by Lisa Ladew
If everyone knew what she knew, she would lose the benefit of their untainted opinions about how they should proceed forward from whatever came next, which was something she could not afford. So how to deal with it? Refuse to answer or claim she didn’t know? Her heart wanted to refuse to answer, to hold onto her own integrity even if doing so caused more problems, but her head wouldn’t let her. Everything she did from here on out had to be in the best interest of the shiften as a whole, not her as an individual. So she would lie. Even to her mate? She didn’t know. His was the opinion she valued the most.
Eventine stared at the Care Bear poster on the floor. She stomped on it once, twisting her feet, ripping it in half. Then she picked both halves up, strode to the open window, and popped the screen out with her foot. She pitched the poster out the window, then looked around for more to grab. Pink pillows. Out the window. Pink pens and poufs. Out. Pink fucking stuffed animals. Ridiculous.
Eventine grabbed the pink chair at the tiny, useless desk by the back of it and slammed it against the wall. The seat splintered and a leg flew off. Slam. Again. Another leg splintered off. Another slam and then the seat fell on the floor. Perfect. She carefully fitted it out the window, then dropped it to the ground two stories below. All this pink had to go, and then she would sleep.
“Evie?” Harlan said from the doorway. “Want help?”
She waved him away. “I got this. What about Jaggar and Leilani?”
“They’re still sleeping. I put some drinks and food on the table by their bed.”
“Is she claimed yet?”
Harlan laughed, stared blankly at her, then laughed again. She waited patiently for him to come out of his head. “Not sure, want me to wake him up and ask him? He’ll appreciate it, I bet.”
Eventine threw a pillow at her mate, then kicked over a pink garbage can, motioning at all the ‘little girl’ crap in the room. “I can’t believe I’m only just now throwing this crap away. I can’t believe I let Burton put me in that box for so long.”
Harlan crossed the room and grabbed her around the waist. “Bigger picture, Evie, remember that bigger picture we’ve been talking about. Can we really blame any of this on him?” He motioned around at the room. “This is just a side effect of what was going on in his head. In his mind, the only way to keep everyone safe and not sacrifice you was to keep you a little girl forever. It didn’t work. It never had a chance.” He shrugged. “But hey, he gave it a shot, you know?” He smiled and kissed her lightly. “The deck was stacked against him from the word ‘go’, we all know that. He still tried. He still did something. I can only admire him for that.”
Eventine let her mate fold her into his arms. She hooked her fingers into his beltline and let her head rest on his broad chest. He was right.
“He’s downstairs,” Harlan whispered, kissing the top of her head. “Sitting at the table.”
“How does he look?” she asked. She’d been expecting this, but she did not know if she was ready to face him. Not without some idea of his state of mind.
“Like shit. I can’t tell how lucid he is because he’s not talking much. He won’t say where he’s been. He just stares. I think he’s waiting for you.”
Eventine gathered strength from her mate. “I’ll go talk to him.”
“Want me to come with you?”
“No.” She kissed his chest, just over his heart. “I need to go alone. You throw something pink out the window and get us a new bed.”
She left the room, not hearing if her mate answered her or not. She made her way quietly down the stairs, listening for Burton, wondering just what in the hell she could say to him.
But when she reached him, she didn’t say a word, only slid into the booth next to him. It seemed easier than facing him.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she said back.
They sat that way, father and daughter, until Evie’s head drooped on the table and she fell asleep. Her mate came to her, picked her up, and put her in a bed somewhere.
Her father stayed at the table.
38 – Hi. Hi.
Leilani woke with a pressure in her bladder that told her she’d been asleep for many hours, maybe twelve or fourteen. She couldn’t tell if it was day or night, so she had no clues to tell her how long a long time was. She felt good, lucid, her body and her mind mostly quiet, but not the confused quiet she’d always felt at the Roosevelt, or when her medication dosages had been messed with, but a healthy quiet, a calm quiet. For just a moment, she forgot where she was.
The meadow maybe, she thought, then frowned. She couldn’t remember leaving the meadow… How did she get out of the meadow? Her thoughts caught and stuttered, finding a groove to fall into. The clock was looming large in her mind, calling her attention with all its silver light. So silver. It would be so easy to just reach out and touch the hands of the clock, give them a little spin…
Jaggar sleep-talked behind her, freezing her imaginary hands in her mind. She focused on him, on Jaggar, on the press of his body against hers, and she was able to pull her focus away from the clock.
And she remembered where she was.
She was at the farmhouse. She and Jaggar would move in and live with Burton and Eventine and Harlan. Jaggar was her mate, and he was a wolf-shifter and-she shook her head. How could she get that part wrong? She loved the beast. She loved both Jaggar’s wolf and Jaggar’s cat. She fixed the statement in her mind. He was a wolf and big cat shifter-and she was a half-angel, and life would be perfect, perfect, perfect, if it weren’t for this thing in her mind.
Leilani blinked into the darkness, watching the silver flicker and pulsate. It pulled at her, so she tried to turn away from it. Back to the present. She would get good at turning away from it. She could use a mantra, like Jaggar did. She could force her life to be normal, even if she could never get rid of this thing in her mind. When Jaggar was around it wasn’t so bad…
She stared off the bed in the direction she knew the bathroom was in, reality falling back in on her so hard. She couldn’t even go to the bathroom by herself, and he might want her to… have his babies? Leilani slowly pulled herself out of her mate’s arms. Maybe she wanted babies someday. If she could get herself under control, and she would start right then. She edged to the side of the bed, pouring herself onto the floor, holding her breath when her mate’s hand finally left her back completely, when she’d fully pulled away from his sleeping grasp.
She would go to the bathroom by herself, and she would not look at that stupid clock once. She could control herself.
She crouched on the floor and took stock. She was ok. Not shaky. The silver was not coming for her. She straightened, pulling the towels off of her, crossing the room naked, before she lost her nerve. Arms out ahead of her, she took small steps until she found a wall, then a door, and then everything else she was looking for.
She finished her business and hurried back to the bed, cheering quietly when her hands touched sheets. She’d done it! Now she was ready to sleep for another twelve hours.
She entered the bed as slowly and gently as possible, listening to Jaggar’s breathing as she did so. She didn’t want to wake him and was glad when his breaths stayed steady and deep. She felt around with light fingers until she found him. He was on his side still, facing her. She picked up his upper arm and curled herself into his embrace, sighing deeply when his arms tightened around her, pulling her close.
***
Jaggar woke and stared at his mate in the early morning light. They’d been in the bed for almost twenty-four hours straight. He’d slept most of that time, but had been up twice, as had she. He’d watched her each time with fear in his heart, only letting his muscles relax when she was back in his arms. He did not want to imagine her time-traveling by herself. She needed him.
Drinks and food had magically appeared on the table in the room. Eventine was taking care of them. Or Harlan.
She was naked. He still had his towel draped over his hips. He was
so ready to take her, but he wouldn’t until she wanted it. He would wait forever for her to be ready. He studied her face, tracing the curves of her cheekbones, her dark, delicate eyelashes, her beautiful skin…
Jaggar frowned at the scar on his mate’s face, just above her eyebrow. Had it been there before? He didn’t remember, but it seemed like something he would… remember.
She opened her eyes at his touch, soft silver light falling out of them, lighting the pillow up even a few inches away, like the light itself was coming from behind her eyes. Jaggar had never had the time to think about it before that moment. The last few days had been so crazy, so full of madness, so full of heightened emotions and insane reactions, but there had been no time to recover. That’s what they were doing now.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” she said softly, almost whispered, making a chill go up his back.
He touched her eyebrow and she blinked reflexively. He moved his hand to the scar and ran his finger over it. “How did you get this?”
She blinked again, her expression going hard for a second. “I-did I tell you about the time that I got an orderly fired?”
Jaggar growled. He couldn’t help himself. “Fired for what?” he asked, his voice tight and dark. He almost knew. He would almost kill someone.
She licked her lips and closed and opened her eyes rapidly.
Jaggar tensed and snarled, then tried to get himself under control. Leilani’s hands were fluttering over his face, she was trying to read his expression with her fingers.
He grabbed one hand and kissed it lightly. “Tell me this, when I know what he did, am I going to want to hurt him?”
She hesitated. “Maybe.”
He touched the scar on her forehead again, reciting his mantra inside his head. “Did he put this scar on you?”
“Yeah,” she said quickly. “But it wasn’t a big deal. I recovered.”
Jaggar shook his head. “You know I have to kill him, right? What’s his name? Where does he live?”
Leilani shook her head back and forth, her eyes scared. “No, you can’t kill him, Jaggar, you aren’t serious, right?” She clutched at him.
Jaggar pulled the thought back, not wanting to distress his mate. Later. He put the issue aside and concentrated on his mate.
“Shh,” he said. “I’m sorry.” He would deal with it later. He carefully packed the need up and put it away, for now.
She relaxed. He ran his thumb over the scar one time, then explored her face with his fingers, like she did to him. He pressed his thumb over both her eyebrows, one at a time, then down her cheek, then across first one cheekbone and then the other, then back to the eyebrows. He repeated the process again and again, until her eyes closed. He lightened his pressure, then brushed her long hair off her forehead, inviting her to fully relax, enticing her back to sleep.
Beautiful.
***
Leilani awoke all at once, her awareness coming fast, the clock competing for her attention right away, but Jaggar was already awake and looking at her, she could feel his eyes on her. She reached out trembling fingers and found his chest. He was on his side, up on one elbow, so close to her. His skin jumped at her touch.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” he told her, his voice thick and deep and so attractive to her that she could only relax onto the pillow and let him curve her into his arms, his hands on her bare back.
A towel was between them. She wanted it gone. She pulled it away and tossed it onto the floor, relishing the feel of her mate’s bare skin against hers. All of his bare skin.
He tensed, so she relaxed.
She let him massage her back to drowsiness.
“I love you,” he said and her drowsiness evaporated. She didn’t move, didn’t breathe, could not say it back. Not yet. Too soon. Too much.
She fell asleep.
Maybe it had been a dream.
***
Jaggar woke up. The light from the window was dim. The clock on the wall said 7:54 p.m. Night time was coming around again. Leilani seemed to be still asleep.
Beast, he said, are you there? The beast did not respond at all. Jaggar reached out to him in a different way, feeling around, trying to find what his animal would respond to. He wanted them to be more of a team. He did not want to lock the beast away like he had before, hiding him away like a shameful secret. He was who he was, the beast was what he was, and Leilani’s unwavering acceptance of both of them had made Jaggar dare to think that maybe she had it right, maybe it wasn’t a disaster that the beast existed.
The beast snarled and turned away. Jaggar let him go. They had time to figure it out. Leilani would help, he knew she would, and he knew the beast would respond to her in a way it never would to Jaggar.
He stared at Leilani, then reached out with his right hand and ran his hands over his mate’s face again, ever so lightly. His hand ran down her cheek, down her neck to where her shoulder began.
Right there. That was the spot where he was supposed to… bite her. The beast moved inside him, taking an interest. Jaggar tightened down and opposed his own animal. You sit the fuck down, you aren’t part of this, he snarled, then realized who he was talking to.
He pulled his hand away from his mate and pressed it to his temple. Fuck, what was he going to do?
Leilani stirred in her sleep, then said his name. “Jaggar.” Her voice was soft. Her covers had slipped and he saw one bare breast, the nipple peaked and darkened, like she was thinking about his hands there. His fingers twitched, wanting to be there. He steeled his control and pulled her covers up her body.
Jaggar got out of the bed. “Take me to church,” he whispered into the darkened room, needing his discipline and control more than ever at that moment. He’d slept all he could sleep. He repeated his mantra, dulling his ever-present pain, getting his mind focused.
What was he going to do?
He turned in the darkened room, staring out the window at the farmland that stretched in all directions.
Mating came next, and then claiming. He touched his tongue to one of his canine teeth, testing its length, feeling it grow even as he thought about it.
He shook his head ‘no’, decisively, decided.
He would not do it, even if it meant he was denying his true nature again. He had no choice. He would never bite his mate. She had been through too much already. He would not put that on her.
He almost jumped when he heard his mate’s whispered, “Hi,” from the bed. Did she sound scared? He hurried back to her. “Hi,” he said as he got in bed and maneuvered himself close.
It was time to mate, if that’s what she wanted, but it would never be time for claiming. He would not do it.
39 – Mating
Leilani sighed in relief when Jaggar slid into bed with her. She folded back into his arms. He growled and kissed her neck. “Yes,” she said. She’d slept all she could sleep.
It was time and she was ready. Below the covers, her mate’s hand touched her hip, gripping her there, pulling her close to him. His thick cock pressed against her belly, hard as steel.
She heated too quickly, feeling suddenly hot all over. She flung the covers off her. Her mate ran his hand up her side, softly, so softly. She never would have imagined that a male as intense as he was could keep himself so still for so long. She appreciated it. She couldn’t see, but she could feel, and she could hear, and that was all she needed. She reached for him, not sure what to touch first, her seeking fingers finding firm abs, not daring to go lower like she had in the shower.
Jaggar traced her naked hip, moving up her side, over the curve of her shoulder, across her collarbone, then down her chest between her breasts. “Beautiful,” he said. At the sound of his voice, her body picked up exactly where it had left off the last time he had touched her and her hips thrust forward. She wanted him so bad. She was so swollen. She never wanted him to stop touching her.
“Perfect,” Jaggar said, his voice a rough, sexy idle that se
nt shivers of pleasure through her, and for just that moment, everything seemed ok in her world. Being blind didn’t matter. Being terrified she would be even a worse mother than her own mother, that wasn’t relevant. Because Jaggar would make it ok. Somehow, these moments of pure pleasure with her mate would make up for everything else.
He ran his fingers down her belly, then across the front of her hip, leaving her torso, grasping her hand and pulling it to his mouth to kiss the fingertips. “I would do anything for you. I would die for you,” he rasped.
“Make love to me,” she said, letting it all go, letting the questions about protection and claiming and would it hurt all fall away. She was only there, in the moment, with her mate, waiting for what came next.
His hands didn’t slow or falter, but he did not say a word. She waited for a moment, then took his hand and put it on her breast. His thumb and forefinger rolled her nipple and she sighed, arching into him. She rushed to speak, in case he still needed words from her. “Believe me when I say I want this, if you want this.”
“I do,” he replied simply.
“Then take me, Jaggar. Make me yours.” Her voice wavered. “I trust you completely,” she told him. “I’m sorry if… if you ever felt I was scared of you. I might have been before I met you, but as soon as I first touched your animal, I knew you would never hurt me.” Her fingers clutched at him. “I knew, not in my head, but in my heart. My head was stupid for a while.”
He tensed next to her for just a moment, then he relaxed and kissed her gently. “Don’t be sorry,” he rasped, then he pressed into her. He rolled her nipple again and growled into the room. Far away, she heard voices. Someone closed a door somewhere in the house, she felt the pressure change in the room from it.
He pulled away from her for too long. “Let me lock the door,” he said. She heard his steps, heavy and long, across the room. Then he was back, sliding back into the bed with her. She reached for him.
Her hands fluttered over her mate’s body, chest first. Again, she found the hair on his chest, then his midsection, and decided to follow it where it led. She was afraid he would stop her again or that she would stop herself, but he didn’t, and she didn’t.
