Troy thinned his lips, flushing slightly, but he didn't try to remove his hand from mine, he just stared at me as if trying to read me all the way to my last page. So it was a surprise when he said with a sigh, "I'm damaged goods, Adam. It's not normal that you frighten me on occasion or that I have such a low opinion of myself that I can't really accept it that someone might be attracted to me. I like you. What I know of you, in any case. But I can't help it feel as if you're seeing someone else and not the real me."
"Maybe I am," I forced, still not willing to give up. "But I do want to get to know you. Will you at least give that a chance? Maybe I'm not the right guy for you or the other way around, but I'm willing to do my best and find out. I'm getting old, and when the forties are knocking on your door you don't feel as if you can just let a good opportunity pass. So, will you go out with me?"
His gaze kept skipping from my left eye to the right, as if he was digging for honesty and he probably found what he was looking for because in barely a whisper, Troy said, "Yes."
My expression must have been something else, because Troy started laughing in a way I'd never heard him do before. It was joyous, open, and relaxed. It was exactly as I wanted him to be with me.
"Here." I thrust my cell phone in his hand before he could change his mind, "Give me your number, and we'll set up something."
Troy was still smiling as he tapped away on my phone when he noticed the hour and stood up. "Shit. I'm past my lunch break. I can't believe I didn't check the time. Shit."
He started picking up his things, pens, book and bag before he froze and looked up, finding me still there. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry, but I really have to go. It's nothing you did, I swear. I'm just so very late. Shit."
He looked at me apologetically, and I had to laugh before reassuring him. "It's all right. I still have to go change and shower at home before work, so it's a good time to part ways. I'll text you or call you in the next few days, and we'll have more time then."
He nodded almost frantically, then moved as if to hug me only to step back once again and give me an awkward little wave instead. Before I could even chuckle he was out the door and rushing across the road.
The day ended up being much better than I could have hoped for and I was already planning what the two of us could do together for our first date. Life was looking up.
Chapter Five
Troy
It'd been a few days since Adam and I had met in the café, and I was buzzing with nerves, almost convincing myself that he just wouldn't call. I sat in my favorite armchair in front of the TV, holding a cup of hot chocolate and trying to enjoy my late evening while considering heading to bed.
The feeling of uncertainty painted everything both his willingness to spend time with me as well as his obvious infatuation. Was the decision to give him a chance the right one? How could it be when I was so damaged and insecure? If nothing else, I was at least aware of my flaws. I snorted and then startled as my phone rang, almost dropping my cup.
I reached for it with the cup in my hand then thought better of it and placed the hot chocolate on the table before taking my phone with a shaking hand.
I didn’t know the number, but I figured it was Adam calling. It was too late to be work related and just about the right time for Adam to set up our date. I shook my head in disbelief just thinking about it before taking one last deep breath and answering the phone.
"Hello," I said hesitantly.
"Hello, Troy? Is that you?" Sounded a voice not as confident as I'd come to expect from Adam.
"Yeah, it's me. I was wondering when you would call," I added, leaning back in my chair.
I could hear a whoosh of air over the line before Adam chuckled softly. "I was busy, and it took a bit of courage, I admit. Are you free Saturday?"
It wasn't like I had a booming social life. "Sure. What time?"
"Meet me at six in front of Regal and we'll catch a show. Maybe after, we could go to dinner, too," Adam said.
"That works. I guess I'll see you there." On the other hand, my knee was jiggling as if I was waiting for the end of the world, and I found it commendable how I could still keep my voice steady despite the turmoil inside. It must have come from the years of pretending how assholes' opinions didn't affect me.
"Great. We'll have fun. Sweet dreams," Adam whispered before hanging up. I held the phone for a while still, too terrified and excited about what I'd just gotten myself into.
*~*~*
Despite most of my clothes looking the same, I did my best to appear composed, confident, and passable in good company. Without a pair of jeans in my closet, I decided on black slacks and a light gray sweater with matching penny loafers. I threw on my wool trench jacket and stood there for a few minutes debating if I should take the scarf or not. It wasn't that cold but I had on a v-cut sweater and my neck was exposed. A cab honking for me outside the building decided for me, and I rushed outside, barely remembering to lock the door.
I was almost trembling in anticipation by the time I reached the theater and I know I over tipped the cab driver, but my mind was already on Adam. I looked around for him but didn't see him anywhere. It wasn't like there were a lot of people out front so he must have been late. I checked my watch only to realize I was five minutes late. He should have been there.
I passed a guy waiting in the front, intending to go inside in case Adam was waiting there when the man started laughing. I glanced around and he was obviously laughing at me so I took a better look at him. He was somewhat familiar but I couldn't place him anywhere. Just around the eyes: warmth and mischief and something else. At least I knew he wasn't one of the kids who used to bully me. Just that had me relaxing a fraction as I tilted my head and waited for an explanation.
"You seriously don't recognize me?" the guy asked, and I did know his voice, but the face… And that was when it came to me. He'd shaved off his beard and his hair and dear God.
I must have gaped at him for a long while because eventually he reached and pushed my chin up, closing my mouth.
"I didn't think it would be this much of a surprise," Adam said, somewhat subdued. I thought he looked really great with the unkempt beard and hair. But with all of it baby smooth he looked ten years younger and five pounds lighter. He had a really pretty face, strong jaw and high cheekbones, but God, his eyes made me want to cuddle with him now all the danger I'd associated with his beard was gone.
He had on boots of some kind, black fitted jeans and a white untucked shirt. Only the leather jacket reassured me that this was still Adam. God, he seriously shaved it all off. I reached, wanting to touch, before I came to my senses and realized we were in public and I wasn't yet on touching terms with Adam. Plus, that would have been so horribly rude. I fought my blush. He was fucking gorgeous and before I could blink all my ugly doubts came back to surface.
"Do you still want to do this?" Adam asked, and I realized he looked uncomfortable, and who knows what he was even thinking with me so blatantly staring at him for so long.
"Yes. Of course. I'm sorry, you just surprised me. Shit, I'm still surprised. It's all gone." I vaguely circled my palm in front of his head, hardly able to look away.
"Believe it or not, I wanted to look nice for tonight. I don't normally care if I have a beard or not, and don't shave regularly. So it tends to be either really long or naked as it is now. Overgrown in winter to keep me warm." He smoothed his hand over his bald head self-consciously even as he chuckled.
"You look good. Younger," I whispered, still dying to touch him but holding myself back.
"Oh. That's good. Do you want to go in?" Adam gestured toward the entrance and I moved first, stumbling over thin air and badly enough Adam had to catch me before I kissed the ground.
"I'm sorry. I'm not usually this clumsy," I apologized, ducking my head in the attempt to hide my face.
"That's perfectly fine," I heard him say and then I was in line, looking at the board, trying to pick out a movie.
"
Do you want to watch something in particular?" I asked, avoiding his gaze.
"I was thinking that new superhero movie," he said before resting his hand at the small of my back. I startled but leaned back into it before Adam could react and pull his hand away.
"That's fine. How about soda and popcorn?" I leaned toward him.
"Order large," he said next to my ear, making me shiver.
I did as I was told and soon had my hands full while Adam did his best to lighten the load. As all awkward things happen, I managed my mishap in a half full hall with the lights still on. Adam was going first, trying to reach our seats when he suddenly stopped and I slammed into his back, spilling half of the popcorn box over him and the surrounding people. Some kids in the back laughed and other people frowned at me, but Adam just shrugged and turned enough to take my free hand and pull me forward with him again.
Mortified, I ducked my head as far as it could go and followed Adam to our seats.
"You all right?" He tilted his head toward me and asked, eyes filled with concern.
"Yeah. I'm good. I'm sorry about the popcorn." I slid down in my seat.
"Don't worry about it. We have one more full box. We won't go hungry." Adam had a pretty smile.
The movie started. I paid some attention to it, but mostly I looked at the way light reflected off Adam's smooth skin, how his lips twisted at the funny lines and the way his big hand fitted around mine between our seats. It seemed so easy to like him, to possibly fall in love with him. Adam could become the center of my world before I even realized what was happening to me, and I wasn't sure I could allow that. I wanted love, family, some company in the lonely nights who would be my other half and cherish me. But what would happen when he realized how much trouble I could be, or how unworthy I was of him in the first place? I would end up already head over heels while Adam would be ready to dump me. I didn't think I could handle that.
"Did you enjoy the movie?" Adam asked and I startled as the lights suddenly turned on around us. In an unconscious move, I squeezed the mostly full cup of soda, spilling the contents between the seats and over Adam's white sleeve.
He moved away as quickly as he could, but the liquid still stained his shirt and I was still a fucking klutz. "I'm so sorry. Here's a tissue; maybe it'll help. I apologize. I was just so startled," I babbled on trying to wipe off as much as I could.
"Troy, calm down. I'm not gonna die because of one shirt. We're good." But there was no smile on his face despite his reassuring words, and in a split second I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't just pretend that we were heading anywhere with this, that I could ever be the right guy for him or that this date wasn't a complete fucking disaster.
"I'm so sorry. I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry for this whole night. You won't have to see me again. I'm so, so sorry." I rushed through my words and was already in my jacket by the time Adam even realized what was happening.
People had cleared out while we were wiping away at his shirt and I took the chance to disappear in the front of Regal and catch a cab home.
I threw my phone on the table, not wanting to have anything to do with it for the foreseeable future and I headed right to the bathroom where I undressed and cried under the shower. I wasn't made for dating. Freak, Helen, ugly, stupid, zit face… The names spun over and over in my head until I took a sleeping pill and buried myself under the covers.
"What do you have there, Helen? Are those tits?" Billy came behind me where I was left picking up balls after Gym class. I almost tripped as he startled me, but instead of falling he pulled me against his back and pinched my nipples until I cried out.
I struggled as best as I could, my heart beating like crazy, but he was stronger and until he pushed me down to the floor I could barely move out of his grip.
"We haven't seen you naked in a while. We should fix that." He grinned at me evilly and I did my best to push away from him with my feet until I was far enough away to stand up. But Billy was fast. Big and coordinated, a captain of the basketball team and no one was willing to touch him. The school needed him and the rest, if they weren't his friends, were scared of him.
Before I had the chance to run he was on me again, pulling my shirt off me and tripping me in place until I was down again. There was no one around at this hour. The rest of the class had probably showered and the teacher was gone as soon as the class ended. It didn't help any that it was our last period. But I honestly even doubted someone would help me if they did find us. Students certainly wouldn't.
"Come now, Helen. You know it won't do you any good. Stop being difficult," Billy hissed as I hit his shoulder with my foot. But then he gripped my ankle and took off my shoe and before I knew it he had me naked save my underwear.
"There. That wasn't so difficult. Was it?" He was still grinning at me. Almost as though explaining it made what he did better. As if it made it all right, acceptable. I was close to tears, but I would never give him the satisfaction.
"Now you know what you have to do." He slapped my thigh and gestured toward the back entrance.
The worst thing was that they were smart about it. They took opportunities where teachers couldn't catch them and this was an already tried out prank.
Gathering my courage even as I was crab red I pushed the door open and got outside the gym. The crowd was already there, leering.
"Feeling chilled, Helen?" someone asked and was interrupted by a different voice, "Look at her perky nipples. She's turned on!"
I did my best to block out the sound as I ran through them to the second entrance into the school. Billy liked to block the inside door to the locker room and throw me outside to face the crowd while I circled the whole gym to get to the other entrance and my locker for some clothes. Of course the crowd followed me all the way there.
"You know she jerks off to this at home. We're really doing her a favor."
"Yeah, it's not like anyone would want to touch that."
"It will die a virgin."
"Helen is stupid. She'll believe the first guy who tells her he loves her." Another voice stretched the word love in mockery.
"A whore before she leaves high school," someone said and they all laughed right as I ran into the locker room.
Billy was already gone and I leaned against my locker, knowing none of them would enter. They had weird limits but sometimes I was grateful for them. Still, it was little comfort as I let a tear slip and I slammed my hand against the flimsy metal, pissed off at the world, before I unlocked my locker and pulled on my clothes as fast as I could. I still needed to sneak out of the school before I ended up in the dumpster or tied to the goal post. There was plenty of time to cry at home.
Chapter Six
Adam
"Did you try calling him?" Hayley asked. It was two days after that awkward date.
"Of course I did. I must have called him twenty times and left half as many messages. He's just not answering or calling me back." I was sitting on the floor of the back office room of the shop, frustrated, hurt, and disappointed. I wanted to turn back time and fix things. Only I didn't even know what I'd done wrong in the first place.
"Wow, you've made that bad of an impression?" She whistled.
"It's not funny. I have no idea what I did wrong. He's just not answering his damn phone. It's like we're at the very beginning again and he's ignoring me just because I don't fit the mold." I hit my head against the wall.
"I don't know what to tell you, brother. It's not like I've ever been in a situation like that, besides, Troy seems like a really messed up guy and I honestly have no idea what you even see in him." Hayley huffed, and I could hear she was smoking again by the way she exhaled.
"You're at it again? Damn it Hayley! You promised you would quit for good." I pushed off the wall and hugged my knees.
"Calm down. It's just one smoke. It's hard to just go cold turkey. This is the first one I've had in two weeks. Give me a break." I could tell just by the sound of her voice there was no budging her so
I tapped my forehead against my knee from utter helplessness. I couldn't do anything about her habit, I couldn't make Troy answer his phone and there was no fucking way for me to leave my past in the past and just accept the cards I'd been given.
"Just don't take it up again. I don't think either the boys or me could handle something happening to you," I pleaded, my voice muffled by my jeans. It might not have been a drug habit, but I was cancer scared enough to keep pressuring her into quitting.
"I already promised, didn't I? I'll do my best to quit for good. And you take care of yourself. Forget about that boy and find someone worthy of you. You're too fucking old to pine for someone who doesn't want you."
He words stung enough that I looked up even knowing I would see nothing but the door in front of me. "Who're you calling old, you bitch?" I protested.
"Touchy. That's what you get when you can just about spit to forty." She laughed at me and hung up.
Huffing I stood up and cracked my spine, rearranging my bones after the awkward position. It was time to get back to work and if I was lucky I would forget about Troy for a few hours.
*~*~*
At what was almost closing time, a voice startled me enough I felt the cold sweat pebbling on my skin. I moved away from the client in fear that I'd messed up the tattoo. Seeing that everything looked all right I turned around and saw Gabriel behind me looking sheepish.
"Sorry, man. I thought you heard me and Jill talking." He lifted his hand to the back of his neck and rubbed self-consciously.
"Yeah, I didn't. Try and avoid it in the future," I mumbled, thinking about the tattoo when it occurred to me that G might know a thing or two about Troy. "Hey, G," I called since he was already halfway to the front of the parlor.
"Yeah?" He turned looking at me.
"Could you stay for maybe twenty minutes until I'm done? I'd like to talk to you."
"Sure. I'll just hang out in the front and you can come get me." I nodded while he turned and walked away.
Good Together Page 4
