by T M Kelly
The smile on his face drew me in. “You’re not in a hurry?” I lifted my tank top up over my head and threw it on the bathroom counter.
“The board members can wait.” He wrapped his arms around my body as I stepped into the small space. “Plus, I have to work late tonight.”
“You do?” I lifted my arms up and encircled them around his neck. “I have to eat alone tonight?”
“I’m sorry.” He bent down and kissed me lightly. It was funny; I thought he really meant it when he said those two simple words. “I shouldn’t be long, though.”
“Good.” I threw on the biggest grin and moved my body closer.
“We haven’t tried the shower in a while.”
When I woke up this morning, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Especially after last night. That didn’t matter, though. I would be plastered up against the shower wall in a matter of seconds without a say in the matter.
Ray slid his hands down the curve of my back and over my behind. He squeezed each cheek and pulled my body closer. “Turn around.” That’s how sex with Ray always played out—my back facing him. I came to realize it was a dominance thing. “You are so fucking gorgeous.” He moved his hand up and down my core and circled one finger over my clitoris. Then he pressed his erection hard against my backside before pushing deep inside me. I cried out at the invasion. “You know what I want.” His words were harsh beside my ear. “What do I want, Jenny?”
Instead of answering his demands I screamed his name. He loved sex loud. I had to yell out my orgasm.
Sex with Ray made me hate the intimate act altogether.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had a real orgasm.
Ray was close; I could feel him grow harder inside me. That was my cue to pretend. I started to slowly moan and then a second after he yelled, I followed suit and screamed his name. After six months of faking it, I had a feeling I was a master at the art.
He stayed inside me and pulled me close. “This is better than going to work. Maybe I should stay home.”
I leaned to the side and kissed his cheek. “You may miss an important meeting.”
“Fuck them.” His words were sharp, causing me to flinch. “I want you instead.” Then he tightened his arms around my body. “I want to do this again tonight.”
“I’ll make sure the water is warm.”
“You’re so good to me.”
Was I though?
“Welcome to our first self-defense class.” Malik, our teacher, was standing in front of ten women. We were all currently sitting down in front of him on mats. “Has anyone ever taken self-defense class or any type of mixed martial arts?” Only two women raised their hands. He proceeded to explain how each class would be laid out. After about fifteen minutes, we broke up into groups.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun around and noticed a woman grinning ear to ear. “Hi. I’m, Charlie.” She stuck her hand out.
“Hi,” I said and shook her hand.
“I’m going to be working with you.”
“Me. Why?” I glanced over at the other class members. “Will they be joining us?”
“Just you and me.”
“Why?”
She sat down on the mat and crossed her legs in front of her. “Join me.” I was hesitant at first but followed suit. “You didn’t share your information when you signed up.”
“How do you know that?”
She pointed in Malik’s direction. “The big guy shared. Is there a reason?”
Her question upset me. “Why is this any of your business?”
She put her hands up in surrender. “Whoa, can we start over?”
“Which part?”
“All of it.” She let out this laugh that caught the attention of the other members in the class. “Sorry.” She waved to everyone. “Listen, I think we have something in common.”
“How so?” Now she had my attention.
“Are you hiding a secret?”
Her question felt bold and out of place. “Isn’t everybody?”
“Can’t argue with you there.”
Now this conversation was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. “Charlie, why are you teaching me and not Malik? Isn’t he the self-defense teacher?”
“We thought you would feel more comfortable with just me.”
She wasn’t wrong. I thought about the moment I would be asked to practice a move with Malik. I could see myself running for the exit. I dropped my head and laced my fingers together. “Okay, say you’re right?”
“I would never say I’m right in a situation like this,” Charlie said and touched my thigh. “Just know I get it.”
“Get what?”
“What you’re going through.”
I looked around the gym then back at Charlie. Besides Anora, no one else knew about what happened in my house. I did my best to hide my wounds, my scars, and my tears. Something about Charlie and the way she spoke told me that was all about to change.
We spent most of the time on the mat discussing the art of mixed martial art. Suddenly the vision of Ray popped into my mind. I jumped up and ran over to grab my towel and water bottle. “What time is it?”
“Eight. Everything okay?”
“I need to go.” I ran toward the locker room. About halfway there, I stopped and turned around. “I appreciate your kindness today, Charlie.”
It was late. I was late. Tonight was not going to end well. As I approached my car, there was a figure leaning against the door. I knew it was Ray. It had to be him. Who else could it be?
“What’s this place?” He pushed off the car and stepped closer to me.
“A gym.” My heart was beating so fast against my chest.
“And why are you here so late?”
“Anora invited me. I’m sorry, time slipped by and before I knew it, it was already eight.” I was hesitant but stepped closer to him. “Were you waiting to have dinner? I can still make you something.”
“No. I saw you weren’t home.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close to his body. “I wanted to know where you took my car.”
“I won’t come here again.” Did he have a tracker on the car? I had no reason to believe he followed my every move. If it was true, I would need to be more aware of where I went and who I talked to.
“I did buy you those workout videos and the treadmill.” He bent and kissed the tip of my nose. “Are they not good enough for you?”
“No, they are. I—”
“Jenny, next time tell me where you’re going.”
“O-okay.” I was expecting him to be angry or show his complete displeasure at my disappearance. This Ray, I could handle.
He grabbed my hand and walked me around to the passenger side. As I slid into the seat, Ray bent down and was only inches from face. He grabbed a fist-full of my hair and bent my head in an awkward position. “We don’t have secrets in my house, Jenny.” As he pulled my head farther down, pain shot up my neck. “You are correct. You won’t be coming back here again.” I was afraid to speak. “Do we have that clear?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Yes, sir.”
So much for taking up self-defense.
How could I defend myself when I couldn’t even go to the gym?
4
One month later…
“Did you run here?” Charlie was standing by the front desk.
“No, I took the bus. Why?”
“You look exhausted.” She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my waist. “It’s good to see you.”
Her affection surprised me and yet, it was comforting. I craved the feeling and moved closer to her warmth. I patted Charlie’s arm. “Did the front desk let you know I called?”
“They did. Thank you for giving the heads up. We don’t have a class right now, though.”
Ray was away for a few days for work. I knew he would be monitoring my every move, so I left my phone home and took a bus to the gym.
Coming here was not an easy decision. What if Ray had someone watching me? Anora had to do a pep talk just to shove my ass out the door.
“I wanted to come in personally and ask if you could work with me privately.”
“Oh.” She paused which made me think the answer was no.
“If you can’t, I understand.”
“Did I say no?” She squeezed my hand. “It’s just that I’m training for a big fight in Liverpool. I could commit to a few days but not all.” Charlie did this small hop in place. “Wait, let’s check with Malik. I bet he would take the reins from me when I need to leave.”
Malik. The man who had popped into my dream just the other day. It was not like me to think about another man, but with my new normal of feeling bruises rather than affection, it didn’t surprise me to see his face instead of my husband when I closed my eyes. I thought about working with him one-on-one, but the thought of having his body close to mine made me contemplate running out the front door. I quickly shook the visual from my mind. “I can wait until you get back.”
Charlie turned her head to the side. “Why?”
“Why, what?”
“Why wait?”
“Um, because you need to go to Liverpool for a fight.”
“Or is it because I said Malik’s name?”
“Why are you saying my name?” He was now behind me. I turned to face the man in question. He flashed the biggest smile. “Jenny. It’s good to see you again.”
“Hi.” I didn’t know what else to say, but yet my eyes could not look away. He was wearing a tight, white T-shirt with the Fight It Out logo on the front, and he was covered in sweat.
“Sorry you couldn’t make the evening classes.”
Charlie stepped closer to Malik. “That’s why we have a question for you.”
“Should I be worried?” he said and leaned his arm on the front counter.
“Maybe.” Charlie winked. “No.” She swatted his arm. “Want to help do one-on-one sessions when Jenny’s available?”
“Oh, sure.” He turned my way. “When are you thinking?”
“That’s the tricky part.” I wasn’t ready to go into detail about the why to my ridiculous schedule. “Could I maybe call last minute sometimes? I mean, if you’re not available, it’s fine.”
“I’m here almost every day.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess that’s fine.”
Charlie lunged forward and gave him a hug. “I knew we could count on you.”
Malik kissed the top of Charlie’s head. “You’re going to need a shower now, too.” He looked back over at me. “Just let me know.” Then he nodded and made his way over to the locker room.
“Jenny,” Charlie said and stepped in front of me. She waved her hand in front of my face to get my attention. “I get it, he is easy on the eyes,” she said and struggled to hold in a laugh. “Listen, I know you don’t want to discuss the why for doing private lessons. I just want you to know, I’m a great listener.”
Somehow, I entered a gym that was more than just sweaty fighters working out their anger on a leather bag. It felt like it was so much more. “Thank you, Charlie. That means a lot.”
“So, what are you doing now?”
“Getting on a bus and making the long-ass trip back home.”
“Negative. Let’s get a workout in. Why waste this precious time?”
“My trip on the bus may take too long. I don’t know if I can today.”
Charlie reached over the front desk and grabbed some gloves. “I’ll take you home. Let’s get some mat time in now.”
I followed behind her. “Are you sure?”
“About training? Yes.” She pointed to a bench. “Sit.” She proceeded to tape up my hands and put the gloves on. “Okay, you’re ready.”
I walked out to the center of the mat. “I literally have no idea what I’m doing.”
“You’re in the right place then.” She put on punch mitts and smacked them together. “Let’s figure out what level you’re at.”
“The lowest level possible.” I looked down at my hands. “How do I hold my fingers?” Charlie dropped her arms to the side. “What?”
She walked over and grabbed my arms. “Well, let’s start here. What’s this?” Then she flapped my arms in and out from my side. “Are they always like this? We can’t have spaghetti arms.”
I looked down and did something I had not done in a long time—I laughed.
“Hold your torso up.” Charlie was lying on the floor and I was straddling her with my hands resting on her chest. She was trying to show the basics of grappling, but I had a feeling I was failing miserably. “Hey, just the person we need.”
“I don’t think you need me.” Malik stepped up beside us. “The position looks good to me.”
Again, I laughed. I actually enjoyed the sound coming from my own mouth.
I flopped my body back onto the mat. “What could possibly look good? I’m a mess.”
He knelt down. “Sit up.” He reached for my hand to help me up. “Let me show you something.” I sat up and knelt beside him. “Did you used to wrestle with your siblings or a good friend?”
“Um, no, I played with Barbie and worried what boys thought of me.”
Charlie burst out laughing. “Good one, Jen.” She had just called me by my nickname. Only those closest called me by that name. “Then how about this. Have you experienced a position on the floor where you found it difficult to remove yourself?”
My smile fell at his question. “Yeah,” I whispered.
“Okay, show me.” Malik didn’t miss a beat. “Let’s make sure you can escape it next time.”
I felt uncomfortable, but if the number of bruises I received weekly was going to change, I had to let go of this fear. “Like literally show you?”
I noticed Malik look over at Charlie and then back at me. “Yeah, tell me what I need to do.”
I instructed him to lie down. The moment his back touched the mat, I felt the first wave of emotions roll through my body. It wasn’t a time for tears, so I ignored them. I straddled his body and placed my hands down on both his wrists. Then I saw myself lying there, and the tears I was holding in fell one after another.
“Jenny,” Malik whispered. “We can do this another day.”
“No, I need to do this.” I lifted up and did a full upper body shake to try to rid the negative emotions flowing through me. “That’s how it is. I’m usually pinned down.” I cleared my throat and mentally tried to push the tears away. “I never know what to do, and then it’s too late. By the time I think I can escape the position, he’s got my body twisted and pinned in a different direction.”
Malik reached up and wiped a tear away. “Charlie, let’s give Jenny a few examples.” His kind gesture touched me. “Let’s have you watch this time.”
I moved my body off Malik and grabbed a towel to cover my eyes. “Hey,” Charlie said from beside my ear. “Your secret is safe with us.” I lifted my head and glanced between Malik and Charlie. “Our skills are not just for an octagon. We’re prepared to defend ourselves, too.”
“Let’s help you get to that point.” Malik reached his hand forward and then pulled it away quickly. I knew he wanted to touch me but must’ve felt the intimate gesture was too much.
I knew there was no way to fight against Ray. Even the best moves would not help me. “I can try.” I stood up. “But he’s powerful.”
5
I was feeling adventurous after going to the gym the other night. Which was not normal for me, but Charlie and Malik really helped me see the importance of training. I waited until Ray left for work and then grabbed my gym bag hidden in a trunk by the bed and made my way to the front door. Anora warned me the other night to be careful leaving the house too frequently. She made an off-hand comment about cameras in the house. The thought seemed far-fetched at first. Especially because Ray didn’t seem like the digital type.
There was a light knock at the door. I knew it was Anora by the sound. �
��You’re going again?” she said and stepped inside.
“Yeah. Why are you making it a big deal?”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because it’s still daylight out.”
I dropped my gym bag to the floor. “So, I should just stay home and continue being used as a punching bag? I need to learn to defend myself, Anora.”
She let out a heavy sigh. “Are you sure he’ll be gone all afternoon?”
“Today they have to go over quarterly finances.”
“Oh, so it’s a long night for him?” Anora pulled out her car keys. “Here. I’d feel better if you used mine instead.”
I reached for the keys in her outstretched hand. “Thank you. I love you. You know that, right?”
She placed the palm of her hand on my cheek. “I do. Be safe.”
As I drove to Fight It Out, I knew this was crazy. My husband would find out sooner or later, but maybe by that time I would be able to defend myself. I pulled into the parking lot beside the building and put the car in park. Malik was just getting out of his oversized pickup truck. He noticed me and waved.
I needed to be honest with myself. The real reason I was taking a chance by going to the gym was currently walking my way. Which was ridiculous. The fact that I was thinking about another man while still married was wrong. Yet, I couldn’t get him out of my mind.
When I had the chance to go to the gym two days in a row, Charlie pretended to be busy and Malik was forced to work with me. I didn’t complain. The problem was, I was starting to have dreams of him regularly. I had to make sure I didn’t slip up. Ray was smart. Too smart.
“Good afternoon,” Malik said and placed his hand on the hood of my car. “Are you going to need a partner today?”
“Only if you have time.”
“For you? Always.”
“Jenny.” My name was yelled from behind me. “Trying out the daytime hours?” Charlie stepped closer and kissed my cheek. “I’m available if you need help today?”
“Malik already said he would.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to hold in a laugh.
