Pyramids

by Terry Pratchett

Page 34

 

  You Bastard stopped. His ears turned like radar aerials. He stared at the rock wall, rolling his eyes. Then, as Teppic grabbed a handful of hair and pulled himself up, the camel started to trot.

  . . . Think fractals . . .

  Ere, youre going to run straight- the sergeant began.

  There was silence. It went on for a long time.

  The sergeant shifted uneasily. Then he looked across the rocks to the Tsorteans, and caught the eye of their leader. With the unspoken understanding that is shared by centurions and sergeant-majors everywhere, they walked towards one another along the length of the rocks and stopped by the barely visible crack in the cliff.

  The Tsortean sergeant ran his hand over it.

  Youd think thered be some, you know, camel hairs or something, he said.

  Or blood, said the Ephebian.

  I reckon its one of them unexplainable phenomena.

  Oh. Thats all right, then.

  The two men stared at the stone for a while.

  Like a mirage, said the Tsortean, helpfully.

  One of them things, yes.

  I thought I heard a seagull, too.

  Daft, isnt it. You dont get them out here.

  The Tsortean coughed politely, and stared back at his men.

  Then he leaned closer.

  The rest of your people will be along directly, I expect, he said.

  The Ephebian stepped a bit closer and when he spoke, it was out of the corner of his mouth while his eyes apparently remained fully occupied by looking at the rocks.

  Thats right, he said. And yours too, may I ask?

  Yes. I expect well have to massacre you if ours get here first.

  Likewise, I shouldnt wonder. Still, cant be helped.

  One of those things, really, agreed the Tsortean. The other man nodded. Funny old world, when you come to think about it.

  Youve put your finger on it, all right. The sergeant loosened his breastplate a bit, glad to be out of the sun. Rations okay on your side? he said.

  Oh, you know. Mustnt grumble.

  Like us, really.

  Cos if you do grumble, they get even worse.

  Just like ours. Here, you havent got any figs on your side, have you? I could just do with a fig.

  Sorry.

  Just thought Id ask.

  Got plenty of dates, if theyre any good to you.

  Were okay on dates, thanks.

  Sorry.

  The two men stood awhile, lost in their own thoughts. Then the Ephebian put on his helmet again, and the Tsortean adjusted his belt.

  Right, then.

  Right, then.

  They squared their shoulders, stuck out their chins, and marched away. A moment later they turned about smartly and, exchanging the merest flicker of an embarrassed grin, headed back to their own sides.

  BOOK IV

  The Book of 101 Things A Boy Can Do

  Teppic had expected-

  -what?

  Possibly the splat of flesh hitting rock. Possibly, although this was on the very edge of expectation, the sight of the Old Kingdom spread out below him.

  He hadnt expected chilly, damp mists.

  It is now known to science that there are many more dimensions than the classical four. Scientists say that these dont normally impinge on the world because the extra dimensions are very small and curve in on themselves, and that since reality is fractal most of it is tucked inside itself. This means either that the universe is more full of wonders than we can hope to understand or, more probably, that scientists make things up as they go along.

  But the multiverse is full of little dimensionettes, playstreets of creation where creatures of the imagination can romp without being knocked down by serious actuality. Sometimes, as they drift through the holes in reality, they impinge back on this universe, when they give rise to myths, legends and charges of being Drunk and Disorderly.

  And it was into one of these that You Bastard, by a trivial miscalculation, had trotted.

  Legend had got it nearly right. The Sphinx did lurk on the borders of the kingdom. The legend just hadnt been precise about what kind of borders it was talking about.

  The Sphinx is an unreal creature. It exists solely because it has been imagined. It is well-known that in an infinite universe everything that can be imagined must exist somewhere, and since many of them are not things that ought to exist in a well-ordered space-time frame they get shoved into a side dimension. This may go some way to explaining the Sphinxs chronic bad temper, although any creature created with the body of a lion, bosom of a woman and wings of an eagle has a serious identity crisis and doesnt need much to make it angry.

  So it had devised the Riddle.

  Across various dimensions it had provided the Sphinx with considerable entertainment and innumerable meals.

  This was not known to Teppic as he led You Bastard through the swirling mists, but the bones he crunched underfoot gave him enough essential detail.

  A lot of people had died here. And it was reasonable to assume that the more recent ones had seen the remains of the earlier ones, and would therefore have proceeded stealthily. And that hadnt worked.

  No sense in creeping along, then. Besides, some of the rocks that loomed out of the mists had a very distressing shape. This one here, for example, looked exactly like-

  Halt, said the Sphinx.

  There was no sound but the drip of the mist and the occasional sucking noise of You Bastard trying to extract moisture from the air.

  Youre a sphinx, said Teppic.

  The Sphinx, corrected the Sphinx.

  Gosh. Weve got any amount of statues to you at home. Teppic looked up, and then further up. I thought youd be smaller, he added.

  Cower, mortal, said the Sphinx. For thou art in the presence of the wise and the terrible. It blinked. Any good, these statues?

  They dont do you justice, said Teppic, truthfully.

  Do you really think so? People often get the nose wrong, said the Sphinx. My right profile is best, Im told, and- It dawned on the Sphinx that it was sidetracking itself. It coughed sternly.

  Before you can pass me, O mortal, it said, you must answer my riddle.

  Why? said Teppic.

  What? The Sphinx blinked at him. It hadnt been designed for this sort of thing.

  Why? Why? Because. Er. Because, hang on, yes, because I will bite your head off if you dont. Yes, I think thats it.

  Right, said Teppic. Lets hear it, then.

  The Sphinx cleared its throat with a noise like an empty lorry reversing in a quarry.

  What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? said the Sphinx smugly.

  Teppic considered this.

  Thats a tough one, he said, eventually.

  The toughest, said the Sphinx.

  Um.

  Youll never get it.

  Ah, said Teppic.

  Could you take your clothes off while youre thinking? The threads play merry hell with my teeth.

  There isnt some kind of animal that regrows legs that have been-

  Entirely the wrong track, said the Sphinx, stretching its claws.

  Oh.

  You havent got the faintest idea, have you?

  Im still thinking, said Teppic.

  Youll never get it.

  Youre right. Teppic stared at the claws. This isnt really a fighting animal, he told himself reassuringly, its definitely over-endowed. Besides, its bosom will get in the way, even if its brain doesnt.

  The answer is: “A Man”, said the Sphinx. Now, dont put up a fight, please, it releases unpleasant chemicals into the bloodstream.

  Teppic backed away from a slashing paw. Hold on, hold on, he said. What do you mean, a man?

  Its easy, said the Sphinx. A baby crawls in the morning, stands on both legs at noon, and at evening an old man walks with a stick. Good, isnt it?

 
; Teppic bit his lip. Were talking about one day here? he said doubtfully.

  There was a long, embarrassing silence.

  Its a wossname, a figure of speech, said the Sphinx irritably, making another lunge.

  No, no, look, wait a minute, said Teppic. Id like us to be very clear about this, right? I mean, its only fair, right?

  Nothing wrong with the riddle, said the Sphinx. Damn good riddle. Had that riddle for fifty years, sphinx and cub. It thought about this. Chick, it corrected.

  Its a good riddle, Teppic said soothingly. Very deep. Very moving. The whole human condition in a nutshell. But youve got to admit, this doesnt all happen to one individual in one day, does it?

  Well. No, the Sphinx admitted. But that is self-evident from the context. An element of dramatic analogy is present in all riddles, it added, with the air of one who had heard the phrase a long time ago and rather liked it, although not to the extent of failing to eat the originator.

  Yes, but, said Teppic crouching down and brushing a clear space on the damp sand, is there internal consistency within the metaphor? Lets say for example that the average life expectancy is seventy years, okay?

  Okay, said the Sphinx, in the uncertain tones of someone who has let the salesman in and is now regretfully contemplating a future in which they are undoubtedly going to buy life insurance.

  Right. Good. So noon would be age 35, am I right? Now considering that most children can toddle at a year or so, the four legs reference is really unsuitable, wouldnt you agree? I mean, most of the morning is spent on two legs. According to your analogy he paused and did a few calculations with a convenient thighbone- only about twenty minutes immediately after 00. 00 hours, half an hour tops, is spent on four legs. Am I right? Be fair.

  Well- said the Sphinx.

  By the same token you wouldnt be using a stick by six p. m. because youd be only, er, 52, said Teppic, scribbling furiously. In fact you wouldnt really be looking at any kind of walking aid until at least half past nine, I think. Thats on the assumption that the entire lifespan takes place over one day which is, I believe I have already pointed out, ridiculous. Im sorry, its basically okay, but it doesnt work.

  Well, said the Sphinx, but irritably this time, I dont see what I can do about it. I havent got any more. Its the only one Ive ever needed.

  You just need to alter it a bit, thats all.

  How do you mean?

  Just make it a bit more realistic.

  Hmm. The Sphinx scratched its mane with a claw.

  Okay, it said doubtfully. I suppose I could ask: What is it that walks on four legs

  Metaphorically speaking, said Teppic.

  Four legs, metaphorically speaking, the Sphinx agreed, for about-

  Twenty minutes, I think we agreed.

  Okay, fine, twenty minutes in the morning, on two legs

  But I think calling it in “the morning” is stretching it a bit, said Teppic. Its just after midnight. I mean, technically its the morning, but in a very real sense its still last night, what do you think?

  A look of glazed panic crossed the Sphinxs face.

  What do you think? it managed.

  Lets just see where weve got to, shall we? What, metaphorically speaking, walks on four legs just after midnight, on two legs for most of the day-

  Barring accidents, said the Sphinx, pathetically eager to show that it was making a contribution.

  Fine, on two legs barring accidents, until at least suppertime, when it walks with three legs-

  Ive known people use two walking sticks, said the Sphinx helpfully.

  Okay. How about: when it continues to walk on two legs or with any prosthetic aids of its choice?

  The Sphinx gave this some consideration.

  Ye-ess, it said gravely. That seems to fit all eventualities.

  Well? said Teppic.

  Well what? said the Sphinx.

  Well, whats the answer?