by Katy Kaylee
“you’re wrong, just like I was wrong about you. You haven't changed at all, and yet again my heart is broken,” she said as she threw my stuff on the ground, stepped inside the apartment and slammed the door in my face.
I deserved it.
Olivia
The following week passed by excruciatingly slow and painful, and I hadn't felt so lonely and isolated in my life. Alice refused to return my calls, and I was refusing to return any of Zac’s calls. Although it was stubborn and childish of me to give him a chance to explain, or say whatever he wanted to say so desperately, I was hurt. Hearing the words he said to Alice that I meant nothing to him hit me harder than I ever thought it would. It hurt like a million arrows penetrating straight through my heart, and my entire body. I couldn't breath, or function properly after that night, but I refused to allow it to get me down. I had survived and overcome worse in my life – which was tragic and motivational at the same time – so I knew that I would come to terms with this whole fiasco.
Not only did I lose my best friend – or it felt that way to me – I lost the first guy that I had ever felt so strongly about that not a moment passed when I didn't think of him.
I lost him, but then again, he wasn't really mine to start off with. He clearly didn't feel the same way about me, as he told Alice that I meant nothing to him. It was a shock to my system, but at least I knew now where exactly I stood with him.
In a way this was exactly what I had wanted, to gain more sexual experience with someone who had the relevant expertise, but I never dreamt that I would actually fall in love with Zac Morgan, my best friend’s older brother. I had known what our relationship entailed and I had been the one who initiated it in the first place. I was to blame for my own heartache, again, and this time I was determined to pick myself up off the ground and carry on with my life.
It was difficult though. Everywhere I looked in my apartment, I saw Zac there, and I even smelled his cologne long after he was gone. His UCLA t-shirt had stayed behind at my apartment, but I didn't want to give it back to him, because that meant I would have to see him again.
Step one to the road to recovery was avoidance. Well, it was according to me, and although some people might think that was an unhealthy thing to do, I was okay with it.
Exactly a week after this whole mess exploded in my apartment, and outside my building, I had finally built up the courage to go to Alice’s apartment to talk to her. I had rehearsed what I wanted to say to her so many times that I thought I’d remember it without even thinking about it.
As soon as I stopped in front of her door, raising my hand to knock on the wood, my mind went a complete blank.
The sheer fear and terror of losing my childhood friend shook me to my core, but I was adamant to talk things over with her. Even if I had to beg her to forgive me, I was willing to do just that. When we were young we promised that nothing and no-one would ever come between us, especially not a guy. Who knew that it would be Zac?
I had to admit, not having him in my life anymore sucked, but I knew it was for the best. Having in my life just complicated everything, and I was done with complicated.
I took a deep breath and knocked on Alice’s door, hoping she was in a far better mood than she was a week ago.
Maybe time didn't heal all wounds, or wounded pride for that matter.
I waited outside in the hallway, not being in the least surprised that she didn't answer her door, and as I raised my hand to knock again, I heard shuffling inside the house, so I knocked again.
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” I heard her mutter inside the apartment.
The door opened and Alice glared at me, as if she had expected me.
“What do you want?” she asked coldly.
“Can I talk to you, please?”
“Well, you’re already here,” she muttered and turned away, walking into the kitchen.
I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I walked into the living area, and turned to her.
“I lied to you, and that was wrong. I knew it then but I still did it.”
“Why, Liv? Why did you lie to me? You’re supposed to be my best friend. You could have told me that you wanted to lose virginity and get some sexual experience or whatever.”
“I know I could have, it’s just that...” My voice trailed and I sighed. “I’ve always envied you for being so experienced and confident with yourself. You’re not awkward or anything like me, and you don’t know exactly how lucky you are being that way.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she muttered and crossed her arms.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not as confident as you think I am, you know. And being sexually experienced isn't all it’s cut out to be,” Alice sighed. “Guys think you’re easy and girls think you’re a slut.”
“People don’t think that,” I said.
“I’m not stupid, or blind, or deaf, or oblivious. I hear people talk and see the way they look at me. People don’t judge you.”
“Of course they do. Do you even know the horrible things people say to me when I walk past them in a shirt that’s maybe just a little too tight? Or the remarks I get when I wear my skinny jeans. It’s not easy being fat, you know.”
“You’re not fat, Liv. You’re curvy, and beautiful, and I wished I was you for as long as I could remember,” Alice admitted.
I frowned and approached her, my arms feeling heavy as they dangled at my sides. I didn't know what to say, and I never even knew she felt this way. “Alice, that’s ridiculous.” I finally said.
“I know, right,” Alice said and rolled her eyes.
“Alice, I’m really sorry that I lied to you. I was just ashamed of what you might think of me if I told you that I went to an agency to lose my virginity,” I said to her. “And I’m sorry that it had to be Zac. It was never my intention to hurt you or upset you, although in the end it did. I just hope that you can forgive me, because you’re my best friend and I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don't want to lose you either, Liv. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
“Can I just ask something?” Alice asked.
“Of course.”
“You’re not in love with my brother, are you?” Alice asked.
I glanced at her and knew that even though I didn't want to admit it, I had to tell her the truth. “I thought I was, but I mistook desire for love. I was so caught up in the physical stuff that it clouded my mind and made that I think I was in love,” I admitted. “But you were right about Zac. I should’ve just stayed away from him. He just complicated everything. You are welcome to say ‘I told you so’, because I totally deserve it.”
“You’re my best friend, Liv. What kind of a friend would I be if I said something like that to you?”
“A truthful one,” I answered.
“And a bitchy one,” she added and smiled slightly. “I am not upset with the idea of you and Zac, Liv. It was just because you and him, you’re the only people I can really talk to, and depend on. I think I just felt that you two were excluding me. I always thought that you two would end up together, one way or the other, so it didn't surprise me. It was just the way you two were sneaking around behind my back.”
“Well, I hate to disappoint you, but there was nothing really between us. It was just a stupid arrangement made by a desperate person who wanted to feel better about herself,” I muttered and ran my fingers through my hair.
“Did it work?”
I glanced at Alice and shook my head. “No, I just feel worse. I betrayed my best friend and myself in the process. It was a total fail.”
“I’m sorry, Liv.”
I sighed again and forced a smile, trying to stay optimistic. “On the bright side, you can arrange that blind date now.”
“No,, I can’t do that. YOu’re still pretty upset with this thing with Zac and I wouldn't want to make it worse.”
“You can’t possibly make it worse, Ali
ce,” I frowned.
“Are you sure you’re not in love with him?”
“Even if I was, it wouldn't matter.”
“Why would you say that?” Alice said.
“Because he doesn't feel anything for me. You heard what he said,” I muttered and my eyes widened. “This sucks.”
“Apparently it does,” Alice said and walked up to me. “It’s okay, you know. Being in love sucks, especially if the other person doesn't feel the same.”
“You’re being awfully calm about this,” I said and gave her a sideways glance.
“Well, it was one thing you sleeping with my brother, but it’s quite another thing for you to be in love with him.”
“Like I said, Alice, it doesn't matter. The best thing for me to do is just go on with my life and pretend it never happened,” I said.
“Are you sure you can do that?” Alice asked.
I shrugged and said with a defeated sigh, “I don't really have a choice.”
Alice pouted slightly and put her arms around me. It felt good to be hugged by my best friend, and to know that we were okay. I couldn't even imagine what I’d do if we weren't friends anymore.
“I’m sorry for only apologizing to you now,” I whispered through my tears.
“And I’m sorry that I didn't answer your calls.”
“It’s okay,” we both said at the same time and glanced at one another with a giggle.
“I love you, Liv,” she smiled at me.
“And I love you, Alice.”
Back at my apartment, things were too quiet for my liking and I watched a movie in the living area, turning the sound on as loud as I could without pissing off the neighbors. I didn't want to be surrounded by quiet, as it bred thoughts and regrets I didn't want to deal with at this moment.
I was grateful that Alice was so kind and that she had forgiven me. I was a terrible friend, selfish and deceiving, but she forgave me regardless. Honestly, I would have forgiven her within an instant if she had been sleeping with my brother. Not because I wanted them to be together, but because Jeremy actually needed someone like Alice in his life. He had been consumed in his work and he definitely needed a little fun in his life, which Alice would surely provide an abundance of.
The movie served as a bit of distraction for a while, until the two main characters, in the face of danger and an apocalyptical world were every second person has died so far, realized that they couldn't live without each other. As they started to kiss, I suddenly felt Zac’s lips against mine, and could still smell him in the air. It was as if my senses went into overdrive as soon as I though about him.
Every memory filled my head and I felt even more empty than I thought I was. Zac left a lasting impression in my heart and my body and I wasn't even sure whether I would be able to forget about him. At all.
In my mind, he was still there, and however crazy it sounded, he was still in my heart as well.
“You mean nothing to him, remember that, Liv,” I muttered to myself as a reminder to pull myself together.
It didn't work.
Zac’s presence inside my apartment was undeniable and I couldn't help but feel the desire for him pulsate through me. I had no choice but to het rid of these feelings inside me. I stood from the couch and stomped to my bedroom. I grabbed the pink vibrator from the top drawer of my dressing table and went back to the living room. Finding a comfortable position, I slipped off my shorts and my panties and switched on the pink toy. Its low hum was barely audible over the sound of the movie, and I was grateful for it. After I spread my legs, I pressed the vibrating tip against my clit and I let out a gasp. I had almost forgotten what it felt like and it was even more intense than I remembered.
Oh my god, that was so intense.
Pretty soon I was so wet I couldn't even help myself.
As I slid the vibrator into my pussy, I closed my eyes and imagined it was Zac with me, despite knowing it was not the best idea to be thinking of him. It was the only way for me to have him close to me after what had happened. Fantasy Zac would always be with me, and always wanted me.
Oh my god, I sounded crazy.
It didn't matter though, because I’d never tell anyone else this. Fantasy Zac would just be my little secret, and mine alone.
I imagined his hands all over me, touching me with just the right amount of pressure. His lips kissing me with just the right amount of urgency. His eyes cutting right through me, leaving me open and naked in front of him. I imagined him sucking my nipples and the sensations of pleasure built up inside me so fast the I couldn't even contain it. I wondered what he was doing, which was a big mistake, but I convinced myself that he was masturbating in his own apartment, thinking of me.
My back arched as I picked up the speed, sliding the vibrator in and out of my wet pussy. I tilted it slightly to the ceiling, hitting my g-spot and I instantly felt myself orgasm.
Once.
Twice.
“Oh my god,” I cried out, as the ceiling swirled above me and my whole body contracted.
I closed my eyes for a moment to allow my brain to reboot, if that was even a thing, and lay on the couch, panting heavily.
I stared up at the ceiling, which had come to a complete standstill, and realized that no matter how good it was to pleasure myself, nothing would ever come close to the feeling of how Zac made me feel when I was with him.
It sucked, because I also realized that no other man would make me feel that way, or at least the chances were very slim.
Zac
Zac
I tightened the last screw and glanced at Cole, who sat beside the Camaro, looking as fed up as I was, and I said, “There. That’s the last one.”
“It’s about time. It feels like we’ve been spending our entire lives fixing this damn car.”
“Well, after today, all we need to do is the body kit, and the paint-job,” I said to him, grabbing a cloth and wiped my hands on it. The engine, the transmission and all the other little extras inside the car was dealt with. Now I only had to install the body kit and the paint-job.
“Have you decided what color you want?” Cole asked.
“I’m sticking with the blue. It’s been that color since I got it, so I thought of keeping it that way,” I said.
“It’s your choice, I suppose,” Cole muttered.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea?”
“You’ve got the opportunity to start new, so why keep hanging onto the past?” Cole shrugged. “But as I said, it’s your choice.”
He was right on the one hand, about turning over a new leaf and forgetting the past, and it hit too close to home. For the last week I had tried with all my being to not call Liv every five minutes, and I was pretty sure I left a million messages. She never picked up, she never replied and she never called back. I didn't blame her for trying to avoid me, the things she overheard me saying to Alice were pretty hurtful and there was no way to take it back.
After calling for a week, I decided to call it quits. She didn't want me in her life anymore, and even though I wanted to fight for her, I couldn't fight for someone who didn't want me to. It was hard on me, because I felt empty without her, but I had felt so empty before, it didn't make much of a difference.
I knew I couldn't carry on like this for much longer, so I had to do something to make myself feel better, hence why I spent all my free time fixing the Camaro. The door in the front opened, but I didn't pay much attention to it, as it was probably someone looking for Cole, or Matt the boss. It was a little late for it to be a customer, but then again, people’s cars needed to be fixed regardless of the time.
“Zac, there’s someone here for you,” Matt called out from the front. “I sent her through.”
Her? My head jerked up immediately and a hopeful feeling filled up every inch of me, but I was also struck with a sense of fear.
Oh god. It was Liv.
What would I say to her? I’d been trying to reach her for a week, and now I finally had the chance
to talk to her, but my mind was a complete blank.
I swallowed hard and heard footsteps approached from the other side of the shop, but it wasn't who I thought it was.
It wasn't Liv.
It was Alice.
Cole quickly left the area, and I felt abandoned by my comrade. I cleared my throat and took a step back as Alice approached me.
“Hey,” I said carefully.
“Hey,” she said with a straight face, no sign of anger or anything, much to my relief.
“I wasn't expecting you would come here,” I said. “In fact you haven't ever come here since I’ve worked here.”
“I know. I’m a bad sister.”
I frowned at her and pursed my lips.
“Look, I’m sorry for freaking out because of you and Liv, you know, sleeping together and lying to me and all that.”
“You had every right to be upset,” I said simply.
“Sure, but I was so angry because I felt excluded for the first time in my life that I may have gone a little overboard, and my reaction was a little over the top,” Alice admitted.
“Alice, you don't ever have to feel excluded, but if that was how you felt, then I am terribly sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I was just...”
“You were helping Liv, I get that. She told me everything, and I feel like a really shitty friend because she was too afraid to talk to me about it. That wasn't right of me. I rubbed her nose in my stories of where I had sex and how many times and all that.”
I raised my hand and shook my head. “As long as you don’t tell me.”
“I won’t,” she said with a smile. “I just wanted to come here to tell you that Liv and I are okay, and we’re talking again.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“Are you okay?” Alice asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and looked at her. “Why wouldn't I be?”
“You just look defeated.”
“How would you know what that looks like?” I asked.
“Because I’ve seen it so many times before on you. You miss her, don’t you?”
