Nobody's Hero

by Melanie Harvey

  Carolyn sighed and turned to Peter, whose mouth was opening.

  “Don’t,” she said. “You deserved that. Just go.”

  This time he did, and she shut the door and slid the lock. She turned around, about to thank Rick for just showing up and tell him why, but all the humor was gone from his face, in its place an accusation.

  Carolyn held up a hand. “Don’t even think about hanging a double standard around my neck.”

  He flinched. “Interesting place to hang it, but I already thought about it.”

  “What the hell happened to you?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Everything with you is a long story.”

  Rick exhaled slowly. “This one seem like it be dragging out forever.”

  * * *

  That was supposed to be a joke, but Carolyn didn’t laugh. She bit her lip.

  Rick shoved his hands in his pockets. “So what now?”

  “You tell me.” She crossed her arms under her breasts, gave him an annoyed look for watching.

  That wasn’t a good sign. “Do I gotta keep hollering across the room?”

  She took one step closer, so her bare feet hit the carpet.

  Rick sighed. “I didn’t mean any of that last night, that was — ”

  “I heard you.”

  He nodded. He wasn’t going to argue, but he didn’t know what to say.

  Don’t try to play me ’cause my heart ain’t quite as cold as it seems.

  Rick frowned at the music in his head. He hated that song. Carolyn was waiting, but he couldn’t even remember the damn question.

  He must have looked like it, she asked again. “Well, what now?”

  Yes, I cheated in my past, I was looking for better things.

  “That radio DJ that got fired?” he asked. “You remember any other names he mentioned?”

  She blinked. “I don’t … it was four years ago. Why?”

  He shrugged. “No reason.”

  She gave him an exasperated look, like he was changing the subject.

  Which he was. “Probably too long ago. Lennox. He ain’t bad. Not as good as me.” He caught a smirk for that. “This one song though, I wasn’t feeling it. You know how you said, somebody else plays something all the time, you don’t like it on principle?”

  She nodded. One of her hands shifted to her neck, a move he’d seen before.

  Can I resolve your fear / should I cut off my ear?

  “Kale loved it, why I heard it so much. ’Course, this a guy who walks into geometry class in ninth grade, spots Trisha and don’t talk about nothing else for two damn years. Straight.”

  Carolyn’s hand slipped down, off her throat.

  I wouldn’t do it / but you gotta know the thought was there.

  Rick caught some air. “She wouldn’t have nothing to do with him. She a year older, told him maybe if he grew up. Two years go by, and nothing. Plenty other girls who’d take him. He hardly even looked at ’em.”

  Carolyn’s eyes flicked to his neck; he felt the scratches sting again.

  I ain’t leaving I’m still here / I promise I can be the man that you hold dear.

  A double knock followed by a single louder one, and she jumped. Scared.

  Rick frowned. “That’s just Terrance.”

  She relaxed and opened the door. Terrance nodded at her then raised his eyebrows at Rick. “The airlines don’t run on CPT.”

  “I know that.” They didn’t run on white people’s time, either. “But why don’t you?”

  Terrance grinned, but it wasn’t that funny.

  “Give me one minute?”

  Terrance nodded as he left. He’d be timing it.

  Carolyn turned back, but she didn’t say anything. Hell. Rick started for the door, figuring he could at least open it himself when Terrance pounded again.

  “What was the song?”

  I’m Still Here. He shook his head. “When you going home?”

  “Um … Saturday.”

  Rick nodded. “You know I live around there.”

  She smiled, and it did the same thing to him it always did.

  “I’m supposed to hang out with Jesse Saturday.” Rick searched the golden eyes fixed on him. “You free on Sunday?”

  Her eyes sparked. “You think you’ll run into any more cats before Sunday?”

  It was almost funny how she sounded like Trisha. She was it, no second chances.

  Was a time when he thought Kale had lost his mind. “I’m thinking maybe I keep my distance. Everybody be happier that way.” The smile that spread across her face was the best one he’d seen so far. Rick lifted his eyebrows. “Psycho Pete calls? Tell him I said fuck off.”

  “My pleasure.”

  He didn’t want anything more than to stay, but she said, “Sunday?” so he nodded. Only three days, and he had a hell of a lot of work to do anyway. She moved to let him reach the door, and maybe because there was going to be a next time, it didn’t seem to bother him. As much.

  His hand was on the doorknob when she said, “Rick?”

  He spun around too fast to hold onto anything like dignity. Maybe next time.

  Carolyn didn’t seem to notice. “How’d he get her to go out with him?”

  By making his friends sick of hearing about her. One in particular. “He wrote her a poem.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Kale did?”

  He grinned. She already knew the answer. Not like before, coming up to the hotel yesterday. You asked if it’s about the cream …

  “Didn’t she get suspicious when he never wrote another one?”

  “Been a minute since he had any material for something like that.”

  Her eyes widened, and one of Zeus’s beats started replaying in his head. But all the gold I’ll ever need —

  He jammed his hand in his pocket for his pen.

  “What do you really want from me?” she asked.

  He tightened his grip on the plastic stick. “I don’t — ” He did know one thing. “I don’t want to leave.”

  Carolyn frowned. He should have thought about it longer.

  “So could you stay?”

  He froze. “With you?”

  She bit her lip and tightened her grip around her belly. “I’m not promising — ”

  “I didn’t mean it like that, I mean … well … I think I meant … shit.”

  She almost smiled. Then she took a deep breath. “I want to hear that long story.”

  Rick groaned. “It’s pretty boring.”

  “I guess it’ll keep till Sunday.”

  Nice one, Carolyn. “I gotta tell Terrance.”

  “I’ll wait.”

  He left the pen in his pocket. Thank you.

  “You’re welcome,” she said.

  His fist was still on his chin.

  36: What I Want

  Carolyn closed the door behind him and buried her face in her hands. What am I doing? When her cell phone rang, she groaned at the display, but given the choice between her sister and her doubts, she chose Eve.

  “Well, your apartment is spotless, and I’m thinking you owe me half your deposit for labor. Though Mama pointed out that the oven didn’t even need a sponge.”

  Carolyn cringed. “I’ve been busy.”

  “Not too busy to buy a thousand books. Do you know how heavy those things are?”

  “Hal and Daddy said they would move — ”

  “My husband, yes. Daddy was unpacking, to hunt through your CD collection.”

  “He what?”

  “Oh, yes, Carolyn,” Eve said. “Said he sounded very nice on the phone, which I thought was hysterical, by the way, but explained why you haven’t taken my calls since Tuesday. Did you finally catch a moment to yourself?”

  Two taps on Carolyn’s door answered that. “I’ve been running around like crazy, Eve. I’m at the hotel now, but … ”

  Whatever phone-call-ending excuse she’d been trying to concoct vanished at the sight of Rick standing there, a wo
rn backpack slung over his shoulder. He raised his eyebrows at the phone, and Carolyn mouthed ‘my sister.’

  “Carolyn? I’m not hearing you answer me.”

  She sighed. “Eve … ”

  “Don’t ‘Eve’ me, girl. What’s going on?”

  Carolyn dropped into the sofa, nodding at Rick’s unasked question to sit on the other end. She smiled when he kicked his shoes off, but he wasn’t looking, he was reaching in his backpack. He pulled out a notebook and leaned over the coffee table with a pen in his hand.

  She was dying to lean over his shoulder. “This isn’t really a good time.”

  “Why is that, Carolyn?” Eve demanded.

  “It just isn’t. Listen, I have to — ”

  “Oh, my God! He’s in your hotel room, isn’t he?”

  Judging by the expression on Rick’s face, Eve’s voice had traveled to the other end of the sofa. He laughed when she jumped up and headed for the bedroom. By the time she closed the door, Eve was threatening her with bodily injury.

  “Evelyn! Stop it!” Carolyn took a deep breath in the silence that followed her order. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”

  “Oh, no — ”

  “Oh, yes. I know what I’m doing!”

  As strong as the statement sounded, Eve’s question caught the lie. “Do you?”

  Carolyn walked to the window. All she knew was that when he started rattling off that story about Kale, she’d been holding her breath. Surely, she was insane.

  She wasn’t about to admit that to Eve. “You don’t know him.”

  “And you do? After four days?”

  Was that all it had been? Carolyn closed her eyes.

  “In all fairness,” Eve said, “I suppose you should know that Daddy found what he was looking for. He seemed impressed, said he thinks he has some kind of social conscience — ”

  “See, I told you he’s not just — ”

  “He also said that didn’t make him want the guy out with his daughter, because one song in particular scared the shit out of him. And yes, our father actually said ‘shit.’ I wasn’t trying to find out what that was about.”

  She flinched, but Eve hardly paused.

  “Carolyn, I love you. I don’t want you getting your heart broken.”

  The strength drained from her legs, and she sank to her knees on the floor. I’m trying not to let it.

  * * *

  Rick didn’t know how long she was gone, but when she came back, she only shook her head. The light went off on her cell phone before she dropped it in the charger on the desk, then she lifted the hotel phone to speak to the front desk, and whatever the hell else was going on, Carolyn was cutting off the rest of the world.

  “Do you tell your brother how to live his life?” she asked him.

  “Sometimes.”

  “Well, stop.”

  “Some habits kinda hard to break.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Really.”

  Rick shifted back against the couch when her gaze cut below his chin.

  “You want something to drink? So your mouth doesn’t dry out while you’re talking?”

  That sister hadn’t put her in a good mood. “You got any root beer?”

  She set one down on the coffee table before she sat on the couch, pulled her feet up, and wrapped her arms around her knees. Rick almost said that he wasn’t aware they had any kind of exclusive thing going, but he didn’t think that would go over well. This was kind of the price for being here.

  He wished he’d asked for whiskey, but he popped open the can and started talking. She listened without a word until the door slammed behind Jessie.

  “Is that all?”

  “I left out some personal shit.” Carolyn’s eyebrows shot up. He shook his head, and she swung her feet to the floor, started to stand up. Shit. “The part where I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

  She looked back at him, and he couldn’t read her, but she did settle back down. He brought the nearly-empty can back to his mouth.

  “What’s going on with Mary?”

  Rick froze. When the bellhop brought his bags up, his train of thought had been interrupted long enough to make sure his own phone was off. “Nothing.”

  Carolyn raised her eyebrows.

  “What’s with the third-degree?” Carolyn looked away and Rick gritted his teeth. “I moved out, a’ight?”

  “When?”

  “Day before I came here.”

  Her eyes widened. “Sunday?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Five days ago?”

  By the time he calculated it — five if it was movie-rental days, including the day of and today — Carolyn was off the couch, pacing and muttering. Her tank top and sweat pants clung to her body, so he couldn’t really hear what she said. He wasn’t sure what the problem was.

  Until she muttered something about rebounds.

  “Well, it ain’t like I was even there four months before that. I was on tour — ”

  “Doing what?”

  Rick slammed the can down on the coffee table. “Trying to make a fucking living! Because if I’m not out there, then I know every goddamn dollar passing through my hands was shit straight out of Guillotine’s ass!”

  She backed up to the desk, probably because he’d come off the couch, straight for her. Rick spun around and managed to cram the envy down. He’d never said that out loud before.

  He turned to see Carolyn facing the window, her arms wrapped around her, her back straight. There were worse things to realize.

  “That ain’t what you was asking about, was it?” He saw the breath she took in the rise of her shoulders. “You know, I read your book.”

  She turned slowly, her eyes wide.

  Rick shrugged. “You don’t get the whole story from the radio and TV. Seem like they only want to hear about that chemical shit, but I thought the other part was more interesting.”

  Carolyn’s teeth hit her lower lip. She knew what he meant; she’d written the damn thing. She hadn’t dumped him over a bullshit fight.

  She’d dumped him because he was a lousy bet.

  “So what exactly do you want, Carolyn? ’Cause I can’t change who I been and I ain’t quite sure if I want to change who I am.”

  He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t to see her hand fly up to her mouth. It wasn’t to see her face crumple and it sure as hell wasn’t to see her eyes start filling with tears.

  Her words sounded strangled. “I just want to know what you want.”

  “I want you. That’s all.”

  She shook her head, wouldn’t meet his eyes. Not very specific. He took a deep breath, looked past the woman framed in the dim light of the window. When he looked back at her, her hand was on her throat. Again.

  Can I resolve your fear? Rick shoved his hands in his pockets and felt the paper he’d stuffed there so it wouldn’t be left out in the open. “Well, I don’t want to be so goddamn afraid to come near you.”

  Her lips pressed together. Wasn’t what she’d asked, but it was hard as hell to say shit he didn’t have any practice at. Hard enough trying to figure out why this woman with tears falling down her cheeks made him want to put his arms around her and make them stop forever.

  “I know what I want,” he said. “I want to wake up tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that … and every single day from now on, and not even wonder if this is gonna be a day you won’t be in.”

  He couldn’t believe he was even thinking it, but it was true. The only consolation was that he was sure it wouldn’t leak through the walls of this room.

  “Christ. One week with you, I sound like a fucking Barry Manilow song.”

  Carolyn’s hand jumped — to cover up the smile. God, he loved it when she did that.

  “I love you.”

  Her eyes flew open, her hand slipped, and Rick frowned. She hadn’t said that, and only the two of them were in the room. The words bounced off the walls and in the echo they sounde
d like a first take Zeus would make him run through a hundred more times to get right.

  Rick sighed. “I guess what I really want is to be what you wanted. But I ain’t.”

  Both of her hands covered her mouth this time, her eyes filled again and he couldn’t look anymore. Then she was there, her arms tight around his neck, her face buried into his shoulder, so fast he didn’t know what to do with her.

  Only for a moment. He breathed in the scent of her hair as he closed his eyes and pulled her against him. I do. Love you. He didn’t know how it had slipped out. Probably the same way everything seemed to around her.

  How do you make me feel like nothing will ever go wrong again, as long as you’re here? He locked his arms around her so hard that he thought he might break her. Her hair brushed the side of his face as she lifted her head.

  “That’s not true.” She sounded hoarse. “You’re everything I ever wanted.”

  He tightened his grip on her. She sounded like she believed that.

  Carolyn’s gaze shifted to follow the movement he felt on his cheek, her finger tracing a line from his temple down to his chin. Then she smiled. “You just don’t look like it.”

  Sarcastic, and his impulse to come back kicked in.

  The impulse vanished when Carolyn pulled his mouth to hers.

  37: Tenth Time’s a Charm

  Carolyn was sure the only thing that kept her heart from exploding was the crush of Rick’s arms around her. Suddenly, his hold loosened, like he was trying to let her go. She tightened her arms around his neck, moved to kiss him again, but he backed up, his eyes narrowed with suspicion.

  She hadn’t seen that in a while. “What?”

  He started to say something, then stopped, but the question didn’t leave his eyes.

  Carolyn smiled. “They say the tenth time’s the charm.”

  “No. That ain’t what they say.”

  She sympathized with his uncertainty, but short of peeling her clothes off like the exhibitionist on West 53rd Street, she didn’t know what to do.

  “I guess if you’re staying,” she finally said, “you should see the rest of the place.”

  Rick nodded, so at least that was still set. He released her as easily as he ever had. Had she always been so disappointed when he did that?