Breath Of Life

by Shyla Colt

  “Did you get enough to eat, son?” my father asks.

  “I did. Thank you, all of you, for being here. I can’t express how good it is to see your faces.”

  “We’re happy to have you back,” my mom says.

  “Why didn’t Quinn come?” Harry asks.

  “She’s meeting up with her family, and I think she was nervous about her reception.”

  “What? Why?” Karen asks.

  “After what happened with Allie, she’s worried you might think the same way.”

  “No. Absolutely not. What happened was no one’s fault but those men. Allison is a woman who’s hurt to the bone and has nowhere to place her blame. She laid it unjustly at Quinn’s feet.”

  “Heard your girl lit her up with one hell of a right hook,” Patrick says.

  I chuckle. “I don’t call her sassy for nothing.”

  “So you going to make her a Hemingway, or what?” Harry asks, chiming in.

  “I’m planning on it.”

  “Don’t wait,” my father adds.

  “Dad?”

  “Women need to know they’re loved, and the one you got is a diamond in the rough. She’s stood beside you on many occasions when a lesser person would’ve run. That’s rare.”

  “The fact that she’s gorgeous, kind, and talented, doesn’t hurt either,” Mom says.

  I laugh. “No, it doesn’t.”

  We continue to eat and make small talk as I soak up their affection and support. I needed this time. The kids finish up their food and begin to kick a soccer ball around the yard. The sound of laughter pierces me like an arrow to the heart. Excusing myself, I make my way inside to grapple with the sorrow breaking over me. I walk to the bathroom, splash water on my face, and bow my head as Rolly’s memory comes front and center. He should be here right now, chasing his cousins with his too short legs, and laughing. I miss his laughter and his smell.

  Sinking down on the toilet, I place my head in my hands as I let the memories play like a movie in my mind.

  A tap comes at the door.

  “You okay, Oliver?”

  “Yeah, Dad. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Gathering myself stand, I step out into the hallway.

  “It’s okay to miss him, and to continue to deal with this loss the best way you can. There’s no shame in that, and no one expects you to simply bounce back. We’re here for you to lean on.” He squeezes my shoulder, and I fall against his chest and hug him tight.

  “I miss him so much, Dad.”

  “I know you do, son.”

  “I want to know that he’s okay, and at peace. It haunts me. I brought this trouble onto my family. I was cocky and ignorant. Quinn expressed her concern and I waved it off. Knowing all I had to do was listen to her, and this might’ve been avoided is what gets me the most.” My voice cracks.

  He cups the back of my head, and I’m taken back to being a small boy—when my parents’ wisdom and very presence made me feel like everything would be okay. “You can’t live your life wondering what would’ve happened. You can’t turn back time. That’s a lesson I learned the hard way. I went through life hating myself for the mistakes I made. It ate me from the inside out and soured my relationship with others. It’s a slow-moving poison that’ll ruin everything you touch. I refuse to sit here and let you make my mistakes. You got a good woman, a job you love, and family and friends that are here to support you. Take advantage of that. I also think you should see a counselor. This is too big for you on your own.”

  “Why do I deserve absolution?” I jerk away from him. “I should be tormented for the rest of my life.”

  “No, son, and hearing you say that aloud, should be a sign to us both how much you need healing. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, and so were Quinn and Roland. No one left this situation unscathed.”

  “But why him, Dad? Why my boy?”

  He shakes his head, and his eyes shine in the light. “That I can’t answer. I wish I could. No one knows that.”

  I dash at my eyes and sniff.

  “Better?” he asks.

  “A little.”

  “Let’s get you some beer. Water isn’t going to do it this time.” His no-nonsense statement makes me laugh. I’m amazed at how close we’ve become. A few months ago he wouldn’t have crossed my mind as a person to call if I was having trouble. I follow him to the fridge and accept the pale ale he pops the top off. “I meant what I said about Quinn. You don’t expect her to stay on without a serious conversation and a deeper commitment.”

  “We were talking about it being our goal one day before ... before Rolly was killed.”

  “Have you talked about it since?” he asks.

  “No, we haven’t exactly had an abundance of alone time.”

  “What are you planning on doing next?”

  “Getting the house fixed up and selling it. I can’t live there, and I won’t force Quinn to either.”

  “She’s coming with you then?” He leans against the counter.

  “Absolutely. That much we spoke about.”

  “Are you thinking about a home or an apartment?”

  “I’m not sure. We need to have that talk. I think more than anything we wanted to check in and let you guys see we were okay.”

  “I’m glad you did. We were worried. There were too many close calls.”

  “Yeah, there were,” I agree.

  “We should rejoin the others before they send a search party.”

  As we walk out, I ponder my father’s words. Maybe seeing a shrink wouldn’t be a bad thing.

  “HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT with your family?” I ask as I roll onto my side.

  “Good. My brother was in town, so it was all of us for once. I forget how much the two jerks like to gang up on me.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, it’s the right of the elders to test the young.”

  “Are you for real?” she asks with a laugh.

  “Hey, I’m the youngest in my family. I’m just telling you what I heard.”

  She tosses her bag into a chair and hops on the bed beside me. There’s a lightness in her eyes; a sparkle that had been dimmer before.

  “How was your time with your family?”

  “Good. Eye-opening, and hard. All the kids.”

  “Oh, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think about that. I should’ve been there.”

  I place a finger on her lips. “No, you were where you needed to be. They missed you by the way. They might kick my ass if I come back without you.”

  “Shut up.” She slaps my chest, and I pull her to me.

  “They don’t share Allie’s opinion, and they’re quite impressed with your left hook.”

  “Oh, jeez. I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

  “No, you’re pretty much a Hemnway legend.”

  “I’m not a Hemingway.”

  I roll her onto her back. “Yet.”

  “Is that proposal?”

  “No, it’s a declaration of intent, like a promise ring, but way cooler ’cause it’s grown up shit.”

  She giggles. “Is that so?”

  “It is. If you still want that.”

  “I do.” The humor leaves her face. “But we need to have a serious talk first.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  She moves to sit up, and I roll off her and perch on the edge of the bed.

  “We haven’t spoken much about a future. Not in great detail. Do you want a house or an apartment? Where do you want to live? If we get married, will there ... will there be kids?”

  I stare, unable to answer her. Right now the thought of another child is horrifying. It feels like a betrayal—the memory of the boy whose body isn’t even cold yet, and a chance to get what’s left of my heart trounced on. Bile rises in my throat.

  “I didn’t want to ask that. I know it’s too soon, and I’m not trying to minimize your pain in any way, or rush you. I’m not talking tomorrow, or even six months from now ... just one day. If you don’t think you
can, it’s okay.”

  I bow my head. “I can’t even think about that right now, Quinn. It makes me sick to my stomach.”

  She sighs. “Then save this promise until you know one way or the other.”

  “And in the meantime?” I ask as my voice shakes.

  “We figure it out as we go.”

  I grab her hand. “I want that with you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give it to you, but I want it more than anything,” I whisper honestly. The thought of a mini-Quinn has the word yes hovering on the tip of my tongue. I hold it back because I don’t make promises I can’t keep.

  “I think we can get there if we both want it badly enough.”

  “I can’t give you a timeline.”

  “I don’t need that. I just need to know the intention is there.”

  “Sassy, you can trust that anyway I can assure us together when we’re both old and gray, I’m going to take. I love you more than I knew was possible.” I pull her onto my lap. “I’m a broken mess right now, but I won’t always be. At the same time, I’m never going to be over what happened to Rolly. I’ll carry that with me until they day they bury me in the ground, and it’s going to come out at odd times. My father, he said something that stuck with me. I’m thinking about seeing a psychiatrist.”

  “I think you should. Not many people can understand what you’re going through, me included.” She runs her fingers through my hair.

  “Don’t give up on me?” I ask shakily.

  “I’ll never do that.”

  The incredible thing about her statement is how much I know she means it. There is nothing that helps me more than her steady presence. There’s no magic wand one can wave to make the pain go away, or a shortcut through the deluge of memories, questions about what if’s, and why my child. I keep most of what goes through my head to myself. What leaks out, I give to the woman in my arms. I’m treading water. It’s only a matter of time until I tire and drown in the relentless emotions bombarding me daily like a battering ram. First thing tomorrow, I’ll find a good psychiatrist.

  “ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE ready?” Houston asks as he corners me in the kitchen. It’s the first time I’ve been around this many people since I returned to the world of the living. In the living room, family and friends are gathered to celebrate the twins. One bouncing baby boy and a bouncing baby girl will be making their arrival in another two months or so. Being around my pseudo nephews and nieces is bittersweet. I’ve missed them. They’re also a slap in the face as I’m reminded of everything I’ve lost.

  “It’s past time I come back to work full time. I’m seeing a shrink, and we’ve settled into our new place. I don’t need you to handle me with kids gloves anymore, brother. You’ve done more than enough.”

  He sighs. “I don’t want you to push yourself.”

  “Trust me, I’m not. I need to get back to a state of normalcy. It’s time.” I peer over at Quinn, who is talking with her hands.

  “Things okay with Quinn?”

  “Yeah. I feel bad, you know?’

  “What? Why?”

  “She deserves the total package. Ring, kids, and the white picket fence.”

  “Ms. Monster Maker doesn’t strike me as the traditional type,” he says with a snort.

  I smirk. “Okay, maybe the fence was a bit much, but everything else is pretty spot on.”

  “If you feel that strongly about her, why not propose now?”

  “’Cause I’m still a wreck.”

  “She obviously doesn’t care about that, man. Plus, bro, you’re better off than most. You have your own home together, money in the bank, and a successful business. What you’re going through has no bearing on your character. It’s a sign of the human condition. No one expects you to snap back like a rubber band. I don’t know ...” His voice cracks “I don’t know how you’re still sane. You’re one of the strongest men I’ve ever known.”

  I think back to the bender in the hotel room. “For a minute there I wasn’t. I got dark in the hotel. I mean off the rails. If she hadn’t come and forced me kicking and screaming into the light, I can’t say we’d be here right now. It was so much easier to feel nothing. It let me pause time.”

  “Why did you snap out of it?”

  “She told me if I didn’t go into protective custody she wouldn’t either. I know her. She’s stubborn enough to do it. I couldn’t have another tragedy on my hands I could’ve prevented.”

  “She’s something, isn’t she?” Houston asks.

  “Yeah, she is.” I watch as Liv places Quinn’s hand on her belly. The joy that lights up her face reinforces what I’m working on in my counseling sessions. I want to see her face filled with awe over our baby. I can’t help but believe Rolly would approve. He loved his Quinny. If he’d been alive, he would’ve adored a new brother or sister. I cling to that thought when the doubts threaten to swallow me whole. “How are you guys dealing with the impending birth?”

  “She’s nervous, and I’m trying to stay calm and reassuring for everyone. I mean, the triplets are old enough to understand what’s happening, and they’re excited and eager to pitch in and help, the same way they did with Ryder. Now, Ryder isn’t able to voice how he feels, but he gets that he’s no longer the baby.”

  “Oh boy, is he having issues?”

  “There’s some regression, and acting out, but that’s normal. We’ll just keep working on him, and wait for it to die down and him to get back on track once they’re born and we can find our new normal.”

  The man is a freaking trooper. He runs the business and helps take care of a mini army at home. He’s the kind of father I would’ve killed to have growing up—involved, affectionate, and flat out cool. He managed to maintain the things that made him stand out as the years rolled by and we both took on more responsibility. It’s admirable. I’ve seen so many people lose themselves in marriages and parenthood. He was the first example I looked toward when I discovered Allie was pregnant.

  “We should bring out more drinks before Liv gives us a death glare,” Houston says as he finishes off his water, and pitches the bottle into the recycling bin.

  “I’m starting to think you’re afraid of your wife, bro,” I say, amused.

  “I keep telling you, I’m cautious.”

  I help him restock the cooler. We add another bag of ice and carry it out back.

  “Thanks, guys.” Liv flashes us a bright grin.

  “Anytime, Livy,” I say as I stand behind Quinn and she leans back against me. It’s time to ask for her hand and start shopping for a ring.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Quinn

  “Honey, I’m home,” I call as I step inside the two-story red brick home we purchased together. Thirty minutes from his previous home and forty-five minutes from mine, it’s the perfect new location. It feels safe and removed from all of the bad things that had happened to us. The high-tech alarm system attached to live service twenty-four hours a day helps. Once we began to bring our own things inside the home, we managed to create a new space for our memories to live on in.

  After hanging my keys on the hooks on the wall, I shut and lock the door.

  “Ollie?” I did an indie horror movie in Austin for the past week. It’s the longest we’ve been apart for nearly a year.

  “I’m out back, sassy,” he calls.

  I smile. The smell of something delicious reaches my nostrils. I head back and gasp at the elaborate spread he’s set out on the patio. Candles line the table and various other surfaces to create a romantic atmosphere. A bucket of chilled champagne rests in a silver bucket I know we didn’t have when I left.

  “Ollie?”

  “Welcome back. Can you tell I missed you?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, just a little. I’m not dressed for this,” I say, taking in his black pants and black button down shirt.

  “You’re perfect in everything you wear.”

  “You don’t have to lay it on so thick, baby. It’s been a week, believe me, you’
re getting laid.”

  His lips quirk upward. He looks good, less haunted. The appointments with the counselor are working. He has his days and breakdowns, but it’s never as dark as it was previous to his sessions. I’m proud of him.

  “It’s always about sex with you, isn’t it?” he asks, mocking offense.

  “Ha, you wish.”

  He lowers to one knee, and I gasp. Is he doing what I think he’s doing?

  “What?” I squeak.

  My body trembles as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a black velvet box.

  “You are the love of my life. You’ve seen me at rock bottom and didn’t run screaming for the hills. I can’t picture my future without you, and I never want to. You’re my other half, and I want to officially start a new life together with you as my wife. Quinn Fleming, will you marry me?”

  “Yes! Oh my God, yes.” I laugh as the tears roll down my face. He opens the velvet case, and the massive kite diamond makes me gasp. The thing has to be at least two karats, and the band looks like platinum. I forget how well off Ollie is. He slips the ring on my finger, and I throw myself into his arms as he stands.

  “I love you,” I repeat the words as I pepper his face with kisses. His lips capture mine and I give myself over to him. Happiness fills every inch of my body. We’ve come full circle. The darkness has receded, and we’re moving forward in love and light.

  He frames my face. “Sassy, I want a family with you. I want a little boy or girl that’s part you and part me. I’m not going to lie ... I’m scared out of my mind, but I want to see our love manifested more than the fear. I know you want this. You’re meant to be a mother, and you’ve waited on me. It’s time. I want to try.”

  His words are a gift I’ll cherish forever. I know how much it took for him to say this.

  “I love you, Ollie.”

  “I love you, too, Quinn. Now let’s get food in your belly, so I can work on putting something else in there.”

  The cheesy line makes me laugh and shiver at the same time.

  “Sit, and let me be a gentleman.” He pulls out my chair, and I sink into it and watch as he fills my plate. This man is my heartbeat. We’ve weathered every storm that’s blown into our lives, and become a stronger couple for it. I hold my hand up to the light marveling at the sparkle.