London Belongs to Me

by Jacquelyn Middleton

  For Mark’s benefit, Alex’s face softened. She held her hand up and mouthed ‘It’s okay’, releasing him to deal with his boss. When Mark didn’t look back over his shoulder, she glared at her ex with a squint. “What are you doing here? How did you find me?”

  He jammed his hands into his pockets, but his vivid blue eyes smiled easily. “Your friend Olivia. Your mom gave me your home number in June, but when I called last week, Olivia said you had moved. She mentioned something about you writing here, so I took my chances. I’m staying nearby at the Travelodge on Waterloo Road.”

  Alex crossed her arms and leaned away from him. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

  “The buzz cut?” He ran his hand over the brown stubble on his scalp. “Yeah, I shaved my head. If I’m travelling around Europe for a few months, it’s one less thing to worry about. I was just in Italy.” The skin on his sunburnt nose and cheeks pulled painfully tight each time the corners of his mouth leapt into a grin.

  She stared coldly at the floor and noticed his footwear. White running shoes—so American tourist. “Are you here alone?”

  Devin nodded. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  “There’s nothing more to say.”

  “I know you’d rather punch me in the face than have a civil conversation. And I deserve that. But…things were left unsaid. Give me five minutes of your time, and then I’ll leave you be. Please?” His eyes pleaded.

  She turned back towards Kitchen, catching Freddie on the approach. Alex’s furrowed brow didn’t go unnoticed. “Lex, everything okay?” He placed a hand on her shoulder and stepped protectively into the space beside Devin.

  “Freddie, this is Devin. Devin…Freddie.”

  Devin extended his hand towards him. “Nice to meet you, man.”

  “Quite.” Freddie stood firm, ignoring Devin’s attempt at engagement. The American quickly pulled his hand away and stowed it in his jacket pocket.

  “Devin wants to talk. Shouldn’t be long. I’ll meet you back here soon, okay?”

  “I’m here if you need me.” Freddie’s eyes didn’t budge from Devin. “Come to the Long Bar when you’re done.” He backed away, giving Alex a slight nod.

  “Let’s head outside,” said Alex. “We can’t chat here. I’m done for the day, but my boss is still about.”

  She forced her arms into the sleeves of her coat and walked ahead of him, searching for a location that wasn’t too comfortable; the less time spent talking to him, the better.

  The theatre’s glass doors slid open. The perfect venue stretched across the Thames in front of her. “Have you seen the view from Waterloo Bridge?”

  Devin shook his head.

  “Follow me.”

  They climbed the nearby cement steps in silence, Alex leading the way with Devin in her shadow. She stomped along the bridge’s eastern sidewalk and stopped a third of the way across, the late afternoon’s darkness dotted by office lights, illuminated attractions and the occasional helicopter slicing through the sky.

  “You’ve come all this way. Say your piece.” Alex fished a chewing gum packet out of her coat pocket. Her gaze swept across the eastern skyline, flitting from Somerset House and St. Paul’s Cathedral to the Oxo Tower and the Shard.

  “I see you’re still wearing the necklace I gave you…”

  Alex exhaled heavily and yanked her coat closed. She shoved a stick of gum in her mouth, her eyes still avoiding him.

  “I made a huge mistake,” said Devin.

  A procession of four double-decker buses rumbled past, kicking up a blast of wind filled with crisp leaves across the pavement.

  Alex brushed her wayward bangs out of her eyes, staring down at the muddy Thames, churning like chocolate milk in a blender. She snapped her gum and began to rip its packaging into shreds.

  “I’ve felt sick about everything that happened. I’m not that person. I don’t lie. I’ve felt like a fraud ever since,” said Devin.

  Alex tossed tiny pieces of gum wrapper one by one into the river. “Well, our relationship certainly was a fraud.”

  Devin shook his head. “Not in the beginning, it wasn’t. Not for two years.”

  “And now you’re with Taylor…so, all is right in the world.” Alex chucked the last tatters of paper down to their watery grave.

  “No, we broke up.”

  Alex snorted and raised her voice. “Fantastic. What do you want? Sympathy? I don’t give a shit about either of you, okay? I’m only standing here to get some closure. You two tore my life to shreds. The two people I trusted more than anyone. What don’t you get?”

  Devin did a double take at the passing office workers glaring at them. He kept his volume low. “Alex, I get it. That’s why I’m here. I treated you terribly. I’m so sorry.”

  “So you come here to apologize now? It must be nice to clear your conscience and move on. But I’m still dealing with being left and lied to. It’s too little, too late.”

  “Maybe. But I owe you an honest explanation at least. I never gave you one.”

  Alex turned away and leaned on top of the white painted railing, gnashing her gum at a fast clip.

  “…It wasn’t planned. That’s the truth. I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I never set out to cheat on you. Taylor and I, we were both home in Louisville that summer. We hung out a lot. She was in a bad place. Remember how upset she was about her parents’ divorce?”

  Alex rolled her eyes skyward. “You’re preaching to the converted.”

  “I tried to distract her—took her to movies, concerts. One night we had too many tequila shots. She was really upset. One thing led to another. We kissed. I swore it wouldn’t happen again, but it did.”

  “I don’t need to hear all about your grand seduction. Just tell me. When did you sleep together?”

  “Is the when that important?”

  “Devin!”

  “…That first night.”

  Alex threw her arms into the air, just missing a fast walking businessman on his smartphone. “You’re disgusting. You couldn’t get into her pants quick enough.”

  “I missed you. I guess I was…lonely.” Devin scratched at the stubble on the back of his head. “This sounds terrible but…it felt exciting, risky…we both figured it would be a harmless hook-up that wouldn’t survive beyond the summer. But it was hard to end once we came back to Emory.”

  “Yeah, and then you and I started up where we left off in the spring. I didn’t leave your room for days, remember? No wonder Taylor was off with me that first week.” Alex shook her head. “At least you didn’t give me crabs or gonorrhea. I should count my blessings. God, I feel like a walking billboard for naivety.”

  “I always used a condom.”

  “Oh nice! That’s you to a tee, Devin. Ever so thoughtful, even with a raging hard-on for my best friend.”

  “I still loved you—even in the middle of it all. I felt torn.”

  “But you didn’t love me enough to keep it in your pants—or be honest about it afterwards.”

  Arms crossed, she leaned against the railing and bared her teeth. “You two danced around the truth for weeks. Taylor froze me out. All those cancellations, ignored texts. I felt guilty, like I had done something to her…and you, you were almost too attentive. Suddenly driving me to my part-time job. Surprising me in the library with cookies…and then—bam! One morning I’m cuddled up in your duvet while you shower, and a Snapchat message lights up your phone…”

  Devin bowed his head.

  “You know what’s the worst part of all this…you were everything to me. You were the one who helped me deal with my panic attacks. By sophomore year, I didn’t have them anymore, remember?”

  He nodded, avoiding eye contact.

  “You were always supportive, listened to my problems with my mom. Encouraged me to keep going in spite of her opposition.”

  “I tried to,” he said softly.

  “But when you fucked Taylor, all that foundation crumbled. The panic attac
ks started again and all that self-doubt I battled came flooding back. I felt abandoned all over again.”

  She jabbed a finger into her own chest, sniffing back tears. “I loved you more than anything. But that wasn’t enough, was it? Mine wasn’t the face you searched for on campus. It wasn’t me you thought about before falling asleep…”

  They both stared straight ahead down the Thames. Big Ben chimed six times in the distance behind them.

  “Cast aside. Replaced. Forgotten.” Alex wiped her eyes. “And now you want something, right? That’s why you’re really here. So, c’mon—what is it?”

  He offered a weak smile, but pulled it back when Alex didn’t look at him. “I know it’s a big ask…I just wish you could forgive me. Or at least not be mad at me anymore. I think it would help you move on. It would help both of us.”

  A half-laugh rose in her throat. She pounded her fist against the railing. “Well, I can’t. You lied. Pretended everything was normal. You broke my heart…”

  She stopped short, her tight grimace breaking apart into a full-on laugh.

  Devin flinched. “What’s so funny?”

  “Why didn’t I realize this before now?”

  “What?”

  “God, I have to laugh. Otherwise…” She shook her head. “It’s so Gossip Girl!”

  “Sorry?” He shrugged. “You guys used to binge watch it on Netflix, yeah, I know…”

  “I was Blair. Taylor was Serena. You were Nate. We were bloody Gossip Girl. The love triangle? Serena slept with Nate behind Blair’s back at the Sheppard wedding.”

  “Gossip Girl, eh? That’s funny,” said Devin.

  “Not for you, it’s not. Sorry…I can’t forgive you.” Alex rubbed her nose and buttoned her jacket. “I’m sorry you came all this way for something I can’t give. Wait—what the hell? Why am I saying sorry to you?”

  “What happened between us is the biggest regret of my life. It’s never too late to change your mind. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day.”

  “You’re going to be waiting a long time, Devin.” Alex spat out her gum and hurled it into the Thames.

  “Are you…seeing anyone?” His eyebrows pinched together. “That bartender guy back there, the one with his hand on your waist…”

  Alex gripped the railing, her knuckles drained of colour. “What gives you the right…” She shouted at the rippling waves. “Is that it? Are we done?”

  Devin nudged closer and leaned on the railing beside her, filling his lungs with cool air. “Alex, please…I know you better than anyone. I think you got on that plane to run away. To run away from the hurt I caused you. I’m just relieved to see you’re making a fresh start after all that upset. At least something good’s come out of all this.”

  Her head turned slightly towards his voice, but her gaze didn’t budge from the river. The urgent lapping of the waves against a marooned barge fell into sync with her breathing.

  “In college, it was clear to everyone that you had what it takes. I’ve since realized, I don’t. You know Dad’s always been on me to join his law firm. Well, after this gap year, I’m heading to law school. I need a fresh start, too.”

  Alex looked at him with narrowed eyes. “But you love acting?”

  Devin winked. “Not to worry, babe. I’ll save my theatrics for the courtroom.”

  A glimpse of the old Devin, bringing levity to a difficult situation. Alex cracked a half smile and then chastised herself for doing so. What’s that saying? There’s a fine line between love and hate…

  “But you’re not me. You’re talented. I think coming here on your own is inspiring. I always knew you had it in you. Always. I know it might not mean much coming from me, but I hope you keep following your dream. Don’t listen to your mom or anyone else who says you can’t make it. You can. And you will.”

  A few cold drops fell from the evening sky, dotting the pavement.

  Alex couldn’t breathe. The pedestrians, the boats on the Thames, the buses whizzing by—it all faded away into the darkness, leaving only Devin’s words suspended in her mind. She glanced up at his shirt; the first three buttons undone, revealing his slightly tanned neck and a fine sweep of chest hair. How often had she laid her head there? Safe, fulfilled—loved? Same old Devin…

  He smiled warmly. That smile. Alex’s heart skipped a beat. She trembled, but it wasn’t because of the November rain.

  “I guess I’ve said what I came to say. And I know you won’t believe me, but I couldn’t replace you, or forget you. Take care of yourself, Lexy.”

  Devin tossed his backpack over his shoulder and ambled down the bridge towards the steps to the South Bank.

  Twenty-Six

  Alex paused for a moment, unsure whether to chase after Devin or leave him be. A swarm of exuberant kilt-wearing schoolgirls unleashed from the National overwhelmed the sidewalk, so she could no longer spot him bobbing along the bridge.

  She ducked her head into her coat’s collar, trying to hide from the light drizzle, and jostled her way through the squealing herd. Her quivering legs made the trip down the cement stairs jerky and clumsy, like she was a newborn foal using its muscles for the first time. No sign of Devin in any direction. Alex wiped her nose with the back of her hand and hurried into the National’s lobby.

  “Finally.” Freddie caught up to Alex in front of the bookshop. “I was going to send out a search party. How’d it go? You okay? You’re shaking.”

  “I’m fine. Just cold and wet.” Her flighty hands combed through her damp hair as her watery eyes stared past Freddie. “I need a drink.”

  “No worries. Mark’s busy with his boss…Lucy’s on her way from the office.”

  Alex’s fingers grabbed at the waistline of her coat, desperate to pull it tighter.

  Freddie’s green eyes blinked rapidly. “Sure you’re fine? You seem wobbly…want a brandy?”

  “No. Jack and Coke.”

  Freddie pulled her under his arm, and they swerved as one through the growing pre-theatre crowd. “Sure thing, Little Miss Bossy. So…what did the frat boy have to say for himself?”

  Alex sank down on a plastic white chair a few steps from the bar. “He’s not a frat boy.”

  “Okay. Let me rephrase that…what did your shitty ex have to say for himself?”

  “…He apologized.”

  Freddie sat down opposite her. “He must’ve said more than ‘I’m sorry.’ You were gone nearly thirty minutes.”

  Mark rushed over with a hesitant grin. “Sorry. I couldn’t get away…You okay, Lex? You look worlds away. Who was that guy?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “She’s not.”

  “I am.”

  “You’re not.” Freddie waved Mark closer and lowered his voice. “The American bloke? Her ex. The one I told you about?”

  Mark’s eyes widened. “Oh, bollocks! Let me get you a drink.”

  Alex crossed her arms as Mark walked to the bar.

  “You’ll feel better if you tell me what happened.” Freddie tousled his hair for a few seconds, then removed his glasses. “Does he want you back?” He rubbed his eyes so hard with his index finger that they watered.

  “No! Maybe…I don’t know.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  Alex tapped her foot against the leg of the chair, the heel of her shoe slipping off further and further with each strike. “Well, I’m not going to lock myself in my room with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and Adele on a loop if that’s what you’re worried about. Where the hell’s that drink?”

  “So, you’re not pining for him, then? Seeing an ex out of the blue can bring back all sorts of crazy feels—don’t I know it,” said Freddie. “Spotting mine in Manchester…Christ, I didn’t last in that bar more than twenty seconds.”

  “It’s complicated.” Alex covered her mouth with her hand. “I’ll always have a soft spot for him.”

  She caught Mark approaching with her drink and a pint for Freddie, and sat up straight.

/>   “Jack and Coke? How’d you know?”

  “Just a hunch.” Mark smiled kindly. “It’s on me.”

  “Thank you.” Alex offered a slight grin.

  “Nice. I’m here slogging away in the trenches, and Keegs gets the smile? Well, at least we’re making progress.” Freddie nodded at Mark as he reluctantly returned to the bar.

  “I hate that Devin got the last word.”

  “Why, what did he say? Gimme details.”

  “He apologized. Several times. And told me his version of events with Taylor. My wild imagination can finally rest.” Alex took a long gulp of her drink. She closed her eyes and shook her head as it prickled down her throat.

  “Was it…incredibly dirty?”

  “Freddie!”

  “Sorry. Had to ask. So, do you feel any better about it?”

  “No. It feels like I’ve been stabbed in the heart all over again. Seeing him was weird. It’s stirred stuff up.”

  “Give yourself time. And booze…getting legless will definitely help.” Freddie picked up his pint. “So would a careless snog with a handsome devil, but maybe that’s just me.”

  Lucy pulled up a chair beside Alex. “Hiya. Sorry I’m late. Jubilee line insanity.” She dumped her satchel on the floor.

  “You’ll never guess who was on my train—Dominic West.” She caught Freddie’s frown. “Not that it matters…you okay, honey? I couldn’t believe my eyes when I got Freddie’s text. How did he ever find you?” She snatched the pint out of Freddie’s hand and took a long sip.

  Alex sneered. “Olivia. Devin called Harry’s flat.

  “God, is there no end to her meddling? Conniving twat. So…what did he say?” Lucy swigged the pint again.

  “He told me what happened. Apologized. He also said I’m ‘inspiring’, apparently. Shame my inspiration didn’t motivate him to steer clear of Taylor’s vagina.”

  Freddie snickered. Lucy spluttered on the pint.

  “Too much?” Alex swallowed another large mouthful of her drink and winced. “Did you say hi to Dominic? I loved his dancing in Pride.”

  Lucy coughed, shaking her head. “You’ve got to stop beating yourself up about what they did. Better you find out that he’s a wanker with a wandering eye, and she’s a deceitful prick tease. By all means, rage away. I would.”