Cowboy For Hire

by Victoria James

  “But that’s okay because even though I’ve met parents before, it’s really not important.”

  “Right. Those guys you dated.”

  She rolled her eyes. “We never came close to anything like the Highwayman experience.”

  That was just sad.

  “Oh, that’s pity in your eyes, isn’t it?”

  He ducked his head. “Guilty as charged. You’ve been missing out on life.”

  “You haven’t.” She said it matter-of-factly or maybe with a tinge of awe.

  “Let’s just say we’ve lived different lives.”

  “And I guess that means I’m the only one here who’s had no life. Or sex life. You seem to have mastered that area of life?”

  He choked on his Pellegrino. He was as far from virgin territory as the San Pellegrino was from Italy. “Of all the things you were going to say, that wasn’t one I’d bet on.”

  She shot him a smile. “Well, you’re very evasive. I’m just trying to get some insight into your life before…we met. I feel like you know everything about me and I know nothing about you.”

  That was true, and it wasn’t a coincidence. He shrugged. “I’ve never had a serious relationship with a woman because in my younger days, I had to work really hard to have a roof over my head, and now… I don’t know. I never saw a point in commitment or anything like that. I don’t let people in very easily. I don’t talk about my past. It’s nothing I’ve ever wanted to share. The women I’ve been with haven’t wanted that, either, so it was a mutual understanding.”

  She nodded like she understood, even though he caught that flash of disappointment, or maybe hurt, in her eyes. She smoothed her hand over the blanket. “So, just like, sex in a motel room like the Highwayman?”

  His stomach dropped. “It’s not the same thing. Those are two entirely different things.”

  She waved a hand. “No, no, I get it.”

  She didn’t get it. She wouldn’t get it because he didn’t even. He didn’t understand how he could feel more intimately connected to Sarah after a night in a dingy motel, fully clothed, with barely a kiss. “I don’t think you do. But…I haven’t been with anyone in a long time. And I’ve never done this. I’ve never talked to anyone other than Tyler, Tyler’s parents, and Dean for this long. I’ve never gone on a picnic. I’ve never taken a woman out more than once.”

  She tilted her head.

  “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want that,” he hurried to say. “I see what Ty and Lainey have and…I think…he has it all,” he said, his voice fading at the end as he stared into her eyes.

  He thought he’d known who he was. His entire life he’d been figuring it out, wanting to be more than that poor kid but never really believing it was possible.

  “They seem so happy,” she said, picking at the remains of the strawberries on her plate. “Were your parents happy together?”

  He stopped eating. Just thinking about his early years robbed him of his appetite. “No,” he said flatly.

  She stared at him expectantly, and he took a deep breath, trying to tell her what he never told anyone, even his closest friends, even when piss-drunk in their youth. He wanted to tell her all of it; so badly, he wanted to share it with her.

  “Uh, no,” he tried. “They weren’t really together for long.”

  She gave him a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry.”

  He shrugged and put the plate aside. He wasn’t good at sharing his past, but there were other things he was good at, and he’d rather concentrate on those. He leaned across the plates to place his hand at the nape of her neck.

  She met him halfway. “I don’t think you answered any of my questions. And the whole Lainey and Tyler angle was a really great way of getting out of answering my relationship questions.”

  “Who wants to talk about old relationships?”

  She shrugged. “It just says a lot about a person, I guess. It’s also how you build trust. You can’t go any further without trust.”

  “True. I’m not good at it, Sarah. It’s not personal; it’s just a fact,” he said, hoping that was enough.

  She searched his eyes, and he felt like she was waiting for something from him, looking for something in him, and he prayed like hell that he didn’t come up short. “Well, since I’m the blabbermouth, I can tell you all about my past relationships.”

  He smiled, pouring coffee for them. “Did I tell you that’s one of the things I really like about you, that you’re so honest? What were your relationships?”

  She groaned and pulled back, resting her palms down behind her, and he couldn’t help letting his gaze roam appreciatively over her, the way her shirt strained against her breasts, her small waist, and then back up to her eyes. But it was the look in them that was the biggest turn-on of his life. There was this sexual chemistry between them that he’d never experienced before, this want, this ache that filled him, and yet they’d barely done anything.

  She turned her head away from him for a moment, and he saw the shyness in her expression, in her needing to break his gaze. “So, yeah, my experiences were probably a little different from yours.”

  “Well, I’m anxious to hear,” he said with a smile, handing her a cup.

  “Thanks,” she said, taking it from him and adding a bit of creamer. “They were prearranged. You know, like, preapproved financing?”

  He bent his head and laughed. “That sounds bad. So your parents were the lenders?”

  She nodded, some of the sparkle back in her eyes. “Something like that. I shouldn’t be mean, I guess. The guys were…well, they meant well. They were nice.”

  Her voice hung on the word “nice” for a moment, but he didn’t say anything. He was waiting for more. Maybe he was slightly uneasy, thinking about these men her parents approved of, knowing he’d have never made the list.

  “They just had some pretty strong beliefs of how relationships were supposed to play out and how marriage and kids and all that would go.”

  “Seems like pretty intense conversation for a first date?”

  “Oh, none of them got to the relationship phase…or the kiss phase…or the anything phase,” she said with a laugh that sounded awkward. Then the laugh stopped and he realized what all of that meant. That their time together in that dingy motel room was the most intimacy she’d ever had. Even that kiss. That had been her first.

  He ran a hand over his jaw and tried to mask his shock. He didn’t want her to feel embarrassed, but hell…that was sad.

  He swallowed hard. He had known she wasn’t experienced, but he didn’t really think that anyone in their mid-twenties would have that little experience in the relationship…or kissing department. “Why not?”

  “I knew my parents were pretty traditional, and I mean, on the whole, I didn’t mind that—it’s not like I was dying to have any kind of…relationship with anyone. But I have my own ideas, too, and my own goals and ambitions, and I wanted more than to just be someone’s wife. I wanted to run this ranch, and there was no way in hell any of those guys would have been okay with that. So I would have been on the sidelines watching, not because I chose to but because that’s the way it would be with one of them. I want to be able to make my own choices.”

  “You don’t give yourself enough credit. With all the problems in your family, the fact that you could turn these guys down even though you knew it disappointed your parents… You should be proud of yourself.”

  She picked at some grass on the edge of the blanket. “Thanks. That’s the first time I’ve heard that or had someone get it. I have no regrets.”

  “And you shouldn’t. I wouldn’t ever want to be stuck living by someone else’s expectations or have to commit to the person I’m supposed to be with for the rest of my life because of anyone else.”

  “Exactly. My parents were pretty irritated with me, but I knew there was no
point in continuing any of those relationships. One date each was more than enough. By the fifth guy, I told them I was done.”

  “Five?” He shook his head. “That’s persistent. What’d they say about that?”

  She shrugged. “We argued a lot, but they sort of led their separate lives, and soon after, my dad had a heart attack and was gone before we knew it. In a way, he was gone as quickly as Josh.”

  “I’m sorry.” Much like when she’d told him about her brother, he had the urge to reach out and hold her or comfort her, but she took on that distance she had that night. It was a hands-off vibe that felt so unlike the person he thought she was. It almost reminded him of himself. They were so different but so alike in so many ways, and he wanted more for her. He didn’t want her to be like him. He didn’t want her to have the walls that he had. She needed more than that.

  Maybe he did, too.

  “It’s strange, because he’d changed into someone I didn’t know anymore,” she continued. “The father who raised Josh and me was happy, encouraging, and fun to be around. I mean, he was still pretty strict, but he was a different man. I lost everyone when Josh died—” She winced. “I’m sorry. It’s like every time we’re alone, I unload all my old baggage on you.”

  He cleared his throat past the lump that had formed there, that always seemed to be there when she talked about her brother. “Please. Keep going. You’re not unloading.”

  She hesitated. “I want more. I’ve always wanted more. I want the ranch,” she said quietly. “Josh and I had plans for that place. We were going to be partners; we were both going to have our families and build houses and all work together.”

  The longing and pain in her voice filled his chest. “I’m sorry.”

  She blinked a few times and gave him that brave smile he was coming to care about so much. “I can still keep my end of the deal. Thanks to you.”

  His chest swelled, but he shook his head. “It’s not thanks to me. You would have found your way, Sarah.”

  She gave him a teasing smile. “Ah, but then I wouldn’t have met all those escorts.”

  He gave a short laugh. “Well, I’m not going to argue with you there.”

  They lapsed into silence, picking at their food and drinks.

  Eventually, Sarah spoke. “Have you ever had perfection? Lived perfection?”

  She was perfection. But he couldn’t tell her that. He shook his head.

  “I have,” she continued. “I had it and I lost it and I became afraid to ever wish for it again, because I know it’s fleeting, that in one moment, it can all be taken away. So what’s the point of wanting something so good only for it to be ripped away?”

  His stomach turned because he knew she was talking about her brother and her childhood. He knew the scars it had left. But it was wrong for someone like her to keep hiding from life and dreams. “Because maybe even a short time of bliss is worth the heartache. Maybe this state of not really living, this half-baked attempt at life, will wear you down until you wake up one morning, eighty years old, and realize that you wasted your years alone and afraid, but hey, you still made it to eighty. You made it to eighty without a person to love, and maybe that’s a helluva lot worse than loving and losing.”

  None of this was stuff he dreamed he’d ever say to anyone, let alone a woman. Then again, had it been any woman but Sarah, this conversation wouldn’t have even happened. She made him think about things he tried to avoid on a daily basis. She would just throw these thoughts, these truths, out there and make him dig deep to really figure out what he believed.

  “I’m not sure I agree with you, but it’s a nice theory,” she said with a polite nod.

  He tried to hide his shock. “Really? I thought that was a damn fine convincing argument.”

  He was rewarded with a soft laugh that pleased him inexplicably. “It was. Except for the fact that there are no guarantees anyone makes it to eighty.”

  He shrugged. “I’d take ten amazing years with the right person over fifty years of sitting on the sidelines, afraid to live.”

  Her fear and hesitation were reflected in her eyes, but damn it if he didn’t want to be the one to take that look away forever.

  …

  “Are you happy?” Sarah asked, fighting the nervousness and leaning closer to him.

  The afternoon had been one of the best of her life. Sometimes when she was with Cade, she felt like she didn’t know herself, but now she was beginning to wonder if this was the real her, if being with him brought out the side of herself that she’d hidden away. She hadn’t shared her real feelings with anyone in so long, yet it came so easily to her when he was around. There was something about him that made her think that he would have her back, that he’d be strong enough to take whatever she threw at him. He hadn’t ever tried to shut her down or end their conversations about her family or her brother. He understood her dreams for the ranch when no one in her family besides Josh ever had.

  She looked into his aqua eyes, searching for the answer, desperately wanting him to say yes, that he was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. Lying on the picnic blanket, his hands linked behind his head, he managed to make the gorgeous landscape less interesting by comparison. One leg was drawn up, and he looked like the poster boy for the cowboy life.

  He turned from gazing up at the clouds to give his full attention to her. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat at the tenderness in his eyes, that sweetness that always took her by surprise, that was such a contrast to the hard man he presented to the world.

  This was her Cade. The one she saw, the one she was falling for.

  He reached out for her, his hand coming to rest at the nape of her neck again. “With you, here, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”

  Warmth seeped through her, and she leaned down to kiss him as though she’d been doing this for years. Her body pressed against his hard one, both his hands tangling in her hair, and all thoughts of Cade being sweet vanished. He kissed her with a passion that she understood, that was always lingering between them, one that made her forget reason, and one that left her hungry for more of him. But he rolled her off him gently, his hand still on her face. He looked at her with a mix of fire and tenderness. It almost made his rejection not hurt at all.

  “Why’d you stop?”

  He pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair. “For all the reasons we said before. Plus, you’re not the only one who can have morals.”

  “Hey, who said I needed to exercise those morals right now?” she asked, scrambling up.

  He let out a choked laugh. “Yeah, well, I’m not enough of an ass to not make promises and then just sleep with you. There are rules.”

  She wanted some kind of reassurance that he would be here tomorrow, or next month, or next year. Of course, he’d signed on to be here, but she wanted the promise that he’d be with her next month. That was ridiculous, of course, because what were they? What was this?

  He’d been on his own a long time—did he want to stay that way? In all the ways that Cade made her feel alive and free, he also made her feel safe. He gave her the freedom to reach for what she wanted, to not place limitations on her, yet his presence always made her feel like he’d be there to catch her. That had never happened to her before. Every person who’d loved her had stifled her or had left her alone.

  She had been buried so deep inside herself, so far under the blanket of grief, that she hadn’t wanted to reach for her voice. She’d craved silence, not empty, meaningless words. But nothing seemed meaningless with Cade. She was done being silent.

  “I think my parents would have liked you,” she said, touching his hand.

  He leaned his head back and stared at the clouds as the sky turned overcast. “I’m not so sure about that.”

  “No, they would have,” she said, frowning.

  “Maybe as a foreman, bu
t not as your boyfriend, not anything more than that. I didn’t have a family in the way that you did,” he said. Something about his demeanor changed. He was suddenly aloof, pulling away and standing.

  “I’m sorry,” she said softly.

  He shrugged. “I’m fine with it.”

  Everything about his posture and the stiffness in his voice told her that he wasn’t fine with it at all. It was also very clear he didn’t want to talk about this. “What was your family like then?”

  He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “I was a mistake. My parents weren’t the type to want kids or commitment or anything like that. They were alcoholics; they couldn’t hold down a job or make rent. It got to the point that I had to look after them in order to stay there or, uh, they’d send me out on the street. They eventually did get rid of me.

  “I was passed from one low-functioning relative to the other. My last stop was my grandparents. My grandmother died shortly after I came to live with them, and then it was just my grandfather. He, uh, he needed help, so I helped him as best I could. Spent almost ten years there. I’d attend school when I could, but most days he really needed me around. He died when I was fourteen. I slipped under the radar and just left town, and I’ve been on my own since then.”

  She knew that if she showed emotion or pity, he’d close off even further. His voice was choppy, his face rigid, and she wondered if he’d ever told anyone even these small details. Pride and defiance were stamped on his strong face, and she took a deep breath, searching for the right words, trying not to convey the ache in her heart.