Cruel Abandon
Page 23
Sky
I stand on the edge of the forest behind my house, young and terrified.
This time, Liam is away. A football game, I think, or practice. My parents are working.
I don’t know why it scares me.
I’ve been seeing Dr. Penn for almost eight months, and we don’t have a direction. Our conversations linger between the nightmares and Liam, school and my friends. I joined the cheerleading team, and if I hadn’t thrown up violently just an hour ago, I’d still be there.
My uniform is stuck to my skin by cold sweat.
This is a fear I need to face.
But I can’t make myself move.
“Hey,” someone calls.
I turn around, and Riley Appleton is there. Amelie’s pet project, a girl who seems sadder than me half the time. She doesn’t hide it nearly as well.
“How’d you find me?” I ask.
“Noah and I were at the game. I saw you slip out the side entrance.” She scratches at her arm. “I followed you. Sorry.”
I shrug. We’re not friends, beyond a few parties. Eli seemed to have developed a keen interest in her—in fact, they spent seven minutes in heaven at the last one.
See? I’m a normal high schooler. I joined the cheerleaders, I wear the cute little uniform. Sit with the popular girls at lunch and in classes, laugh at girls the queen bees deem lesser. In another life, that would be me.
“What are you doing?” Riley asks. “I just ask because it seems like you were on the verge of doing something monumental, but maybe terrifying? And I can’t help but think I ruined it by saying hello.”
I roll my eyes, even though she’s right. But this me, the version I created to survive, doesn’t like heavy things. And the complex PTSD, the therapy, the forest… those are too heavy.
“No, I just thought I saw something. A fox, maybe.” I force myself to move away from the edge of the woods, back toward my house. “Want to watch TV or something?”
Sixteen and stubborn and drunk. I hold out my car keys to Jake, but it isn’t him who takes them. Liam spares me a single glance, then orders me and his brother into the car.
We get in slowly, our limbs not working right.
Jake takes the back seat, I choose the front.
Liam looks me over, his attention lingering on my chest.
I tap my forehead. “Eyes up here, asshole.”
He laughs. It’s the first time in too long that I’ve heard it, and it bursts out of him. He couldn’t have stopped it if he tried.
“You ever think about the past?” he asks me.
I raise my eyebrow. “I’m not big into history.”
“He means your past,” Jake says. “And he shouldn’t be asking.”
Liam starts the car and navigates down the long driveway. One of his teammates always throws the best parties, with the best booze. Very rarely did Jake and I ever travel together, even though he frequented some of the same parties. Stone Ridge High kids had their own parties, bonfires in the woods, on the beach of their little lake. The only reason we’d go there is if the guys wanted to fight, and that never ended well.
Jake got a free pass, though, because of his brother.
I had been with Amelie, Jackie, Savannah… all the girls I thought I was friends with. But there had been yelling, and someone yanked my hair. They called me a whore.
I exhale slowly. I should be crying at this, but I’m not. We’re halfway home when Jake falls asleep, his breathing turning more into soft snores.
Liam’s hand is on the gear shift between us, and… well, I’m drunk. I let my hand fall on top of his. A surge goes through me at the contact, shocking me awake. I almost withdraw, too, but then he flips his hand over and threads his fingers with mine.
He holds my hand all the way home, not looking at me.
And then we don’t speak again. Not until I see him at Howl a year and a half later.
There’s a boy who sees Dr. Penn after me. He’s short and scrawny, and he never takes his attention from the floor. If I can rely on anything, it’s the steady way he watches his feet, and his timing. He’s always there when we emerge from her office, tapping his finger on his knee.
Until one day, he isn’t.
Dr. Penn puts her hand on my shoulder. “Some people are beyond saving, Skylar. Although I always try.”
I wonder if that’s me: the stone she’s trying to squeeze blood from. To see if there’s any life in me. Is her trying a form of punishment for her? A purgatory for past misconduct? Karma?
The boy’s picture was in the obituary two days later.
A sinkhole opens up beneath my feet, and I fall through it.
I don’t stop.
Darkness surrounds me, then specks of light.
The midnight sky, painted with color inside the black abyss.
I fall through it all, until the wind is snatched from my lungs and my limbs cannot move. I’m tied down, something in my mouth, and all I can taste is the acidic smoke that lingers on the cloth against my tongue. All I can see is the stars shining so brightly above me.
“Please wake up,” someone begs.
I can no longer tell if I’m dreaming or awake.
36
Sky
“Please wake up.”
My eyes snap open, and I shudder.
Mom.
In my room, pressing down on my shoulders.
I’m awake, but terror floods through me.
I open my mouth and scream. Mom releases me, but I can’t stop.
Seconds later, or maybe minutes, my door flies open, crashing against the wall.
“Sky.” His voice comes through a wind tunnel. “You’re okay.”
I lock eyes with Liam, and I automatically relax. My mind runs in frantic circles, from the memory-like dreams to reality, to the boxes I’ve kept locked in the back of my mind. They’re losing their structure, no more than a pile of cardboard and foam. Everything is flimsy.
He leans down and kisses my forehead. I throw my arms around his shoulders and practically crawl into his lap.
“This was a mistake,” Mom says. “You…”
Liam stiffens. He holds me tightly.
“We’re going back to Boston today.” His voice is firm.
The doorbell rings, and I flinch. Mom backs out of the room and goes to answer it.
Liam strokes my hair. “You with me?”
I force myself to open my eyes and take a deep breath. “Yes. I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
Because I’m a train wreck? Because I can’t stop waking up screaming?
“It’s this house,” he says. “It’s the forest and being back here…”
I nod along to his words. “It must be a good thing that she’s selling it.”
My room was never quite the safe haven it should’ve been. Here, the trauma found me in my sleep and left me cold. It lingers in the walls, in the mattress, and only comes out when my guard drops. That must be it.
He shifts me off him and stands, then grabs my bag. He tosses it on the bed and motions for me to pack.
“Oh, you mean you want to leave now…”
He grins. “The sooner we get back, the sooner I can touch you again. Without fear of your mother hearing your good screams.”
My face heats. “Oh my god.”
It was only last night that we had sex. We laid together for a short while, but then… well, our time came to an end as all things do. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom after he left, surprised at the amount of blood. It shouldn’t be that much, right?
Now, I stand and realize my whole body feels a new kind of soreness. Muscles I didn’t realize I had have woken up.
“Liam,” my mother calls. “Can you come down here?”
I smirk. “She doesn’t trust you alone with me.”
He rolls his eyes. “Can you blame her? I’m a savage.” To prove his point, he wraps his hand around the back of my neck and hauls me closer. He kisses me roughly, then pulls away.
Someone comes up the stairs. I can’t tell if it’s Liam or my mom, but I’d bet on the former. “What did she want?” I ask.
“Some troublemakers showed up at your door.”
I wheel around.
Riley leans against the doorframe, grinning at me.
I launch myself at her.
“Whoa.” Still, she hugs me back, and we rock back and forth for a moment. “That’s a nice welcome.”
“I was just surprised.” God, I can’t stop smiling. “What are you doing here?”
Riley and I were close in high school, but we didn’t talk as much as I liked once we both graduated. My fault, probably, but maybe a little bit of hers, too. She was dealing with a lot of shit with her parents and Eli.
But it’s good to see her.
“Liam called Caleb yesterday and basically sounded the alarm. He figured you might need support or something.” She frowns. “Margo is downstairs with the guys, but I told her I wanted a minute alone with you.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Riley Appleton, are you trying to have your way with me?”
She giggles and takes my hand, pulling me to my bed. My comment doesn’t distract her as long as I hope. We both sit, angled toward each other. Slowly, the happiness drops from her face.
“Are you okay?” she asks me.
I pause, brows lowering. “What? Yes, of course.”
“I—”
“There you are,” Liam says, skidding into the room. Like my initial reaction, he’s all smiles.
But then he sees my expression.
“What did you say to her?” he demands of Riley.
She stands, scowling at him. “Nothing.”
I rub my eyes. “Can you give us a moment, Liam?”
His eyebrows lift, but then he nods.
I get what he’s feeling, I do. He’s been fighting the urge to be protective for years, and now that he’s suddenly allowed, it’s like an all-out sprint of emotions. Okay, maybe I don’t fully understand it: not the emotional side of things. But the ability to read him has been coming back to me, to take everything in with just a glance at his body language.
He was happy, and now he’s tense.
“Go be with your friends,” I urge.
Riley and I wait in silence for his footsteps on the creaking stairs. My friend eventually sits back down.
I blow out a breath. “Not fine,” I say without preamble. “My life is a mess. I need to figure out my past, you know? I just…”
Riley takes my hands. “Maybe Margo is the right person to talk to. Her and Caleb went through some shit as kids, but they both made it out on the other side.”
I frown at my fingers. “My trauma didn’t include Liam, though. Not that I know of. He… he was there after. He found me.”
She leans in. “Found you?”
“I keep having these nightmares of running through the woods, hitting a tree, falling. Liam finds me and shouts for help. And there are other things, too, but not how I remember them.”
She nods, squinting, then retrieves her phone. “Hold on.”
A minute later, my door cracks open, and Margo Wolfe—well, now Margo Asher—slips inside. She was the girl the popular crowd never saw coming. I don’t think Caleb could’ve known what he was in for when he set eyes on her, either.
“Hi,” I murmur.
“Hey. Do you mind if I sit?” She gestures to my desk chair and waits for my okay before sinking into it. “So, what’s up?”
I shift, suddenly dry-mouthed. “I…”
“Nightmares,” Riley supplies. “And you said you’re remembering things differently?”
I swallow. “Yeah, just little things. Like, there was a party our junior year, and Amelie had left me. I got a ride back with Jake and Liam.”
“Which part doesn’t match up to your memory?” Margo asks.
“My courage.” I rub my eyes again. “Oh god, here we go. I dreamt that I held Liam’s hand on the way back.”
Margo hums. “Maybe you did, and you wrote it off as impossible after the fact.”
“There are worse dreams to have,” Riley says.
I shudder. “Nightmares of running through a forest, bloody and my wrists tied, you mean?”
“You remember that?” Margo now, staring at me. “What happened to you?”
Riley is contemplative. “That one time I came over… before I joined the cheerleading team.”
I nod once. “At the edge of the woods, I was gathering my courage to go in.”
“You’ve been pressing toward remembering for years,” she responds.
“No, I haven’t.” I hang my head. “I’ve been hiding from it.” Time for the truth. “I wanted to know, and then I realized I didn’t. It was better for me if I could just pretend I was normal. If nothing bad had happened to me. And the month or so that I had lost—I guess it was more like forty-five days—just… faded away. It couldn’t hurt me if I didn’t let it.”
Margo reaches over and takes my hand. “But it’s hurting you now.”
“Yes.”
She squeezes my fingers. “I didn’t want to remember what had happened as a child. All I could hold on to was the vision of the police leading my father away, and I… I hated it. But it all came out eventually: his fight with my mother, her plot with Caleb’s mom, his dad’s death. I faced my fears. Faced my father, even though he was the one who left me in the first place.” She smiles, but… it’s sad.
I don’t know how she can look so poised and happy and heartbroken at the same time.
Happy and heartbroken don’t go hand in hand.
Except, maybe it’s me breaking her heart, just this moment. Not her entire life, not even her whole day. Just here and now, she’s feeling for me.
Why don’t I ever feel for me?
“The truth is in reach,” I say. “I could look it up. One of the guys at school said as much… but I’m terrified.”
“I’m pregnant,” Margo whispers. “Sorry, I don’t mean to steal the spotlight. I’m just trying to say that I’m scared, too. You’re not alone.”
“I’d rather focus on this,” I say.
Riley’s mouth drops open. “Excuse me?”
Margo winces. “I just found out last night. I haven’t told Caleb. I mean, I will, but I’m also scared we’re going to be awful parents. We didn’t have good role models growing up—we didn’t really have any role models to speak of. So we could have a baby and ruin it.”
I laugh, then slap my hand over my mouth.
“Sorry,” I say through my fingers. “I just… I don’t know how you can think that. You guys love each other, right? Like, all-encompassing? I’ve heard it’s even more potent when you have a child. You’re going to be great.”
Her features soften. “Thank you, Skylar. I appreciate your vote of confidence.”
Riley snickers. “I’m pretty sure pregnant women are hornier, too.”
I press my lips together. Now’s not the time to blurt out that I lost my virginity last night. Nope. Definitely not— “Liam and I had sex last night. For the first time. Um, ever.”
Riley’s eyes widen. “Wow. Not on this bed, I hope.”
I shake my head, letting out a relieved chuckle. “Upstairs.”
“How was it?”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “Well, I have nothing to compare it to.”
Riley bounces a bit. “Oh, that’s so exciting! Did he get the job done?”
Margo bursts out laughing. “If he didn’t, you need to let us know right now so we can go straighten him out.”
“Yeah, we’re… good.” My face is on fire right now.
Who knew having girlfriends could be so embarrassing?
Or maybe it’s just because I’m new to this whole friend thing. Even in high school, hanging out with
Riley and Parker, we didn’t dive into deeper topics. Why would we, with everything else going on?
“So it’s serious, then?” Margo contemplates me. “I know you’ve known Liam a lot longer than I have, so just take this with a grain of salt. He means a lot to Caleb. And I know you mean a lot to Riley, too. For your friendship.”
I nod.
“I hope you two can find happiness.” She smiles, then stands. “I think they boys have had their time alone long enough. Let’s join them.”
“I’ll be down soon,” I say.
They leave, closing the door behind them, and I hurriedly shove the rest of my things into my bag. On a last-minute whim, I slide one of my journals in along with my belongings. Just in case.
Then… well, there’s nothing left to do except face the music.
I head downstairs. Riley, Margo, and Caleb are on the couch. Eli perches on the armrest right above Riley. Theo occupies one of the chairs, Liam in the other.
Liam stands and grins at me, motioning me closer. “Did you enjoy your girl talk?” he whispers.
I press my lips together. I confessed we had sex and then Margo told us she was pregnant—I’m not sure if it was strictly enjoyable, but it was memorable. And maybe a bit trusting on both my end and Margo’s.
He kisses my forehead. “You seem… shell-shocked.”
“I am.”
Liam pulls me farther into the room, sitting on the chair and guiding me to his lap.
I don’t think my face can get any hotter.
“So, Skylar’s managed to bewitch you, huh?” Eli asks. “About damn time.”
I roll my eyes. “I didn’t do anything special.”
“She did.” Liam wraps his arm around my waist.
Maybe he can tell I’d rather escape back up to my room, or the car. Flee back to Boston. It doesn’t seem real. The sex, the protectiveness, the relationship aspect of this. We went from enemies to our current predicament way too fast.
Way, way too fast.
“Skylar?”
I blink, but my vision has tunneled. I don’t know who spoke.
Run.
I shove off Liam and bolt.