“My dear Lillian, put away your forlorn face. I will be with you so much so that you will become sick to death of me. I will be there to hold you every night, to love you, and then we shall fall asleep to a new day.” He came to me on bended knee and stared into my glistening eyes. “I promise.”
“I will never have to sleep alone?”
“Never, never, never,” he mumbled through the dozens of kisses he showered upon me.
And with every kiss, I gave in to his plan that would allow him to have both his money and me, to keep Judith appeased and me contented. I wrapped my arms around him and returned his affection until passion once again ignited. Richard took me to his room and loved me with such fervor that I swore to myself he had to love me just as much as his beloved Vivienne, if not more. He had to.
* * *
Chapter Ten
Truth be told
The next morning, Richard took me to the place that was my very own, our “love nest” as he called it. What I walked into, however, was no home, and certainly no place I had ever imagined having secret romantic dinners and nights of rapture with my married lover.
Foreign voices filled the dark, dingy hallway of the apartment building, and strange smells of a mixture of ethnic dishes filled my nostrils as I gazed around the one tiny, seedy room Richard had found for me to live in. Questions flooded my mind; disbelief stabbed me in my gut. The sight was almost as bad as my prison in Sutton Hall, and no longer could I fight the urge to run outside and refuse to live in such hell. “I won’t stay here, Richard!”
The streets were bustling with activity. Children were running about, hundreds of street vendors lined the crowded sidewalks, and the smells of waste and poverty lingered about. “How could you pick such an awful place for me?” I demanded.
“Come inside; it’s not so bad. Let me explain.”
I reluctantly allowed him to lead me back up to the hideous apartment, all the while believing he would change his mind, see how the thought of me living in such squalor was absurd.
“You need to understand our situation. We will be spotted if I find you a place near to me, or in even midtown by the theater. You are well known there, people will talk, and it will get back to Judith. Here . . .” He stopped and looked around, then turned to me and held me protectively close, “no one knows who you are. Fame comes with a price, my darling Lillian.”
“I can’t stay here! Please don’t make me. The conditions are deplorable; I will be so unhappy,” I cried.
“Even if I am here with you, sleeping in your bed, holding and kissing you?” he murmured. His hot breath drifted down my neck, giving me tingles. Oh, how I wanted to be his alone, wanted his time, his love. Did I have to give up everything for it, though? Would I agree to share a common bathroom, have no window drapes on the only window, with a view of the bricks of the adjacent building? Could I stand the unfamiliar voices and the stench that flowed through the paper-thin walls and filled every inch of the apartment, all for the sake of love? I had sacrificed so much before, lost my freedom because I was too naïve. Now I was losing it all over again.
Richard’s eyes pleaded with me to agree, his kisses and caresses implored me to betray my better judgment and allow myself to be a locked-away damsel, whom he could love and protect without risk of exposure. And before I could refuse his wishes, he lifted me and laid me on the small bed that pressed up against the filthy wall and came to me with love, promises, and whispers of a life together. Then he added, before he fell asleep next to me, “And if you love me as much as I think you do, you will stay here.”
For the sake of love, I made a new life for myself in this nightmarish place. Every day, until the time came to walk ten blocks uptown for the carriage Richard sent every day to take me to the theater, I slept. When I couldn’t sleep, I took more and more of the white medicine I inhaled up my nose to help me through the day. Richard supplied me with the magic that made it possible for me to function and forget about my miserable surroundings.
Richard came with me every night to the apartment as promised. He loved me, rocked me, held me all night long. I felt secure when he was there and didn’t jump when I heard loud bangs, slams, and arguments right outside my door. The love I had for him numbed out the real world and helped me forget my fears.
Richard never mentioned Judith, the mansion, or the estate, of which I was glad. Nonetheless, I would have liked to hear a little something about Heath and Sarah, though whenever I asked, Richard insisted we were starting a new life and shouldn’t bring up anything or anyone from the past. The subject of his wife, her cousin, or her sisters, and the man whom long ago I would have given the world for were no longer up for discussion. And as much as I was curious about Heath Dalton, I couldn’t help but feel anger and resentment every time I thought of him. I could never forgive him for not remembering me, or if in fact he did, for pretending not to know who I was and what we had meant to one another long ago.
By the time fall approached, Richard hadn’t been away from me one night. I became accustomed to my new surroundings and our stable routine. I came to expect passionate nights, sleepy days, and hard, grueling work at the theater. Richard always managed to bring me exquisite jewelry, expensive perfume, and things that no one wore where I lived.
“You never take me out. I can’t wear such jewelry here,” I said one chilly Sunday evening.
“You can wear it when you are on tour,” he replied.
I sat up naked in bed, no longer ashamed of my scars, and looked down to where he lay beside me with his arms folded under his head.
“You are coming with me, aren‘t you?”
He leaned up on his elbows and gave a weighty sigh, then said, “You know I can’t.”
“Then I won’t go!”
“It’s written in your contract. You have to go.”
I threw off the covers and hastily put on my robe, as the room was chilly and damp. I had never read my own contract; I had never received a dime of the money I earned. I left it all for Richard to take care of. I began to regret not reading the paper that bound me to Bart Wilco.
“I expect you to come with me. How can you watch over me if you are here in the city with Judith?”
“Who said she would be in the city?”
“Winter is coming. Where else would she go?”
“Paris, London, Berlin. Who knows with Judith?”
I poured the last cup of coffee and then approached Richard, who stood to dress.
“You come with me or I will walk. I don’t care what the contract says.”
He went to reach for me, but I pulled away in anger. When I was in his arms, I thought of nothing but him and our intimate union, but when the covers were off, reality could sometimes hit like me a smack in the face.
“All right, all right, you win. I will find a way,” he said, resigned, and that’s when I allowed him to hold me again. “I said I would do anything for you, and I meant it,” he murmured into my thick hair, as I began to kiss his exposed chest.
“As I would for you, Richard,” I murmured between hot kisses.
“Baby, you make me happy,” he groaned when I lowered down to kiss him down there. I heard how it pleased men, and I so wanted to please my man. I was certain Judith would never do such a crude thing; she seemed too prudish. Being a part of the theater helped me become less a prude and more and more like the girls who enjoyed revealing their sensual bodies and using it to their advantage. They slept with any man who had money, married or unmarried. Though I wouldn’t want any man but Richard, I knew I finally had everything it took to win a man over and have him as mine alone.
Somehow, Ned learned about my present living situation and was aghast at my compromise to live with a man he claimed took me for granted.
“I’ve told you before, Mr. Griffin, I don’t want anything to do with you,” I snapped. I knew he often lingered around the theater, though I didn’t know where he found the time, considering the enormous success of his own producti
on, and waited until I was alone to approach me.
“If you join my cast, you will live in one of the most luxurious apartments in the city,” he claimed as I prepared to leave the theater and climb into the carriage that would drop me off several blocks away from my apartment, where I would then walk the remainder of the way. Most often, Richard was there in the carriage waiting for me, but on this evening, to my dismay, he was with Judith, and promised he would come see me late in the evening.
“I am perfectly happy,” I told Ned. Now please leave me be. You and I will never do business together!”
“You know Richard is not exclusive,” he said with one thick brow curiously raised.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, just before he reached me and held his hand out to assist me into the carriage.
“Lillian, you sweet thing. Open your eyes. You’re not his only catch, simply his finest,” Ned said, and I stared at him with a sick, unsteady feeling in the pit of my stomach as the carriage sped off.
Richard was outlandishly late to arrive at the apartment that evening. I had dozed off after drinking almost an entire bottle of the wine he had brought for us the night before. When he climbed into bed and began to undress me, I pushed him away. “Where have you been?”
“I was with Judith. She and some of our friends had dinner and drinks. I lost track of the time. I’m sorry my darling,” he explained and reached to pull me back into bed. My head ached, the room was dark and cold, and I began to shiver.
“Don’t just stand there and glare at me. Get in bed and let me love you.”
“Who else do you love?” I hissed.
“No one. I tell my wife I love her because I’m obligated, but I don’t mean it. You know that. You know you are my true love,” Richard said softly.
“That’s not what Ned Griffin told me,” I retorted with my arms folded under my breasts.
Richard threw off the covers and immediately began to dress.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m not going to put up with your behavior. I don’t come all the way down here in the middle of the night to be treated with such disregard. If you want to listen to Ned Griffin and his lies, then go ahead. I will go back to my wife and sleep with her.”
I was speechless. Richard was furious with me, turning his back on me and running to his wife. I had made a terrible mistake. I should have never let Ned’s accusations creep into my mind to make suspicious of the only person in the world who loved me.
“I’m sorry,” I implored as he continued to dress. “Please forgive me. I had too much to drink. I wasn’t thinking clearly!”
“Indeed you weren’t. Now let go of my arm.”
“Richard, please!” I cried when he reached for the door. He stopped and slowly turned, and I rushed to him, placing dozens of kisses on his face, sobbing and pleading with him to forget what I had said.
“Will you ever listen to that man again?” he asked coolly, standing like a statue - cold and resolute.
“I swear to you, I won’t. I was a fool, I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
Richard took me in his arms then and held me close. “He is dangerous. Ned Griffin will fill you full of lies, just to get you. Stay far from him. You are mine, do you understand?” he said with a fire in his eyes I had never seen before. Oh, how protected and loved I felt.
“I will stay far from him, I will,” I swore as I took off his coat and hat and placed them on the edge of the bed. “Will you stay with me and hold me?” I murmured as I began to undress him. He ran his hands through my hair and said he would. He forgave me, and I was grateful. And when he finished loving me, before he fell asleep, he made me promise to be faithful to him. “You will not have any words with him, ever?”
“Not ever.”
“That’s my girl,” he whispered, and he kissed me goodnight.
I couldn’t sleep at all that night; I tossed and turned with nagging fears of Richard someday abandoning me, as all others before him.
Later that week I overheard the girls talking about Ned. He had been robbed, beaten, and left for dead in the back alley behind his theater. He was in a local hospital and was expected to make a full recovery, though he had three broken ribs. That night, Richard had come to the apartment looking disheveled, with a cut lip. He told me he had fallen at home, but when I heard what happened to Ned, I knew the truth. I decided not to confront him, although I was left feeling uneasy about Ned’s injury. I wondered if Richard had set out to kill him. I was afraid of the answer.
Three days before the company was due to leave for our tour, to my dismay, Richard told me he had to go the estate for an extended weekend.
“I tried to get out of it, but Judith is growing suspicious. I haven’t been up all summer. It is some kind of autumn gala, another grand ball. I will return as soon as I can, maybe even steal away a day early. Please understand, I don’t want to go.”
Richard wasn’t staying for the night. A coach was waiting downstairs. I was taken aback, unprepared for such news. We were planning on an intimate dinner, a romantic evening. I was dressed in my finest dress, excited that Richard had finally agreed to take me to a fancy restaurant where someone might see us. We had been careful for so many months, and willing to take the slim chance of being caught together and Judith possibly finding out. I was always begging for Richard, pleading and crying for him to stay with me. My words of despair were all but ignored and had little effect.
“I will meet you at the theater on Monday and will go on tour with you. We will spend months together. In order to do that I must appease Judith and tell her stories of travels I have been required to do for my editor. Now be a good girl and kiss me goodbye,” he said, and when I did, his lips didn’t linger long enough for me to even remember.
I followed him out and caught a fleeting glimpse of his coach, which sped him off to the picturesque estate where there would be beautiful people in dapper clothes, eating the finest delicacies. They would be dancing, conversing, and drinking. Judith, I imagined, would stay beside Richard, and he might just give into her desires, just to keep her happy. I cringed at the thought of Richard holding and loving anyone but me. It pained me to think of him in bed with her as I had seen before, and the thought of him whispering he loved her made me want to burst into tears. Then there was Heath. Would he be there by Sarah’s side? I wondered. Would his blue eyes drink her in when they danced, would he hold her close and smile lovingly down upon her?
I shook my head from such overwhelmingly miserable thoughts and strode over to my dresser where I had a fresh bag of white powder Richard had left for me. It was supposed to last the whole tour, but I considered inhaling the entire amount at one time, choking my unhappiness with the medicine I was now so dependent on to keep me going. Yet as I stared at my reflection in the large, round mirror on the long dresser, I remembered the time I took Momma’s medicine and nearly died. I easily recalled the pain and anguish in Daddy’s tired, cried out eyes. I suddenly began to cry when my thoughts drifted to the man who I thought would care for me always, love me, and protect me from harm. He had betrayed me in the worst way. Daddy abandoned me, left me with a woman he knew hated me. She had taken out all of her anger toward my mother on me.
I sat on the cold floor next to the bed and sobbed. I shivered and rocked myself like the frightened little girl I was. I wept until I was too tired to shed another tear, until I forced myself up and over to the dresser where I took as much powder as I needed to make myself content, almost happy. Then I didn’t care as much, hurt as much, or yearn for any man who didn’t need me as much as I needed him.
Drinks and my magic powder kept me going through the lonely weekend. Monday finally arrived, and I had my things packed for the long, dusty, bumpy, sleepless road trip through the southern states, moving from city to city, where I would perform songs and skits that entertained hundreds and hundreds of people. The once dreaded shabby hotel rooms I had stayed in I now craved, since they were ten times nice
r than the apartment Richard had me living in. I longed for the company of the showgirls. Even though they disliked me, I enjoyed the simple pleasure of having people around me.
I expected Richard to be waiting in the carriage for me as I stopped at the corner after lugging my heavy suitcase many blocks away from the apartment building, but there was no sign of him or the carriage. It was beginning to rain, and I was pushed and shoved about as I stood on the swarming street corner, waiting and waiting.
Finally, after waiting for nearly an hour, soaked from the rain, I decided to pay for a carriage ride to the theater. I had a small amount of money with me, which Richard told me to use only in an emergency. I speculated this was one of those times. After all, I needed to get to the theater on time for the departure and it was pouring rain. Richard, I believed, must have been on his way, and would likely be waiting at the theater when I arrived.
Mr. Wilco hurried over to the carriage to assist me out and led me to the stagecoach without word. I expected to find Richard seated inside. When I was in and seated, Mr. Wilco leaned into me and looked closely at my face. He had never done such a thing before.
“Where is Richard? Isn’t he here?” I cried looking out the small curtained window of the stagecoach.
“Have you come down with something? You appear sick,” Mr. Wilco commented in his customary gruff manner.
“Richard was supposed to travel with us,” I said in a panic.
“My dear girl, settle down. He can’t make it this time he told me to tell you, but has made plans to arrive on train when we reach Savannah.” He pulled out a handkerchief and insisted I dry my tears, then added, “Are you certain you are not sick?”
“I’m fine,” I managed to choke out, then dropped my head against the side panel of the coach and closed my tired eyes.
Onward we went, leaving the crowded, noisy city behind . . . and Richard. I began to see what was going on; it became more than apparent that what Ned Griffin had told me must have indeed been true. Richard was having another love affair, behind my back. He must have found another beautiful young girl to seduce and love. I wasn’t his exclusive lover, as I had wanted to believe. Instead, I was another notch on his bedpost, and for that, I was livid. With each passing mile, I became more and more enraged, thinking and remembering all of his whispers of love and devotion. All lies! I couldn’t wait to see him in Savannah. I would send him out of my life and inform him that I never see him again.
Box Set: The ArringtonTrilogy Page 68
