by Lisa Ladew
“You aren’t withering.”
The catamount seemed pleased with the conversation, like she didn’t get enough of talking with another being. She lay down in the flowers, rather like a housecat grown 25 times too big, curling her tail around her haunches, and surveying the place where the meadow ended like she owned it.
I am a guardian, she said. I resist the withering because if a siege is laid upon this meadow, all has been lost and the very world is ending.
Leilani took a deep breath. “Can you stop the end of the world?”
The catamount bobbed her head slightly, and curled one lip, showing mean fangs. I am trying, exactly as you are. You fight. We all fight every day.
The catamount’s head lifted and turned slightly, her ears twisting behind her.
Don’t leave the path, she said, and she was up and moving toward the center of the meadow without a sound, pink leaves not even daring to crunch under her feet.
Leilani watched her go, until her slinky, slow-moving form disappeared at the end of the path where it curved into the meadow. She held her breath, not knowing what had caught the catamount’s attention, hoping it was nothing dangerous.
Thinking like prey again, her mind told her. Did you see the catamount? She was hoping it was something dangerous.
Leilani nodded to herself. She was still prey. Nothing was that easy. Just telling her that she was a predator wasn’t enough to make her feel it.
5 – The Beast kills the Alpha
Jaggar Lockport, locked inside himself, wrestled with his dual nature, trying desperately to have some affect or influence on the beast. The beast did not slow, did not turn, did not acknowledge him in any way. Jaggar dug in his heels, or tried to dig in the beast’s heels, tried to slow or stop him just a little. It didn’t work.
Jaggar listened hard through the beast’s ravaged ears, paying attention to the way the beast’s body felt on the trail, and where the night’s breeze was coming from, trying to determine which way they were heading. Still southeast. Toward home, and that was bad.
They’d been traveling for days through the forest and the farmlands and the small towns, barely sleeping, rarely stopping, unless the beast felt like venting his anger on some trash cans or street lights. Jaggar was surprised they hadn’t been shot yet. It was a good thing he was already kicked out if the KSRT or he would have been in deep shit for this fiasco. The beast did not care about secrecy, did not care about anything, it seemed. Anything except moving, and killing.
The beast had traveled northwest for a day and a half, and then inexplicably turned around, moving faster on the way back.
The beast snorted, snuffed, and growled, looking behind them on the trail. Jaggar leaned forward trying to catch the beast’s intentions. He could, but only in the broadest sense. The beast thought someone was following them. One of the KSRT?
Jaggar spoke in ruhi, a general broadcast to any nearby wolven. Who’s there? Trent? Troy? Canyon? Timber?
Probably Trent and Troy. Definitely not Harlan. No answer came back to him.
Khain?
But the beast would know if it was Khain. The beast had the same unhealthy but necessary obsession about Khain that all the rest of the KSRT did. The beast would know if it was one of Khain’s marked foxen. Would he know if it was Grey? Jaggar didn’t know.
The beast settled. Maybe it was nothing. Jaggar settled also, unable to stop his thoughts from wondering if the beast was heading back to Serenity with murder on his mind. Murder of Harlan, for kissing Jaggar’s mate, Leilani. How dare he? How DARE he? Again, Jaggar’s blood pressure rose and his mind felt in danger of overheating. He was trapped in the beast’s form, which was moving misshapenly down the forest path, and he could not even run off the rage. The beast snarled into the cool night air. The noise of his own snarl hurt the beast’s ears and it winced. The snarl died.
Hurts, doesn’t it, buddy? Jaggar thought at it.
Jaggar knew how to deal with the pain. How to shut it down and ignore it until it was almost like it didn’t exist. He’d had many years to learn, but the beast had never been allowed out of the man before and was dealing with the pain that was their inner war for the first time. Jaggar had never let himself shift into the beast, not even once, not even after the bind on his shift was removed.
Let me out, Jaggar thought at his animal. Let me out and I’ll stop the pain. I’ll dial it down so you won’t feel it. You know I know how to do it. I’ll square you away, I’ll take you straight to church.
Nothing. No response at all, like he wasn’t even there. But Jaggar very much was there. Thoughts of his best friend crept back in. The one male he thought would always be there. Harlan. Harlan had touched Leilani. Harlan had kissed Leilani.
Harlan had known Leilani was fated to Jaggar. It had been clear to everyone, even Jaggar, even though he had refused to touch her. Harlan had known and still he had kissed her when Jaggar’s back was turned. Jaggar shook his head inside the beast, another rush of hot emotions spilling through him. The beast growled and snarled, then picked up his speed.
Beast, Jaggar thought at it, we can’t go back. We’ll kill him. You’ll kill him.
No response.
I don’t want to kill my best-I don’t want to kill Harlan, no matter what he did.
Still no response. The beast did want to kill him. Jaggar was entranced with Leilani, with her smell, her look, her voice, her manner, with how fragile she’d seemed. But, if Jaggar was entranced, the beast was already in love. Jaggar could feel it in every cell in his body.
Jaggar wrenched at him, trying to pull him off the path, trying to turn him around.
We can’t. Go. BACK.
He heaved at the front legs of the beast until the beast limped off the path, then ran head-first into a tree. The knock sobered them both, but only slightly. Jaggar came out swinging, fighting to get him under control.
We aren’t going back, he panted, twisting the forward paw, the one the beast was about to land on, so the leg over it buckled and the beast spilled onto the ground.
Other than this small success, the only other time Jaggar had been able to influence the beast at all was when he’d pulled the beast’s claws out of Harlan’s chest, then forced the beast out the window, and he only did that so Leilani didn’t see him kill Harlan. In the moment, he had been all for the vicious mauling of his former friend.
Come on, let’s talk, Jaggar said, while he kept up his protests, trying to trip or slow his animal. He tried harder, putting all of his mental strength into it, until he was panting. Let’s be friends. We’re practically the same… What could he say? Person? No. He let the thought hang. The beast wasn’t acting like he heard a word, anyway.
Jaggar couldn’t talk to the beast like Harlan could talk to his animal. Harlan even knew his wolf’s name, but Jaggar had never heard a word from the beast. They’d never communicated at all. Jaggar had always felt him in there, prowling around in Jaggar’s inner consciousness, but never pining to be out. The beast had known he didn’t belong in this world and he’d never wanted much to do with it, or with Jaggar.
Jaggar didn’t give up wrestling for control. He wanted a look at the animal he was trapped inside, maybe he could find a weakness. He stuck one paw straight out, wrenching the beast’s eyes open, so he could look at the paw. The beast snatched it back and sliced at the ground with it, but Jaggar had seen it for long enough. Dark short fur. Mean claws caked with mud. Roped muscles too big even for his large size. Jaggar did not quite know what he looked like, but he knew it wasn’t right, whatever it was. As the beast, he felt lumpy and misshapen, overgrown, two halves coming together but not making a whole.
His eyes were closed again. Too late, Jaggar sensed the opening in the ground in front of them.
They tipped into it, tumbling to the bottom, the beast scrambling for a foothold or a claw hold anywhere along the long, steep drop. Into the earth they tumbled, landing in a short, squat cave under the ground.
The b
east shook himself and jumped to his feet, whirling to face what was at their back. Danger. Jaggar stopped fighting him.
There were wolves in the cave, wild wolves. Two adults, two pups, their scents strong and hostile. The beast snarled, but only lightly. The vibrations from the snarl seemed to rip and tear at its throat. The beast shook his head, trying to dislodge the constant, ever-present pain that seemed to sink into every muscle and joint.
The cave was dark, only the barest of light coming in from the hole they’d tumbled down, but Jaggar could see at least one wolf. A big male, but a sickly one. He snarled and squared off against the beast, and when he moved, Jaggar could see the wound that festered in his side. He couldn’t believe this male was still alive. He’d been shot with an arrow, days ago probably, and he smelled like advanced infection. Everything about the male spelled death, dying soon, but he advanced on the beast, just the same, in protective mode.
The beast didn’t snarl, but he didn’t back away, either. Beast, leave him be. He’s dying.
Behind the wild wolf, Jaggar could scent, more than see, a female and two just-born pups. The female had been nursing them but now she was up and hiding them, pushing them into a crevice in the wall of the cave. The female had a wound also, but not a fatal one, and her infection had only just set in. She could still be saved. Jaggar’s mind worked. He had no hope of helping any of these wolves, not when he couldn’t control the beast, but still, he had to at least try.
He caught a familiar scent, but he couldn’t think about it because the wild wolf came at them, attacking low, with the very last of its energy.
No! Jaggar cried, but the beast did not hesitate. He let the wolf bite at his belly, while he crunched down on the wolf’s spine, snapping it. The wolf fell to the ground, dead.
Jaggar shook his head and prepared to fight like he’d never fought before. He could only sense the beast’s intentions in very general ways, so he didn’t know if the beast had meant to kill, but he would not sit back and let the beast terrorize the female and her pups.
But the beast did not do so. It gathered itself to leave.
6 – He has Survived Much
Leilani sat on the forest path, cross-legged again. She missed Evie so much. She was still watching Harlan and Evie, just over the “edge” of the meadow. The edge she couldn’t see, but could sense. The forest seemed to continue on forever in the direction of the edge, but one wrong move would send a person over the side, like they were sky-diving straight to earth, but Leilani didn’t think she would end up on earth if she tipped over the side by accident.
She knew that if she imagined herself jumping off, heading for her body, her consciousness would instantly disappear from the meadow and reappear in her body, no travel time involved. But if she lost her footing? Fell and tumbled blindly through the air? She thought no one quite knew what would happen then.
The meadow knew what would happen if the catamount pitched her over the side, but that was one of the secrets of the meadow, one that was withheld from her, shielded inside the minds of both the catamount and Rhen and the small animals that lived there. Leilani imagined it was bad. Worse than bad. Unimaginable.
Leilani crept on hands and knees toward the edge, wanting to touch it, to feel it, to get a sense of it, holding her right hand out in front of her, fingers creeping blindly. A growl sounded from behind her and Leilani pulled her fingers back, then crawled to where she felt safe, her heart beating too hard.
The catamount appeared to her right, then sat, head tall, surveying the edge like she loved it. Her voice was as strong and clear as ever. You were one inch away from your fingers being sheared off forever.
Leilani gasped and curled her right hand into her chest, then her left hand over the top of it. “Why is it so dangerous here?” she gasped.
The catamount chuffed. That cat-laugh again. It is dangerous everywhere, she said.
Leilani had to think about that one. She stared into the trees on the side of the forest path that led to the meadow and had to admit the catamount was right.
They sat that way for many moments, quiet and still, big cat and small woman. Leilani still wore the clothes her sisters (her heart clenched at the word) had dressed her in. Comfortable black sleep leggings and a pretty pink t-shirt. She could change them with her mind if she wanted, but she didn’t. The meadow felt different to her now and she hadn’t asked it for anything yet. She hadn’t eaten, drunk, or slept since she’d arrived from the Ula.
She shook her head, trying to dislodge the word. It wasn’t her word. She’d never heard it before she’d met Eventine. It was a shifter word and she knew if she used it regularly, that meant she had already decided what her future held. But surely something like this needed more thought. Leilani had spent her entire life having her needs dictated to her and food and darkness and stillness and drugs forced on her, and in that moment, this new life seemed like one more thing she had no choice in.
She liked the meadow. A lot. She liked Eventine. A lot. The catamount? Leilani was awed by her. But still, she wanted to make her own decisions for once in her life. For the first time, maybe. Had she ever been allowed to do something as simple as choose her own outfit? Shouldn’t she be making lists of good and bad, pros and cons, before she decided to add a word like “Ula” to her vocabulary?
Leilani pulled in on herself slightly, yawning. She was tired, but more than being tired, she was discontented. She couldn’t go back to her body. And she couldn’t stay here. She had no life and no home, and, if she accepted the life her ‘sisters’ wanted to offer her, that would mean accepting her ‘mate,’ too. This thread of thought was what she had been thinking about before the catamount had come up, and it kept pushing its way into the forefront of her mind. She was in a kind of heaven, but if they didn’t want her there, did she really want to be there? She wasn’t enjoying it this time.
The catamount spoke, surprising Leilani, because of what she’d been thinking about. The regal cat nodded to the edge of the meadow. What is your mate doing?
Leilani stared at the catamount, open-mouthed. “What? No. I haven’t…”
The catamount fixed her with a hard stare. Maybe you should. He is worth getting to know.
“Do you know him?” Leilani asked softly, turning to stare hard at the big cat.
Yes, I know Jaggar. He and I have worked together.
That stopped Leilani cold for a moment. Out of all the things the catamount could have said, that was not one Leilani had anticipated. She had to get used to this feeling of being knocked on her ass. The real world was so much bigger than she’d ever let herself believe. She spoke, not sure what she was going to say at first. “What…? What is he like?”
The catamount looked out over the edge. Strong. Sure. A deep thinker with the desires of a poet. He has survived much.
Leilani shivered at the description, loving every word and phrase. That was who someone had decided she belonged with? Sign her up. But then she wilted. Her body was a mess, her mind a disaster. He wouldn’t want her. She held her hands very still in her lap and stared at the ground in front of her. She had a question, because there was something that the catamount had left out.
“You don’t think he’s dangerous?”
The catamount smiled then, or maybe she snarled without sound. Dangerous, yes, he’s quite dangerous. The words were said with appreciation, and with admiration, while Leilani could only think her mate being dangerous was a bad thing, a very bad thing, not the good thing that this wild… animal obviously thought it was.
The catamount got up and strolled away without saying good-bye, leaving Leilani to stare over the edge at nothing for a long time.
***
“Rhen?” Leilani whispered into the trees overhead. Night seemed to be creeping up on her, the skies progressively darkening. “Rhen?” she whispered again. “I’m scared,” she said simply. She didn’t want to spend night alone in the meadow.
Rhen didn’t answer. Leilani didn’t quite da
re to call out to the catamount. Leilani concentrated hard on the sounds of the meadow. An owl hooted. Something snarled. Something skittered from hole to hole. Good lord, was something slithering? Leilani pulled her feet in close to her body, clasping her knees to her chest, trying to stay as small as possible. If she asked for a light, would she get it? It had been that easy last time.
So much was different now that Eventine was gone, and she didn’t know if she would receive what she asked for, and the fear that she might not kept her from asking for it. Because if she asked and didn’t receive, that meant the only place left for her to go was back in her body. She wasn’t ready for that.
She kept herself pulled into a tiny ball and cast her attention back to Eventine and Harlan. They were in the cozy cabin behind the main house on the large farm where everyone seemed to live. The place was appealing, with a surrounding forest, a beautiful farmhouse, several cabins behind, and a pasture behind that. VF, she’d heard a few people call it, although she couldn’t imagine what it meant.
Eventine had every surface of the cabin covered in papers. She was dressed in a man’s short-sleeved police uniform shirt and nothing else. It hung to her mid-thigh and she looked adorable and strong, leaning up against the kitchen counter, pen in hand, her color high, her hair unbound and still wild from the last time Harlan had taken her to bed. She was about Leilani’s height, but that was where the similarity ended. Eventine was all wild heat and coiled strength, while Leilani was limp, pasty, with no muscle tone at all.
Leilani could see her from behind and slightly above, like her vantage point came from the ceiling. She could also see Harlan, who was behind Eventine and also watching her, his eyes narrowed, his face hungry. His gaze traveled up and down her shapely legs. His hands clenched into fists and a snarl came out of him. Eventine didn’t look up, but she wiggled her behind at him. Leilani covered her mouth. Again, so soon? She wanted to see what they were doing, but she wouldn’t watch them make love. It wouldn’t be right.
Leilani held her hands clasped to her chest and hoped she wouldn’t have to look away so soon. There was no one at VF she liked to watch more than Eventine and Harlan, mostly because she loved to see Eventine happy. Eventine looked stressed and worried, but still happy. Harlan could always tease a smile from her, always give her an hour’s reprieve from the worry lines on her forehead by rubbing her neck and whispering into her ear until she fell asleep for a short nap. She wouldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time, though, desperation waking her, as she searched for a way to change the future.
