Love Only Once

by Johanna Lindsey

  “You… admit you still want her?”

  “Want who?” he growled. “I speak of my bastardy, of course. I tried to spare you, if you will recall. I did my best to prevent your marrying a bastard.”

  “You could have changed,” she retorted hotly.

  “How do you change the circumstances of your birth?”

  “Birth?” She frowned. “What is the matter with you, Nicholas? I’m talking about your behavior. You are a bastard.”

  There was a charged pause, and then he asked, “Miriam never told you? She never revealed my black secret?”

  “What are you talking about?” Reggie asked him. “Yes, Miriam told me about your birth. She delighted in telling me. What does that have to do with anything? If you ask me, you should be glad she’s not your mother.”

  It hit him like a thunderbolt. “You mean— you don’t care?”

  “Care? Don’t be absurd,” she said. “I have two cousins who are bastards. Does that mean I love them any less? Of course it doesn’t. Your birth was no fault of yours.” She took a breath, then sailed on. “You, sir, have a mountain of faults without adding that one. I am through being only half a wife. I meant what I said. I will not stay here and watch you renew old alliances. If I see you with that woman once more, I swear I will put to good use the lessons Connie taught me and carve the two of you to pieces!”

  He wouldn’t—or couldn’t—stop laughing. It was enough to make Reggie scream. At that moment, Eleanor entered.

  “Is there a war going on in here, my dears, or is this just a family squabble?”

  “Family?” Reggie cried. “He doesn’t know he’s part of a family. He would prefer to be a bachelor. He thinks he is a bachelor.”

  Nicholas sobered. “That’s not true.”

  “You explain it to him, Ellie,” Reggie said. “Tell him it’s one way or another. He’s either a husband or he isn’t.”

  Reggie flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind her. She’d gotten no more than halfway up the stairs when his words came back to her, and she nearly stumbled. I did my best to prevent your marrying a bastard.

  She stood stock-still, staring into space. Could that be the reason for his horrible behavior? Why hadn’t she thought of that when Miriam oh-so-casually dropped the information? Did Nicholas believe she couldn’t bear being married to a bastard?

  Oh, that fool, that idiot! Reggie sat down on the stairs and her own laughter began spilling out.

  Chapter 40

  THAT evening a cold dinner was served on the back terrace in order to accommodate the croquet matches going on. Reggie brought Thomas down to enjoy the late afternoon sun. With a large blanket spread under him, he delighted in bobbing his head toward sounds that caught his interest. Every guest came by to meet the new Montieth heir.

  Only a few of Miriam’s guests would be spending another night at Silverley. Most had left that afternoon, including Selena Eddington. Whether Nicholas had spoken to her again or she had thought it prudent to leave, Reggie didn’t know.

  Pamela Ritchie came over to look at Thomas. An unhappy woman, that. If she weren’t careful, those lines of dissatisfaction would become permanent.

  Reggie hadn’t felt at all distressed when Nicholas and Anne Henslowe played in a croquet match together. They stood side by side waiting their turn and laughing together, but Reggie didn’t mind. Her attitude must, she felt, have something to do with all those grins and winks Nicholas had been giving her all afternoon. It was as if they shared a private joke, but they hadn’t said a word since coming face to face over lunch. Even so, he had only to look at her to begin chuckling.

  He was a happy man. Reggie thought she knew why, and her suspicions made her just as happy as he was.

  The sun was beginning to set, and there was a marvelous display of color. Thomas had had enough of the outdoors for one day, and was scooting around on the blanket with extra vigor, a sure sign that he was hungry.

  “It’s so peaceful out here at this time of day,” Eleanor said quietly. “I’m going to miss you and this little fellow.”

  “You’re not thinking of leaving already, are you?” Reggie asked surprised.

  “You don’t need me here anymore, my dear.” They both knew she had stayed only to help Reggie ease into her marriage. “Dicken tells me Rebecca has been nothing short of a harridan since I’ve been away. Dicken misses me, too. And, truth to tell, this long absence from Cornwall has opened my eyes.”

  “Why, Eleanor, you and Dicken are… ?” Reggie said, delighted.

  Eleanor smiled. “He has asked me to marry him many times in the last four years. I think I am finally ready to give it some serious thought.”

  “Famous! Will you let Nicholas and me do the wedding party, or will Rebecca want to?”

  “I’m afraid Rebecca will insist,” Eleanor laughed. “She has been pushing Dicken at me for ages.” Thomas squawked, demanding attention. “Want me to take him up, my dear?”

  “Not unless you can manage to feed him, too.” Reggie smiled impishly.

  “Do hurry back. Nicky has been keeping such a close eye on you all day, I’m sure he’ll go hunting for you if you’re gone long.”

  “Not as long as I know where she is,” Nicholas said, approaching from behind them. He scooped Thomas up. “So the rascal’s hungry, is he? Good God, he’s dripping, too!” He quickly held the boy away from him, and the women laughed. Reggie wrapped a smaller blanket around Thomas’ bottom. “That’s something babies tend to do, and often. Here, let me have him.”

  “No, I’ll carry him up for you.” Nicholas leaned closer, whispering for her ears alone. “Perhaps, after you’re finished with him, we might have a little time alone?”

  “My, what a pretty picture this makes,” Miriam’s hard voice intruded. “A father doting on his bastard. You Eden men make wonderful fathers, Nicholas. Too bad you’re so terribly lacking as husbands.”

  Nicholas swung around. “I will not take exception, madame. You are, naturally, upset that your well-wrought plot failed to turn out as expected.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” she replied disdainfully.

  “Don’t you? Let me thank you now, before I forget. If not for your brilliant guest list, my wife and I might still be estranged. We’re not. And we have you to thank for our reconciliation, mother.”

  Miriam’s expression mottled with fury she couldn’t contain. “I am sick to death of hearing you call me that. And, Nicholas, you don’t know just how brilliant my guest list really is,” she laughed. “I have a wonderful surprise for you. You see, your real mother is here! Isn’t that marvelous? So why don’t you make a fool of yourself by spending the rest of the evening asking every lady here if she’s the bitch who whelped you? That would be such fun.”

  Nicholas couldn’t move. He was so stunned he couldn’t even reach out to stop Miriam from walking away. Reggie’s heart twisted when she took Thomas from him, he didn’t seem to know she had done so.

  “Oh, Nicholas, don’t let her upset you,” Reggie said gently. “She only said that for spite.”

  “Did she?” The eyes that met Reggie’s were tormented. “Did she? What if she told the truth?”

  Desperate for help, Reggie turned toward Eleanor. The older woman was ashen. Reggie understood, but the need had never been greater.

  “Tell him,” she said quietly, and Ellie gasped.

  “Regina!”

  “Can’t you see? It’s time.” She grasped Thomas more tightly and waited.

  Nicholas looked from Reggie to Eleanor, misery and confusion mixed in his face.

  “Oh, Nicky, don’t hate me,” Eleanor began on a pleading note. “Miriam was being spiteful, but—but she also spoke the truth.”

  “No!” The word tore out of him. “Not you. You would have told if—”

  “I couldn’t.” Eleanor was crying. “I gave Miriam my word I would never claim you when she gave me her word she would raise you as her own.”

  “Is that w
hat you think she did?” he asked painfully. “She was never a mother to me, Ellie, even when I was a child. You were here then. You know that”

  “Yes, and I dried your tears and soothed your hurts and died a little every time. Your father didn’t want you labeled a bastard, Nicky, and I didn’t either. Miriam kept her word that she would never tell, so I had to keep mine.”

  “She told my wife. And she put me through hell,” he hissed at her.

  “She judged Regina correctly. She knew the knowledge would go no further and it hasn’t.”

  “She always threatened to let the fact be known.”

  “Only threats, Nicky.”

  “But I lived with her threats. They governed my life. Even so, I would have taken the label gladly if I could have had a real mother. Didn’t you see that when I poured out my heart to you all those years? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  The bastardy stigma wasn’t as important as this war. Both knew it. Eleanor sobbed, “Forgive me,” and ran into the house.

  Reggie placed her hand on Nicholas’ arm. “She was afraid to tell you, afraid you would hate her. Go after her, Nicholas. Listen to her calmly and let her tell you what she told me. It hasn’t been easy for her all these years either.”

  “You knew?” he asked incredulous.

  “Since I gave birth to Thomas,” she answered gently. “She was with me during labor, and she wanted me to know the real reason why you weren’t there. You see, Nicholas, I’m afraid I didn’t believe that anyone could be so foolish as to let his having been birthed on the wrong side of the blanket stop him from marrying.” She smiled up at him. “I’m sorry, but I never appreciated how much it meant to you.”

  “It doesn’t mean much anymore,” he conceded.

  “Then don’t judge her so harshly, Nicholas, and hear her out without erupting. Please.”

  He stood there looking at the house and she went on, “Not every woman has the courage to raise an illegitimate child. Look how you dealt with it, after all. You decided never to marry because you didn’t want a wife to share your burden. Do you think it’s not worse for the mother? And remember how young Eleanor was at the time.”

  “You would have done it, wouldn’t you?”

  She shrugged. “Yes, but remember we Malorys are already accustomed to having bastards in the family.”

  He grunted.

  “Go on, Nicholas. Talk to her. You’ll find she’s still the same woman who has always been your best friend. She’s been a mother to you all along. Now it’s your turn to listen to her sorrow.”

  His hand cupped her face tenderly. Thomas was squirming in her arms, and Nicholas said, “Go feed my son, madame.”

  Reggie smiled as he walked away from her, toward the house. Across the lawn, her eyes met Miriam’s and she shook her head as Miriam turned away abruptly. Would Miriam ever change?

  She rubbed her cheek against Thomas’ head and began walking toward the house. “Don’t worry, my angel, you will have so much love you will never miss hers. Just wait until you’re old enough to hear about your great-uncles. Why, one was a pirate for a while, and…”

  Chapter 41

  ELEANOR’S bedroom door was closed but Nicholas could hear heartrending sobs from inside. He opened the door soundlessly. She lay across her bed, head buried in her arms, shoulders shaking pathetically. His chest tightened painfully. He closed the door and sat down beside her, gathering her in his arms. “I’m so sorry, Ellie. I wouldn’t have made you cry, not for anything, you know that.”

  She opened golden-brown eyes shimmering with tears. Her eyes were so like his own. Lord, what a fool he was not to have recognized that before.

  “You don’t hate me, Nicky?”

  “Hate you?” he echoed. “You, who have always been my solace, the only person I could count on to love me?” He shook his head. “You can’t imagine how many times when I was small I pretended you were my real mother. Why didn’t I realize it was true?”

  “You weren’t supposed to know.”

  “I should have realized it anyhow, especially when you stopped coming here after Father died. I always wondered why you came here at all. You and Miriam barely spoke to each other. You came because of Father, didn’t you?”

  “I think you misunderstand, Nicky. Your father and I were together only once. No, I came to Silverley only to be near you. He kept the peace between Miriam and me, making it possible for me to be with you in your home. The reason I didn’t come to Silverley after he died was because you were grown. You went to sea for two years, and then you lived in London. You rarely came to Silverley yourself, remember.”

  “I couldn’t stand being with Miriam,” he said bitterly. “You saw her all this week. It’s never been any different, Ellie.”

  “You have to understand Miriam, Nicky. She never forgave me for loving Charles, and you were a constant reminder that she’d failed with him.”

  “Why the bloody hell didn’t you marry him?”

  She smiled hesitantly, a mother’s smile for a stubborn child. “Charles was twenty-one when he first came to call on Miriam. She was eighteen, and I, my dear, was only fourteen. I was unnoticeable. He was smitten with her, and I was smitten with him. Fourteen is an impressionable age, you know, and Charles was so very handsome and kind. But they were married the year they met.”

  “To everyone’s misfortune,” he said softly, “Everyone’s.” But she shook her head.

  “She loved him, Nicky, those first few years of their marriage. They were very happy. And understand this, Nicky. He never stopped loving her, no matter how difficult she was later on. Miriam was wrong about that. Eden men do make exceptional husbands, for they love only once. But Charles wanted a son, and Miriam had only miscarriages, three of them in as many years. This caused a terrible strain. She was frightened to try for the son he wanted, so she began to resent his attentions. I’m afraid fear turned her against Charles. Her love for him didn’t hold up under the strain. But he did love her.”

  “You lived here then?”

  “Yes. You were conceived here.” She lowered her eyes, even now guilty over betraying her sister. “I was seventeen years old, and I loved Charles. They had a terrible fight that day because she refused to accept him in her bed. By evening he was drunk, and it just… happened, Nicky. I’m not even sure he knew what he was doing, though I did. We both regretted it afterward and vowed that Miriam was never to know. I went home to my parents house, and Charles devoted himself to his wife.” She sighed. “Eventually Miriam might have gotten over her fear of conceiving. They might have been happy again.”

  “But I came along?”

  “Yes,” she admitted. “When I realized I was going to have a baby, I was hysterical. One fall from grace and I was pregnant. I even thought of killing myself. I couldn’t tell my parents. I made myself sick with worry. Finally, desperate, I visited Silverley to put my dilemma in Charles’ hands. Bless him, he was delighted! I couldn’t quite believe that at first, but he was. I had been thinking only of myself, of being ruined, but Charles thought first of you. It made me see how selfish I was in wanting to get rid of you. Forgive me, Nicky, but I did think that was the way out. I was young and terrified, and girls of good families did not have children out of wedlock.”

  He hugged her to him. “Of course, Ellie. I understand.”

  “Well,” she went on, “Charles wanted you. He was willing to destroy his marriage to have you. He might have done things differently except for Miriam’s three miscarriages. He wasn’t sure she would ever give him a child. And there I was, three months pregnant.”

  “So Miriam was told.” He knew that much.

  “She was shocked, of course. She couldn’t believe her own sister would do such a thing. How she hated me from that day on! And she hated Charles, too, never forgiving him. Finally she came to hate you, the only innocent person in the whole mess. She was never the same again, Nicky. Her deepest bitterness was that I’d been able to give Charles the son he wanted. She felt
she had failed him, but she blamed him, and me, for interfering before she had a chance to try again. Her bitterness became a monster over the years. Miriam wasn’t always the way she is now. I am to blame, for I could have stopped Charles the night you were conceived. I could have, but I didn’t.”

  “For God’s sake, Ellie, you already said she had stopped loving him by then.”

  “I know, but she might have gone back to loving him.” After a long, thoughtful silence, she resumed. “We were sisters, remember. That did count for something. She even forgot her resentment during those long hours when I was in labor, for it was a difficult labor, and she thought I might die. I was able to get her to swear then that she would never publicly disclaim you. I hoped she would love you, but even then I was afraid she wouldn’t. So I made her swear, and she did. But she made me swear that I would never tell you I was your mother. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I’d taken a vow, so I couldn’t. And after your father died, Rebecca warned me to leave it alone.”