“The Yankees left this place in shambles,” Sterling said after the tour ended. “It was used as a Union hospital for most of the war, then abandoned. I think when the work is completed, it will be as glorious as it once was.” Sterling’s words rang into my ears like a distress signal. Richard noticed how pale and sickly I looked, and asked Rachael to take me to my room for a nap before the show.
“Certainly. Come this way.” She led me upstairs and into the first bedroom. It was quaint, though sparse. “Sterling doesn’t want to use any of my family money to restore the plantation, so I’m afraid this is the best we can do with our guest rooms,” she explained, with an air of regret.
“This is fine, Rachael. Don’t worry yourself,” I said, and pulled off my boots.
“Sterling is a prideful man. More so than I could have expected,” she mumbled.
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes, yes, of course. You sleep well. I’m looking forward to attending the performance tonight,” she said, and she wished me a good nap.
It didn’t take me long to fall into a deep sleep and straight into familiar nightmares. Southern breezes cascaded into the hot room, filling my nose with the scents of magnolias and cherry blossoms. My dreams were plagued with distorted faces from my past. I felt the brutal beatings all over again. I heard my own screams, so loud that I bolted awake, trying to focus my eyes in the strange room. The only light came through the windows, from the beaming moon. Slowly, I came to my senses. After I had calmed down and my trembling had subsided, I began to change into my costume, and Richard asked to come in.
“It’s not locked,” I called, fastening my last button.
“I have something to help you relax,” he said, and he opened my hand where he placed a bag of powder. “I hear your screams of fright.”
I hadn’t realized I cried out in my sleep!
“You put some on the tip of your finger, bring the power to your nose, and inhale. Before the show tonight,” he advised, “and every time you are consumed with such fear.”
He noticed a missed button and reached to fasten it. It was the button between my two breasts. His eyes traveled down as his hand slowly worked the delicate button. When he was finished, I felt his hand slowly brush against my breasts, until he realized what he was doing, then quickly snapped out of the trance he had fallen into. “Take the powder,” he said awkwardly, after clearing his throat. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
While thinking of how my body reacted to Richard’s uninvited touch, I inhaled the white powder. Soon I felt easy and free, uninhibited and blissful. Savannah became just another city, and the performance went without a hitch. The audience roared, the clapping was thunderous, and the reviews outstanding. Even as I had my photograph taken for the newspaper, I didn’t have a concern. Richard and his magical powders took care of that. I used them twice a day, and he said he would supply the magic to me as long as it kept my horrible fears away.
With this new self-confidence, I was able to forget about my suffering, so much more than when I drank at the finest of parties. I didn’t have a terrible headache the next day, which booze caused me. I felt great all the time, as long as I took the medicine. When I didn’t, I became cranky, irritable, and argumentative. So Richard saw to it that I was never without a supply of whatever it was called.
By the time early spring arrived, I was anxious to return to the city, as was every one of the actors. We were due for a long break, a much needed vacation, and Richard promised to take me somewhere, just the two of us, only he continued to remind me, “After the portrait is complete, Lillian.”
Judith was not there when we arrived late into the night. She hadn’t seen Richard in so long, and I wondered how she didn’t live for his return. Randolph disclosed her whereabouts - London. She was going to be away for several weeks, and I was delighted with the prospect of finally being alone with Richard. There were no other girls in competition to win his affections. Tilly wasn’t spying on us anymore, and he all but let Wanda and Phoebe know he was no longer interested in them. Richard was finally coming around to see me as his number one girl, even if I was still more like a daughter than a friend, or anything else for that matter. I loved dining alone with him, not fighting for his attention. He showered me with his undivided interest; he seemed to enjoy my company just as much as I did his. And when he mentioned the nude sketch, I took the powder and readily agreed to pose in his studio the next morning, when he said the light would be just right.
I undressed, took the blue silk sheet that draped over the lounge, and loosely wrapped it around myself before he came in. I was still uncomfortable and apprehensive about revealing myself, and positioned myself up against the wall so he wouldn’t see.
“I’ve been waiting for this day for some time. Thank you for gracing me with your beauty,” he said charmingly, then took out his paints.
“A painting?”
“Yes. Now let me lay you down, the way I want to paint you,” he said, and gently placed me down onto the lounge. “Put this hand above your head and the other . . . let it linger across your curvy waist.” As he moved my hands, the sheet slid off. I expected to shiver and close my eyes, but instead I relished the moment and felt my beauty as a positive quality instead of a burden. I wanted to feel beautiful; I wanted to be beautiful for Richard.
His eyes didn’t linger on me the way I expected; he didn’t gawk at my breasts the way most men did. He got right to work, and I lay there, singing and reciting funny lines from the play that were embedded in my brain. As I’d predicted, Richard didn’t talk much when he painted, and over the hours I found ways to amuse myself. It was only when it came time for my medicine that I became fidgety and restless, and Richard grew frustrated with me.
“A few more minutes. Then we can be done for today,” he insisted.
I didn’t take his direction and got up, forgetting about my back, forgetting he would see the lashings. It was the aghast, horrified expression on his face that caused me to stop dressing and remember. My throat began to tighten, and I immediately began to apologize. “I know, it’s hideous; it’s ghastly. I’m sure you see me as ugly now,” I cried. I rushed to cover my face with my hands. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten!
Richard came over to me, but I held out my hand and shouted for him to stay away. I feared he would abuse my sorrow and take advantage of me the same way Warren had done.
“Leave me alone!”
“Lillian . . .”
“GET OUT!”
Richard swiftly darted out. He left me alone with the painting, the nude portrait taking form, a body that didn’t deserve to be admired on a canvas. I ran to it and smashed it on the floor, stomping all over it. Richard bolted back in and dragged me away from the ruined canvas, broken easel, and destroyed painting. “In God’s name, what are you doing!” he demanded, shaking me violently.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Richard,” I bawled. Randolph came up. He heard the commotion.
“Get her a robe,” Richard commanded. Randolph hurried off and came back with a rose-colored one of Judith’s silk bathrobes. Richard wrapped me up, lifted me into his arms, and whisked me to my room, as Randolph poured me a stiff drink, which I gulped down between heavy sobs.
As soon as he dismissed the loyal butler, Richard came and rocked me; he hushed me and consoled me. He wasn’t angry with me for me ruining his artwork. Instead, Richard showed me such sympathy it melted my heart. “I’m sorry. I should have seen this, I should have respected your wishes,” he whispered into the top of my hair, as his chin comfortably rested there.
I clung to him, so desperately needing to feel protected. My eyes were wild with fright, and he saw to it that I drank some more and then took my medicine - the stuff that went up my nose and calmed my brain so I wouldn’t have to think so hard, and worry and fret all the time.
When I finally relaxed, Richard laid me down and came beside me. I didn’t think he would abuse me the way Warren had. I plac
ed my head on his chest as he gently stoked my long hair and told me I was just as beautiful as he had imagined. “The scars don’t take that away,” he murmured.
“There’s so much you don’t know,” I sniffled.
“I will know only what you want me to from now on. I regret pushing you so hard.” And with that, I dozed in his safe embrace, and he stayed with me, holding me, all night long.
* * *
Chapter Seven
The burden of time
When I arrived for breakfast, Richard was rather downcast, though I had the feeling that one of my heaviest burdens had been lifted. As soon as I sat, I could see he was troubled. Did he regret staying with me? Was he now angry and unforgiving of me for my attack on his beloved artwork? I feared he was.
As I reached for my glass of orange juice, I noticed the envelope with my name on it. I looked to Richard, and he gestured with a nod that I should open it. Inside, to my surprise, it contained money, more than enough money for me to leave. All the thoughts and dreams of returning to Jasper Island came flooding over me as I stared disbelievingly at it.
“It’s all yours. You’ve lived up to your end of the bargain, you’ve earned your ticket home,” he said, and I was sure I heard a hint of anguish in his voice.
I held the money in my shaking hands for what seemed like a long, long time, and then I lifted my eyes again to meet Richard’s. With all I had in me, I needed to know if he wanted me to go. I feared the answer, I cringed at the thought of being rejected and sent away again.
“Do you want me to leave?” I timidly asked.
“Do you want to leave?” he retorted.
I didn’t answer him, for I didn’t know. He kept his stare on me, his eyes wouldn’t even blink. It was a moment I had dreamt of for so long, and yet I didn’t jump at it the way I had imagined. There was something holding me back. Was it the fear that no one would be there for me? Is it that I would possibly never see Richard again? I asked myself. Would I lose all the admiration I had never received before and worked so hard to gain? I didn’t know. I was always running away, and perhaps I was actually running from myself.
“Isn’t this what you want, Lillian? What you have begged for? You can go now, no strings, nothing here to hold you back. Not the law, not money, not me.” His face was red and his eyes burned with the tears.
Richard had so much. Money, his wife, girls who adored him, his career. So why did I see the torment in his eyes at the thought of me leaving?
With trepidation, as he reached out for my hand, he said everything I had shut off in the back of my mind, the words I thought no one would ever say to me and mean it: “I love you, Lillian.”
He saw the doubt in me. He knew he had to be patient and make me believe in him. “Please don’t go,” he choked out. “Please.”
I placed the money back in the envelope and slid it across the table to him. Richard let out a huge sigh and squeezed my hand with conviction. I didn’t know what kind of love he had for me, but I would accept whatever he had. For what he had to offer must have offset all of my fears of the terrible unknown.
Life had finally taken a turn for the better. I was perpetually happy. The time off from the theater lasted into early summer, and while Judith was away, Richard and I spent exclusive time together. We attended plays, dined in fancy restaurants, visited museums, and he even took me to stay a night at the luxurious hotel on Brighton Beach. Although we stayed in separate rooms, as soon as the sun rose we were inseparable. We strolled along the iron pier that overlooked the beach after a long day of swimming and sunbathing and ate so much I was barely able to tie up my corset. I was elated to have my feet back in the sand, my toes in the chilly Atlantic, and the warm sun on my face.
When we were back at the hotel, Richard escorted me to the ballroom for dinner and dancing. The looks we received when he twirled me around the dance floor were mixed. Some may have recognized me; others wondered what Richard and I meant to one another. He was too young to be my father; I was too young to be his mistress.
“They are staring at us again,” I said into his ear as we waltzed around the gleaming marble floors.
“Everyone stares at you,” he replied. “And I can’t blame them.”
“Maybe they think I am your young mistress,” I giggled. I was on a high from his affections as well as my happy white powders I now took nearly every hour. “Have you taken mistresses here before?” I boldly asked.
“No.”
“Would you?”
“Possibly, if I were looking for one,” he replied, and led me back to our candle lit table.
He looked as dapper as ever sitting across from me with the glow of the flame from the lone candle shining against the copper in his hair. Most women were easily enchanted with Richard. I was no exception.
The night ended with another stroll outside. The surf was rough and the breeze cold. Richard noticed I was shivering and placed his jacket over my shoulders. Other couples lingered on the pier, some kissing like typical lovers, others holding hands and talking. I was pleased just to have the friendly company of a truly handsome man. I wasn’t looking for him to kiss me and love me the in the way that got me into trouble long ago. I began falling in love as I did when I was young. My desires were the way any young girl’s would typically be. It was the same as when I was head over heels in love with Heath Dalton - pure, innocent, and completely harmless.
If Richard thought differently, I couldn’t tell. He made no advances, other than an occasional brush of his hand against my breast during a dance or the safe affable kiss goodnight, every night. I dreaded the day Judith returned, which would be any day. I hoped she would go straight up to the estate for the summer, but to my dismay, she came home from England and fell straight into the arms of her husband.
We had been playing a game of cards when she flew in like a cold, summer storm. I sank in the chair as I noticed she had lost weight, significant weight. She was refreshed, youthful looking, and Richard immediately noticed. “My darling wife, you look amazing!” he greeted with wide eyes and a warm, affectionate hug. She gave him kisses on both cheeks and beamed with delight at his approving response.
“Spas. I went to the finest European spas. Do I look years younger, Richard?” she begged to know.
“You certainly do. You look no older than twenty-two,” he told her. His exaggeration sickened me.
“I bathed in tepid waters from ancient springs that have taken years off, I swear they have. I dined on the finest European foods, only small, miniscule portions,” she declared, as she made her way into the parlor and collapsed in the nearest chair. Richard looked at me, and in his eyes I could see without question he was telling me he wasn’t going to abandon our newly found friendship. They still sparkled when they locked mine, and I knew we could carry on just as we had.
Both Richard and I stayed up late into the night listening to Judith’s overseas adventures, and though Richard appeared rather bored, I was thrilled to hear about the places and people she’d met. I could almost imagine myself right there along with her, walking along the quaint cobblestone streets of Italy, dining in fancy French bistros, and visiting England’s royalty. She described events in detail, and I envied Judith for the first time. And here she was, looking young and radiant, sitting beside the man who also slept beside her, at the very least.
When finally she announced she was exhausted and ready for bed, Richard leapt to his feet, wide-awake, and this time didn’t say goodnight to me as I had anticipated. I was too irritable not to spy on them, and wondered if he still wanted and needed her. Had I fulfilled his every need other than an intimate one? Could he forsake his manly desires and be truly happy as I was with a platonic relationship? But then why should he, I asked myself as I came closer and closer to their suite. After all, he was her husband.
At their door, I stood and listened with my ear pressed hard against it. I heard nothing. Not a giggle or a sensual moan. I was relieved when before I left I heard the
familiar sounds of Richard loud snore. I’d heard it every night we were on tour.
First thing in the morning, Judith was anxious to get up to the estate for the first party of the season. “A grand ball in honor of Sarah’s engagement. And I’m excited for everyone to see my new figure.”
“Sarah is engaged?” Richard chimed in.
“Last month. All the Van Dorns from far and wide are coming for the event.”
“She’s quite a catch,” Richard added. Judith ignored his remark, but I didn’t.
“I think she is too short, and her hair is an unattractive shade of yellow.”
Judith was displeased with my comments. “Sarah is a very sought-after woman by the most aristocratic men of the north. She has an education, and she is breathtakingly beautiful,” she snapped.
“Lillian is right, Sarah is rather short.”
Judith left the table in a huff. I was glad to see she could still be her old, unhappy self on the inside.
“I suppose I’d better see to her,” Richard said, dabbing his mouth from his morning eggs. As he passed me, he gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me he would be at opening night, front row.
Bart Wilco had created a new show, and there was an air of excitement in the city. It was going to be an instant hit, according to the critics.
I was looking forward to getting back to work. I began to crave the laughter, the applause. Richard told me the theater would eventually grow on me and get under my skin, and it had. The cast consisted of old and new actors, and still none of them cared to befriend me. I wanted more than anything to have a girlfriend, but for one reason or another, they all stayed clear of me. So when it came time to go to the estate, I was eager to see Rachael. She was my only real friend. And soon to become a mother.
Her belly was enormous, so much larger so than I remembered Opal being. Rachael was due to deliver any day, and was rather grumpy and tired. I couldn’t blame her, but I missed her company as she stayed in her suite for most of the weekend of the engagement ball. I came to see her often and told her stories of the city and the things Richard and I did together before Judith came home. It didn’t surprise her to know how fond I was of Richard. In fact, she seemed pleased.
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