Nobody's Hero

by Melanie Harvey

  Carolyn smiled and slid her arm around his waist, which made the look on his face in the picture a little better. He’d kill Nathan for that, if he ever saw him again.

  “‘Carolyn Coffman’s Late Show appearance might have raised a few eyebrows — ’”

  “Gave me a hard-on.”

  “Hush. ‘ — but her joke may have been more truth than comedy.’”

  This time Carolyn groaned while Rick grinned. “I know, my fault.”

  “‘Ricky Rain was serving as Guillotine’s hype man that night — ’”

  “Oh, fuck no!”

  “‘ — but he’s been making waves for a long time on the underground rap scene … ’”

  He looked over her shoulder again, and the screen moved up to reveal his publicity shot, the one Louis wanted to replace. He did look a lot younger.

  “That’s you!”

  “I recognize the face from the mirror.”

  She elbowed him and kept reading. “Produced by Zeus, his last album, Deluged — holy shit, Rick, it’s a link to iTunes! And … oh, wow. There’s a play button embedded in the article. Listen.”

  “To what?”

  Then he heard his own voice coming from the tinny speakers.

  Carolyn turned around as ‘Fairy Tale’ played. “How do you like that?”

  “I like it a lot,” he said. “I’m one of my favorite artists.”

  She rolled her eyes and turned back to the screen. “‘According to Ricky Rain’s manager, his next album, again being produced by Zeus, is scheduled to release in September. The controversial rapper — ’”

  “Controversial?”

  “That’s what it says.”

  He snorted. “How can I be controversial if nobody’s listening?”

  She tilted her head. “Are you listening?”

  He was. He just couldn’t believe it, even though he wouldn’t have picked that song. The thirty-second snippet ended as Carolyn kept reading.

  “‘So has the relationship expert found her Happily Ever After?’”

  “It’s ‘happy ever after’, not — ”

  “I know, whatever. That’s it. Oh, my God.”

  He thought of Carolyn’s speech about privacy and publicity.

  She threw her arms around his neck. “Can you believe it? This is fantastic!”

  Rick could only blink at her reaction.

  “Did you hear what they said about you?”

  “Said I’m controversial.”

  “And you wouldn’t want that on your resume?” Carolyn put her hands on his face. “Rick. Did you see that? Did you hear that?”

  She was way more thrilled than he was. Then it clicked. “All because of you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Meant he probably sounded arrogant, so he just shook his head.

  “Does being with me make you look bad?”

  “Well, you are better looking than me.” This time her look was a happy one. “I just meant that if you weren’t already famous.”

  “I’m not famous. Just … ” She shrugged. “Not any more than I was last night.”

  No, she wasn’t. And she was still here. He slipped his arms around her, she started to say something else, but he kissed her. He tasted the same toothpaste he’d used and wondered why anything else had mattered even for a minute.

  Carolyn jerked. “Liz!”

  “Who the hell is Liz?”

  “My agent,” she said, like he should have cared right now. “That’s why she called.”

  Exasperated didn’t come close to how he felt when she tried to pull away from him.

  “I have to call her back. I have to.”

  He let her go. “Fine, call her back.”

  She looked a little ticked off. Maybe he sounded pissed because he wasn’t getting any as fast as he wanted. But that wasn’t all of it.

  “I do love you, Carolyn.”

  It sounded a lot better that time, he thought, but her smile disappeared. When her gaze went to the floor, Rick’s stomach dropped. All he could do was look at her. He was sure he’d never forget that, one hand clutching at the sheet, waves of hair touching her bare shoulders.

  When she finally looked up, she didn’t say anything. She brought her fist to her chin.

  Christ, Carolyn. You gotta be kidding me.

  He knew she wasn’t, even though he didn’t understand it any more than he could understand why he couldn’t find his voice for a minute.

  “I’m a take a shower.” He pointed to the phone. “You hurry up with that call.”

  41: Mary

  The bathroom’s black and white tiles chilled Carolyn’s feet. She hadn’t thought Rick’s shower would last longer than her phone call, but Liz hadn’t been in a chatty mood. Carolyn glanced at the steam-coated door and cinched her robe more tightly around her waist before she crossed to the sink and reached for her face soap. The shower shut off when she turned on the tap.

  She sighed. “Rick, I have to go.”

  She heard nothing for a few seconds except the water running into the sink. When he spoke, she knew he’d been controlling himself.

  “For what?”

  For nothing. She lathered her face. “I’ve been summoned to a meeting with my agent, my publicist and who knows who else. They’re sending a car at ten-thirty.”

  Rick didn’t respond except to push open the door and reach for a towel. She glanced into the mirror, then ducked to rinse off the soap. It was better not to look. When she reached for a hand towel, she saw his eyes narrow. “I tried to tell her — ”

  “What’d she say?”

  “That she tried to reach me, and she couldn’t. She’s mad. All they’ve been able to say is ‘we have no statement at this time’ and they hate that. Sounds like you’re hiding something.”

  Rick nodded slowly. “Come here a second.”

  He sounded so serious that she did. His expression faded into a grin when he untied her bathrobe. She felt drops of water on his shoulders and his damp skin catching around her waist. “I have to get ready.”

  “How long’s that gonna take?”

  He skimmed his mouth against her neck, and Carolyn groaned. “Until the car shows up.”

  “Then how long’ll you be there? A couple hours, I’d guess.” Her robe fell off her shoulders, and his hands slid over her rear end to pull her against him. “Can’t wait that long.”

  He eased down to the bathmat, settling her into his lap. She could pull her hair back, throw some clothes on. It wasn’t a photo shoot.

  She grinned when he yanked his pants down from the bar — and reached in the pocket for a condom. Even in the bright lights of the bathroom, she didn’t close her eyes this time. She watched his gaze travel over her as he pulled her closer, and she sucked in air. His eyes met hers again.

  “I love you too, Rick.”

  He closed his eyes. She started to reach for his face when his jaw set, but he tightened his grip on her, and she grabbed his shoulders, still without any comprehension of how he did this to her. Carolyn caught her breath with her forehead on his shoulder, and after a moment, felt his hands play over her back. When she sat up, he brushed her hair from her shoulder and kissed her there. She smiled.

  Rick’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

  She mentally clicked through a few synonyms for her thought, but found none that he’d like. When she didn’t answer his question, he gave her a warning look, and she went with the original word.

  “You’re sweet.” His jaw clamped down, and she kissed him. “You made me say it.”

  She saw the smile in his eyes, and she tapped a finger on the rise of his cheekbone.

  “Well,” he said, tossing her an annoyed look as he stood, “don’t be trying that explanation when they start giving you shit about me today.”

  She stared as he reached for shorts hanging on another bar. “What do you mean by that?”

  “What do you think she’s upset about?”

  “She couldn’t
get a hold of me … ” She trailed off as he pulled on his pants and shook his head. Carolyn pulled on her robe and stood up. “You’re crazy.”

  “But I’m right.”

  She rolled her eyes, and he shrugged. The storm rippled on his back. “You also look really hot with your shirt off.”

  In the mirror, his eyebrows raised and his gaze shifted down. “So do you.” He grinned when she closed her robe. “Smart move. Unless you want to miss your ride.”

  “Oh, shit.” She rushed from the bathroom. Rick’s laughter followed her.

  * * *

  He didn’t know she’d come into the living room, until she cleared her throat a foot away, between the couch he was sitting on and the coffee table where his notebook was. The irritation hit, but that was just normal being-interrupted irritated, and he hid it the best he could.

  “How do I look?”

  “Better with your clothes off.”

  Her hand hit her hip.

  “Well, it’s true.”

  “Remind me not to ask your opinion again.”

  “My opinion is you can’t look bad. You want more specific, ask somebody else.”

  Apparently that wasn’t annoying, because she leaned over him and kissed him. Hard.

  “You better follow through on that when you get back.”

  She bit her lip. “Are you really staying?”

  “Are you asking me to leave?”

  “No, I didn’t — I don’t — ”

  “Didn’t you hear me before?”

  She flinched, and he was damn sick of not being able to explain himself any better. Maybe he’d figure it out while she was gone. Then, like she had forgotten she was supposed to go, she jumped and rushed for the door.

  “You should hurry, or I’m ordering a cow’s worth of hamburgers,” he called as the door closed.

  She poked her head back inside. “You can order anything you want.” He started to say he was kidding, but then she grinned. And it was …

  “I want you to keep your strength up.”

  … wicked. Rick groaned. “That ain’t funny.”

  Carolyn laughed. “But it’s true.” She pulled the door shut, with her on the outside.

  Rick reached for his coffee, still a distant second. He should call Louis, but he didn’t want to hear how great this was for him until he heard what they said to Carolyn. He hoped she was right, that he was crazy, but he wasn’t.

  He called Terrance instead. “So, on that quiz you gave me Monday night, there’s an answer ‘C’.”

  Terrance laughed. “What starts with ‘C’?”

  Rick grinned and put his feet up on the coffee table. “You get back all right?”

  “Nope. Missed the flight.”

  He didn’t sound upset about it, but Rick said, “My fault,” anyway before he asked where he’d crashed.

  “Jackie’s place.” That explained why he wasn’t upset. “I take it you’re still in New York, too.”

  “I’m still here.” The song ran through his head again. He hesitated. “Can you keep a secret?”

  “To everybody but my mama.”

  No lie. Rick neither. “I think … ” He changed his mind. “Forget it.”

  “Forget what? That you gone soft for this girl?” Terrance laughed. “Whyn’t you tell me something I ain’t known all week. Like why you can’t keep your damn phone on like the rest of the world.”

  “I been busy.”

  “Meantime your bitch girlfriend is blowing up — ”

  “She ain’t my girlfriend.”

  “You know that, I know that. The only person who don’t seem to know is her. So you gonna clear that up?”

  “I told her.”

  “Tell her again. It’s getting old.”

  “I’ll get you a new number instead.”

  “I like this number,” Terrance said. “A lot of nice ladies have this number. Some of them send me pictures.”

  The first bill on Rick’s newest phone had made him completely quit giving out his number. Calls he could ignore, but the pictures cost a quarter a pop. It added up.

  “Speaking of pictures.” Terrance laughed. “That one’s all over the internet. Top e-mailed photo on — ”

  Rick groaned.

  “Big fucking secret you got there, Ricky Rain.”

  “Go to hell, T.”

  Terrance laughed again. “I’m a send it to Kale. Who else, you think? Does Jackson have e-mail?”

  “Would I know?” Rick glanced at the display when his call waiting beeped. “I gotta go.” He gritted his teeth and answered the call. “Yo.”

  Mary was silent for a second. “Well, hi.”

  Rick dropped his head back on the couch at her cheerful tone. Not what he’d have heard if he’d listened to her messages. “Listen, I need two favors. One, quit calling Terrance. Two, quit calling me. Can you do that?”

  She didn’t answer. He bit his tongue and paced across the room to wait her out.

  Finally she said, “I just wanted to congratulate you on all this exposure.” Mary gave a short laugh. “It was really clever of you.”

  Like he’d engineered the whole thing. Exactly what Louis would think. What was he going to tell him? No, really, I love her?

  Rick shook his head. “Terrance don’t want to change his number. So can you stop — ”

  “Of course, Ricky,” she said, and he blinked. “When are you coming back?”

  “To Cleveland?”

  “I mean home.”

  Rick considered saying he was moving to New York, but he felt a lack of enthusiasm for being a pain in the ass. He spotted Carolyn’s iPod jacked into a speaker dock on the desk. The display came on with a touch of his thumb and he couldn’t resist pulling up her top twenty-five most played list. “Lady Marmalade” at the top.

  The highlight clicked down as he counted. Six out of her top twenty-five songs.

  “Ricky?”

  “Yeah. So, I’m looking at this iPod, and I’m in it. What do you think about that?”

  “I’m sure you’re in a lot of iPods.”

  “No, I mean, how do you think that makes me feel?”

  After a beat, she said, “Good?”

  “Appreciated.”

  “Ricky, I just don’t … like it. I don’t see what difference that makes.”

  “Because if you did, you wouldn’t talk like I’m choosing — ” His throat closed up.

  “I won’t do that anymore. I promise, Ricky.”

  He didn’t really hear her. The backlight turned itself off, his titles dimmed in the LCD display. The light kicked back on when he sank into the chair. He hit the menu button; found his name, his albums. He found the last song he’d written, just after Trisha called Miami to tell him Aiesha was dead. He’d recorded it in one take.

  What do you think of Mary?

  Up till he asked, Aiesha had been silent, and not because Mary was flawless. Aiesha picked out defects on video girls. She’d looked at him for a very long time.

  I think she’ll never appreciate you.

  Geared up to hear something else, he’d laughed.

  She shrugged. Tell yourself it don’t matter.

  It didn’t matter to Aiesha if he was recording in Miami or in Jackson’s basement booth, padded with foam egg crate mattress pads. Sound quality never changed her reaction. You can’t do better than that? Like he had some reserve tank he wasn’t accessing, just to piss her off.

  He’d written crap since she died, then the block stole his words altogether.

  “Ricky? When are you coming home?”

  “I start recording on Monday,” he told Mary. “You know that.”

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know what you meant. I ain’t coming back there.” He didn’t even know why he said it. Nobody believes me. Rick sighed. “I don’t know why you even want me to.”

  “Because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking — ”

  “Shit, Mary — ”

  “No, Ri
cky, hear me out. Please.”

  “You going stop calling if I do?”

  “Is that what you really want?”

  He dropped his head in his hand. “Ain’t that what I said?”

  “Then I will. If you’ll listen to me.”

  Sure. His next call would still be to the phone company. She’d give up on Terrance eventually. “Deal.”

  She was silent, and Rick held his tongue until she finally started talking.

  “Like I said, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I think I know what the problem has always been — ”

  Rick sat up. “Don’t go — ”

  “No! You never let me finish. I could never tell you I was sorry, that I really was sorry.”

  She sounded like she was crying. He closed his eyes. “Well, now you told me.”

  “I mean it, Ricky. I do. When I started asking around after you got that contract, I knew you were right, this could be really big, and I knew what would happen. I shouldn’t have done it, but I was too scared to do anything else — ”

  His fist banged the desk and the speakers jumped. “Because you didn’t trust me!”

  “You didn’t love me!”

  He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t deny it. How had she known? He’d said he did. On the flight to Miami, he’d decided the hell with it, he’d just ask her to marry him when he got back. Maybe then she’d trust him.

  “I am sorry, Ricky.” She took a deep breath. “I want to start over. And I want to stop pretending. I think if we do that, then maybe it’ll work.”

  She won’t appreciate you. Tell yourself it don’t matter. He let out a breath. “Mary — ”

  “Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

  Thought about it. “Fine. You gonna hold up your end of the bargain? Lay off Terrance’s phone. And mine?”

  She said yes, but he didn’t believe her. He closed the phone and reached for the iPod on the desk, watched the screen glow on his songs. You were wrong, Esha, it never mattered. Rick held down the play button until it shut off.

  Because I had you.

  He glanced around the silent living room, to the front door that didn’t open no matter how much he wanted it to. What do you think of Carolyn?

  He set the iPod in the dock. He could have sworn she answered him.