by Katy Kaylee
Wilma noticed my reddened eyes as soon as I walked in through the door and followed me around like a shadow, offering me tea and her famous chocolate chip cookies to cheer me up. No matter how much I tried though, I knew nothing could cheer me up, not even those chocolatey goodies.
After every patient, Dr. Marx asked me how I was doing, and he really did look really concerned. He even gave me a few minutes to check my phone for any messages, which was more of a compulsion problem at the end of the day.
I knew he was worried about me, so was Wilma, but I put on a brave face and kept my chin up. Besides, they didn't know the real reason behind my tears and heartache.
I didn't want to admit it, but Zac’s rejection hit me harder than I thought it would, despite knowing that our arrangement was strictly sex, nothing more and nothing less.
I knew that I had been rather naive to think that I wouldn’t develop feelings for him, or that he would develop feelings for me. I had known what this arrangement entailed, yet I was stupid enough to think that I could have sex with him without feeling anything.
Boy, was I fucking wrong.
When the day ended, I quickly went to my apartment, stuffed some clothes and toiletries into my backpack and headed back to Alice’s apartment.
I used my spare key and went inside. I found Alice passed out on the couch, with a reality television show -which was Alice’s favorite thing to watch – in the background. I walked up to the couch, and pulled the blanket, which had started to slide off her, back over her shoulder, covering her entire body. The bruises on her face were already beginning to lighten, and I glanced at her for a moment. I heard the kettle boil in the kitchen and heard the clattering of cups. I slowly walked into the kitchen and saw Zac making coffee.
Scraping together all my courage and sticking my pride in my pocket, I said, “Hey.”
He turned to me abruptly and smiled. “Hey. I was wondering when you were coming.”
“I had to grab a few things at my place. Keep myself occupied,” I shrugged. “How did everything go here?”
“It was perfectly fine. I know how to take care of my sister, you know,” he answered.
“I know. I was just asking,” I muttered.
I turned away, but Zac grabbed my hand, causing me to whirl around and face him.
“Are you mad at me or something?” he asked.
“Why would I be mad at you?” I asked rather indifferently.
“I’ve known you a really long time, and I know when you’re upset.”
‘You don’t know anything about me,’ was what I wanted to say to him, but it wasn't the time to be petty. “My best friend in the whole world was in a car accident, I spent the whole night in the hospital waiting room not knowing exactly what had happened or whether she would be okay. I hadn't slept for at least forty hours, had a miserably day at work, cried every five minutes, and I am tired as fuck, so excuse me for not being my usual cheerful self,” I blurted out and glared at him in annoyance. “Now please, would you kindly let go of my arm?”
His hand released my arm and I could feel his gaze on me as I left the kitchen. As I entered the hallway, I heard him follow me and I whirled around. “Could you please stop?”
“Look I am sorry you had a tough day. I didn't realize that it was so hard for you,” he said, his green eyes filled with remorse and sincerity. So much so that I almost believed him.
“Alice is my best friend, Zac. She’s like my unbiological sister. It was just hard to think about what she had been through. I guess that it all just got to me, being worried about her, not getting enough sleep, and being worried about you.”
“Why on Earth would you be worried about me?” he asked.
I pursed my lips and pretended that I wasn't able to see through his bullshit tough guy facade. “She’s your sister, and I know how you feel about her,” I answered, and crossed my arms. “You’re not as tough as you pretend to be. I know you’re just as upset about what happened with Alice than I am. You don't have to pretend to be such a tough guy. At least not to me, because I know you’re not. You love your sister, and you have every right to be upset and overwhelmed by it all.”
“I’m fine, really.”
“Right.”
“And about what happened with us, at the garage and in the car, I overstepped my boundaries, as well as yours. We knew what we were getting into and I don't want stupid feelings to get in the way of-”
“Of what we had arranged?”
“Yes, exactly,” he said, but it was the wrong thing to say to me. I didn't want him to say that..
Or maybe it was the right thing to say, the thing I needed to hear at that moment to snap me out of my stupid and very ridiculous daydream that the Zac Morgan would be interested in me in any way except sexual. He was getting a kick out of it, getting laid and given blowjobs, but that was all I was to him. A means of satiety.
I suddenly felt cheap, like a five dollar slut on the corner of downtown Los Angeles, and I only had myself to blame.
“Yeah, okay. It doesn't matter anyway,” I shrugged hoping that he would just leave it at that.
He pursed his lips for a moment, but as he was about to say something, his phone rang.
“You better get that,” I muttered, turned and continued down the hallway to the guest bedroom where I would normally sleep when I spent the night at Alice’s. Some nights we dragged our mattresses out into the living room and camped out in front of the television watching scary movies, which kept us awake until sunrise.
I didn't even listen to his conversation, because I didn't care anymore. When I re-entered the living room, I noticed him grabbing his keys and approached me.
“I have to go.”
His words were like knife in my chest, and I felt myself bleed out within an instant. Even though he didn't say where he was going, it was written all over his face.
“Duty calls, right?” I said and pushed passed him.
“Liv, wait a minute-”
“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Zac,” I said and threw my hands up in the air.
“Come on, Liv. Don’t be like this.”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” I muttered, turning away from him. “You should get going.”
I knew I was being childish and irrational, and had absolutely no right to be. I just couldn't help feel jealous at the though of him spending the night with another woman, who was richer, prettier and more experienced than I was. I knew we agreed to a no-strings relationship – if you can even call it that at all – but I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. I am not allowed to be mad or jealous, he wasn't my boyfriend or anything like that. He had made that perfectly clear with his words, or the lack thereof.
I glanced at him, silently pleading with him not to go, but it didn't matter. None of it did, because he turned to the door, and left.
“Liv?” I heard Alice call me from the couch and I walked over to her.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, and I could clearly see those painkillers and anti-inflammatory tablets were hitting her hard. Her eyes were foggy, as was her mind and her speech slurred a little. It reminded me of one year we went down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, where we partied too hard and drank too much. It was fun, until we vomited all over each other, and the cab. The driver wasn’t amused at all, which was understandable, but it was good fun over all.
“Yeah, everything is fine,” I said to her and ran my fingers through her hair.
“Where’s Zac?”
“It’s just you and me tonight,” I said with a forced smile, attempting to try and forget about Zac for the time being. It was just causing me too much distress which I didn't need in my life.
Alice laid her head on my lap and glanced up at the ceiling. “Where do you think he goes?”
“I have no idea. Maybe he’s a hitman,” I shrugged.
“Wouldnt that be cool?” Alice mumbled. “Do you think he had a gun?”
“If he’
s a hitman, sure. He probably keeps them locked away in one of those messy rooms at his place.”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I cringed. Luckily, Alice was so high that even if she heard what I said, she’d probably not remember anything we talked about.
“You know, after my mom died, Zac was a mess,” Alice muttered, but I didn't say a word. “He and my mom were really close. He was a real momma’s boy. Can you believe that? He’d do anything for her, and it was annoying, but sweet, you know?”
“Yeah,” I said quietly.
“He really loved her, we all did, but he was the one who was hurt the most by her death. He also never truly got over it. He just started hanging out with the wrong people and doing the wrong things. He had changed so much that I didn't even recognize him any more,” Alice said, staring at the ceiling.
“Pain changes people, Alice. You of all people should know that.”
“I do, but he wasn't the only one who lost her. I lost her too, and so did my dad.”
“Pain is different for everyone.”
She glanced up at me and frowned. “You’re really profound tonight. For someone who finds my brother annoying, you sure have a funny way of showing it.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I just want him to be happy, but I don’t think he’s ever going to let his guard down again, especially not after what Teagan did to him.”
“Teagan?”
“His ex-girlfriend. She used him for his money, not that he had a lot to start off with. She made him buy her expensive things out of guilt or obligation, but when he couldn't buy her any more stuff, she dumped him. He was devastated.”
My jaw dropped as I listened to Alice tell me about what Zac had been through with his ex-girlfriend and I felt really bad for being so snippy with him. He was hurting and felt worthless, and I probably just made it worse for him.
“I had no idea,” I whispered and Alice glanced up at me, her eyes swimming in her sockets.
“You know, there’s no woman in this whole world who is worthy of Zac. No-one will ever be good enough for my brother, Liv. I want him to happy, sure, but he’s a complicated guy, and girls will never understand him like I do,” Alice said with a sigh. “When my mom died, I promised that I would look after him, even if I was the younger sibling. He’ll always be my brother and I would take a bullet for him. I really would.”
“I know you would, Alice, and he would take one for you as well.”
She sighed and said, “He thinks I hate him.”
“Why would he think that?” I asked.
“Because I told him that,” she said. “He got in a fight with my dad the one night, and held him by the neck. I was so scared he was going to kill him. I couldn't lose my dad too, Liv.”
I stared down at her, a tear running down my cheek. I didn't even know all this and it broke my heart to hear her say all these things.
“When he finally let go of my dad, he took his stuff and left. I remember running out on the front lawn, begging him to come back inside, but he didn't want to. Then I told him that I hated him for tearing out family apart. I didn't mean it. I don't hate him. He’s my brother. I could never hate him,” she said flatly.
“You should tell him that. I’m sure he’d appreciate it if you told him,” I suggested.
“I think I will,” she whispered and closed her eyes. “Thanks for being here, Liv.”
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be but here with you,” I said to her.
“I love you, Liv,” she whispered before falling into a deep sleep.
“I love you, too Alice,” I said, my voice breaking slightly.
I spent about ten minutes sitting there, watching Alice sleep, and grabbed my phone. I texted Zac with a simple message, and hoped that he wouldn't read too much into it.
Olivia
Tears streamed down my cheeks as the final credits rolled across the television screen. It was a Wednesday afternoon, but instead of being at work, I had taken a few day off, just to have some time to myself. I still hadn't received a text back from Zac that he wanted to talk to me too, and it was discouraging to me. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe we weren't supposed to feel anything for each other, because it would just complicate everything. Alice would kill us both, and never talk to either of us again, but I just couldn't help to feel sad and heartbroken, hence the heartbreaking movie I just watched.
Maybe I just needed an excuse to cry my eyes out, because my reason seemed stupid. I was crying over a guy who didn't even know how I felt about him. I didn't even know how I felt about him, but when he left Alice’s apartment after he got a call to go escort another woman, the anger and jealousy took hold of me like I never thought it would. I was being really stupid and couldn't believe that I had allowed Zac to make me feel so miserable, or made me feel at all.
A sudden knock from the front door made me whirl around on the couch and I stared at the door for a few seconds.
Who the hell could that be? I wasn't expecting anyone to show up at my apartment,, especially not during the day.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks and under my eyes and jumped up from the couch when the knocking started again. I glanced through the peephole in the door and froze.
Zac stood on the other side of the door.
My eyes widened and I stepped away from the door.
“Liv, I know you’re in there.”
I pursed my lips but didn't do anything.
“I can hear the television, and I can see your shadow through the door.”
I silently scolded myself and opened the door.
Zac stood in front of me, his hands dug into the front pocket of his jeans and he looked at me with worry in his eyes. “You’ve been crying.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Your text said you wanted to talk,” he said simply.
“That was three days ago. When I didn't get a reply from you, I figured you didn't want to.”
“I thought it was mandatory,” he shrugged.
“Where’s Alice?” I asked.
“She’s at home. I took her to the doctor this morning, she had a scan and the swelling has gone down a lot so she’s not at risk anymore. She does need to rest a while, but she doesn't need the constant supervision.”
“I’m glad she’s okay.”
“Me too,” he said. “Are you going to let me stand out here the whole day?”
I glared at him for a few seconds and stepped aside. “Come on in.”
“Thank you,” he said and stepped inside the apartment. “So why were you crying?”
“I watched a stupidly sad movie,” I shrugged as he walked into the living area.
“Why do you women always do that? Those kinds of movies only make you feel worse,” he pointed out.
“I didn't want you to come over and talk about my choice in movies, Zac,” I said and crossed my arms.
“Then what do you want to talk about?” he asked and turned to me.
“The other night at Alice’s apartment. I was actin like a stupid hysterical woman and I just wanted to clarify that everything is good between us. I don’t you to be angry with me, and I don’t want to be angry with you. I just want things to go back to normal. I’m sick of arguing and all that.”
“I was never angry with you, Liv,” he said to me. “Look, there are things you don’t know about me which I’ve never told anyone and being with you, it...”
“It what?” I asked, my heart pounding in my chest.
“It terrifies me to share things with people. It’s a personal thing and people don’t understand me.”
“I know how you feel. I’m terrified too,” I whispered and slowly approached him.
“Why are you terrified?” he asked.
“Because when I’m with you, I lose all control, and I feel like a new person, like the person I had been repressing my entire life.”
“Is that a good thing?” he asked.
“It’s the best thing th
at has ever happened to me,” I admitted.
Zac glanced at me intently, his eyes fixed on me and I took one last step towards him, closing the gap between our bodies. I pursed my lips briefly, gathered up all my courage and grabbed the collar of his shirt. I pulled him up against me and I kissed him.
Like the kiss we had in the garage, this one was filled with much more than just the foreplay to sex. There was something that pulled us both in, in a way that was hard to explain. Everything that I had been through in the past week melted away as he wrapped my arms around me and kissed me back, his lips tasting sweet against mine. The warmth of his hands as they slid underneath my shirt made me shiver but I silently willed him not to stop. I wanted him to touch every inch of my body, and I wanted to be consumed by him once again.
He grabbed my hips and scooped me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He moved over to the couch, which was still covered in the blankets I had wrapped myself in while wallowing in misery.
As Zac laid me down on the blankets, they now felt soft and comforting against my burning skin. I pulled my shirt off, dropping it down to the floor before slipping Zac’s t-shirt over his head. I ran my fingers along his chiseled abs, making my heart pound even wilder in my chest. The desire for him had built up so quickly that I was unable to contain it.
He kissed me again, pressing himself up against me until I felt as though I was going to combust. My breathing was ragged, as was his and the urgency to feel him inside me was clear as daylight.
He sat upright and I raised my hips off the couch. He slid my shorts off easily and started to kiss my stomach, traveling all the way down to my inner thighs.
I moaned against the pillow of my couch as I felt Zac’s thumb press down on the fabric of my panties, right against my clit.
“Oh, god,” I moaned and looked at him.
“You like that?” he asked with a grin.
“You know I do,” I panted.
