Every Day I Loved You

by Robin Edwards

  “Don’t you think that’s a little too much,” he asked after I had inhaled several shots within a short time frame between of each of them. I had an immediate buzz going on or maybe I was drunk, I couldn’t tell. It felt good to have the edge taken off the stress I endured this week.

  “No, this is fun. Have some!” I said as I waved my hand to grab the attention of the bartender. I needed more drinks.

  “No, you don’t,” Liam said grabbing my hand before the bartender noticed. “I’m taking you home right now.”

  “Why? Are you mad, party pooper?”

  “We aren’t doing this here,” he said authoritatively.

  “Stop trying to be my dad,” I said pulling my arm away from him.

  “We aren’t doing this here, Mags,” he warned again as he urged me off the stool.

  “Leave me alone. I’m having fun.” I pulled out of his reach again.

  “Mags, don’t do this right now.”

  “This isn’t even about you, Liam. There are just some things in the world that aren’t about you. Can’t I just deal with things my way? Stop trying to control everything.” I walked away.

  “Mags, wait up. Deal with what? Tell me.” he asked when caught up to me.

  “You always want to know everything don’t you? Why? Why do you always insist on knowing every little thing about what’s going on with me? Just take me home Liam, I want to go home.”

  “Okay, I’ll take you home.” he agreed.

  Liam placed his hand on the small of my back and walked me back to his SUV which was parked down the street. I may have been buzzed or drunk far more than I ever have in a long time but I still believed I had enough common sense and awareness to know that I didn’t need his shit right now.

  After the quick drive back to my house, Liam insisted on helping me up the stairs without my parents seeing and tucking me into bed. I wish he’d stop smothering me.

  “There, you’ve tucked me in. Leave me alone, Liam.” I demanded.

  “Alright,” he said as he stood there, debating on whether to listen to me or ignore what I wanted as usual.

  “I said go home,” I demanded again.

  “Fine.” he relented and then turned to leave.

  NINE

  I don’t know what it was but the minute he started to leave, tears started to well up in my eyes and then fall down my cheeks before I could stop them from happening.

  “Why do you care so much, Liam? I hate you so much!” I cried.

  “Oh, hey now. Shh, love. Don’t cry.” he said hopping into my bed quickly and pulled me to his chest. His arms wrapped around me tightly and he kissed my forehead trying to calm me down which only made me cry harder.

  “Why did it have to happen to me, Liam? What did I do that was so wrong?” I rambled.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, hon. He’s just an arrogant git.”

  “It’s your fault you’re so nice.”

  “My fault?”

  “If you weren’t so amazing to me, I wouldn’t have expected amazing things from Roger.”

  “You don’t deserve to be treated poorly, Mags.”

  “If I had nothing to compare Roger to, I would have been just fine with the way he was and he wouldn’t have cheated.”

  “It’s not your fault he didn’t treat you the way you should be treated. Don’t you ever blame yourself for his mistakes, you hear me?”

  “It hurts so much, Liam.” I grabbed his shirt and I cried into it, drenching it quickly.

  “I know it does, hon, but it’ll be okay. I’m here for you,” he said kissing my forehead again as he continued to hold me and shushing me occasionally.

  We just sat there on my bed in silence while he calmed me down and after a while when my breathing and tears finally started to subside I finally spoke, “I’m so stupid.”

  “No, you’re not.”

  “It wouldn’t be my fault if I didn’t just suck so much and then fail at life. I mean who does that?”

  “If it’s anyone’s fault it’s Roger’s but it’s my fault too. I should have been there for you but I wasn’t. I wanted to, every single day but I didn’t try hard enough.”

  “Why didn’t you?” I asked. I was starting to get sleepy and I snuggled closer to his body, inhaling his scent.

  “You didn’t want me to be there and I wanted to respect your wishes,” he admitted.

  “I wished you would have come.” I yawned.

  “What?”

  “I wished you would come anyway but I didn’t want you to at the same time because…”

  “Because of what?”

  “Why didn’t you ever kiss me, Liam?” I rambled

  “What?”

  “We spent every day together for almost two years. You spent a night with me every day and not once did you try to kiss me.”

  “Hon, I think it’s the tequila talking. Maybe it’s time for you to go to bed,” he said letting me go so that he could get up and tuck me in again but I grabbed his tear-drenched shirt and stopped him.

  “Do you want to kiss me now? It’s been six years.” I looked up at him.

  “Mags…do you even know what you’re saying?” he whispered.

  “Answer the question.” I moved closer to him, my lips stopped an inch away from his.

  Liam's hand caressed my cheek as his eyes sought mine. He tucked wandering strands of hair away from my face and I sincerely believed he was going to kiss me right then and there, but he didn’t, “Go to sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning. We’ll talk about everything then.”

  The following morning I woke up with the biggest hangover of my life and fortunately for me I didn’t feel too nauseated because I hate vomiting. It hurt my stomach and I just hated the burning sensation that would flare up in my nose.

  I learned a long time ago that although it’s fun to drink because it made you feel happier and braver, the hangovers and the fact that I barely remembered anything from the night before wasn’t entirely worth it. I’m not sure why I drank so much at Liam’s friend’s party but I hoped I didn’t do anything to embarrass him.

  An hour later, Liam showed up with a hangover kit: aspirin, bottled water, a can of lemon-lime soda, a pack of gum, protein bar, and a few other essential items.

  “How are you doing, hon?” he asked as he sat down next to me.

  “Like shit.” I laughed but feeling terrible was anything but funny.

  “Well that happens when you think you can handle a lot of tequila.” he laughed with me.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I should have stuck with beer at the party. I hope I didn’t do anything to embarrass your friends.” I apologized.

  “Don’t worry, you didn’t.”

  “I didn’t do anything embarrassing did I? I honestly don’t remember anything. Everything is just so hazy.”

  “No you didn’t do anything at the party, you didn’t get drunk there.”

  “Oh, that’s right. We went to a bar right?”

  “Yeah, we went to Jones’ bar for a bit,” he said quietly.

  “I got drunk there, right? I didn’t embarrass you too much did I?” I winced.

  “No more than usual.” he smiled.

  “Oh shut up.” I slapped him on the arm. “Ugh, don’t make me laugh. It makes my migraine hurt even more.”

  “That is why I brought you the essentials. Drink and eat up and I’ll check in on you later, yeah?”

  “Thank you, Liam, but you don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I don’t mind hanging out with you.”

  “You need your rest, hon. I’ve got some reading and writing to do anyway,” he said as he got up and headed towards the door. “You sure you don’t remember anything?”

  “No, should I? I did do something embarrassing didn’t I. Tell me!”

  “No, you didn’t do anything you should be ashamed of. I’ll be back later, I promise.” he smiled and then shut my bedroom door after he left.

  If I were to hate one thing about Liam i
t would be the fact that despite him wanting me to be open and honest about myself, he rarely did the same when it came to his thoughts as much as he insisted he did. As much as I’d like to sit there and figure Liam and his mysterious ways out, I didn’t feel like thinking any more than I had to. I just wanted to shut my curtains, crawl under my covers and sleep the pain away.

  Liam stopped by a few hours later after some much-needed rest and thankfully I felt 100% better and asked if I wanted to come to see him perform at Popping Bean, an establishment that was a coffee shop during the day but flipped to a lounge at night. According to Liam, tonight was their Local Artists event and he was one of the individuals that were going to perform for those that bought a ticket to watch.

  I’ve always known Liam could sing but I’ve never really seen him perform and I was interested in seeing it happen even though I still felt really weak and groggy after my nap. I also wanted to be there and support him in the things that he was really passionate about.

  When we arrived, the place was packed and although I didn’t have a ticket, the event organizers allowed me to attend because I knew Liam but they just couldn’t guarantee me a seat because they were sold out according to seat capacity so I had to stand in the back against the wall.

  After several people went on stage to perform comedy, poetry, instrumental music and magic, it was Liam’s turn on stage. He didn’t even perform yet but I had goosebumps all over my arms. I was nervous despite knowing that he’s performed a million times before on stage over the years but this was the first time I would see this side of him.

  Liam pulled up a stool in front of the mic and sat down as he adjusted his acoustic guitar on his lap.

  “Hello, everyone!” Liam said as the audience clapped. “I want to thank all of you for being here today and to Popping Bean for giving me the opportunity to showcase my music every month. Uh, this song I’m about to sing is near and dear to my heart even though I wrote it only a few hours ago. It’s a little rough but I hope all of you like it. It’s called, Only you.”

  Liam started to pluck the strings on his guitar emitting soft and slow melodic chords before he sang:

  I’d give anything just to be sixteen again,

  I could only imagine what we could have done

  and where we could have been.

  Seeing old movies on the other side of town,

  In my arms, as you’re leaning in,

  Long talks, your tears are falling down.

  Everything changed and suddenly you weren’t around,

  Moved on and grown up, I looked for you my little buddy,

  I’m no longer the same but I hope you’re still proud.

  Stealing jackets, messy hair, and that cheesy smile,

  I don’t know what I’d do without you

  Why don’t you try and stay for a while?

  Imagine all the trouble we’d get into,

  Stay up late, break some rules, watch TV

  A little longer, can I stay with you?

  Everything changed and suddenly you weren’t around,

  I looked for you my little buddy, moved on and grew up,

  I’m no longer the same but I hope you’re still proud…

  “Go Liam!” someone shouted spurring screams and claps from the rest of the audience. I looked up and it was Cherie sitting in the front row and off to the side with a big smile coming from Liam when he noticed.

  Tears started to form and well up in my eyes and it started to bring me back to a place I’ve avoided for a long time and everything started to become too much. I don’t know what it was, whether it was seeing this side of Liam, his words, Cherie being present, Liam’s acknowledgment, Roger…I don’t know. All I knew was it was too much and I had to get out of there.

  I slipped out the doors as quickly as I could and managed to flag down a taxi before the end of Liam’s performance because he’d only try to stop me. I didn’t want him to force me to talk or to feel. He was just too much sometimes and I didn’t want to run into him. I didn’t want to go home because he’d just only find me there and force his way into getting me to talk and I wasn’t going to let that happen.

  After wandering around aimlessly for hours, with my phone shut off, I found myself drifting towards home because I realized like with California and Roger, this place reminded me of Liam. Did I have some sort of foolish pattern that I kept walking into?

  Liam’s truck was in his driveway and I wasn’t looking forward to dealing with him tomorrow but I had nowhere to go. My life was literally reduced to a duffel bag and a cereal box without milk and I didn’t know who I was anymore.

  After trotting upstairs towards my bedroom, I walked through my bedroom door only to find Liam sitting up on my bed asleep in the dim light. He looked like he had been there for hours worried, wondering where I was, waiting for me to come home.

  I grabbed my pajamas and a spare blanket quietly so I could sleep on the couch in the living room downstairs. I didn’t want to disturb him, he looked too peaceful sleeping there.

  “Where were you?” Liam asked as I tried to tip toe as quietly as I could out the door. I glanced back at him waking up, his eyes hurt with confusion.

  “Liam…”

  “Mags, I asked you a question. Where did you go? You left without saying goodbye.”

  There was raw emotion in his voice and for a second I wasn’t sure whether he was referring to tonight or six years ago. It didn’t really matter, I wasn’t ready to answer either one no matter the circumstances.

  “Please don’t ask me.” my eyes shut tight, head bowed.

  TEN

  “Why did you leave?” Liam asked again. He stood up from the bed slowly, walking towards me only to stop within a foot of me. He lifted my chin up again, forcing me to look at him. He was hurt, he wanted answers and he wasn’t going to respect my wishes regardless of what I wanted.

  “Liam…” I looked up at him, my eyes pleading.

  “Why did you leave?” he whispered.

  “Cherie…” I said pulling out of his grasp.

  “What about her?”

  “Do you like her, Liam?” I asked.

  “What? What does she have anything to do with you and me?”

  “It has everything to do with us, Liam. Do you like her or not?” I asked again.

  “What is it you’re really trying to say, Mags? Just say it.”

  I couldn’t say what he wanted me to say, I didn’t like where this was going and it only reminded me of the day I caught Liam with Brooke and the weeks of sorrow I endured as I watched him slowly drift away. He never understood how much losing him, hurt me. Yes, Liam, I wanted to watch movies forever with you.

  “You don’t get it do you, Mags?” he shook his head in frustration. His hand rubbed the back of his neck as he started to pace back around, choosing his words carefully.

  “Get what?” I sniffed, on the verge of crying again.

  Liam stopped pacing and looked at me for what seemed like a long time and then stepped towards me before he spoke. He reached up to hold my face in his hands, his thumbs caressing my flushed skin.

  “Don’t you see, Mags? It’s you. It’s always been you. There has never been anyone else.”

  That’s all it took for the waterworks to stream down my cheeks, “What about all of those girls you dated. Didn’t you just break up with your last girlfriend recently? Weren’t you with her for about a year? That’s a long time Liam.”

  “She pursued me for a year and we only dated for a couple of months before I broke it off.”

  “Why did you?” I asked.

  “Are you actually asking me why? Why do you think it ended when it did?”

  “I don’t fucking know why, I’m not you. That’s why I’m asking.”

  “Bloody hell, woman, I broke it off because she wasn’t you!” Liam continued pacing around and then sighed before he continued. “When your mum told me you were coming home, I ended it with her right away.”

  “Why?”<
br />
  “Don’t you get what I’m trying to say to you? Do you even understand how I feel for you? I love you. I have always loved you. There has never been anyone else. Mags, I’ve tried to move on when I realized you weren’t coming back but it’s never been enough for me. No one will ever be enough for me.”

  Liam looked at me, there was a lot of pain in his eyes and I felt like an idiot because I never considered how much he had hurt this entire time. I never imagined he cared that much. Liam stepped closer and took out what looked like my leather journal from the breast pocket from inside his jacket.

  “Hey, that’s my journal! Where did you get that?”

  “I found it on your bed when I came upstairs to get your wallet. I read it, Mags. I read everything you said in here. Is it true?”

  “Is what true?” I said as I sniffed, taking my journal from his hands.

  “Did you run off with that git because I hurt you that much? Is it my fault I lost you for years?” he asked.

  “You really hurt me, Liam. You don’t understand how much I cared about you back then. Sure you called when you could but I was miserable over the summer and I was looking forward to the day you were going to come back and we would go to the movies, stuff ourselves full of pizza and then argue until dawn about the stupidest things.” I laughed with tears slipping down my cheeks.

  “I missed you too, Mags.”

  “When you came back with your new look and you started getting all of this attention, you started to forget about me. You resisted the attention at first but then as senior year went on you started to enjoy it and you were actually being nice to the assholes that were never nice to us.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I could have forgiven all of that but when you went to prom with Brooke and …ugh, I don’t’ even want to say it. That was it for me, Liam. I decided that I didn’t want to hurt anymore and there was Roger, this hot guy who wanted to be with me.”

  “I only went to the prom because I overheard Roger asking you and you agreed.”