Coldness brushes against my now exposed flesh and he touches me.
“Kathrine,” Mama says, causing my eyes to jump to her. My muscles relax and I realize I’m hugging myself. A shiver runs down my spine and I shake off the horrific memory.
Jesus. Fuck.
After he took me, I gave up looking for her. I closed off my heart and my mind. I hid inside myself and let him have the shell I occupied.
He could touch my body, and I would put up a fight every time, making sure he knew I was there just as much as I knew he was.
But he would never touch my soul.
“I’ve got to get out of here,” I say. I grab my keys from my pocket in a rush.
“Where are you going?” she asks me. I ignore her and open my car door just as she says, “I was planning on coming back for you.” I freeze and tighten my grip on the doorframe. I turn to look at the woman who brought me into this world.
“And why didn’t you?” I ask, tilting my head.
Her eyes skim over nothing and she slightly shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
The feeling of being punched in the gut seems so real, I literally jerk back. Sadness rivers down my cheeks. Sleet twirls in the air, webbing with a colder truth.
She didn’t love me enough, and that’s all there is.
“Goodbye,” I say before getting into my car and starting it. I back out of the driveway and I don’t look in my rearview mirror as I head down the road, choking on tears and pure disgust.
Chapter Four
Bryce
Passing out from pure exhaustion last night, I woke later than I’d planned. The stupid binge I went on took a toll on me, reminding me that I’m not in my twenties anymore. I typed the address to the hotel K had written down on the counter for Claire before she left into my phone, but along the way, I knew where I was headed.
I’ve been here before.
I remember this hotel, the railroad tracks, and the rundown gas station that still doesn’t have up-to-date pumps.
She isn’t here, though, and she isn’t answering her phone. I’m backed into the parking space so I can see when she pulls up.
It’s painfully cold in this town, and it isn’t just from the winter storm. My eyes shoot across the street, and I gander at the small diner. My mind sends me back.
“Why is Mama slouched over like that?” Jace asks me as we walk back from the bathroom. The sun shines in his eyes, showing me flecks of gold in his blues. We have the same eyes, except his haven’t seen as much as mine. We’ve been gone all day looking for her. Apparently, Mama’s found a new place to get high. The guy she used to go to got busted. Dad had to ask around, and other drug users pointed him out this way. It’s a sad little town, with only a diner, gas station, and a hotel that looks kinda new. There’s a small strip of buildings, but most of them look empty and have bank signs in the windows.
“She’s sleepy, is all,” I tell him. “Don’t ask a lot of questions. You don’t always want to know the answers.”
He looks down at the brown tile. He’s more grown up than he looks, and I might as well be an adult. In our world you don’t get to be a kid. Not when your parents are too focused on other things.
“Okay,” he says. “But I don’t believe she’s just sleepy.”
I swallow the way that makes me feel. Jace shouldn’t have to see this crap. Mama is clearly high as a kite, and Dad is smiling because she’s leaning on him.
The battle of love and addiction is something I witness every day. They fight each other, but the same one always wins.
Addiction. She’s a selfish bitch.
And it’s a sick fight.
One that I’m tired of seeing.
I sigh as Jace slides back into the booth.
“Everything come out okay?” Dad asks before he puts a fork full of hash browns into his mouth.
“Yeah,” Jace says. “I thought I was going to go in my pants this time.”
Sadly, when our dad has finding her on his mind, he doesn’t listen to little boys who have to go to the bathroom. I asked him to pull over so Jace could go, but he kept saying, “We’re almost there. Just wait.” I would have been the one to have to clean Jace up, but they don’t give a shit about that.
Rage finds me like it does a lot of the time. I have no idea what to do with this anger inside of me. I don’t even know who I’m mad at. The woman who can’t open her eyes at the table in a restaurant or the man who’s smiling like his world is now complete because she’s beside him.
I pick up my fork and move the food around on my plate. I know I should eat this. Who knows what tonight will bring when she’s no longer high and he’s begging her to stay. I’ll look into their change jar when I get home. Maybe it won’t be empty and I can grab us a burger. If it is, then I’ll have to swipe something at the grocery store…again.
I nod, slightly glad that I’ve figured out our supper. And then I get pissed again, thinking, why is that my job? Why can’t they just be normal? I look across the table as Dad speaks to Jace. “I thought we could all go to the water park this summer. What do you think about that?”
“Oh, that sounds like so much fun,” Jace beams, his childlike face shining brightly. His teeth are uneven, and the front one is missing.
“Don’t do that,” I say.
Dad looks at me. “Do what?”
“Feed him lies.”
“Who’s feeding him lies? I thought it would be a nice thing for us to do as a family.”
“A family?” I drop my fork. “What family? You mean her, the drug addict, or you, the lovesick alcoholic?”
My face is hit so hard, I feel my teeth rattle and the sting immediately. I touch my flaming skin, and the need to run makes my legs jerk.
But I have Jace.
I can’t leave my kid brother with these two.
“You need to watch your mouth,” Dad says after looking around uneasily at the audience we now have.
I don’t say anything else, but I feel it when Jace touches my knee for only a moment.
We’re family, not these sorry shits across from us.
I twist my hands on the steering wheel before rubbing my shadow of a beard and sucking my teeth. The past isn’t easy to forget no matter how hard I try. I’ve always been torn when it comes to my mom and dad. I’ve low-key hated them, while at the same time loved them unconditionally.
Mom is still in the hospital. She’s still in a coma, and somewhere deep down, I’m glad I don’t have to worry about her on the streets or trying to use and going through that pain again.
She may die in that hospital bed and it may tear me up inside, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do to help her this time. She’s out of my hands now.
A white-blue blend of snow and ice is falling around me, making the road slick, but the afternoon sun peeks through the silver-lined clouds, showing off a kaleidoscope of dusty-blond rays.
I arrived here almost an hour ago. The damn front desk won’t tell me what room Kathrine is in, so I figured I’d sit and wait for her to come back, but there’s been no sign. I’m going crazy in this fucking dump of a place.
Why is she here?
What would make her stay in this town?
Why won’t she answer her fucking phone?
I look down at the black velvet box. I was going to give this to her, but my mom decided an overdose would be more entertaining. It’s a set of keys on a dirt bike keychain so she’ll always think of me.
I know she isn’t ready to move in, but I want her to know my doors are always open and the option will always be on the table. As far as I’m concerned, they’re her places, too.
Jesus Christ, I’ve acted like a fool. Guilt and sick worry tangle inside my chest and I exhale and shut my eyes as I lean my head back.
Where the fuck is she?
Chapter Five
Kathrine
My lungs plead for air as I drive away from that house and the horrible woman standing outside of it.
&n
bsp; I try to oblige, but the tears keep coming and I can’t control them. My mind is a web of pain and emotion. The memories rush in like a tsunami, knocking me on my ass and drowning me in unadulterated anguish.
I can’t shut it off.
I haven’t thought about everything that happened here in such a long time. I’ve placed it in the don’t think about folder and let it collect dust in the back of my filing cabinet.
“God, make it stop,” I say, hitting my hand on the wheel before pressing it to my forehead, crying profusely. Snot runs down my face and my vision is hazy. The snow feathers to the road and on my car. I flip my windshield wipers on and roll my window down, needing to feel the cold air against my heated face.
My stomach churns, and my skin crawls. The house is no longer in my rearview mirror, and that road is no longer under my tires.
I turn into the only bar in town and then park the car.
I need it to stop.
I need something to numb the pain and make my mind shut off. I take in a deep breath and flip my sun visor down. I’m a fucking wreck, but who gives a shit. I reach over and open the glove compartment. Grabbing a tissue, I blow my nose and wipe my face.
This disaster needs a drink.
The bar isn’t crowded when I walk in, but it’s not empty either. People play pool and someone is over by the jukebox slipping their coins in.
What bar still has one of those, anyway?
Heads turn my way, but I avert their eyes, thankful this place is dark, save for the lights above the tables.
I slide onto the barstool and a man with a large belly and a trucker’s hat walks up to me.
“What’ll ya have?” he asks, putting a napkin in front of me.
“Double shot of vodka and a beer.”
He raises a brow but doesn’t question me literally. I bring my hands to my head and slide my beanie off with one as I leave my forehead resting against my palm. My hands still quiver, and my thoughts run crazy.
My chest feels crushed, and my heart is unmotivated to keep going.
Years have not healed me.
They’ve only given me distance from the truth of my childhood.
Claire was right. My sweet best friend was right when she said ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It may help you dismiss it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
The house is there; the furniture inside still resides. The smell of whiskey and vomit still bleeds from the walls.
The sounds still echo through the halls, and the pain Saw and Bethany caused reflects in my actions.
I am who I am because of them.
I am closed-off and guarded.
I’m afraid and insecure.
I am untrusting, and I may come off as hard to like because I don’t make it easy for people to get to know me.
I push them away in hopes they’ll stay there.
What a sad existence. What a waste of life and time.
My glass is placed in front of me, and I quickly down its contents, chasing it with my beer.
Wincing, I say, “Another, please.” As I cough, he eyes me skeptically. “Look, guy, I’ve had a very shitty day. Just give me the drink. I promise I won’t barf on your floor.”
My eyes are swollen from too many tears, and my throat is starting to hurt. I don’t go out of my way to prove I won’t puke on this beer belly’s cement floor, but I say it gravelly enough that it sounds convincing.
He gives me the second drink and I lift it, staring at the clear liquid like it’s the answer to all my problems.
Is this how Mary feels when she does heroin?
Does she do it so she won’t remember all the bad shit she’s done in her life?
I wonder how she is, which makes me think of Bryce. I down the glass and close my eyes, granting tears to fall down my wind-chapped cheeks.
“You okay?”
I slowly turn my head with my palm still resting against my forehead.
I look at the man sitting beside me. Thick, brown hair, matching eyes, and a concerned expression.
“No.” I bring my beer to my lips and look in front of me. There’s a mirror, and it gifts me my reflection.
Jesus.
Like shit I look. I giggle at my Yoda attempt. Happy that I can feel the alcohol buzzing.
“Something funny to you?” the guy asks me. I look at him in the mirror.
“No, not really,” I reply, remembering that none of this is funny. None of it at all.
“Let me buy you another drink,” he says.
“I can buy my own drinks,” I say, unenthused.
“Damn.” He moves from the barstool. “Have it your way.”
I turn to him. “What other way do you think I should have it?” I ask mockingly. “You think I should have it your way? You think I should let you buy me a drink or two so you can get me drunk, possibly increasing your chances of fucking me in that shitty bathroom?” I roll my eyes and look back in front of me. “Fuck off.”
In the mirror I can see the guy give me an eat shit look before he walks away, mumbling, “Crazy bitch.”
I lift a finger at the bartender. “Another, please.”
Chapter Six
Bryce
Two hours have passed. Two hours! My mind replays the scene from yesterday. I told her I loved her. I’ve never told anyone outside of my family that, and she walked away from me.
She walked away.
And here I am sitting in my car, staring out the window waiting on her.
I don’t even know who I am anymore. What the fuck happened?
I look down at my arm, seeing the telltale sign of sticking a needle into my vein. The rush of pure warm bliss, the uncontrollable sickness that followed.
It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done some pretty dumb shit.
Growing up on Grant Ranch was like being released from prison to me.
I was given freedom.
But with freedom comes hard lessons.
I felt like I was finally able to be a teenager, and I took full advantage of it.
Pops gave me the option to make my own choices. He understood where I came from. He knew I was in charge of my brother, and he told me I didn’t have to carry that weight by myself anymore.
I didn’t have an easy time with that at first. Constantly, I worried about Jace. But as the weeks passed, I noticed something.
Jace was…happy. He was the happiest I’d ever seen him. Emily and Lee took us in instantly, easily.
And I’m not sure why, but it pissed me off.
I thought, why couldn’t our parents do this for us?
Why couldn’t they get right and be good for us?
I became confused and angry. Bitter about my past life and so focused in on it that I didn’t see what was happening before me.
Jace finally had the family he deserved. He finally got what I was trying to give him in that small apartment.
We both did.
But I lashed out. I hung with a wild crew. Some boys from the wrong side of the tracks that I related to, more so than the rich pucks I went to school with.
We did what wild teenagers do. We blew shit up, treated the girls we were with like they were nothing, and experimented with drugs and booze.
I’d come home so fucked up, I could hardly climb the stairs.
And Pops let me go through that.
He let me get it all out, until he’d finally had enough.
I’ve learned a lot from that man, even if he didn’t realize he was teaching me.
I think about my brother and how our relationship has been rocky.
Back then, I failed to put myself in his shoes. I didn’t consider how me coming home messed up must have looked to him. He saw that shit when we were growing up. He witnessed my parents’ disaster just like I did.
It didn’t matter to him that I was tired of being looked up to. It didn’t matter that I was just a kid myself. Jace only saw his big brother acting just like his parents. I left
him with Lee and Emily. I abandoned him physically and mentally.
I clocked out from my job as his caretaker and he hasn’t forgotten.
I sigh and roll my neck.
So much shit going on in our life it’s exhausting. If it’s not one issue it’s another.
Fucking life.
Where the hell is Kathrine? I toss my hat onto the dash and scrub down my face.
“You know what? Fuck this.” I grab my hat back from the dash and place it on my head as I take out the keys in the ignition.
I’m going to run out of gas sitting here like this.
I hop out into the freezing wind and snow, making my way to the office.
Where the hell could she be?
I don’t understand why she’s here in the first place.
Why she’s staying in this hotel.
Who does she know here?
You don’t come here for a getaway.
You come here for a purpose.
Opening the glass door, I’m attacked by smoldering heat from the portable heaters they have rotating around the room. There’s a loveseat under an AC unit and a table with magazines from the early 2000s.
Cracked tile below my feet tell me this place hasn’t had a remodel since it was built in the early ’90s and the brown water stain running down the wall confirms it.
The man behind the counter has brown skin and bright eyes. His smile is friendly, but he’s a serious motherfucker. I spent thirty minutes arguing with him when I first arrived.
“Sir, I already tell you, I cannot give you her room numba.”
I hold up my hands. “I know. But can you at least tell me how long she’s been gone? I’m worried. She isn’t answering her phone, and I’ve been here two hours myself.” I shove my hands into my pockets.
He sighs. “She left just before you arrive.”
“So she’s been gone for two hours?” I ask.
He nods.
I exhale and adjust my hat as I look out the small window inside the office, and then my eyes land on her car.
At the bar.
Holy shit.
“Thanks,” I say, darting out the door. I don’t have this same view from where my car is parked. She’s down the street at a goddamn bar, while I’m sitting here about to go Britney Spears and have a fucking meltdown.
Give Me Perfect Love (Give Me Series Book 2) Page 4
