Too Late to Paint the Roses

by Jeanne Whitmee

  Her voice was shrill with irritation as she called, ‘Damn it, Elaine, I’ve only just got into the bath. Can’t you use your en-suite? Really, some people don’t know when they’re well off!’

  ‘I wanted a bath, not a shower!’

  ‘Well I’m in here now so you’ll have to wait, won’t you?’

  As I turned I saw Dad at the turn of the staircase. ‘You can come up and use my bathroom if you like.’

  I shook my head. ‘It’s all right, Dad. I’ve gone off the idea now anyway.’

  ‘I was just coming down to say thanks for the hotpot. It was just the ticket.’

  ‘Good. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was coming up to you with Toffee anyway. Jamie says the violin makes him howl.’

  He laughed and took the little dog from my arms. ‘We can’t all be music lovers, can we, Toff?’ He ruffled the dog’s head. ‘You sound a bit down, love,’ he said looking up at me. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Not really.’ I shrugged, ashamed of the tears that thickened my voice. ‘It’s just that I don’t seem to have anywhere to go in my own home. Ian’s busy in the studio with a pupil. Jamie’s practising in the living room and now Amanda’s hogging the bathroom. I might as well call it a day and go to bed.’

  ‘Come up to the flat and chat to me,’ he invited. ‘Just till Ian’s finished. I hardly seem to see anything of you these days.’

  Dad made coffee and we chatted for a while. I told him about Amanda’s plans for an en-suite and Ian’s weakness in going along with it.

  ‘Why don’t you talk to Janet about it?’ Dad suggested. ‘She seems like a reasonable woman and she’s very fond of Ian. The last thing she’ll want is to see pressure put on the two of you.’

  ‘She has invited Amanda to stay for a few days,’ I told him. ‘But to be honest I don’t think she’s any keener to have her on a permanent basis than we are.’

  ‘Can’t she go back to the flat she had before?’

  ‘To be honest, Dad, I don’t think she can afford it. I don’t know for sure but I think she had a man friend who used to help her out financially.’

  Dad grinned. ‘And he decided he’d had enough?’

  I shrugged. ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Well, I can’t say I blame him.’ Dad reached out to pat my arm. ‘Don’t look so worried, love. It’ll all work out in the end, you’ll see. Ian’s a lovely lad and he thinks the world of you.’

  ‘Does he? Sometimes I feel just a bit taken for granted.’

  He sighed and gave me a rueful smile. ‘I’m afraid that happens in all marriages after a bit. ‘Specially when you both lead such busy lives. Look, why don’t you have a holiday, just the three for you? I’m here to hold the fort as they say.’

  I felt my spirits lift at the idea. It was just what we all needed.

  ‘Maybe that’s just what we need. I’ll talk to Ian about it. Thanks, Dad.’

  Downstairs Ian’s pupil had gone but I could hear Jamie practising his concert piece in the studio, accompanied by Ian on the piano. I went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on. Time Jamie went to bed. It was a school day tomorrow. I went back to the hall and tapped on the studio door, putting my head round it.

  ‘Cocoa and biscuits in the kitchen,’ I said. ‘I think you’ve both had enough for one day, don’t you?’

  When they came through I saw that Jamie was looking round the kitchen. Guessing what he was looking for I said, ‘Toff’s up with Granddad. You might as well leave him there now.’ I looked at Ian. ‘I was talking to Dad earlier and he suggested that we all have a holiday. It’s only a few weeks till the end of term and….’ I stopped, seeing his frown. ‘What? Don’t you like the idea?’

  ‘We can’t really afford a holiday this year.’

  ‘But surely we could have a week,’ I argued. ‘It doesn’t have to be expensive.’

  ‘I’m not going anywhere I can’t take Toffee,’ Jamie protested.

  ‘Well, maybe a caravan. In Cornwall or somewhere.’

  ‘We see the sea all the time,’ Jamie said. ‘It’s boring. If I went anywhere I’d rather go to Egypt.’

  I laughed. ‘In your dreams!’

  ‘Anyway, there’s the—’ I saw Ian shoot Jamie a restraining look and he stopped speaking and hid his face in his cup. I looked from one to the other.

  ‘There’s the what? What’s going on?’

  They exchanged glances then Ian said, ‘It’s not set in stone or anything but there’s a music summer school in Cardiff in August. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it but somehow there hasn’t been a minute lately.’

  ‘Summer school?’ I looked at Jamie and saw that his face had turned pink.

  ‘It’ll be super, Mum,’ he said eagerly. ‘Lots of workshops and several famous musicians will be there – giving master classes and lecturing.’

  ‘I see, and you can take Toffee there, can you?’ I asked pointedly. ‘Won’t he spend the whole time howling?’

  Jamie looked a little shamefaced. ‘Well, no, but we thought….’

  ‘Who’s this “we”?’ I swallowed my resentment and looked at the clock. ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow,’ I said briskly. ‘High time you were in bed now, Jamie. You go up, and make sure you clean your teeth. I’ll be up to say goodnight soon.’

  When he was safely out of earshot I looked at Ian. ‘I suppose you would eventually have got around to telling me about this summer school,’ I said, trying not to sound sarcastic.

  ‘Of course I would. Anyway, it’s not for ages yet.’

  ‘So is it free? I only ask because you keep mentioning how hard up we are?’ Trying hard to stop my hands from shaking I stood up and began to clear the table.

  ‘No, it’s not free but it isn’t expensive either,’ Ian answered tetchily. ‘As a matter of fact I’ve been asked to tutor one of the workshops so I get in at a cheaper rate.’

  ‘For something that isn’t set in stone, as you put it, you seem to have things remarkably well planned out.’ I looked at him. ‘I don’t suppose it’s even worth asking if I’m included.’

  ‘Well no. Anyway you’d be bored.’

  ‘It would be nice to have been given the option.’

  Ian frowned. ‘This is just what Jamie needs, Elaine; the chance to mix with other young musicians; to get some insight into music as a profession. I’d have thought you’d be only too happy for him to go. You surely don’t want to stand in the way of his music!’

  My anger broke through. ‘Stand in the way? Is that how you see me, Ian? I’m his mother. I’ve always recognized that my son has talent, ever since he was old enough to reach the piano keyboard, so don’t tell me I’m standing in his way!’ I abandoned the tray of used dishes and flung out of the kitchen, slamming the door behind me.

  Ian didn’t come to bed for some time but although I pretended to be asleep I was still wide awake – still fuming. It seemed I counted for nothing any more. I wasn’t so much ‘taken for granted’ as ‘walked all over’. I didn’t remember until much later that for the first time since we married I’d referred to Jamie as ‘my son’.

  At some time in the small hours I must have fallen asleep but I was awake again long before the alarm went off. As I shifted my position Ian said,

  ‘Are you awake?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Look….’ He slipped an arm round me. ‘I’m sorry about last night – the summer school and all that. I know I should have told – talked to you about it when I first heard.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ I muttered without turning over. ‘Obviously it’s all planned now and despite what you seem to think I don’t want to spoil things for Jamie. Anyway, I’d have to be here to take care of Toffee and the house.’

  ‘Your father seems to have taken a shine to the dog,’ Ian said. ‘And he’s more than capable of acting as caretaker for a few days, so I’ve been thinking; why don’t you have a few days away yourself somewhere while we’re away?’

  ‘On my own? What
fun!’

  ‘You must have someone you could team up with,’ he went on. ‘The break from all of us would do you good – recharge your batteries. You’ve been under a lot of pressure and working hard lately.’

  I turned to look at him. ‘Is that another way of saying I’ve been downright bad tempered and you’d be grateful to get me out of your hair for a few days?’

  He grinned, the familiar grin that had always melted my heart. This time it merely irritated me. ‘Of course. What else?’

  Suddenly I made up my mind. ‘Okay,’ I said, slipping out of bed and pulling on my dressing gown. ‘Maybe I’ll take you up on that.’

  Thirteen

  The first text message arrived as I was washing up the breakfast dishes.

  Thought any more about Sorrento? Please come!

  I quickly deleted it and slipped the phone into my handbag. The second came just as I drove into Mary’s drive.

  I’ll be there for a couple of weeks in July – 10th to the 25th. Please say you’ll join me for a few days at least.

  I closed the phone and sat thinking about it. Ian had unwittingly offered me this chance on a plate. He was so completely wrapped up in his music that he had little time for me at all these days and now he planned to take Jamie to this music summer school. Did he know or even care where his indifference might push me? He owed me something. Not this though, a small inner voice argued. But did I owe it to myself to lay Chris’s ghost once and for all?

  There was little doubt that Chris had more in mind than a platonic weekend. And would I be able to resist his persuasive charm against a background of warm sun, orange trees and fragrant bougainvillea? On the other hand – did I really want to? There was no doubt that seeing him again had awakened all sorts of half forgotten emotions and desires and however much I might deny it, I was tempted.

  As we worked I brought up the subject of holidays with Mary.

  ‘You asked me to think about holiday dates,’ I said. ‘Have you made any plans yourself?’

  She shook her head. ‘As a matter of fact your dad mentioned a really nice coach holiday to the Scottish Highlands in September.’

  I looked at her. ‘Dad?’

  To my surprise she blushed. ‘Yes. We thought we might go together. I haven’t had anyone to share a holiday with for years and of course, since your mother’s illness, he hasn’t really had a break either.’ She looked at me. ‘You’ve no objections, have you?’

  ‘Me? No, of course not,’ I said hurriedly. ‘It’s just that I didn’t realize you and he had been seeing one another.’

  ‘We haven’t exactly been seeing each other,’ she said defensively. ‘Not in the way you mean anyway. We’ve been out for a drink a couple of times. We’re old friends, aren’t we? We’ve always got along together as you know.’

  I laughed. ‘Mary! You don’t have to justify yourself. I think it’s great that you and Dad are going out together. I just wish one of you had mentioned it that’s all. We could all have had a meal together.’

  She shook her head. ‘Come off it, girl. It’s no big deal; just a couple of lonely old codgers teaming up.’

  ‘Not so much of the old codgers. You’re both in your prime! I think it’s lovely. September, you say. So would it be okay for me to have a few days – say four or five in the middle of July?’

  Mary dried her hands and fetched the diary from the office. ‘That’ll be fine,’ she said, making a note. She looked up at me as she closed the book. ‘Are you sure you wouldn’t like longer?’

  I shook my head. ‘Ian is taking Jamie to a music summer school in Cardiff in August and he’s suggested that I take myself off on my own for a few days; recharge the batteries as he puts it.’

  ‘Sensible man. So where are you heading?’

  ‘I haven’t really decided but I quite fancy Italy.’

  ‘Italy! On your own?’

  ‘Yes. Nothing wrong with that, is there?’ It was my turn to be defensive.

  ‘No, of course not if you fancy it. But I’d have thought you’d need at least ten days for Italy,’ she said.

  ‘No. Four or five will be plenty,’ I heard myself saying. What was I thinking about? And if I gave in to this mad idea where would I be this time next year? I asked myself. Everything depended on those five days in July.

  I was talking to Jamie in the kitchen later that afternoon as I prepared our evening meal when to my horror the text tone on my phone sounded again. Jamie snatched up my phone from the table.

  ‘I’ll get it, Mum, your hands are wet,’ he said. ‘Want me to read it out to you?’

  ‘It’s all right. I’ll get it.’ I snatched it from him but the phone slipped through my wet fingers and skittered under the table. I scrambled for it but Toffee got to it first, running round the kitchen with it in his mouth, delighted at this new game. Eventually Jamie, helpless with laughter managed to rescue it from him. To my horror he immediately opened the phone and pressed ‘options’ to read the message.

  ‘It says, Would you like a hundred free minutes on your phone?’ he said.

  Weak with relief I took the phone from him, switched it off and put it into my pocket. ‘I think you’d better take Toffee for his walk before tea,’ I said. ‘He looks as though he could do with using up some energy.’

  He was hardly out of the door when another text arrived.

  Can you meet me tomorrow? I have to go back to London on Sunday.

  We had a wedding booked for the following day. I was going to be busy all day. I didn’t see how I could. I was torn between relief, disappointment and fury with Chris for what he was putting me through. Alone in the kitchen I decided to risk it and ring him.

  ‘Elaine! How lovely.’ He sounded pleased, which irritated me.

  ‘You must stop texting me,’ I told him. ‘I’m turning my phone off after this call. We have a wedding on tomorrow. I’ll be busy all day. I can’t possibly meet you.’

  ‘But you have to.’

  ‘No, I don’t. This has to stop, Chris.’

  ‘Don’t be angry. I just need to know if you’ve made a decision – about Sorrento.’

  I hesitated. ‘I’m – still thinking about it.’

  ‘That means you haven’t ruled it out.’

  ‘I said I’m still thinking about it.’

  ‘All the more reason why we should meet before I go back to London. My agent rang to say he’s had an offer from the BBC to serialize my last book.’

  ‘Oh, congratulations.’

  ‘So I have to go up and talk terms. Meet me after this wedding thing is over. It can’t last all day surely.’

  ‘It will. We’re catering for the reception and then the dance afterwards.’

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake! This evening then? Please say you’ll come, Elaine, if it’s only for a few minutes. The Meadwell – later – come when you can. I’ll be waiting.’ He rang off before I could reply.

  As the three of us sat together at our evening meal I brought up the subject of holidays.

  ‘I’ve booked five days off in July,’ I said. ‘I thought I might go to Italy for a short break.’

  Ian looked up in surprise. ‘Oh! But the music summer school is in August.’

  ‘I know that, but I have to fit in with Mary’s holiday schedule.’

  He frowned. ‘I thought she and your dad were going to Scotland in September.’

  I looked up in surprise. ‘How did you know about that? I only found out myself this morning.’

  He looked a little shamefaced. ‘Ted mentioned it to me a couple of weeks ago,’ he said. ‘He thought you might disapprove and he was waiting for the right moment to tell you.’

  ‘Am I such an ogre?’ I shook my head. ‘Why is it that no one tells me anything any more? I’m kept completely in the dark about everything. First there’s Amanda’s en-suite, then this music summer school, now Mary and Dad’s holiday arrangements.’

  Ian sighed. ‘To be honest, you do go off the deep end about things lately,’
he said. ‘I think you’re really tired, Elaine. A little break will do you good.’

  ‘It’ll get me out of your way for a few days, you mean?’ I snapped. ‘Okay, I’ll go ahead and book it, shall I?’ Without waiting for his reply I stood up and began to clear the table. My nerves had been on edge ever since I saw Chris again, that much was true but that was only a few days ago. Surely I hadn’t been difficult to live with for that long? Ian really sounded as though he’d be glad to get rid of me.

  While I washed up Ian made coffee. Without turning round I asked, ‘What are your plans for this evening?’

  ‘There’s a concert rehearsal,’ he told me. ‘Once Jamie has finished his homework we’ll be off to that, but we should be back by nine.’

  ‘Well I hope you will,’ I said stiffly. ‘That’s late enough for Jamie.’

  ‘It is Saturday tomorrow,’ he reminded me.

  I hung up the tea towel and turned to him. ‘I have to go to Mary’s to put the finishing touches to the preparations for the wedding tomorrow,’ I lied. ‘I’ve no idea what time I’ll be back so will you give Jamie a drink and make sure he gets off to bed and doesn’t stay awake reading for too long?’

  ‘Of course I will.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll go and get ready then.’

  As I changed I was suddenly appalled at the ease with which I had lied to Ian. All my life I’d despised liars yet now the lies were tripping off my tongue without a moment’s guilt. The realization came as a shock and as I put on my make-up before the mirror I paused to take a long hard look at my reflection. Seeing Chris again seemed to have brought out the worst in me. So why had I agreed yet again to meet him? It was like running headlong towards an abyss with my eyes shut. My stomach churned and I knew a moment’s panic as I felt my self control slipping away. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that Chris was, after all, Jamie’s father. Whether he was aware of it or not we had created a child together. It was natural that I would feel a connection to him. I was an adult; married to a man I loved and the mother of a son I would die for. Spending time with Chris in Italy was necessary to put things in perspective for me, I told myself, to lay the past to rest once and for all.