The Secrets of Life

by K. L. Humphreys

  Thankfully, wearing sunglasses covers my eye so I don’t have to deal with the stares, however people probably think I’m a pretentious cow walking around in November wearing sunglasses. So today, I’m going to do some shopping, I’ve only gone to the local shop and back up to now. However, I need to go to the bank, I’m lucky the fucker that hurt me didn’t take my money.

  “Emme are you staying here or are you coming shopping?” Owen is coming with me, I don’t think he’s quite ready to let me out of his sight as of just yet, that and the fact I’m meeting Stef. Si and Tony want to stay inside. It’s pissing down with rain and its Saturday. This means the footballs on so they don’t want to leave the house.

  “Mummy can I stay here, but will you bring me home some McDonalds? She shouts and I can hear her running into the sitting room from our bedroom, the cheeky cow.

  “Si is that okay?” I ask walking into the sitting room and watch as Emme throws her dolls onto the floor and lies down beside them. Si is sprawled out on the sofa and Tony’s reading in the armchair.

  “Yeah Jess, I don’t mind if she stays.” He’s not even looking at me; his eyes are glued to the poxy telly.

  “Okay, I’m leaving, I shouldn’t be too long.” I tell them and not one of them answer me. I walk out of the room and see that Owen’s waiting for me in the hall. “They didn’t even listen to me when I told them I was going.”

  “Jess, don’t take it personally, but they only listen when they want to, it’s called selective hearing and you had it too when you were their age.” He informs me, and I narrow my eyes at him, “Don’t look at me like that, you did.”

  “Whatever.” I stick my tongue out at him and shout to the kids, “Okay, we’re off, be good, don’t kill each other and please don’t burn the place down.”

  “We won’t, relax Jess.” Si shouts back to me as Owen laughs.

  “Mummy, kiss.” Emme shouts and I can hear her running, she’s really heavy on her feet and it sounds like there’s a stampede coming towards you. She runs to me and hugs my legs, bending down I give her a kiss, “Love you mummy.”

  “Love you too baby. Be good for your uncles okay!” she nods and I give her one more kiss and she runs back to play with her dolls.

  “Jess, I’m starved, let’s get something to eat.” Owen tells me, thankfully I’ve done all the Christmas shopping and I have presents for everyone, “Please.” He’s actually begging me?

  “You have already eaten today, what the hell is wrong with you?” I ask, as we walk into the supermarket, we’ve just left Stef; we met her outside her flat, as she had to hurry as she’s off to work, but she did take the rest of the presents. “We’ll eat upstairs.” He’s just lucky, they have a food court here or he’ll have to wait until we went to McDonalds.

  “Good, do you want anything?” he asks and I can tell he’s about to make a mad dash for the queue.

  “Just a cup of tea please. will you order them, I need the loo?”

  “Yeah Jess.” He practically legs it to the food court the greedy git.

  I come back from the toilet and find us a seat as he’s just paying. That reminds me, he hasn’t once been to work at the charity shop he was supposed to. I wait for him to sit down before I bombard him with questions.

  He sits down, but he knows me too well, my mood must say it all, “Jess, what’s wrong?”

  “Um, why haven’t you gone to work at that charity shop?” It comes out a bit short which I never wanted it to, I don’t want to have an argument, and I just don’t have it in me.

  “Because, I was offered a new job and it’s one that pays, but I couldn’t start yet, I had to wait to get the all clear from both work and my parole officer.” he tells me as his food arrives.

  “Oh, why didn’t you tell me? What will you be doing?” I’m excited for him, at least he’ll have his own money, he’ll get out of the house and not be cooped up all the time.

  “A porter at the community centre. I know that I have a criminal record but the man said it was okay, it’ll be early in the mornings only for a few hours.” He looks happier already and that’s just him thinking about it.

  “I didn’t think they paid, but bloody hell that’s brilliant.” Finally some good news for a change.

  “Yeah me either, but they do. So it’s good for me, and I’ll pay you back for the money you lent me.” He’s talking about the hundred pounds I gave him while I was in the hospital; he needed that to feed the kids.

  “No you won’t.” he goes to argue with me but I cut him off, “Shut up, you’re not paying me back okay.”

  He sighs but reluctantly nods, “Thank you, so there is some things I need to talk to you about.” I nod, giving him the go ahead to continue, “Mum’s debt, how much have you left to pay off?”

  “Fourteen thousand, two hundred pounds. That’s paying of her interest too, so nine months if I keep paying the four hundred a week, which I doubt will happen this week.” I tell him and I feel a sense of achievement that I’m so close to paying off that debt.

  “I can’t believe you managed to pay that off so quickly.” He looks shocked.

  “Yeah well, we never went hungry and the kids never went without what they needed. It was only if they wanted something new that I couldn’t afford to get it right there and then for them.” That’s the worst thing about it, they never got what they wanted straight away. I always hated going into shops and the kids asking for stuff and me telling them no, and then watching as other kids got what they wanted.

  “Jess, believe me I wasn’t saying anything bad. Jess you never and I mean never have to justify anything to anyone, especially me. I am fucking proud of you.” He says and I’m in shock, I don’t think anyone has told me they are proud of me before.

  “Proud of me?” I ask, close to tears, I’ve never thought of being proud of myself.

  “Jess, you’re a good mum and a brilliant sister. So yes I’m proud of you, especially how you dealt with having to look after three kids when you yourself were still one.” He looks guilty about that, but he shouldn’t be, I was going to be a mum anyway, I was pregnant when he got sent down.

  “Why were you asking about the debt?”

  He shifts in his seat that right there isn’t a good sign at all, fuck what has he done now. “Um, I kind of had a chat with the Marko brothers.”

  “You did what? Are you crazy? Oh my god, Owen, if your parole officer finds out you were seen there you’ll be sent down again.” I can’t believe he was so stupid, he’s not allowed near any criminals.

  “I know, but I had to do something, fucking hell Jess, you didn’t expect me to let you continue to pay that debt did you?” He says looking at me like I’m the bloody crazy one.

  “Um yeah. I didn’t think you’d be so bloody stupid.” God. I get up from the table before I slap him silly.

  “Jess, wait.” I don’t, I carry on walking, going downstairs, I’ll get the shopping and then we can go home. He follows me and grabs a hold of my arm, stopping me as he does, “I told them everything, all about how fucking shit mum is and how you’ve paid all the debt of yourself. They called me yesterday, they’ve blacklisted mum, she’ll never be able to gamble anywhere in London, and they’ve finished the debt. They said as you’ve paid it off they’re happy.”

  Is he for real? “Really?” If it’s not, then this is such a sick joke.

  “Yeah really, they said that if they had known who was paying that they wouldn’t have taken the money from you in the first place, they’re actually decent guys for being loan sharks. Plus they’re all about family.” He smiles at me.

  “Thank you.” I don’t think I’ve been this happy in such a long time. I can finally relax with money and just enjoy things now. We do the grocery shopping pretty quickly, thankfully we don’t have very far to go as my hands would probably fall off if we had.

  “You said there were a few things you wanted to talk to me about. That was only one, so what else is there?” I’m curious and apprehens
ive at the same time, god knows what’s going to come out of his mouth.

  “Um, it’s about Hunter,” He says cautiously.

  Just hearing his name makes my heart start to race, why is it that I want to see him again? “What about him?” Thankfully my voice is normal and doesn’t show how nervous I am.

  “He’s back in London for good.” I look at him, why the hell is he back? “His career has ended. His back is completely botched. He fell and landed on it badly. He hasn’t been able to play a full ninety minutes.” He tells me and Jesus that sounds painful.

  “Oh, wow, what’s he going to do now? That’s all he’s ever wanted to do. Anyway, why are you telling me that? London is a big place.” I’m kidding myself, I want to know, but I don’t. He has my head so screwed up.

  “Well, he did say he’d be back to see you. He’s in Devon getting his stuff, he’s after buying a house here.” The smile on Owen’s face tells me he’s up to something.

  “What have you done?” I ask, and I can see myself about to be pissed off.

  “He’s coming to get you later on. No Jess, don’t shake your head, the two of you need to talk, there’s stuff you both need to discuss and you’re only going to do that in private.”

  “God, Owen. Is there something wrong with you? Can you not butt the hell out of anything? Why the hell did you have to get involved?” Tears spring to my eyes and I let them fall as my hands are full of shopping.

  “Jess, you need to talk. Hate me all you want, but neither of you have moved on, and neither of you can until you sort everything out.” He doesn’t give a shit about me, if he did he wouldn’t push Hunter on me, he’d respect my wishes and do as I ask. “He said about sevenish.”

  “What has he said about Emme?” I know that he was at the hospital, I heard him so he must have seen her.

  “That’s something you need to talk about.” He doesn’t look at me and I get a bad feeling about this.

  Chapter Fourteen

  There’s a knock at the door and my heart starts to beat rapidly. Hunter’s here, god, why after all these years does he still have the power to make me feel like I’m fourteen again?

  “I’ll get it.” Si shouts as he walks past my bedroom. I’m pathetic, instead of the tracksuit and t-shirt I’ve been wearing for the last few days, I’m wearing a tight vest and my best jeans.

  “I’ll get it too.” Emme shouts and I can hear her feet pounding on the floor as she tries to catch up with Simon.

  “What are you doing here?” Si says angrily, and I feel bad that I’m the reason he has this hatred towards Hunter, yes Hunter deserves it, but Si doesn’t deserve to have those feelings.

  “Oh it’s the nice man again.” I hear Emme say, at least she likes him, I suppose her and Owen are on team Hunter.

  “Is your mum here?” I hear Hunter’s deep baritone voice, and it sends chills up my spine, the good kind.

  “Yes. I’ll get her.” Emme says, and I can’t help but smile at her exuberance. “Mummy.” She screams as she runs through the flat and into our room. “Mummy, that nice man’s here to see you.” She whispers it, like it’s a secret.

  “Okay, baby I’ll be out in a minute.” I can’t help but laugh as she runs out of the room. I put on my flip flops and walk into the hall.

  “Jess,” Hunter says in his deep voice, that sends shivers down my spine yet again, will this man never not affect me? “How are you feeling?” He’s dressed casually, in jeans and a t-shirt, the t-shirt is like second skin on him and shows every single muscle.

  “Better, thanks.” The word thanks is so much more than thanks for asking, it’s loaded with god, thank you so much, if you weren’t there, god knows what would have happened.

  “Mummy, is he staying?” Emme asks as she runs out of the sitting room, and I know damn well that either Owen or Si asked her that.

  “No baby,” I say and watch the disappointment flash across Hunter’s face, “we’re going out for a bit. You stay here with your uncle’s okay?”

  “Okay Mummy, but don’t be long okay, because you have to read me a story for bed.” She hugs my legs and runs back into the sitting room; she loves me being home, I get to spend more time with her before she goes to bed without rushing.

  “I’m leaving, I’ll be back soon. Oh and its movie night, so decide what we’re going watching by the time I come back or I’ll let Emme decide.” I shout as I walk towards the door.

  “Yes! Frozen.” Emme screams.

  “I’m not watching that shit. Nope, no way.” Owen says as I walk out of the door.

  We walk down the stairs in silence, I don’t know what there is to talk about but both him and Owen are adamant that there is something that needs to be said. Once we’re outside, I start to shiver and not in the good way that Hunter makes me. It’s from the cold November air. I should have worn my jacket instead I put on a small cardigan.

  “Thanks for doing this Jess, I know that you don’t want to.” Hunter says and he’s so unsure of himself.

  “It’s fine. I owe you for saving me. So what is it that you wanted to talk about?” I don’t want to drag up the past, it’s called a past for a reason and I hoped mine would stay buried for a long time.

  “Jess, I never sent my mum to break things off with you. Fuck Jess, she told me that you didn’t want to be with me.”

  I can’t help but laugh, “And you believed her?”

  “So did you, she’s my fucking mum Jess, I was sixteen, what the hell was I meant to think?” He says getting angry, he can take that anger and shove it straight up his fucking arse. “Hmm, what the hell was I meant to think?”

  “That your mum who has never liked me is a lying bitch?” I say truthfully, and something dawns on me. “You didn’t want me to have an abortion?” I choke out the words, ready to fall apart at any second.

  “Fuck no. Fucking hell Jess, you had an abortion because you thought that I wanted you to have one? Then you go and fuck someone else and have their child.” He scoffs at me looking thoroughly disgusted.

  “Why the hell would your mum say that? That was her grandchild she wanted dead and don’t you dare insinuate that I’m a whore.” I can’t wrap my head around how someone can be so fucking evil and for him to have the nerve to actually believe that I could be that evil by aborting his child and having one with someone else.

  “Jess, what the hell are you talking about?” He asks and I get that hearing your mum is a bitch is a bitter pill to swallow especially if you thought that they would have changed while you were away.

  “You should really have this conversation with your mum.” Anything to get him away from me, because I need to cry and I don’t want him to know that I’m crying over him.

  “Jess, fucking tell me what she said to you.” He demands and you can’t miss the anger in his tone.

  I walk over to the bench that’s opposite the block of flats and look up at the sky, “She came here, it was the day after Owen went to prison, she told me that you had changed your mind.”

  “I hadn’t Jess, I fucking loved you. I would have done anything for you and our child,” He shouts at me.

  “Don’t shout at me arsehole! Anyway, your mum told me that you didn’t want us, that you didn’t want to have a baby with scum.” The tears are flowing freely, that day, god just thinking back to that day makes my heart hurt all over again. It was the day I broke and I haven’t been fixed yet.

  “When have I ever said you were scum huh?” He stands and starts to pace, getting angry.

  “Will you stop interrupting me?” He nods, “Good, she told me that I was easy fuck to you and that you wanted me to have an abortion.” There, he knows the truth now.

  “I can’t believe you Jess. How could you think that I would even say that? I thought you knew me better than that?”

  “You? How could I think that? I was sixteen, pregnant and alone. Your mum was at MY door, telling me that you didn’t want me, didn’t want us. What the hell was I supposed to think Hunter?
Hmm. Then you ignore me so of course I believed her.” What is it with the O’Shea family? I think they make it their mission to make me cry as much as possible.

  “For fuck sake Jess, you should have known that I wouldn’t do that. Fuck, I thought you knew me.” He’s still pacing and it’s getting on my nerves. “Why would you even think that?”

  “You didn’t give me any reason to think that it was untrue, did you? You ignored me and then you buggered off to Devon, and you didn’t once look back.” All the anger I have towards him is coming out. I didn’t want this to happen.

  “You killed my child.” He screams at me.

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You, you aborted my child.” His face contorts with disgust as he shouts it out, spit flying from his mouth as he does so.

  I’m up on my feet and in his face. “Why, are you such a bloody arsehole? I didn’t abort your child, I rang and texted you every day throughout my pregnancy.” The tears are flowing and my anger is at the surface ready to burst out at any moment.

  He stops his incessant pacing and faces me, and I see that I’m not the only one with tears in their eyes, only mine are flowing down my face. “You didn’t have an abortion?” I shake my head. “So is Emme mine?” I nod. I can’t believe he didn’t know this, who had his phone then? “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? You made me believe she was someone else’s!”

  Why is he yelling at me? “When the hell did I make you believe Emme was someone else’s? I have never said that. Hell, I tried to tell you about her, I rang you every day, you never answered, so the day that Emme was born, I left a voice message, you never replied so we went on with our lives.”