Come Back, Dr Caligari

by Donald Barthelme

  “Wait a minute!” Batman said. “Wouldn’t it be quicker to get on the Dugan Expressway where it comes in there at 11th Street and then take the North Loop out to the Richardson Freeway? Don’t you think that would save time?”

  “Well I come to work that way!” the Commissioner said. “But they’re putting in another two lanes on the North Loop, so that you have to detour down Strand, then cut over to 99th to get back on the Expressway! Takes you about two miles out of your way!” he said.

  “Okay!” Batman said, “we’ll go out 34th! Thanks Commissioner and don’t worry about anything! Come on Fredric!”

  “Oh by the way,” Commissioner Gordon said. “How’s Robin doing at Exeter?”

  “It’s not Exeter it’s Andover,” Batman said. “He’s doing very well. Having a little trouble with his French.”

  “I had a little trouble with it myself,” the Commissioner said jovially. “Où est man livre?”

  “Où est ton livre?” Batman said.

  “Où est son livre?” the Commissioner said pointing at Fredric.

  “Tout cela s’est passé en dix-neuf cent vingt-quatre,” Fredric said.

  “Well we’d better creep Commissioner,” Batman said. “The Joker as you know is a pretty slippery customer. Come on Fredric.”

  “Glad to have met you Commissioner,” Fredric said.

  “Me too,” the Commissioner said, shaking Fredric’s hand. “This is a fine-appearing young man Batman. Where did you find him?”

  “He’s just a friend,” Batman said smiling under his mask.

  “We get together usually on Tuesday nights and have a few.”

  “What do you do Fredric? I mean how do you make your living?”

  “I sell Grit, a newspaper which has most of its circulation concentrated in rural areas,” Fredric said. “However I sell it right here in Gotham City. Many of today’s leaders sold Grit during their boyhoods.”

  “Okay,” said Commissioner Gordon, ushering them out of his office. “Good luck. Téléphonez-moi un de ces jours.”

  “Righto,” Batman said, and they hurried down the street to the Batmobile, which was parked in a truck zone.

  “Can we stop for a minute on the way?” Fredric asked. “I’m out of cigarettes.”

  “There are some Viceroys in the glove compartment,” Batman said pushing a button. A panel on the dashboard slid back to reveal a fresh carton of Viceroys.

  “I usually prefer Kents,” Fredric said, “but Viceroys are tasty too.”

  “They’re all about the same I find,” Batman said. “Most of the alleged differences in cigarettes are just advertising as far as I’m concerned.”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were right about that,” Fredric said. The Batmobile sped down the dark streets of Gotham City toward Gotham Airport.

  “Turn on the radio,” Batman suggested. “Maybe we can catch the news or something.”

  Fredric turned on the radio but there was nothing unusual on it.

  At Gotham Airport the jewel merchant Hendrik van Voort was just dismounting from his KLM jet when the Batmobile wheeled onto the landing strip, waved through the gates by respectful airport police in gray uniforms.

  “Well everything seems to be okay,” Batman said. “There’s the armored car waiting to take Mr. van Voort to his destination.”

  “That’s a new kind of armored car isn’t it?” Fredric asked.

  Without a word Batman leaped through the open door of the armored car and grappled with the shadowy figure inside.

  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

  “That’s The Joker’s laugh!” Fredric reflected. “The man inside the armored car must be the grinning clown of crime himself!”

  “Batman! I thought that clue I sent you would leave you completely at sea!”

  “No, Joker! I’m afraid this leaves your plans up in the air!”

  “But not for long Batman! I’m going to bring you down to earth!”

  With a swift movement, The Joker crashed the armored car into the side of the Terminal Building!

  CRASH!

  “Great Scott!” Fredric said to himself. “Batman is stunned! He’s helpless!”

  “You foiled my plans Batman,” The Joker said, “but before the police get here, I’m going to lift that mask of yours and find out who you really are! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

  Fredric watched, horror-stricken. “Great Scott! The Joker has unmasked Batman! Now he knows that Batman is really Bruce Wayne!”

  At this moment Robin, who was supposed to be at Andover, many miles away, landed the Batplane on the airstrip and came racing toward the wrecked armored car! But The Joker, alerted, grasped a cable lowered by a hovering helicopter and was quickly lifted skyward! Robin paused at the armored car and put the mask back on Batman’s face!

  “Hello Robin!” Fredric called. “I thought you were at Andover!”

  “I was but I got a sudden feeling Barman needed me so I flew here in the Batplane,” Robin said. “How’ve you been?”

  “Fine,” Fredric said. “But we left the Batplane in the garage, back at the Bat-Cave. I don’t understand.”

  “We have two of everything,” Robin explained. “Although it’s not generally known.”

  With Fredric’s aid Robin carried the stunned Batman to the waiting Batmobile. “You drive the Batmobile back to the Bat-Cave and I’ll follow in the Batplane,” Robin said. “All right?”

  “Check,” Fredric said. Don’t you think we ought to give him a little brandy or something?”

  “That’s a good idea,” Robin said. “Press that button there on the dashboard. That’s the brandy button.”

  Fredric pressed the button and a panel slid back, revealing a bottle of B & B and the appropriate number of glasses.

  “This is pretty tasty,” Fredric said, tasting the B & B. “How much is it a fifth?”

  “Around eight dollars,” Robin said. “There, that seems to be restoring him to his senses.”

  “Great Scott,” Batman said, “what happened?”

  “The Joker crashed the armored car and you were stunned,” Fredric explained.

  “Hi Robin what are you doing here? I thought you were up at school,” Batman said.

  “I was,” Robin said. “Are you okay now? Can you drive home okay?”

  “I think so,” Batman said. “What happened to The Joker?”

  “He got away,” Fredric said, “but not before lifting your mask while you lay stunned in the wreckage of the wrecked armored car.”

  “Yes Batman,” Robin said seriously, “I think he learned your real identity.”

  “Great Scott!” Batman said. “If he reveals it to the whole world it will mean the end of my career as a crime-fighter! Well, it’s a problem.”

  They drove seriously back to the Bat-Cave, thinking about the problem. Later, in Bruce Wayne’s study, Bruce Wayne, Fredric, and Robin, who was now dressed in the conservative Andover clothes of Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne’s ward, mulled the whole thing over between them.

  “What makes The Joker tick I wonder?” Fredric said. “I mean what are his real motivations?”

  “Consider him at any level of conduct,” Bruce said slowly, “in the home, on the street, in interpersonal relations, in jail — always there is an extraordinary contradiction. He is dirty and compulsively neat, aloof and desperately gregarious, enthusiastic and sullen, generous and stingy, a snappy dresser and a scarecrow, a gentleman and a boor, given to extremes of happiness and despair, singularly well able to apply himself and capable of frittering away a lifetime in trivial pursuits, decorous and unseemly, land and cruel, tolerant yet open to the most outrageous varieties of bigotry, a great friend and an implacable enemy, a lover and an abominator of women, sweet-spoken and foul-mouthed, a rake and a puritan, swelling with hubris and haunted by inferiority, outcast and social climber, felon and philanthropist, barbarian and patron of the arts, enamored of novelty an
d solidly conservative, philosopher and fool, Republican and Democrat, large of soul and unbearably petty, distant and brimming with friendly impulses, an inveterate liar and astonishingly strict with petty cash, adventurous and timid, imaginative and stolid, malignly destructive and a planter of trees on Arbor Day — I tell you frankly, the man is a mess.”

  “That’s extremely well said Bruce,” Fredric stated. “I think you’ve given really a very thoughtful analysis.”

  “I was paraphrasing what Mark Schorer said about Sinclair Lewis,” Bruce replied.

  “Well it’s very brilliant just the same,” Fredric noted. “I guess I’d better go home now.”

  “We could all use a little sleep,” Bruce Wayne said. “By the way Fredric how are the Grit sales coming along? Are you getting many subscriptions?”

  “Yes quite a few Bruce,” Fredric said. “I’ve been doing particularly well in the wealthier sections of Gotham City although the strength of Grit is usually found in rural areas. By the way Dick if you want to borrow my language records to help you with your French you can come by Saturday.”

  “Thanks Fredric I’ll do that,” Dick said.

  “Okay Bruce,” Fredric said, “I’ll see you next Tuesday night probably unless something comes up.”

  To London and Rome

  Do you know what I want more than anything else? Alison asked.

  THERE WAS A BRIEF PAUSE

  What? I said.

  A sewing-machine Alison said, with buttonhole-making attachments.

  THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE

  There are so many things I could do with it for instance fixing up last year’s fall dresses and lots of other things.

  THERE WAS A TREMENDOUS PAUSE DURING WHICH I BOUGHT HER A NECCHI SEWING-MACHINE

  Wonderful! Alison said sitting at the controls of the Necchi and making buttonholes in a copy of the New York Times Sunday Magazine. Her eyes glistened. I had also bought a two-year subscription to Necchi News because I could not be sure that her interest would not be held for that long at least.

  THERE WAS A PAUSE BROKEN ONLY BY THE HUMMING OF THE NECCHI

  Then I bought her a purple Rolls which we decided to park on the street because our apartment building had no garage. Alison said she absolutely loved the Rolls! and gave me an enthusiastic kiss. I paid for the car with a check drawn on the First City Bank.

  THERE WAS AN INTERVAL

  Peter Alison said, what do you want to do now?

  Oh I don’t know I said.

  THERE WAS A LONG INTERVAL

  Well we can’t simply sit around the apartment Alison said so we went to the races at Aqueduct where I bought a race horse that was running well out in front of the others. What a handsome race horse! Alison said delightedly. I paid for the horse with a check on the Capital National Bank.

  THERE WAS AN INTERMISSION BETWEEN RACES SO WE WENT AROUND TO THE STABLES AND BOUGHT A HORSE TRAILER

  The trailer was attached by means of a trailer hitch, which I bought when it became clear that the trailer could not be hitched up without one, to the back of our new Rolls. The horse’s name was Dan and I bought a horse blanket, which he was already wearing but which did not come with him, to keep him warm.

  He is beautiful Alison said.

  A front-runner too I said.

  THERE WAS AN INTERVAL OF SEVERAL DAYS. THEN ALISON AND I DROVE THE CAR WITH THE TRAILER UP THE RAMP INTO THE PLANE AND WE FLEW BACK TO MILWAUKEE

  After stopping for lunch at Howard Johnson’s where we fed Dan some fried clams which he seemed to like very much Alison said: Do you know what we’ve completely forgotten? I knew that there was something but although I thought hard I could not imagine what it was.

  There’s no place to keep him in our apartment building! Alison said triumphantly, pointing at Dan. She was of course absolutely right and I hastily bought a large three-story house in Milwaukee’s best suburb. To make the house more comfortable I bought a concert grand piano.

  ON THE DOORSTEP OF THE NEW HOUSE THE PIANO MOVERS PAUSED FOR A GLASS OF COLD WATER

  Here are some little matters which you must attend to Alison said, handing me a box of bills. I went through them carefully, noting the amounts and thinking about money.

  What in the name of God is this! I cried, holding up a bill for $1600 from the hardware store.

  Garden hose Alison said calmly.

  THERE WAS AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

  It was clear that I would have to remove some money from the State Bank & Trust and place it in the Municipal National and I did so. The pilot of the airplane which I had bought to fly us to Aqueduct, with his friend the pilot of the larger plane I had bought to fly us back, appeared at the door and asked to be paid. The pilots’ names were George and Sam. I paid them and also bought from Sam his flight jacket, which was khaki-colored and pleasant-looking. They smiled and saluted as they left.

  Well I said looking around the new house, we’d better call a piano teacher because I understand that without use pianos tend to fall out of tune.

  Not only pianos Alison said giving me an exciting look.

  A SILENCE FREIGHTED WITH SEXUAL SIGNIFICANCE ENSUED. THEN WE WENT TO BED FIRST HOWEVER ORDERING A PIANO TEACHER AND A PIANO TUNER FOR THE EARLY MORNING

  The next day Mr. Washington from the Central National called to report an overdraft of several hundred thousand dollars for which I apologized. Who was that on the telephone? Alison asked. Mr. Washington from the bank I replied. Oh Alison said, what do you want for breakfast? What have you got? I asked. Nothing Alison said, we’ll have to go out for breakfast.

  So we went down to the drugstore where Alison had eggs sunny side up and I had buckwheat cakes with sausage. When we got back to the house I noticed that there were no trees surrounding it, which depressed me.

  Have you noticed I asked, that there are no trees?

  A SILENCE

  Yes Alison said, I’ve noticed.

  A PROLONGED SILENCE

  In fact Alison said, the treelessness of this house almost makes me yearn for our old apartment building.

  A TERRIBLE SILENCE

  There at least one could look at the large plants in the lobby.

  ABSOLUTE SILENCE FOR ONE MINUTE

  As soon as we go inside I said, I will call the tree service and buy some trees.

  Maples I said.

  SHORT SILENCE

  Oh Peter what a fine idea Alison said brightly. But who are these people in our livingroom?

  SILENTLY WE REGARDED THE TWO MEN WHO SAT ON THE SOFA

  Realizing that the men were the piano teacher and the piano tuner we had requested, I said: Well did you try the piano?

  Yep the first man said, couldn’t make heads or tails out of it.

  And you? I asked, turning to the other man.

  Beats me he said with a mystified look.

  What seems to be the difficulty? I asked.

  THERE WAS A SHAMEFACED SILENCE

  Frankly the piano teacher said, this isn’t my real line of work. Really he said, I’m a jockey.

  How about you? I said to this companion.

  Oh I’m a bona fide piano tuner all right the tuner said. It’s just that I’m not very good at it. Never was and never will be.

  WE CONSIDERED THE PROBLEM IN SILENCE

  I have a proposition to make I announced. What is your name? I asked, nodding in the direction of the jockey.

  Slim he said, and my friend here is Buster.

  Well Slim I said, we need a jockey for our race horse, Dan, who will fall out of trim without workouts. And Buster, you can plant the maple trees which I have just ordered for the house.

  THERE WAS A JOYFUL SILENCE AS BUSTER AND SLIM TRIED TO DIGEST THE GOOD NEWS

  I settled on a salary of $12,000 a year for Slim and a slightly smaller one for Buster. This accomplished I drove the Rolls over to Courtlandt Street to show it to my mistress, Amelia.

  When I knocked at the door of Amelia’s apartment she refused to open it. Instead she began practic
ing scales on her flute. I knocked again and called out: Amelia!

  THE SOUND OF THE FLUTE FILLED THE SILENT HALLWAY

  I knocked again but Amelia continued to play. So I sat down on the steps and began to read the newspaper which was lying on the floor, knocking at intervals and at the same time wondering about the psychology of Amelia.

  Montgomery Ward I noticed in the newspaper was at 40½. Was Amelia being adamant I considered, because of Alison?

  SILENTLY I WONDERED WHAT TO DO

  Amelia I said at length (through the door), I want to give you a nice present of around $5500. Would you like that?

  AN INTERMINABLE SILENCE. THEN AMELIA HOLDING THE FLUTE OPENED THE DOOR

  Do you mean it? she said.

  Certainly I said.

  Can you afford it? she asked doubtfully.

  I have a new Rolls I told her, and took her outside where she admired the car at great length. Then I gave her a check for $5500 on the Commercial National for which she thanked me. Back in the apartment she gracefully removed her clothes and put the check in a book in the bookcase. She looked very pretty without her clothes, as pretty as ever, and we had a pleasant time for an hour or more. When I left the apartment Amelia said Peter, I think you’re a very pleasant person which made me feel very good and on the way home I bought a new gray Dacron suit.

  WHEN I GAVE THE SALESMAN A CHECK ON THE MEDICAL NATIONAL HE PAUSED, FROWNED, AND SAID: “THIS IS A NEW BANK ISN’T IT?”

  Where have you been? Alison said, I’ve been waiting lunch for hours. I bought a new suit I said, how do you like it? Very nice Alison said, but hurry I’ve got to go shopping after lunch. Shopping! I said, I’ll go with you!