Pyramids

by Terry Pratchett

Page 32

 

  Shes amazing. Shell take them by storm in Ankh, you know. With a figure like that and a mind like . . . He hesitated. Is she . . . ? I mean, are you two . . .

  No, said Teppic.

  Shes very attractive.

  Yes, said Teppic.

  A sort of cross between a temple dancer and a bandsaw. They took their glasses and went up on deck, where a few lights from the city paled against the brilliance of the stars. The water was flat calm, almost oily.

  Teppics head was beginning to spin slowly. The desert, the sun, two gloss coats of Ephebian retsina on his stomach lining and a bottle of wine were getting together to beat up his synapses.

  I mus say, he managed, leaning on the rail, youre doing all right for yourself.

  Its okay, said Chidder. Commerce is quite interesting. Building up markets, you know. The cut and thrust of competition in the privateering sector. You ought to come in with us, boy. Its where the future lies, my father says. Not with wizards and kings, but with enterprising people who can afford to hire them. No offence intended, you understand.

  Were all thats left, said Teppic to his wine glass. Out of the whole kingdom. Me, her, and a camel that smells like an old carpet. An ancient kingdom, lost.

  Good job it wasnt a new one, said Chidder. At least people got some wear out of it.

  You dont know what its like, said Teppic. Its like a whole great pyramid. But upside down, you understand? All that history, all those ancestors, all the people, all funnelling down to me. Right at the bottom.

  He slumped on to a coil of rope as Chidder passed the bottle back and said, It makes you think, doesnt it? Theres all these lost cities and kingdoms around. Like Ee, in the Great Nef. Whole countries, just gone. Just out there somewhere. Maybe people started mucking about with geometry, what do you say?

  Teppic snored.

  After some moments Chidder swayed forward, dropped the empty bottle over the side, it went plunk - and for a few seconds a stream of bubbles disturbed the flat calm - and staggered off to bed.

  Teppic dreamed.

  And in his dream he was standing on a high place, but unsteadily, because he was balancing on the shoulders of his father and mother, and below them he could make out his grandparents, and below them his ancestors stretching away and out in a vast, all right, a vast pyramid of humanity whose base was lost in clouds.

  He could hear the murmur of shouted orders and instructions floating up to him.

  If you do nothing, we shall never have been.

  This is just a dream, he said, and stepped out of it into a palace where a small, dark man in a loincloth was sitting on a stone bench, eating figs.

  Of course its a dream, he said. The world is the dream of the Creator. Its all dreams, different kinds of dreams. Theyre supposed to tell you things. Like: dont eat lobster last thing at night. Stuff like that. Have you had the one about the seven cows?

  Yes, said Teppic, looking around. Hed dreamed quite good architecture. One of them was playing a trombone.

  It was smoking a cigar in my day. Well-known ancestral dream, that dream.

  What does it mean?

  The little man picked a seed from between his teeth.

  Search me, he said. Id give my right arm to find out. I dont think weve met, by the way. Im Khuft. I founded this kingdom. You dream a good fig.

  Im dreaming you, too?

  Damn right. I had a vocabulary of eight hundred words, do you think Id really be talking like this? If youre expecting a bit of helpful ancestral advice, forget it. This is a dream. I cant tell you anything you dont know yourself.

  Youre the founder?

  Thats me.

  I . . . thought youd be different, said Teppic.

  How dyou mean?

  Well . . . on the statue . .

  Khuft waved a hand impatiently.

  Thats just public relations, he said. I mean, look at me. Do I look patriarchal?

  Teppic gave him a critical appraisal. Not in that loincloth, he admitted. Its a bit, well, ragged.

  Its got years of wear left in it, said Khuft.

  Still, I expect its all you could grab when you were fleeing from persecution, said Teppic, anxious to show an understanding nature.

  Khuft took another fig and give him a lopsided look. Hows that again?

  You were being persecuted, said Teppic. Thats why you fled into the desert.

  Oh, yes. Youre right. Damn right. I was being persecuted for my beliefs.

  Thats terrible, said Teppic.

  Khuft spat. Damn right. I believed people wouldnt notice Id sold them camels with plaster teeth until I was well out of town.

  It took a little while for this to sink in, but it managed it with all the aplomb of a concrete block in a quicksand.

  Youre a criminal? said Teppic.

  Well, criminals a dirty word, know what I mean? said the little ancestor. Id prefer entrepreneur. I was ahead of my time, thats my trouble.

  And you were running away? said Teppic weakly.

  It wouldnt, said Khuft, have been a good idea to hang about.

  “And Khuft the camel herder became lost in the Desert, and there opened before him, as a Gift from the Gods, a Valley flowing with Milk and Honey”, quoted Teppic, in a hollow voice. He added, I used to think it must have been awfully sticky.

  There I was, dying of thirst, all the camels kicking up a din, yelling for water, next minute - whoosh - a bloody great river valley, reed beds, hippos, the whole thing. Out of nowhere. I nearly got knocked down in the stampede.

  No! said Teppic. It wasnt like that! The gods of the valley took pity on you and showed you the way in, didnt they? He shut up, surprised at the tones of pleading in his own voice.

  Khuft sneered. Oh, yes? And I just happened to stumble across a hundred miles of river in the middle of the desert that everyone else had missed. Easy thing to miss, a hundred miles of river valley in the middle of a desert, isnt it? Not that I was going to look a gift camel in the mouth, you understand, I went and brought my family and the rest of the lads in soon enough. Never looked back.

  One minute it wasnt there, the next minute it was? said Teppic.

  Right enough. Hard to believe, isnt it?

  No, said Teppic. No. Not really. Khuft poked him with a wrinkled finger. I always reckoned it was the camels that did it, he said. I always thought they sort of called it into place, like it was sort of potentially there but not quite, and it needed just that little bit of effort to make it real. Funny things, camels.

  I know.

  Odder than gods. Something the matter?

  Sorry, said Teppic, its just that this is all a bit of a shock. I mean, I thought we were really royal. I mean, were more royal than anyone.

  Khuft picked a fig seed from between two blackened stumps which, because they were in his mouth, probably had to be called his teeth. Then he spat.

  Thats up to you, he said, and vanished.

  Teppic walked through the necropolis, the pyramids a saw-edged skyline against the night. The sky was the arched body of a woman, and the gods stood around the horizon. They didnt look like the gods that had been painted on the walls for thousands of years. They looked worse. They looked older than Time. After all, the gods hardly ever meddled in the affairs of men. But other things were proverbial for it.

  What can I do? Im only human, he said aloud.

  Someone said, Not all of you.

  Teppic awoke, to the screaming of seagulls.

  Alfonz, who was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and the expression of one who never means to take it off again, ever, was helping several other men unfurl one of Unnameds sails. He looked down at Teppic in his bed of rope and gave him a nod.

  They were moving. Teppic sat up, and saw the dock-side of Ephebe slipping silently away in the grey morning light.

  He stood up unsteadily, groaned, clutched at his head, took a run and dived over the rail.

  Heme Kr
ona, owner of the Camels-R-Us livery stable, walked slowly around You Bastard, humming. He examined the camels knees. He gave one of its feet an experimental kick. In a swift movement that took You Bastard completely by surprise he jerked open the beasts mouth and examined his great yellow teeth, and then jumped away.

  He took a plank of wood from a heap in the corner, dipped a brush in a pot of black paint, and after a moments thought carefully wrote, ONE OWNER.

  After some further consideration he added, LO MILEAGE. He was just brushing in GOOD RUNER when Teppic staggered in and leaned, panting, against the doorframe. Pools of water formed around his feet.

  Ive come for my camel, he said.

  Krona sighed.

  Last night you said youd be back in an hour, he said. Im going to have to charge you for a whole days livery, right? Plus I gave him a rub down and did his feet, the full service. Thatll be five cercs, okay emir?

  Ah. Teppic patted his pocket.

  Look, he said. I left home in a bit of a hurry, you see. I dont seem to have any cash on me.

  Fair enough, emir. Krona turned back to his board. How do you spell YEARS WARENTY?

  I will definitely have the money sent to you, said Teppic. Krona gave him the withering smile of one who has seen it all - asses with bodywork re-haired, elephants with plaster tusks, camels with false humps glued on - and knows the festering depths of the human soul when it gets down to business.

  Pull the other one, rajah, he said. It has got bells on.

  Teppic fumbled in his tunic.

  I could give you this valuable knife, he said.

  Krona gave it a passing glance, and sniffed.

  Sorry, emir. No can do. No pay, no camel.

  I could give it to you point first, said Teppic desperately, knowing that the mere threat would get him expelled from the Guild. He was also aware that as a threat it wasnt very good. Threats werent on the syllabus at the Guild school.

  Whereas Krona had, sitting on straw bales at the back of the stables, a couple of large men who were just beginning to take an interest in the proceedings. They looked like Alfonzs older brothers.

  Every vehicle depot of any description anywhere in the multiverse has them. Theyre never exactly grooms or mechanics or customers or staff. Their function is always unclear. They chew straws or smoke cigarettes in a surreptitious fashion. If there are such things as newspapers around, they read them, or at least look at the pictures.

  They started to watch Teppic closely. One of them picked up a couple of bricks and began to toss them up and down.

  Youre a young lad, I can see that, said Krona, kindly. Youre just starting out in life, emir. You dont want trouble. He stepped forward.

  You Bastards huge shaggy head turned to look at him. In the depths of his brain columns of little numbers whirred upwards again.

  Look, Im sorry, but Ive got to have my camel back, said Teppic. Its life and death!

  Krona waved a hand at the two extraneous men.

  You Bastard kicked him. You Bastard had very concise ideas about people putting their hands in his mouth. Besides, hed seen the bricks, and every camel knew what two bricks added up to. It was a good kick, toes well spread, powerful and deceptively slow. It picked Krona up and delivered him neatly into a steaming heap of Augean stable sweepings.

  Teppic ran, kicked away from the wall, grabbed You Bastards dusty coat and landed heavily on his neck.

  Im very sorry, he said, to such of Krona as was visible. I really will have some money sent to you.

  You Bastard, at this point, was waltzing round and round in a circle. Kronas companions stayed well back as feet like plates whirred through the air.

  Teppic leaned forward and hissed into one madly-waving ear.