by Katy Kaylee
“Zac, she’s my best friend. I have to go.”
Zac pursed his lips and nodded. “Okay, let’s go.”
He led me to his car, the one which actually worked, and had a fully functioning engine, and we climbed inside. The garage door opened and we drove to the hospital. About halfway there, a thought occurred to me and I glanced at Zac.
“I know you’re worried about Alice, but we need to figure out what were going to say to her,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“We’re both in the same car. Wouldnt that strike her as weird?” I asked.
“I got the call, I called you, I picked you up at home and we drove together,” Zac shrugged. nonchalantly.
I glanced at him and wondered how he could be so calm and collected, but the flicker in his eyes showed me that inwardly he was freaking out as much as I was.
I hoped that Alice was okay, and started blaming myself a little. She had called me to ask whether I wanted to go clubbing with her, and was a bit disappointed when I told her that I wasn't feeling well. I had lied to my best friend to cover up the fact that I was sleeping with her brother.
“This is all my fault,” I said bluntly.
“How is it your fault?” he asked.
“She wanted to go out tonight and I told her I wasn't feeling well. I lied to her, Zac. If I hadn’t then this would have never happened,” I said.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Liv. It’s not your fault. It would have probably still happened whether you were with her or not, okay?” Zac assured me.
I bit my bottom lip and to my surprise, Zac placed his hand over mine and squeezed it lightly. He stopped the car at a red light and glanced at me.
“It’s not your fault, okay,” he repeated.
I nodded slowly and took a deep breath, his hand still on mine, and I couldn't help but notice the frantic way my heart pounded in my chest.
I had never thought of Zac as boyfriend material before, but the way he looked at me at that very moment made me reconsider everything I had ever known about him. He looked relieved in a sense that I wasn't in the car with Alice, but also worried about his sister, which practically made my insides melt. His touch was warm against mine, his skin setting mine ablaze. His eyes were fixed on mine, and I was desperate for him to kiss me again, but he didn’t. He kept staring at me, and as I opened my mouth to say something – anything – a car horn blared behind us. Zac’s hand darted away from mine and I was left feeling cold and empty.
The light had turned green and we were pissing other motorists off by standing in the middle of the lane with no intention of crossing.
Maybe that was what I should have done in the first place, but unfortunately I had already crossed the line, not only with him, but with myself.
Zac
I glanced at Alice in the rearview mirror and my jaw clenched. My little sister was pretty banged after the accident, with bruises on her face and shoulders, a blue cast on her left arm from her knuckles to just below her elbow, but seemed unfazed as she stared out the window. It must have been the strong medication they had given her at the hospital.
The sun was about to rise, casting an orange glow
After Liv and I arrived at the hospital, we talked with the doctor who had operated on her. IT turned out that Alice was in a taxi, when the driver swerved out for a car who ran a red light. The taxi smashed into a metal railing before flipping over onto its roof. Luckily the driver was fine, since he was wearing his seatbelt. Alice on the other hand wasn’t, and she got beat up by the impact, hitting her head against the inside of the car, and the window, and breaking her arm in two places. She was taken for scans which showed she didn't have any internal injuries, but she did have a concussion. The doctor advised us that she needed to be supervised for at least forty-eight hours, so that meant that one of us would have to stay with her.
I pursed my lips and shifted my gaze to Liv, who sat beside Alice on the back seat. Her eyes met mine for a brief moment before she turned to look at Alice.
“Alice, how are you feeling?” I asked, my eyes still focused on Liv.
“I’m good,” she answered, sounding drunk and high. “I feel great actually.”
“The doctor said that you need to be under observation for 2 days,” Liv said.
“What does that mean?” she muttered.
“It means,” I interjected, “that you’re coming to stay with me for two days.”
“As fun as that sounds, I’d rather sleep in my own bed, where I know whose body fluids are on my sheets,” Alice muttered.
I noticed Liv biting her lower lip and I glanced at the road in front of me. “Or, you can stay at Liv’s place.”
“No offense to both of you, especially you, Liv,” Alice said and glanced at Liv, “but I like my apartment.”
“None taken, Alice. We can stay with you.”
“Like a sleepover?” Alice asked, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
“Yes, like a sleepover.”
“Like the ones we used to have as kids?” she asked.
“Sure,” I answered, “I’ll even annoy the two of you like the good old days.”
“As opposed to now?” Alice muttered.
Liv suppressed a smile and glanced out the window.
I drove to Alice’s apartment and the three of us went inside. The sun was out when we eventually got Alice inside, as she was like a drunk person refusing to go to bed. Liv made a quick phone call and I sat with Alice on the couch.
Liv was in the kitchen, and as much as I wanted to go to her, I couldn't. We were here to look after Alice. There were so many things that I wanted to say to Liv, but this wasn't the right time.
While we sat in the hospital waiting room earlier, I couldn't help but wonder what could have happened to Alice. She was my sister, and one of the most important people in my life. Sure, I liked to annoy her, but I loved her to death. I would do anything for her and would kick anyone’s ass if they treated her any way they weren't supposed to.
Sitting there in the waiting room had made me feel so helpless, and it reminded me of all the times I had been there when my mother was sick. The hopeless and helpless feelings had never gone away, and came bubbling up to the surface. I wasn't ready to lose someone close to me again.
Especially not Alice. She had looked so small in the hospital bed and all I wanted to do was hold her tightly against me, protect her from the world.
The expression on Liv’s face made everything worse though. I knew she blamed herself, regardless of our conversation in the car, or anything I could have said to her while we were waiting. I didn't say anything, since I was in turmoil myself.
It made me feel guilty that I didn't do or say anything to make her feel better, or less guilty, but there was nothing I could do.
A terrifying thought occurred to me as well. What if Liv had been in the car with Alice, instead of with me?
Would it have ended the same? Or worse?
I shrugged off that feeling as quickly as it entered my mind. I didn't even want to think about anything happening to Liv. I knew what was happening to me, and it scared me to death.
I was falling for Liv, but I had to stop myself from feeling too much for her. She only saw me as someone who showed her the way to being a sexual person. In two weeks, she wouldn't need me anymore, and then I can go on with my life. I didn't want to complicate my life any more than it already was. A girlfriend was the last thing I wanted, or needed in my life for that matter.
Teagan absolutely shredded my heart into unrecognizable pieces and there was no possible way that anyone could be able to put it back together.
Not even Liv.
Liv came out of the kitchen, holding two cups of coffee and handed one to me and one to Alice.
“Thank you, Liv,” Alice muttered and breathed in the hot coffee smell.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
Liv shrugged her shoulders and took Alice’s medication out, placing it down on the counte
r. “Alice, I called your boss and told her what happened. She send her well wishes, and I’ll go over to the store to drop off the letter from the hospital.”
“Thank you, Liv.”
“It’s my pleasure,” Liv said and sat down beside her. “I’m just glad that you’re okay.”
Her voice broke and tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Why are you crying?” Alice asked and put her good arm around Liv’s shoulders.
“I’m sorry I wasn't there with you.”
“It’s okay, Liv. I’m okay. A little busted up, but I’m fine,” Alice insisted. “And you don’t have to be sorry, or apologize. These things happen.”
Liv took a deep breath, nodded and hugged Alice. “I love you so much,” she whispered.
“I love you too, Liv. Thank you for everything,” Alice said and loosened her embrace. She turned to me and smiled. “You too, Zac. I’m really lucky to have the two of you in my life.”
“You’re welcome,” I said to her.
Liv bit her bottom lip and exhaled. She reached over to the boxes of medication and removed three tablets from them. “Drink these now. They’ll take some of the pain away, and make you sleep for a while.”
“You’ll b here when I wake up, right, Liv?” Alice asked.
Liv glanced at me briefly and said, “I have to get to work, Alice, but Zac will be here all day. I’ll come over after work and I’ll make us dinner. Whatever you want, okay?”
“Promise?”
“I promise,” Liv said softly.
Alice smiled painfully and nodded.
Liv stood from the couch and after a few seconds, I stood as well.
“Where are you going?” Alice asked. “You’re not leaving me, are you?”
“I just need to talk to Liv. She looks upset.”
“You noticed that too, huh?” she answered. “Go talk to her, and tell her I’m not mad, and that it’s not her fault.”
“I will, sis.”
Upon entering the kitchen, Liv stood with her back to me, crying over the sink. When she heard me come in, she straightened her shoulders and turned to me.
“Hey, it wasn't your fault,” I said softly.
She glanced up at me, her brown eyes filled with tears, and without even thinking about it, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and held her while she cried in my arms.
In all the time I had known Liv, I had never seen her as emotional and vulnerable than she was in this moment, and it was terrifying that she had put her trust in me at that moment. In her pain and sadness, she had allowed me to hug her, to hold her and to comfort her. No defiance, no resistance.
“It’s not your fault,” I whispered to her again and kissed the top of her head, which I had to admit was a little out of line, but it was in the moment, and it had swept all the cards off the table.
I wasn't sure how long we stood there in the kitchen, and it didn't even matter if Alice had to see us, because I knew that she would understand.
Liv blamed herself for not being with Alice, and although Alice didn't know that Liv had lied to her, she still knew what an impact the accident had made on her best friend.
Liv’s sobs softened and she pulled out of my embrace slowly.
Again, without thinking, I wiped the tears from her cheeks and she glanced up at me. The raw emotion in her eyes made my heart ache, as if I felt the pain she felt.
I did.
She took a deep breath and slowly stepped away from me. “I have to get going,” she said in a small voice. “Will you be okay here with her?”
“I’ll be fine. We all will. You get to work and I’ll look after her. I’m used to it by now. I’ve had years of practice.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
She lingered for a moment longer than what was needed and frowned at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she shrugged, but clearly it wasn't nothing.
“Tell me, Liv.”
“Really, it’s nothing.”
“You’re a horrible liar,” I pointed out and crossed my arms.
“This is not the time to talk about this,” she said.
“Talk about what?”
“What happened at the garage, and in the car,” she said slowly.
I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had kissed her, and not in the usual sexual way. The kiss in the garage, right before the hospital called, was different. It was meaningful.
I had thought that it was only meaningful to me, but clearly it meant more to Liv, since it seemed to bother her enough to mention it.
And in the car, when I held her hand longer than what was deemed necessary.
It had an effect on her, and I was glad about it, because that made me feel like there was actually hope for us, but I didn't want to push it.
Especially not now.
Not when we were both vulnerable and overwhelmed by what had happened.
The best thing that I could possibly do now was take a step back, and wait for her – and myself – to calm down. Emotions were high right now, and I didn't want to say anything that I might regret later.
“I think that we were just caught up in the moment,” I lied. “You know, with everything that happened with Alice and-”
“But that was before we got the call,” Liv said to me and leaned against the counter. “What did happen in the garage, Zac?”
“I told you, we were caught up in the moment.”
A wave of disappointment appeared on her wave, and her brown eyes didn't seem as bright and warm anymore. Her gaze lowered and she sighed. “Right.”
“Did I upset you or something?” I asked her.
“No, I’m fine.”
But she wasn’t. I saw it clearly in her eyes and it was written all over her face. She was disappointed. What did she want me to say? That it wasn’t a mistake? That is was more than just being caught up in a moment which may or may not have led to something else?
Was it because I was terrified of telling her how I thought I felt about her? Was it because I was terrified of being rejected by the first woman I had felt anything for since Teagan? Or was it just because I was too chicken-shit to admit that I had feelings for her in the first place?
I could have answered all those questions, told her exactly what was on my mind, and that the kiss was intentional, but I didn't. I stood there, like a complete fucking idiot and said nothing.
She sighed again, which made me feel even worse and shrugged her shoulders. “I better get going then,” she said, and glanced at me expectantly, and I knew I had to say something.
There were moments in our lives where the moments arrived where we were required to say what was in our hearts, spilling the profound thoughts we had in our minds, truly expressing how we feel. We rehearsed it to ourselves so many times, waiting for the perfect moment to send those words out into the world.
This was one of those moments, but I didn't have the words. Or should I say I didn't have the balls to say it to her.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
She winced slightly, her lips curving in all the wrong ways. “Me too.”
With those words, which left a bitter taste in my mouth, she turned away and left the apartment. I lowered my gaze and my shoulders slumped. The front door of Alice’s apartment slammed shut, but I just stayed there in the kitchen, frozen on the spot.
I wasn't sure how long I stood there, but I heard footstep coming down the hallway and I turned to the wide archway. Alice, wrapped in her favorite blanket, stood in the doorway and cocked her head at me.
“Are you okay, Zac?” she asked in a soft voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said and ran my fingers through my hair.
“You don’t look fine,” she said shakily.
“Neither do you,” I pointed.
“I never said I was fine,” she shot back at me.
“You should lay down,” I said. “Have you taken your medication?”
“Yes, dad,”
she muttered and rolled her eyes. “I just wanted to know if you were okay, and if Liv was okay. She seemed upset when she left. She usually doesn't slam the door so hard.”
“Liv’s just a little emotionally overwhelmed right now, and tired, so it’s not a good combination,” I answered and she looked at me with a frown. “I’ve noticed that about her. She’s not herself when she’s tired, and neither are you.”
I walked up to Alice, turned her around and led her to her bedroom. She plopped down on her bed and glanced up at me.
“Something’s bothering you,” she said slowly. “I can see it in your face.”
“Nothing is wrong,” I said and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I was just scared today. You were in an accident, I could have lost you.”
Alice smiled slowly and placed her hand on mine. “You’re the best big brother, ever,” she murmured.
“Get some sleep, okay? I’ll be here if you need me.”
“Okay,” she whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” I said and squeezed her hand as I watched her sink into a deep, medication-induced sleep.
Olivia
Today was a tough day at work. I kept checking my phone for any messages from either Alice, or Zac, which was very unnatural to me. I had explained to Dr. Marx what had happened to Alice and even though he told me that I could take a few days off, I insisted that I was fine. Besides, Zac was there, and although I hated to admit it, I couldn't take it being in the same room as him. For the time being of course.
I had felt so incredibly rejected this morning in Alice’s kitchen by Zac, that it left me feeling worthless and hurt. I had promise myself that I wasn't going to allow anyone to make me feel that way again. I didn't expect that from him, not after the time we had spent together, but I guess I was wrong. I clearly misread the signals he sent out to me, or maybe I was just hoping that he would see me as more than just his little sister’s annoying best friend.
Clearly, by the way he just stood there and didn't say anything, that was exactly what it was. I tried so hard not to cry, but on the way to the dental surgery, I just broke down in the taxi. The poor driver didn't know what to do, or what to say. He even offered to give me my ride for free, which I politely declined as I stuffed a few bills in his hand, walking away before he could get out of his car. Luckily it was rush hour traffic, and he was forced to keep on driving.
