I ran out of sugar or salt or thread or bacon. I wasn't a young girl anymore, and the thought of starting over in a new place seemed more like work than another adventure.

  And what about Hawk and Victoria? What about Blackie? He wanted to go to school and study to become a veterinarian. And what of Mary? And Cloud Walker? And my grandchildren? I could not leave Jacob and Jason. I wanted to be here, to see them grow up.

  I thought about what Cloud Walker had said as I prepared dinner that night. Once, Shadow had discussed all his hopes and dreams with me. Why was he keeping this to himself? Was he afraid to tell me he wanted to move farther west? Was he afraid I wouldn't go with him? Or had he neglected to mention it because it was merely a passing fancy?

  I caught Shadow watching me several times that evening, his dark eyes thoughtful. Once he started to say something, then changed his mind.

  It wasn't until we were alone in our room that night that he asked what was troubling me.

  "You are," I admitted. "Why haven't you told me what's bothering you?"

  Shadow frowned. "Nothing is bothering me."

  "Don't lie to me," I said softly. "You've never lied to me."

  "Hannah"

  "If you're not happy here, why haven't you told me? Why did I have to hear it from someone else?"

  "Who has told you I am unhappy here?"

  "Cloud Walker said you wanted to move on, to get away from Bear Valley."

  "I never said that."

  "But you've thought about it."

  "Yes." Shadow gazed out the window. "It grows too crowded here to suit me. There are too many people, too much confusion. But I would not ask you to leave, Hannah. You spent too many years following me from place to place, living from day to day. Never knowing where your next meal was coming from. This is your home, our home. We will stay here."

  "But you'd like to leave, wouldn't you?"

  "Yes." His voice was low, filled with a deep yearning.

  I turned away, unable to look at him, unable to face the unhappiness in his eyes. I had caught a wild creature when I married Shadow, I mused. I had caught him and gentled him, but he was still a wild creature under all the trappings of civilization, a wild creature who yearned to be free.

  Shadow took me in his arms then and we did not discuss it any more that night. I clung to my husband, telling him with my kisses and my caresses that I loved him, needed him. Loved him. We made love desperately, our bodies straining to be close, closer, as if by the very force of our love we could solve all our problems and make them go away. My hands stroked Shadow's flesh, loving every hard-muscled inch, loving the way his skin felt beneath my hands and lips and against my flesh. His mouth nuzzled my breasts as his hands kneaded my back and thighs, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, drawing him closer as my hips arched upward to receive him. I was whole then, complete at last.

  Later, when Shadow was sleeping peacefully beside me, the tears came.

  PART THREE

  27

  Mary took a deep breath as she stepped off the train. She spotted Frank immediately and forced herself to smile as he made his way toward her.

  "Welcome home, Mary," Frank said, kissing her cheek. He glanced at the baby, sleeping peacefully in Mary's arms, and it was all he could do not to grimace with distaste. The girl was eleven months old now. Her hair was black, like her mother's, her skin was a deep tawny brown. When her eyelids fluttered open, he saw that her eyes were a dark blue-gray. He had never thought of Katherine as his daughter.

  "How are you, Frank?" Mary asked.

  "Fine, just fine." He motioned to one of the porters. "These two bags, please," he said curtly, and taking Mary by the arm, he led her to a shiny black carriage. A pair of matched gray geldings stood in the traces, a Negro in dark blue livery held the reins.

  With a great show of affection, Frank helped Mary into the carriage, stepped in beside her, and closed the carriage door.

  Mary leaned back in the plush green velvet seat. She had known that Frank was rich, but she had never given it much thought until now. He reeked of money. The carriage was new, obviously the best that money could buy. The horses were well-bred, so perfectly matched they might have been twins, though twin horses were rare. Frank's suit had been tailored especially for him, and it fit like a glove. His boots were of the finest Moroccan leather. A large diamond stickpin sparkled in his cravat.

  He chatted amiably as they drove through town toward home, telling her about his parents' new house, about dining with Diamond Jim Brady, about the latest play he had financed. Oh, yes, and he had planned a party to welcome her home. Everyone who was anyone in Chicago had been invited.

  Mary nodded and made all the proper replies, but inwardly she was wishing she had never left Bear Valley. As she looked around at the crowded city streets and saw the people bustling about, she was homesick for the peaceful beauty of the plains. Katherine jumped, startled, as a fire engine raced down the street, bells clanging wildly.

  Mary gazed in awe at Frank's new home. It was bigger and more elegant than anything she had ever seen. It was two stories high and sat on an enormous piece of ground. The house was stark white, trimmed with dark blue shutters. A profusion of flowers bordered the long driveway that led up to the house. Acres of neatly manicured lawn surrounded the house.

  Inside, the rooms were ornate, elaborately decorated in rich mahogany and dark maroon velvet. Thick carpets covered the floors. Heavy paper covered the walls. Crystal chandeliers hung from the high ceilings. Mary counted six bedrooms, a sitting room, a parlor, a conservatory, a large dining room, a spacious kitchen and pantry, a ballroom decorated with crystal and gilt-edged mirrors. There was a music room, a library filled with books, and a den stocked with a supply of good whiskey and Kentucky bourbon. A nursery, complete with a crib and rocking chair and a variety of toys, adjoined Mary's room.

  "It's lovely, Frank," Mary murmured, a little overwhelmed by the luxury of her surroundings. "Just lovely."

  Frank smiled, pleased. He had spared no expense in building this house. He was a wealthy man now, and he wanted everyone to know it.

  After a tour of the house, Frank introduced Mary to the servants. There was Manly, the butler; Anna, the maid; Dulcie, the cook; Marta, the house
keeper; George, the valet, and Mrs. Anderson, the nanny Frank had hired to look after Katherine. In addition there were several men who worked outside, looking after the grounds and tending the horses.

  It was going to take some getting used to, Mary thought, learning to order servants about and living in a mansion. But then, if Frank would just be understanding and reasonable, perhaps she wouldn't have to get used to it at all.

  She squared her shoulders as they returned to the parlor. The sooner she said what needed to be said, the better.

  "Frank, we need to talk."

  Frank looked at Mary expectantly. He had seen the wonder in her eyes as he showed her the house, seen the realization dawn in her expression as she came to understand that her husband was a very wealthy man. Now, Frank thought smugly, now she'll realize this is where she belongs.

  Frank smiled as he sat down on the sofa, patting the place beside him.

  "Frank . . ."

  He was looking at her expectantly, and Mary realized that what she had to say wasn't going to be as easy as she had hoped.

  "Frank, I didn't come here for a reconciliation," she said in a rush, hoping to get the words out before she lost her nerve. "I came to try to persuade you to give me a divorce."

  Frank Smythe stared at Mary, his eyes growing dark, his lips thinning with anger. "I don't want to discuss it," he said through clenched teeth.

  Mary felt a tiny flutter of fear at the look on Frank's face, but then she thought of Cloud Walker, of how much she loved him, and new courage flowed through her veins.

  "Please, Frank. You don't need me. Please let me go before we end up hating each other."

  Frank stood up, his eyes as hard as flint. "I would remind you to think of your daughter and what is best for her," he warned in an ominous tone. "Do I make myself clear?"

  Mary held Katherine tighter. "Yes, Frank."

  "Good. Now, why don't you go upstairs and rest awhile? My family is coming for dinner tonight. They wanted to welcome you home. Drinks are at seven."

  "I'll be ready," Mary said dully.

  Leaving the parlor, she walked upstairs to her room, her steps heavy with defeat. Placing Katherine on the bed, she slipped out of her traveling clothes and stretched out beside the little girl, who had fallen asleep.

  Mary gazed lovingly into her daughter's face. There had to be a way to convince Frank to end their marriage so she and Katherine could go back to Bear Valley where they belonged. In the meantime, she would make the best of things for Katherine's sake, though it would not be easy living with Frank when it was Cloud Walker she longed for.

  "Oh, Katherine," she murmured unhappily, "what am I going to do?"

  Drawing her daughter close to her breast, Mary closed her eyes and drifted to sleep.

  When she awoke, it was dark. Someone had laid out fresh underwear for her and lit a fire in the hearth to warm the room.

  Rising, Mary felt a wave of panic engulf her when she saw that Katherine was gone. Heart pounding, she ran across the room and opened the door to the nursery. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Mrs. Anderson playing pat-a-cake with Katherine.

  ''Is anything wrong, ma'am?" the nanny asked.

  "No, I . . . I just wanted to make sure Katherine was all right."

  "She's fine, ma'am. We've become good friends, haven't we, darling?"

  Mary smiled uncertainly. Katherine did seem happy with Mrs. Anderson.

  "Best get dressed, ma'am," the nanny suggested. "Mr. Frank is expecting you downstairs in thirty minutes."

  "Yes, thank you, Mrs. Anderson." Closing the door, Mary turned around to find Anna waiting for her.

  The maid smiled. "I'm here to help you dress, ma'am," she said with a curtsey. "What will you wear tonight?"

  "I don't know," Mary said. "I hadn't thought about it."

  Anna walked to the armoire and opened the doors. Inside hung dozens of dresses in a wide variety of styles and colorssilks and satins for formal occasions, day dresses of muslin and linen and cotton. There were hats and shoes and gloves to match each dress.

  "My, my," Mary murmured. Frank must have spent a fortune on clothes for her. But then, it was only fitting that she look the part of Frank Smythe's wife, and that meant she must dress with style and flare, as befitting the wife of a wealthy man.

  Anna reached into the armoire and pulled out a simple yet elegant gown of pale blue satin. "This, perhaps?"

  "Yes, that will do," Mary agreed listlessly. What difference did it make how she looked when Cloud Walker wasn't there to see her?

  Anna helped her dress, then arranged her hair in a most becoming fashion. A bit of rouge came next, adding a touch of color to her face, and Anna pronounced that she was ready to greet her guests.

  Looking into a mirror, Mary felt that she was looking at a stranger.

  Mattie and Leland Smythe were waiting for her in the sitting room, along with David, Gene, and Henry.

  Frank smiled benevolently as Mary entered the room. "You look lovely, darling," he said, crossing the room to bestow a kiss on her cheek.

  "Thank you. How nice to see you all," Mary said, nodding to the Smythes.

  "Don't you love this house?" Mattie gushed. "And wait until you see ours. It's not quite so grand as this one, but it's more than I ever dreamed of. Frank has been so generous." She beamed at her son, who basked openly in his mother's praise.

  Mary nodded. "I'm sure your house is lovely."

  "Oh, it is. You must come over tomorrow and let me show you around."

  Mary nodded again, wishing that Mattie would stop carrying on about how wonderful Frank was.

  Leland Smythe grinned at Frank, and then at Mattie. "I always knew Frank here would make something of himself, mother," he bragged. "He's going to be a big success, just like Abel and Benjamin and Cabel."

  "And what do you boys want to do?" Mary asked, turning to David, Gene, and Henry.

  David shrugged. "Frank's going to get me a job on the railroad."

  "And I'm working at the Chicago Bank and Trust," Gene announced.

  "And I'm not working at all," Henry said, grinning. "I'm going to college."

  "That's wonderful," Mary said.

  Mattie beamed at her sons. "David is getting married in December."

  "Really?"

  David nodded. "Yeah. I finally found a girl who would put up with me. She's a knockout, Mary, wait until you meet her."

  They talked about David's wedding until Manly announced dinner, and then they all went into the dining room.

  Mary was amazed at the amount of food placed before her. Soup and salad, two kinds of meat, three kinds of potatoes, four kinds of vegetables, bread and rolls and biscuits. Manly kept her wine glass filled, and by the end of the meal she was feeling slightly tipsy. Then came dessert, and a glass of sherry.

  By bedtime Mary was light-headed and drowsy. Anna helped her undress for bed, and Mary was nearly asleep when Frank slid into bed beside her.

  "Mary," he whispered. "Are you awake?"

  "Yes," she murmured sleepily. "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing, nothing at all."

  Mary closed her eyes again, then gasped as she felt Frank's hands fondling her breasts.

  "Not tonight, Frank," she protested. "I'm too tired."

  "You don't have to do anything," Frank murmured huskily. "Just lie back and enjoy it."

  "No, Frank, please."

  "Don't ever tell me no," Frank warned in a voice suddenly hard and cold. "You're mine, and don't you ever forget it."

  Mary started to protest, but some inner voice warned her to keep still. Frank was drunk and in a nasty mood. It would be foolish to argue with him now.

  Closing her eyes, she surrendered to her husband's lovemaking, her whole being screaming in protest as he possessed her, violently taking what she had lovingly given to Cloud Walker.

  Mary wept bitter tears after Frank left her bed to go to his own room. Was this what her life would be like now? No love, no affection, just a quick bedd
ing to satisfy her husband's lust? She thought of the love and warmth in Cloud Walker's embrace, how he held her afterward, his arms and lips sweet and tender in the afterglow of the passion they had shared. Cloud Walker had made her feel loved and cherished. Frank made her feel as though she had been used and tossed aside.

  She cried until she had no tears left, and then she fell asleep to dream of Cloud Walker.

  The next few weeks were a mixture of ups and downs. It was pleasant, living in a big house and having a dozen people to attend her every need. She spent hours with Katherine, watching her daughter learn and grow, smiling with pride as the child took her first steps. She bought Katherine dolls and toys and clothes, and delighted in watching her daughter's eyes glow with excitement as she reached for colorful balls and stuffed clowns and wooden horses.

  There were parties and grand balls, and Mary tried to have a good time. She wore beautiful clothes and danced with handsome young men and drank champagne and wine and pretended she was happily married. But at night she could not pretend. Her husband's caresses left her cold, and she dreaded the nights he came to her bed. Sometimes she tried to pretend it was Cloud Walker's mouth on hers, Cloud Walker's hands stroking her breasts and thighs, but Cloud Walker had been kind and gentle, considerate of her likes and dislikes, sensitive to her needs and desires. Frank was selfish, almost ruthless, in his lovemaking, and she found it repulsive.