The weeks passed slowly; the shows dragged on and on. I was tired, emotionally drained, and felt as sick as I looked. Without Richard to watch over me and make excuses for any mishaps and mistakes, Mr. Wilco became impatient and was displeased with some of my performances. One night, when we were in Richmond, he insisted my new understudy, Lola Belle, step in for me.
“I’m fine, really. I haven’t been sleeping all that well. These strange hotel rooms . . . I just don’t sleep well!” I urgently explained, but he wouldn’t hear it.
“You get some rest. I need you well, Lillian,” he mumbled, then slammed the door closed behind him.
But I couldn’t get well. The medicines that were supposed to help me feel better were slowly making me sicker and sicker. I began to have severe nosebleeds, and my heart would beat faster and faster for no apparent reason, which kept me awake all night long. I was more irritable than ever. The dark circles under my eyes were apparent and couldn’t be well covered with makeup.
I had noticed other girls taking the same powders as I, and they didn’t seem nearly as sickly. And I wanted to stop taking it, but when I tried, the cravings were overpowering and I found myself without control. Up my nose went the power, whether I liked it or not.
Mr. Wilco insisted I see a doctor, but by the next evening, I’d managed to cover up my pale complexion and dark circles well enough to pass his fastidious inspection. I was grateful when he let me go onstage, and relieved when I made it through with a standing ovation. And when I looked off to where he stood in the wings, I saw how pleased he was. I didn’t need Richard after all, and I was going to let him know that the minute I stepped foot in Savannah.
* * *
Chapter Eleven
The wound that would not heal
As sick as I felt, full of nothing but anger for Richard, I managed to sail through Savannah’s first night’s performance without passing out from my recent dizzy spells. I thought and hoped that Richard might be in the audience, but as I took my final bow, gazing into audience, I didn’t notice him anywhere in the rows upon rows of seats. That night I decided I wasn’t going to wait for Richard to come to me. I was going to him. No longer was I going to be his secret mistress. I was going to confront Richard and let him know what wrongs he had done. And I didn’t care who heard me.
It was Christmas time in the south, but you wouldn’t know it. The air was heavy and moist and the temperature hotter than I remembered in early winter when I had been living against my will in Georgia.
As I made my way to Rachael’s home, I recalled my first Christmas on Jasper Island. I remembered the stories of Santa Claus that Ayden and Heath had told me. I thought back to the doll Santa had left for me. It seemed a lifetime ago since the gift of a beautiful porcelain doll meant everything to me. Now, I faced adult issues, and though perhaps I’d brought them upon myself by being so young and foolish, by allowing Richard Parker to become my lover, I craved deeply for the simple wishes and dreams of my youth.
It was obvious on the carriage’s approach to the Parker plantation that much work had been done to rebuild and reclaim its former beauty: fresh paint, a new front galley, a repaired roof. I imagined if I hadn’t burnt Sutton Hall to the ground, someone would have come and purchased it and brought the once magnificent plantation mansion back to its former glory. Nevertheless, that wasn’t meant to be, as Richard and I weren’t. I accepted that, but before I could move on, I needed to show him I wasn’t the young innocent girl he’d once used. He was going to learn what happens when someone abandons me.
There was a small gathering of familiar voices inside conversing and I wasted no time interrupting with my uninvited entrance. “Hello all,” I said as I stepped into the parlor. They all looked surprised, just as I expected. However, I hadn’t anticipated Heath being there in the room amongst the other guests as all eyes fell upon me, like the first time I’d arrived with Richard at the estate. They all stared with distaste for the outsider I was. Even Rachael, who had been kind and welcoming before, chose to shun me.
After holding my stare on Heath for a moment, still hurt and insulted that he disregarded me, I scanned the room for Richard. I didn’t see him. As frightening as it was to stand there with all eyes fixed on me, as much as I knew Heath would be utterly revolted by my actions, I swallowed my nerves and shouted, “WHERE IS THE BASTARD?”
Judith stepped out from the shadows of the room and fired me a bitter scowl, which I immediately challenged.
“You’re not wanted here. Get out!” she hissed.
“Where is he hiding? Richard! Richard!” I yelled, bolting from one room to the next as Judith chased after me, insisting I leave. The others stayed back, allowing Judith to stand up and face the woman who’d stolen her husband’s affections from her for so long.
“He isn’t here!”
I ignored her and continued my search. Upstairs from one room to the next I flew, opening doors, shouting for him, until I came to the room where the baby slept. The cradle was situated up against the creamy white plaster walls. Inside, the precious baby named after Richard’s former lover slept innocently, unaware of what life could possibly have in store, of all the wrongdoings, lies, and betrayals one could suffer. She didn’t know where she was, and it didn’t matter.
I stepped up to the cradle and watched as her small chest eased up and down from taking slow, sleepy breaths. I envied such peacefulness.
“You don’t belong here.” Judith spoke in a monotone voice from the doorway. I continued to stare at the sleeping infant, noticing features similar to both Sterling and Rachael. Her hands were tiny, like I recalled of Elizabeth’s. She was the only baby I had ever held.
“Richard wants nothing to do with you, you whore,” she spat.
I tenderly covered the baby with the soft pink knitted blanked and quietly exited the room. Once we were out in the hall, I noticed the other women had come to support Judith. Even Sarah stood there, as timid and shy as she was, listening to Judith spew vile words at me that accused me of being the lowest form of scum on the earth. “You’re nothing but a good-for-nothing streetwalker!”
“You know nothing about me!” I shouted. “Not one of you does!” I turned to Rachael who seemed to show a glimpse of empathy for me in her eyes. She had known what it was like to love Richard and be left with nothing in the end. She knew as well as I did!
Judith stepped forward and smiled. A sinister, sly smile, which reminded me of only one other person - my grandmother.
“You girls go now, I need to say this in private,” she ordered. They all scattered, though I saw the men, all but Heath, lingering at the bottom of the stairs, waiting to drag me off as if I had laid one scratch on Judith.
I allowed her to shove me into a bedroom, all the while my head ached from terrible pains that shot behind the back of my eyes. My nose was bleeding once again, but I didn’t care, and I slapped away the handkerchief she offered out of sheer necessity.
“I want to speak to Richard. And for your information, I don’t want anything to do with your husband any longer,” I stated adamantly.
“You think I didn’t know about your nauseating affair with my husband?” she asked with mocking laughter behind her voice. “Do you think I am so much a fool?”
“I don’t care whether you know or not. And yes, I think you are a fool for marrying him.”
“You are such a naïve girl,” she fired, stepping closer to me, then staring me straight in the eyes added, “You are the fool, through and through.”
I gulped hard and took a step back from her. I sensed that what she was about to tell me would shatter the very last piece of dignity I possessed.
“Do you believe for one moment I would have let you onto that train if I didn’t believe you would fall madly in love with Richard? That was the reason I agreed to it all!”
“What did you agree to?” I timidly asked. Now my head was pounding like a drum. It was painful to blink, and the blood continued to drip from my nose onto
the floor.
Judith paced back and forth, appearing to laugh to herself at my stupidity. Then she stopped, her large body pivoting around to face me, and pointed her thick finger straight at me. “You really got yourself into some mess, didn’t you? That man who was killed . . . the law coming after you . . . I can see why you jumped like a scared little orphan at the first person who promised to rescue you. But you see, Lillian, there was nothing to be saved from.”
I placed my hand on the wall to steady myself from falling and tried to focus on what she was saying.
“There was no law after you. Richard made it all up. He trapped you, and I readily agreed. It was the money he knew you would bring in to get him out of debts he owed to God knows whom. I wouldn’t give him the money. When he saw you, your youthful beauty, he approached me and I agreed, knowing full well you would be too stupid to see it.”
“Why would you do such a thing? Why would you allow me to believe I was wanted by the law?” I groaned. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Richard used me for money; he stole it all from me. Then he had me fall in love with him. What benefit did that gain him?
“Thousands of dollars Bart Wilco handed over to Richard.”
“Why did you allow him to love me?” I cried wearily.
“So I could catch him, file for divorce, and throw him out in the gutter where he belongs! Finally, I caught that cheating bastard. And . . .”
Oh, God there was more.
“I know everything about your parents’ sinful past, about Amelia and Patrick-Garrett. We all know about you! I read every page of your mothers’ journal, out loud in front of my sisters, Sterling, Richard, and Sarah.”
“You’re a liar!” I screamed in outrage. The room began to spin and my shaking legs felt as though they were about to betray me.
“Go out there and ask them. Go on!”
“Where’s my mother’s book?” I pitifully moaned.
“I burned it and all the sinful words. It went straight to hell where it belongs!”
Slowly I slid from the side of the walls down to the floor and cradled my throbbing head down into my knees. The pain was excruciating, and I could barely manage to comprehend the profundity of Judith revelations. No, please don’t let it be true. All I had left of Momma couldn’t be gone forever!
“Get up, you piece of trash, and walk out into the gutter where you belong. You are just as unwanted now as you were the day you were conceived!” Judith spat over me.
“Where’s all this blood from?” I heard a familiar voice ask. Heath entered the room.
“It’s from her!”
I curled on the floor, moaning from the pain, and slammed my eyes closed while covering my ears to block out Judith’s shrieking voice. Heath, the compassionate, concerned, dedicated doctor that he was, came and lifted me onto the bed.
“Let her be, Heath. She deserves to suffer!”
“No one deserves to be in pain, Judith,” he retorted. “Let me examine her in peace.”
In a huff, she flew out. I eased my weary eyes open and helplessly lay there staring up at the man, who no matter how many years passed, and how dismayed he was with me, I would forever hold a torch for.
Heath quickly scanned me over, took my pulse, and called for his doctor bag. Sarah rushed in with it and lingered beside him as he took out his stethoscope to listen to my heart. I kept my eyes glued to his grave face while he listened, intent on every beat of my heart. I felt it race within my chest, not just from the powders I consumed, but from his hand resting on my hand and the other lingering near my waist. If Sarah knew what Heath and I had meant to one another long ago, I couldn’t tell. She looked as concerned for me as did Heath. I took the time to gaze down at their hands, to notice any wedding bands. Neither wore one. They weren’t married as of yet.
“Sarah, would you go get me a cool cloth for her feverish head?” he kindly asked.
“Certainly,” she replied and whisked off, leaving us alone.
The nagging pain in my head was awful, and I fought to keep my eyes open and on Heath. I needed to see his blue eyes shine on me, longed to see any sign that I meant something to him. But all I saw was a professional doctor, until he finally took a long breath and willingly met my eyes. With a heavy hand, he took mine and squeezed it tight, then asked in just above a whisper, “What has become of you, Lillian?”
Tears instantly cascaded along my cheek and down onto the pillow where my heavy head lay. Heath did remember me with warm affection! It was clear as day in those translucent blue eyes of his. But just as the connection was made, those eyes turned dark and shadowed. He slowly let go of my hand so it dropped down beside me.
“It’s not what you think,” I groaned out of both physical and emotional torture.
“I expected better of you. To see you like this, to know what you do, to think of you with Richard Parker, a married man!”
“Please don’t judge me.”
“I am not here to judge you,” he said taking a handkerchief and holding it to my nose to stop the blood from flowing. “I am here as a doctor. It is my responsibility.”
“It certainly sounds like you are judging me,” I murmured bleakly, knowing it is what I should have expected. Heath was and always would be more righteous than I, more proper. Where I’d come from, there was no way I could ever be what he desired. And now that he knew my family’s past, who I was, and what kind of life I had chosen for myself, I was surprised he could tolerate being in the same room with me.
Sarah returned with a cloth and pressed it gently against my sweaty brow with her delicate hands while Heath left for a moment. I heard him speaking to Judith out in the hall while I gazed up at the woman who had claimed Heath’s heart. Oh, how it hurt to see how pretty she was, how pure and wholesome, so unlike myself. I wanted to tell her how jealous I was, how Heath should have been mine, but I knew better. He deserved someone so wonderful.
I bit my tongue and closed my lids over my aching eyes, and I believe I drifted off to sleep for some time. When I woke, my eyes drifted to where Heath sat in a chair beside my bed, apparently waiting for me to wake. His eyes sprang open and he stood, checked my pupils, and then declared I was well enough to leave.
With his assistance, I sat up, took a sip of water, and then rose from the bed. I was still weak, my stomach felt sickly and my head throbbed, and I surely I would have fallen if Heath didn’t catch me. For the single moment he held me, I stopped breathing. Since the day he kissed me long ago, I had imagined the moment he would tenderly hold me in his arms again and have his lips brush against mine. However, Heath quickly stopped the fantasy by awkwardly moving me away. “Sterling is going to take you back to the hotel. I have a colleague on call if you should become overcome with pain again.”
“Tell me you don’t hate me,” I managed to ask before he turned to go. I feared I would never see him again and needed so badly to know he didn’t loathe me.
Heath refused to look at me; he refused to answer my one agonizing question. I reached out to his arm, and with all the strength I had left, made him turn to me. His face was cold, aloof. My heart sank to the furthest depths of my soul. Before being dismissed, I asked one more thing of him, hoping to shed just a glimmer of light into my dark, bleak world. “How are Ayden and Elizabeth? And your parents?”
Heath obviously heard the desperation in my voice and didn’t deny me such a simple request.
“Elizabeth is doing remarkably well. She is a very bright child; she has mastered all that sign language has to offer. And, she is so pretty. My parents are living at the school. My father took on a job as a caretaker and mother is a cook.” Heath managed to look at me when he said this, but he didn’t mention Ayden and how he was faring. I questioned him again. Heath packed up his medical bag and hurried to go.
“Heath, about your brother!” I implored.
“Ayden is Ayden. He is fine, content to be a lighthouse keeper,” he said coldly and left without another word.
Bot
h Ayden and Heath had fulfilled their dreams, Elizabeth was well, smart, and pretty, and she had her loving parents close to her. How fortunate the Daltons were, and oh - how I wished life wasn’t always so merciless to me.
The trip back into Savannah was short and without incident. Sterling didn’t speak to me and I was surprised when before I walked into the hotel he pulled an envelope from the breast pocket of his jacket and said, “Rachael asked me to give this to you.”
Without waiting for a reply, he took off, and I stood alone, as the sun was just about to set, as twilight approached, on the front gallery, holding the letter in my trembling hands.
Dear Lillian,
How sorry I am to learn what has become of you. I feel I must own up to my untruth and apologize for my participation in Richard’s scheme to have you believe the law was after you. My motives were not as deceitful as you may suspect. I simply would have done anything to make Richard happy . . . anything, as I am sure you have in common with me.
Richard is a captivating man, handsome and egocentric. It is unfortunate he has abandoned you, and I pity your situation. Enclosed is a train ticket back North and I hope you use it to take yourself far from the shady, seedy world Richard has thrown you into and somehow recover and find the happiness you so deserve.
Warmly,
Rachael
I stared at the train ticket in my hand for a long while, then at the door to the hotel. I had planned on confronting Bart Wilco and demanding what I was entitled to - money. He had allowed Richard to steal it all from me, and I wasn’t going to stand for it. But suddenly, there was the choice to move ahead and forget about Richard, Bart Wilco, the theater, the magazine - everything. I could disappear where no one would look for me, or care to. Jasper Island had always called out to me; my heart yearned to return to the only place that could make me feel whole again. One train ticket could take me there - the ticket in my hand.
Box Set: The ArringtonTrilogy Page 69
