Something Real

by Allegra Johnson

  “Okay.”

  “Good, let’s go.”

  Chapter 16

  Taylyn scowled into the mirror. The pink empire waist gown made her look like a giant bottle of Pepto Bismol. The loose fit of the skirt hid her hips and ass. The roll of fat that spilled over the back of the dress was less than desirable. Feeling not so bad about her appearance, she opened the curtain of the dressing room to face the rest of the wedding party. The collective intake of breath from them warned her the hits were coming, and she steeled herself against them.

  Don’t let them get to you. You only have to play nice for a few more weeks, just breathe.

  Letting out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, she stepped up to the seamstress, Kayla, and waited for the insults.

  Just ignore them. They mean nothing. They are nothing.

  “Well, let’s see how much we need to let out this time.” Kayla’s nasal voice offered no hope that she was worried over nothing.

  “I don’t think anything needs to be let out. It feels fine. It’s not too tight like last time,” Taylyn answered in a defensive tone.

  “Yah, well, that roll of fat spilling out the top isn’t doing you any favors.” Ashley, the matron of honor, pinched Taylyn hard.

  “Get the fuck away from me, bitch, before you have some blood spilling out of you.” Turning back to Kayla, she said, “Can we get this over with? I have better things to do than stand here being insulted by a bunch of bitches.”

  She swallowed hard against her tears, praying they wouldn’t fall until she was alone.

  Never let them see you cry. Never let them know they hurt you.

  “Well, I should try to let out this seam here, maybe that would help. Or maybe you should just wear a shawl. I’m not sure there’s enough seam left to let out.” Kayla began picking and poking at different areas of her body. “Has your ass gotten bigger? I thought you were dieting.”

  Taylyn didn’t answer. She was trying hard to hold her head up and not let them see her vulnerability. She needed to get out of here. Coming for a fitting with the whole party was a huge mistake. She stood as still as a statue and tried to let her mind wander elsewhere in hopes of blocking out the disparaging remarks being made by the others. She could still hear them.

  “I don’t know why you let her be in the wedding. She’s so fat.”

  “She’s my sister, of course she’s going to be a part of my wedding!”

  “Well, she’s going to make the wedding photos look awful.”

  “Did the photographer charge extra since she’ll take up so much room?”

  A loud round of laughter followed the last remark. Taylyn could feel her stomach roll. A wave of nausea hit her, and she began to sweat. The insults were echoing through her head. She couldn’t breathe. She had to get out of here. This was a mistake.

  “I need to . . . I have to go. I’m not feeling well.”

  Taylyn ran back to the fitting room and closed the curtain. A tear fell down her cheek, followed by another one. She heard murmurs and another group laugh before there was some movement outside of the dressing room.

  “Tay, it’s Carly. Can I come in?”

  “No, just go back to your friends,” Taylyn whispered.

  Taylyn gripped the small zipper on the side of the gown and yanked it down. The dress dropped to the floor in a puddle of pink satin. She kicked the gown into the corner. She hurriedly got dressed in her jeans and tee, picked up her pocket book, and fled the dressing room. Keeping her head down, she quickly walked by the rest of the party. She ran out of the shop to her car. Sitting inside, she cried. The insults still echoed in her head.

  She sent a text to her sister, two simple words. I quit. She threw her phone on the passenger seat. She started the Blazer, and the belts no longer squealed. Declan had replaced them that morning. She sped away from the bridal shop, not knowing where she was going. The ding of a new text was ignored. She needed to get away from here.

  Taylyn drove with no real destination. She let them get to her, and that angered her. She had used her last therapy session to prepare for this day, the final fitting. She knew there would be body shaming. She thought she was prepared for it. She was not.

  When she left Declan’s house before the fitting, he had hugged her tightly and told her she was beautiful. He told her to ignore the insults she was sure would come. He wanted to come with her to be there for her, but she refused. She wasn’t ready to let the town know they were together.

  Taylyn wasn’t sure herself if they were actually together. Were they friends with benefits, or were they a couple? As much as Taylyn swore off ever dating again, she had to admit she would try again for Declan. They had spent the night together after Carly’s bachelorette party and most nights for the past two weeks. She still lived in her small studio apartment but had given her notice that she would be moving. She decided to rent a room above JD’s Tavern.

  She parked in front of JD’s, not knowing how she got there. Her phone, still sitting on the passenger seat beside her, rang and dinged the whole time she drove. She didn’t bother to even look at it. She left it on the seat when she exited the Blazer.

  Taylyn approached the bar, asking James for a pitcher of Bud. She looked around for Declan but couldn’t see him. There were a couple of guys at the pool table, and music was playing on the jukebox. She found a booth in the darkest corner of the room and sat down with her back to the wall. She didn’t pour a beer. She just sat there listening to that voice in her head telling her how utterly worthless she really was.

  ♡

  “How long has she been here?” Declan asked James.

  When Declan returned from his physical therapy appointment, Taylyn was sitting in the corner, staring off into space. Her mug was empty, and the pitcher of beer was full. He tried to talk to her, but she didn’t even acknowledge his presence. It was almost as if she was in a trance. She just sat there staring at nothing. Tears streamed down her face, but she made no sound. Declan had no idea what to do with her. Should he call 911? Maybe she was having a stroke?

  “She’s been here for more than two hours. She hasn’t moved,” James replied.

  Declan did the only thing he could think of. He called MacKenzie. She picked up on the first ring.

  “Declan? Please tell me Taylyn is with you.”

  “Yah, she’s here at JD’s. I’m scared, Mac, something is wrong.”

  “I’m on my way. Don’t let her leave. And please, do not leave her alone. Watch her.”

  Watch her. The words sent a wave of fear through him. He knew what that meant. He was right to be scared. Taylyn was in a dark place. He leaned against the bar and did as MacKenzie asked. He watched her.

  Chapter 17

  The front door swung open and MacKenzie rushed in, heading straight for the bar. A tall guy followed along behind her, taking a seat on the bar stool next to James. In the twenty minutes it had taken MacKenzie to arrive, Taylyn still had not moved. Declan had a sick feeling in his stomach. He knew this was bad. It was breaking his heart.

  “How long has she been here? We have been looking for her for hours.” MacKenzie looked at Taylyn the whole time she was speaking. She turned back to Declan. “Thanks for calling me. Have you met Sebastian?”

  MacKenzie waved to the man sitting beside James, then went to Taylyn in the booth. She soon had Taylyn cradled in her arms, rocking her slowly and rubbing her back. Why hadn’t he thought of that? Declan breathed a sigh of relief. Taylyn would be okay. He joined James and Sebastian at the end of the bar, keeping one eye on the corner booth.

  “You must be Sebastian. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Declan.”

  “Nice to meet you. Can I get a pint of Fosters?”

  “Coming right up. James, you good?”

  Declan drew the pint from the tap and grab two Buds for him and James. Screw his no drinking on the job rule. He was going to have a beer.

  “Oh lad, turn up this song,” Sebastian asked, humming the chorus. />
  Declan reached for the volume and increased it a few notches. He had no idea Kenney Chesney was so popular in Scotland. He watched in amusement as Sebastian drummed his fingers along the bar, signing along about a Red Sox cap and baby grays.

  “So you like Kenny Chesney, huh?”

  “Is that who sings it? I just like the song. It makes me think of Kenz.” Sebastian looked behind him and sighed.

  “Dude, you got it bad,” James teased.

  “Ignore him. He’s a cynical prick.”

  “Says the dude that has a two-hundred-song playlist dating back ten years for a girl he had never even been with.”

  “Och, lad. You’ve got it even worse.”

  There was a burst of laughter from the men. Sebastian and James talked among themselves. Declan focused on MacKenzie and Taylyn. MacKenzie looked over at him and shook her head. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of stomach.

  ♡

  Taylyn came out of her fog to the feel of a small hand slowly rubbing her back.

  “That’s it. Let it out, Tay.”

  The voice whispering wasn’t the same voice she always heard, the one that told her she wasn’t wanted. This voice was soft, loving. She knew this voice. Ma. How did she find me? Taylyn buried her face in MacKenzie’s chest, not ready to let go yet. Afraid if she did it would all be a dream and she’d be alone.

  “I’m here, Tay. I love you. Talk to me, sweetie.”

  Taylyn shifted so she was sitting up with her head resting on MacKenzie’s shoulder. MacKenzie held Taylyn’s hand but remained silent. Taylyn looked over to the bar. Declan, Ella, and Autumn were watching them. She felt MacKenzie nod. The girls turned around, but Declan kept watching her.

  “What happened?” MacKenzie asked.

  “Nothing, it’s stupid. I should know better.”

  “It’s not nothing, Taylyn. You were missing for over two hours. We looked everywhere for you. I was so scared.” MacKenzie’s voice cracked as she squeezed Taylyn against her side. “Your sister called, said you left the fitting. You sent Ella a text saying ‘I quit.’ We couldn’t find you. Oh, sweetie, I was so afraid that we were going to lose you.”

  I sent a text to Ella? No. I sent it to Carly.

  Taylyn sat quietly, replaying what MacKenzie had said. It didn’t make sense. Why would she send a text to Ella?

  “I sent the text to Carly.”

  She didn’t recognize the sound of her own voice. It sounded hollow. Her head was spinning. What happened? Why did they always ask what happened? She looked back at the bar. Declan was still watching her. She couldn’t see him clearly from this distance, but she felt some kind of comfort when he looked at her. Declan hadn’t asked her what happened, he had asked her why.

  “At the fitting. They said I was going to ruin the pictures. They didn’t want me there. They said I was too fat. Ashley pinched me.”

  Taylyn rambled on, not sure if she was making sense. The whole time, she stared at Declan. She tried to remember what happened next. Ashley pinched her. Kayla said something. Carly didn’t stop them.

  “Funny, Carly didn’t mention any of that when she called because she was so concerned about you. An hour after you’d been missing. It was the text to Ella that began our search. We were already looking for you when Carly called.”

  “I didn’t text Ella. I sent it to Carly; I was quitting the wedding.”

  Things were starting to come back to her. She had left the fitting, texted Carly, and . . . what?

  “Well, Ella got the text no matter who you thought you sent it to. She called Autumn and me, and we started searching for you.”

  What happen after I texted Carly?

  “Why did you come to JD’s?”

  That question grabbed her attention. Why did she come here? “It’s about the only bar I can still enter, and I needed a drink.”

  “I see. So why is that pitcher still full? Are you sure you didn’t come here for someone and not a drink?”

  Taylyn looked at Declan again. He hadn’t moved from his spot. He stood behind the bar, his arms folded across chest, just watching.

  “You know that boy is crazy about you, right?”

  “What?”

  Taylyn looked away from Declan and turned to face MacKenzie. Taylyn shook her head. Declan wasn’t crazy about her. They were friends.

  “Yes, he is.”

  “No, we’re barely friends. I’ve only been talking to him for a few weeks.”

  MacKenzie laughed harder. “Oh, Tay. That boy has been in love with you since forever.”

  No, that can’t be right. They were never together. They barely saw each other outside of school. MacKenzie was wrong. For the first time since Taylyn had known her, MacKenzie was wrong. Declan was not in love then, and he wasn’t in love with her now.

  “Do you remember Sophomore year homecoming? That dickhead Bryce made a fool of you in the middle of the dance floor, and when he was back in school Monday, he was sporting a black eye? That was Declan. He went after him. For you.”

  Declan did that? Why had he never told her?

  “You didn’t come here for a drink, Taylyn. Your heart led you here. It knew where you needed to be.”

  “But he wasn’t here. I was alone. With the voice.”

  Everything was coming back in pieces. She left the fitting. She drove. She wanted to see Declan. She came here, and he wasn’t here. And the voice was so loud. She needed to numb the pain. She needed to quiet the voice. She ordered a pitcher.

  “I think I might be an alcoholic.”

  The words came unbidden. Maybe she was. She did drink a lot, and it usually caused problems. She hadn’t been taking her meds like she should have. Things were bound to explode. How much damage had she done this time? Were the cops looking for her? Did she break her probation?

  “I think I need help.”

  MacKenzie hugged her tightly and whispered in her ear, “And we’ll be right there for you. All of us. Declan included. You’re not alone, Tay.”

  Two Months Later

  Taylyn had spent three weeks at Fulton Hospital on the Dual Diagnosis ward. The doctor adjusted her medication. She attended group therapy for both her BPD and her alcoholism. There was some intensive individual therapy where she began working on identifying triggers and building healthy coping skills.

  The first week she was restricted to the unit. No contact with the outside world. She found herself missing Declan and longed to hear his voice. When she was allowed visitors, he was the first one there. He kept coming back twice a week. He was there for her, and he promised he would always be there for her. She wanted so badly to believe him.

  After her discharge, she moved into one of the rooms above JD’s, probably not the best place to move to when trying to stay sober, but she had already given notice that she was moving. Declan and the girls had moved her belongings and cat from the studio into her new room while she was in the hospital.

  She had left Fulton with twenty-one days sobriety. She added seven days to that but relapsed when she received her grades. She had failed all three of her courses. Declan found her in her room with a bottle of Jack. He had taken it away from her and held her all night.

  Taylyn was close to getting her thirty-day chip, she only needed to not drink. One day at a time.

  Autumn’s car slowed to a stop. Taylyn had no idea where they had taken her; she was blindfolded in the back seat. The doors opened, and she felt a set of hands guiding her out. The girls gripped her bicep and started leading her away from the car. She could feel loose dirt under her feet, then the ground changed. It was harder. There was a rustle of leaves. She could feel them tickling her feet. Ella had had her dress in sandals, capris, and a tank top, but she wouldn’t tell her why. Taylyn was thankful they were having an unusually warm Fall this year.

  “Are we there yet? Ow!”

  She stubbed her toe on something hard, most likely a rock. She wished she could take the damn blindfold off. They stopped walking.


  “Yah, we’re here. No, don’t take the blindfold off yet.”

  Taylyn felt herself being turned around and walked a few steps backward. A cool metal touched her shoulders, making her flinch. Her ass pressed against something that felt an awful lot like the bumper of a truck.

  “Okay. Now, don’t move. Count to twenty, then take off the blindfold.”

  She heard another rustling of leaves. It grew softer until she couldn’t hear anything at all. She sighed and began counting.