Daddy Christmas

by Cathy Gillen Thacker

  Gretchen knew that Matt did not like to discuss the current difficulties he was having with his kids with her, but maybe it was time to take the bull by the horns whether he liked it or not. It was pretty clear this situation was not going to get resolved by itself, at least not anytime soon. And Gretchen, for one, thought it had dragged on long enough.

  “Have you heard from Luke and Sassy?” Gretchen asked as she and Matt gravitated back to the living room, where a fire was still burning in the grate.

  “Not since the blowup, no,” Matt confirmed as he sank down on the sofa beside her.

  Gretchen turned toward him, her cheek resting against the hardness of his shoulder. “Have you tried?”

  He nodded and absently stroked her hair. “I’ve left messages on their machines at school.”

  So had Gretchen. “And?”

  He dropped his hand. “They haven’t called back.”

  Her, either. Gretchen exhaled wearily. Once again, they were headed into tumultuous territory. “So what are you going to do?”

  Matt shrugged and pushed away from the sofa restlessly. “The only thing I can. Wait.”

  “Matt...”

  “As much as I would like to do so, Gretchen,” he countered quietly, almost apologetically, “I can’t force them to feel good about the new baby.”

  Nor could she. Gretchen watched him remove the fire screen and kneel before the grate. The disappointment he felt showing on his ruggedly handsome face, he picked up the poker and arranged the burning logs more efficiently. Finished, he put the poker back in the firestand and replaced the screen. Dusting off his hands, he turned back to her, his expression grim but accepting as he leaned against the mantel.

  Gretchen shook her head sadly. She lifted her eyes to his. “This is all my fault,” she whispered.

  “No, it’s not.” He closed the distance between them and, pulling up the ottoman, sat down opposite her. He covered her hand with his and continued softly, “What’s happening between us began years ago, when my marriage to Vivian first began going bad.”

  Needing to hear about this, Gretchen leaned forward raptly. “And that was when exactly?”

  “When the kids were in junior high. She was really restless, tired of the status quo.” He tightened his hand over hers. Recalling, he shook his head grimly. “I’d had some lucrative offers for Hale Drilling and she wanted me to sell my business so that we could concentrate on living the good life.” His lips set unhappily. “When I refused, she became increasingly restless. She began taking off for days at a time, just to get away, to think. The kids began to get a little nervous. Maybe I should have let her go then,” Matt said, the hurt he’d felt reflected in his eyes.

  “But all I could think about was the happy, solid upbringing I’d had as a kid and how much I wanted that for my children.” Matt grimaced. “So I pressured her into staying in the marriage until all our kids were finished with high school. I promised her that if she did, I’d be much more generous in the divorce settlement.”

  “So you knew all along it was going to end,” Gretchen stated cautiously. Just as we know our marriage is going to end.

  Matt shook his head. “I kept thinking this was just a phase she was going through, a midlife crisis. I thought all I had to do was try hard enough and everything would work out, that we’d be able to sort through our problems and keep our family together.”

  “But it didn’t work,” Gretchen guessed. Realizing how much Matt had been hurt, her heart went out to him.

  “Not only that, our staying together was ultimately harder on the kids.” Again he shook his head in silent regret. “The turmoil bubbling just below the surface left them feeling more insecure, unhappy, than they would have otherwise.” Matt clamped his lips together in weary self-remonstration. “I should have let Vivian go when she first wanted out of the marriage. But then, hindsight is always better.”

  Gretchen nodded, understanding. She had made her own share of mistakes. She knew how hard it was to give up on a marriage, even one that wasn’t working. She linked hands with him. “If only we knew then, what we know now.”

  Their eyes met.

  Another, longer, silence fell between them, and the peace that came with understanding each other a little more.

  “About ready to go up to bed?” he asked finally.

  Gretchen nodded as he got to his feet. She was as eager to leave their tumultuous romantic pasts behind, and move into the future as he was. She rose gracefully. “I just need to get a glass of milk and take my prenatal vitamins.”

  “I’ll bring the milk up to you,” he offered, before she could even start in the direction of the kitchen.

  “All right. I’ll meet you in the bedroom.”

  Gretchen had just slipped off her sweater and tugged a thigh-length flannel nightshirt over her head, when Matt came in and set the tray on the bed. He’d brought a glass of milk for himself, and a small plate of oatmeal-raisin cookies. When she grinned at the sweet treat, he shrugged offhandedly and said, “What’s life without a little indulgence now and then?”

  Gretchen sat down and kicked off her tennis shoes. One thing they’d found out about each other quickly was that they both liked cookies and milk before bed each night. “Somehow I knew you’d say that,” she murmured.

  Matt caught a glimpse of the garments hanging in the front of her walk-in closet, price tags still attached. “New clothes?”

  Gretchen nodded as she slipped off her slacks.

  “I didn’t know you’d been shopping.”

  She sat down on the edge of the bed and began her twice daily ritual of smoothing lotion on her legs and arms. “Marissa and I went the other day.”

  He pointed to the price tags. “You haven’t worn them yet,” he noted.

  Gretchen defended herself staunchly. “I’m working up to it.” She didn’t know why, but she felt a little shy about him seeing her in maternity clothes.

  He looked through, finding only two pairs of slacks and two shirts, then turned back to her, watching intently as she rubbed lotion over one calf. “That’s all you got?”

  Gretchen put a final dollop of scented lotion on her palm and recapped the bottle. “There wasn’t much selection.” At least in my price range.

  His expression gentled as she transferred the lotion to both palms and smoothed it over her forearms. “Maybe I should go with you,” he suggested. “Help out, drive you around. At least help pay for them—”

  Blushing, Gretchen held up both hands in stop sign fashion. “No...no....” This was her expense. She’d taken enough from Matt as it was. He was also going to be footing the hospital costs for both her and the baby. Besides, it was bad enough Marissa had seen her in one fashion disaster after another.

  “Gretchen, you need more clothes than this,” Matt insisted.

  “Not to worry.” Gretchen bounded off the bed and, clad only in socks and nightshirt, raced into the adjacent bath. She picked up her hairbrush and began running it through her hair. “Angela promised to help me find some material, when we were doing the dishes tonight. I think we’re going to sew most of my other maternity clothes. That way I can have exactly what I want.”

  Matt, who’d followed her to the door of the master bath, quirked a brow. “Particular, hmm?”

  Gretchen made a face. “As if you’re not,” she retorted.

  “So, what about your new clothes?” He folded his arms in front of him and braced a shoulder against the frame. “Going to model them for me?”

  “One of these days.” When I work up the nerve.

  He sauntered closer. “You’re blushing.”

  “No.” Gretchen spun away.

  Hand on her shoulder, he spun her back. “You’re self-conscious about being seen in maternity clothes.”

  “No. Well, yes.” Gretchen held her hairbrush in front of her in a two-handed grip. “All right, I am.”

  He studied her upturned face and asked softly, lovingly, “How come?”

  Gret
chen’s heart pounded at his nearness. She wished he didn’t see so much. “I don’t know.” She wet her suddenly dry lips. I just don’t want things to change between us.

  “It won’t make a difference,” Matt said, reading her mind. He stroked a hand down her hair, teasing gently, “I’m going to desire you to my dying day.”

  Keeping her eyes locked on his, Gretchen put her hairbrush aside. “We’ll see,” she replied cautiously, but inside her heart was already soaring.

  His eyes sparked with an ardor that promised many more nights of passionate lovemaking. “Probably,” he drawled.

  Gretchen tossed him a sassy look. “Help me turn down the bed,” she ordered playfully, already anticipating what was going to happen next.

  He saluted her, his mood just as playful. “Yes, ma’am.”

  They had just positioned themselves on opposite sides of the king-size bed and begun to turn down the bedspread, when Gretchen felt it. A tiny flutter, like a quickening. “Oh!” Startled, she put her hand to her tummy.

  “What?” Matt looked instantly alarmed.

  “My God.” Gretchen froze. There it went again.

  He leapt across the bed to her side. “What is it?” he demanded, his face ashen.

  Gretchen took his hand and put it on her tummy. No sooner had his palm flattened over her skin than she felt it again. A slight flutter. Kind of like a...a kick?

  “The baby moved,” Matt whispered, as awestruck as she was. “Gretchen...our baby moved.”

  Without warning, happy tears were flowing down Gretchen’s face. “I can’t believe it,” she murmured, feeling completely overcome with maternal pride.

  “This is the first time then?” Matt asked hoarsely, his eyes shimmering as their baby kicked again and yet again.

  Gretchen nodded excitedly, joyful tears still sliding down her cheeks, and let out a shaky laugh. She looked down at the curve of her belly. Suddenly, losing her shape did not seem the tragedy that it had in the dressing room. Suddenly, she thought it was a very good thing. She patted the curve of her belly affectionately. “I think he’s a rodeo star.”

  Matt grinned. “She might be a girl, you know.”

  Without warning, the fluttering faded, then disappeared altogether. Her heart still racing with a mixture of joy and excitement, Gretchen waited and waited. Nothing happened. “Oh,” she said, disappointed as the moments drew out, one after another, with no further baby activity. The corners of her mouth turned down sadly. “She’s stopped.”

  Matt’s elation hadn’t faded in the least. Every inch the proud papa, he said, “Trust me, it won’t be too long before she’s doing gymnastics in there at all hours of every day and night.”

  Gretchen couldn’t wait. “Oh, Matt,” she murmured, so glad he was there to share this miracle with her. “I’ve never felt anything so great.”

  Face full of wonder, Matt agreed. “That’s because it’s not a pregnancy anymore, or a cause for morning sickness and leg cramps and all sorts of other indignities. It’s a baby.”

  “A real, live, kicking, playing baby,” Gretchen finished through her tears. Their baby.

  Wrapping an arm about her shoulders, Matt bent and kissed her tenderly. “You are beautiful, you know that? Beautiful and incredibly radiant.”

  So are you, Gretchen thought, the sentimental tears flowing down her face all the harder. She launched herself all the way into his arms and hugged him hard. “Oh, Matt. Thank you,” she whispered against his shirtfront, holding him close. “Thank you so much.” Standing on tiptoe, she kissed him joyously, fully, on the mouth.

  Matt threaded his fingers through her hair, trailed a hand down her face. “For what?” he asked softly.

  Gretchen splayed her hands across his chest. Beneath her fingers, she could feel the strong, steady beat of his heart. She could feel for herself what a solid, wonderful man Matt was. “For being here. For the baby.” For everything.

  “Oh, that.” He grinned at the memory. “That was my pleasure.”

  Their look lengthened longingly.

  “Mine, too,” Gretchen replied.

  Matt glanced at her tummy, then her face, before his expression became completely unreadable once again. Gretchen would’ve given anything to know what he was really thinking and feeling at that moment, but once more he had reined in his emotions, worries and concerns and put up a firewall she couldn’t cross. It was as though he would allow them to become so close, and then he would stop.

  “Don’t forget to take your vitamins,” he reminded her gently.

  She nodded, knowing as did he, how important it was that she take care of herself and the baby. “Right.”

  Realizing they’d never been so emotional, so vulnerable around each other, thinking that perhaps this was what was bothering him, that their temporary coparenting/shared-space arrangement was beginning to seem a little too permanent, Gretchen pulled herself together and turned away. She drank her milk and swallowed her pill.

  Still unusually quiet, Matt went to brush his teeth. He returned clad only in his boxers and helped her finish turning down the bed. They climbed in on their respective sides. He set the alarm and switched off the light.

  They lay on their backs in the darkness. Hand on her tummy, Gretchen waited for another kick, another flutter. But none came. She waited for Matt to go to sleep. That didn’t happen, either. They just lay there, the moonlight streaming over them in ribbons of iridescent light.

  “Matt?” Gretchen murmured after a while.

  “Hmm?”

  She stared at the ceiling, knowing she had to ask, even if she wouldn’t like the answer. “Do you think it’s possible to have a good marriage—a real marriage—without traditional romantic love?” Or were they fooling themselves into thinking this could actually work...on any level?

  Matt rolled onto his side and smoothed a hand down her hip. “So far it seems to be an effective and successful arrangement for us,” he replied cautiously, feeling an overall contentment.

  But right now was a very magical time, Gretchen thought wistfully. She turned toward him, laying a hand on his chest, as the doubts and fears that had been with her since she had first agreed to marry him for the baby’s sake began to crowd her thoughts. She bit her lip uncertainly. “But when the baby’s born...”

  “That’s a long way away,” Matt reminded her as he shifted toward her impatiently and drew her into his arms. He aligned her against him, surrounding her with his warmth. “A lot can happen between now and then.”

  Gretchen splayed her hand across the downy mat of hair on his chest. “But—”

  His kiss was his reply. Saved from further discussion, Gretchen lost herself in the wonder of the passion they shared. This was enough, she thought, for now. It had to be enough. For their baby’s sake, for her own, she couldn’t, wouldn’t, allow herself to think any other way.

  * * *

  MATT LAY in the darkness, a sleeping Gretchen cuddled in his arms, his body sated from their lovemaking. He knew he had taken the coward’s way out by cutting short their conversation, instead making love to her with every ounce of passion and tenderness he possessed.

  She’d given him no choice.

  He didn’t want to think about her leaving him once the baby was born and she no longer needed him to see her through her pregnancy.

  Maybe their splitting up was inevitable, given the circumstances of their involvement, but he wouldn’t think about it now or let that spoil things. Right now, he wanted to stay in the present, enjoy the moment, savor having Gretchen in his life, carrying his child. As for everything else...they had already discovered they had more than just a baby in common, that they lived together well and got on great.

  Who really knew what the future would bring? They had five more months in which to work things out. Five more months in which miracles could happen....

  Chapter Ten

  May

  “Gretchen, are you comfortable?” Marissa asked, as she turned on the ultrasound equip
ment.

  Gretchen took Matt’s hand, glad he had come to this doctor’s appointment with her. “My position on the table is fine,” Gretchen replied, working to curtail the edge of nervous anticipation in her voice. “I don’t know about the rest of me,” she confided wryly as Matt squeezed her hand reassuringly. “All that water I drank twenty minutes ago is beginning to weigh on me.” She felt as though she’d been driving on a freeway for hours with no rest stop in sight.

  “Ah, yes, I remember that feeling well from my own pregnancies,” Marissa quipped back as she spread a film of gel over Gretchen’s abdomen. “But hang on. The pictures we’re going to see in a few minutes will make you forget all about the discomfort.”

  “What’s the gel for?” Matt asked as he settled more comfortably on the stool they’d brought in for him.

  “It improves the conduction of sound.” Marissa turned on the TV monitor and the nurse moved around to adjust the screen so Matt and Gretchen and Marissa could all see it easily.

  Marissa held up a medical instrument with a long cord. “This is a transducer,” Marissa explained. “I’m going to move it over your tummy and it’s going to record echoes of sound waves as they bounce off parts of the baby. From that, we’ll see a picture on the television screen.”

  “Will it hurt?” Gretchen asked.

  “Nope. Not a bit,” Marissa said.

  All eyes turned to the screen. “Oh, my gosh,” Gretchen said as a blurry picture of a gently moving baby began to appear. “Is that...is that the baby?” she asked, incredulous.

  “Yes. If you look here,” Marissa said softly, pointing out a small, throbbing area in the center of the baby’s chest, “you can even see your little one’s heart beating. And here’s the curve of the spine...the head...the arms...and the legs.”

  “Wow,” Matt breathed. Like Gretchen, he was unable to take his eyes off the screen. “The technology is so much better these days than when I had my other kids.”

  Marissa grinned, every bit as happy about the advances in technology. “Isn’t it, though,” she said softly.

  “This is so incredible,” Gretchen said, totally blown away by the enormity of actually seeing, not just feeling, her baby in her womb. “I can see the baby. I can see everything!”