by Lannah Smith
All I wanted was to finish high school and graduate peacefully.
All I wanted was to get away from this town, go to university and have that short reprieve away from anyone before I return to complete my duties to my family.
He wasn't letting me. He was confusing me. He was hurting me. And I was done.
I was fucking done.
"I'm not letting you out until you talk to me."
"Then we'll stay here forever," I answered scathingly.
John glared down at me. Then his gaze softened and his hand came to my neck. I resisted closing my eyes at his touch. I hated how much I loved his touch.
"Leon disappeared, Terry," he muttered quietly. "He disappeared and he was hurt and I just... I couldn't find him."
And I hated how much I couldn't just walk away from him.
"It fucked me up, Terry, completely that I broke my phone, forgot about you and forgot about going to the party. And that's all on me."
I stared at him.
And he kept going.
"Then I learned that he was in the hospital all along. His father came home and they got into a fight and if only I'd been there none of that would have happened. I blamed myself, Terry. If only I'd looked out for him better he wouldn't be in the damn hospital."
He framed my face with his hands, pulling my face closer to his. His eyes were glittering but I couldn't find it in me to sympathize.
"His mother... his mother died on the 26th of December. And to this day, Terry, he still has nightmares about it and he always falls into depression whenever that date comes. I already fucked up so I thought I should make his birthday wonderful at least. So I called Sophia—"
I stiffened as I felt the resentment building within me. "Sophia?" I asked coldly.
He paused, his gaze roaming all over my face, then carried on, "Yeah. Sophia Gideon. His girlfriend. I asked her help."
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Not only did I have to share John's attention with Leon, I also had to share it with Sophia Gideon.
And now I knew that I was done, really done. I was trying so hard to hold it back. To understand but I just couldn't anymore.
I just couldn't.
"So is this how it's always going to be?" I hissed as I jerked free. "You're always going to stand me up for Leon? For Sophia? Who else, Steele? Skull and Rohan too? The whole damn school?"
"No!" John grasped my hands, shaking his head, wanting me to see his side of things. "No, Terry. I—"
But I pulled away and took several steps back. "I don't want to always be the second, third, or fourth priority to you, John!" I shrieked.
"Terry—" he started but I shook my head and kept on letting it all out.
"I know you have the best intentions. I know you care for me but I can't do this." I leaned in, my eyes narrowed and shouted in his face, "I can't always be the last one you'll remember that you have in your life! I can't keep on feeling like I'm nothing to you, that you don't really care because you keep setting me aside!"
John's head jerked back and his face paled. Looking at him, I drew in a breath to calm myself down. I couldn't even cry. I was too angry to cry.
"Worst part was," I continued in a quieter tone. "Worst part was I was slowly getting used to it."
John lifted his hand and tried to touch me but I was still so angry, I stepped back. His hand stayed suspended in mid-air then he curled it into a tight fist.
"Give me a chance to speak, Terry," he said softly. "You laid it out so give me a chance to explain."
I shrugged dejectedly. "What else could you possibly have to say? More promises? More lies? I'm done, John. I can't do this anymore."
He reached out and wrapped his hand around my arm. He pulled me in gently and dipped his head closer to me, whispering, "I'm so sorry, Terry. You're right. I shouldn't keep doing this to you. Please let me make it up to you. Please."
I shook my head. "I can't."
"Please, Terry." His hand trembled and his voice shook. "Please. If it's time that you need take all the time that you need. But please. Don't give up on me. Don't give up on us."
"You don't make it easy," I replied, tilting my head to look at him.
He closed his eyes and groaned. "I know." He opened his eyes again and tried to smile but it was miserable at best. "I know."
I slid my gaze away and muttered. "I'm leaving."
"Just think about it, Terry. One more time. Give me one more chance."
"I don't want to keep on hurting, John." I stared up at his face, swallowed the painful lump in my throat and continued, "And I think it's for the best if we just break up. We never really seem to work out."
The hurt on his face was heartbreaking and but it didn't even come close to matching the hurt in my heart. But it still took everything in me to wrench my arm free and take the few steps to the door.
My hand was on the knob when he said, "I love you, Terry."
Pain slashed through my chest and I froze. I couldn't help it. I glanced at him over my shoulder.
He was trying not to come undone when he went on, "I'll always love you."
Clenching my hands into fists, I turned away, took in a shaky breath and squeezed my eyes shut.
Then I opened my eyes at the same time I opened the door and I walked out without another look back.
◆◆◆
John didn't know where to go.
He stayed in his truck and stared at the school building in front of him, gripping the steering wheel tight.
He stayed there, his mind churning, trying to figure out if he'd ever be the same, if he'd ever learn to live without her again.
He didn't know how long he stayed, just sitting in his truck.
But he just stayed there.
Until his mind hurt. Until his chest hurt.
Until everything hurt.
He closed his eyes and blew out a steady breath. He pressed his forehead against his hands on the wheel and blew out another breath.
Why does nothing go his way? he thought, devastated.
Why does everything have to be so damn hard?
He punched the steering wheel the second he felt the tears fall from his eyes.
He punched it several times, trying to bury his anger. He punched it over and over again until he could no longer feel his hands, until they were numb.
But damn it, he could still feel the hurt in his chest and in his fucking heart and it was fucking killing him.
Why did always have to let her go?
Why did he always have to lose her?
Why did he have to keep fucking things up?
He gave the wheel one last slam and leaned his head back against the car seat, pressing the heels of his palms into his wet eyes.
Fuck this.
Fuck this shit.
They weren't done. Not by a long shot.
He'd try again when she'd calm down. He wasn't going to give up. She was the only girl for him and damn it if he was going to lose her again just like that.
He'd wait for as long as it would take. He'd wait for her to come back to him. He'd wait even if his hair would turn fucking gray because he loved her so much. He couldn't imagine life without her anymore and shit, just thinking about it made him so miserable.
Shit.
Shit, he wanted her back.
The passenger door suddenly opened and he removed his hands from his eyes and turned his gaze. Skull didn't even look at him as he climbed in, he just sat quietly in the passenger seat with an unfathomable expression on his face. John looked out the window and exhaled.
"Go away, Skull," he muttered.
"Give me your hands first," Skull muttered back. "I want to check if you'd broken them."
He turned his head and yelled at his face, "I said go away!"
Skull stared at him, unperturbed.
Then he said, "I don't need to know, John. Just let me stay here."
John didn't reply. He couldn't. His chest was starting to hurt so bad again t
hat he couldn't even fucking breathe.
"But if you're done smashing the fuck out of your wheel, let's go to the pool hall. Leon said he's meeting us there."
His eyes closed and he let his head fall back on the seat again.
"And before we get there, you better stop looking like hell and act like your shitty self. I'll even punch you so he'll never know."
He shook his head, chuckling miserably, and made eye contact with Skull.
Skull was smirking at him. "Do you know you look ugly when you cry?"
"Fuck you," he replied but without heat.
Skull smirked and grabbed his wrist. John sighed heavily and let him check the other hand. Though he was pissed he got caught crying, he was glad it was Skull. Skull didn't give a fuck whatever he did, as long as he was safe and wasn't hurt. And he knew how to keep his mouth shut. So John could trust Skull with his life and secrets, secrets he could never tell Leon.
Most of the time.
"A little bruised but you can still play pool if you want," Skull commented, letting his hands go. "Though I prefer we fight with the other patrons so you could blow some steam off."
Hell, no. Leon would have his neck.
Taking yet another deep breath, John wrapped his fingers around the steering wheel then switched on the ignition of his truck.
"Let's just get to the damn pool hall," he muttered.
Chapter 26
I didn't know how he knew.
I didn't know when he knew.
But when he opened his arms wide for me, I let myself dive into them without a second thought and let him comfort me.
"Let it go, Terry," Skull told me as his long, powerful arms closed around me.
And I did.
My body shook against his with my sobs, hitching painfully everytime I did.
I'd held on to this sorrow, to this pain throughout the night and day. I'd told myself not to cry because tears meant I was wrong. Tears meant I regretted breaking up with John. All day I pretended I was my calm and composed self but the stress was too much and I found myself walking into the infirmary where I found Skull alone.
Tilting my head back, I saw him through blurry eyes and whispered, "Please tell me you went to him first."
He nodded. "He's okay. I managed to get him to the pool hall with Leon yesterday and made him act his idiotic self."
Thank God.
Then I lost sight of Skull because the wet was too much to see through so I shoved my face in his chest again.
"You... you shouldn't have come," I stammered crazily after awhile. "Your shirt's all wet, Christopher."
"I came because I know you're not alright," I heard in my ear. "I came because I needed to make sure you're going to be alright. You're the type to bottle your feelings. You need to let it all out or you'll blow, Terry. And it's Skull not Christopher."
"How did you even know about us?"
"Being dumb has its benefits. People tend to be carefree around you and say offhand comments they think you'd not care to understand." I peeled my face off his chest to say he wasn't dumb but he went on speaking, "And I know because I've always looked out for you, Terry. You were the first person who helped me and whether you like it or not, I'll always have your back."
I stared at him with grateful eyes. Then I sucked in a broken breath, sucked in another one to control myself and stop the tears and nodded at him.
"Good girl," he said, letting me go and patting my head. "Hang out with your friends today. It'll help you take your mind off this."
I brushed his hand off my head and frowned up at him, "I don't know. I don't think I'm suited for company today."
"Try."
I pursed my lips, thinking about it. Then I asked him in a small, trembling voice, "What about him?"
Skull stretched out his arm and nabbed the tissue box from the nurse's table beside us. He began to wipe the tear stains from my face with a tissue like I was a child, none too gently if I may add, and I told myself he was comforting me in his own caveman ways to stop myself from socking him.
"We actually have a situation right now," he said. "Rohan has a problem."
Grabbing the tissue from him, I muttered, "Well, I don't want to know what it is about."
He grinned. "But you'll find out on your own anyway."
I didn't answer. I walked to the mirror and checked my face. The tension had eased from my body and my mood had elevated after crying, making me feel so much better. I took a deep breath, this one finally didn't break, and I squared my shoulders, smoothing my expression into the cool indifference I was known for.
"Do you want me to beat up John for you? For being a dick?"
I flinched and looked at him. "Remove that eager look on your face," I admonished him. "And he wasn't being a... dick. I'm certain of all people you know why this had to end."
"I actually don't," he answered truthfully.
Shaking my head, I told him, "Whatever. I have to get back to class."
He grinned at me. "You'll be alright, Terry."
I smiled back at him gratefully before I left. I didn't need to tell him not to let anyone know about this or about me crying because he'd never tell anyone.
It was like when we were children but this time, it was different.
We weren't just acknowledging each other's pain anymore. We were helping each other get through it, or at least he was. I've yet to do something for him.
For the first time in years, I regretted not being able to be his friend or treat him as one.
Dang, but John, Leon and Rohan should be treating him well. They should be feeling fortunate they had his friendship. Because it was one of the things I could not seem to have, along with John, in my awful life.
Sophia couldn't look me in the eye when she said to me, "I need to go to the ladies' room. I'll be, um, back."
I nodded at her. As soon as she got my consent, she quickly disappeared into the ladies' room. Watching the door close behind her, I let out the tired sigh I was holding in and scowled at the table top.
This was driving me crazy. Sophia was driving me crazy, acting like I'd eat her alive if she made one wrong move. I know I scared her, sure, but did she really have to act like I was a monster?
It was infuriating at best, especially since I needed to become her close friend.
"Where's Sophia?" Hannah said, arriving with our drinks and food. The three of us were at a coffee shop a few blocks away from school.
"Ladies' room," I answered as I composed my expression.
"Number two?"
I took my cup of coffee from her and took a sip. Then I raised a brow at her. "How the heck would I know?"
"Are you having fun?" she asked me with a smile.
I frowned at her. "Maybe. Why?"
"It's still surprising that you asked us out for coffee," she replied. "I thought you'd go home straight away since you said Aunt Flo is visiting you today."
I shrugged. I did have the cramps and although I took something for it, it still hurt and made me a bit moody. But Haru had been on my case lately, asking about Sophia, and I knew it was time to get closer to her. And I thought I'd heed Skull's advice to hang out with friends. I'd rather suffer in Sophia's presence anyway to distract myself than continue to stay in my room, thinking about John and just tormenting myself.
"I need to use the toilet too." I murmured, setting down my cup. "I'll be back."
Her smile disappeared. "You're not going to kill her in the ladies' room right?"
"No," I deadpanned. "I'd rather kill you right now."
She burst into snickers and waved me off. With another sigh, I left the table and headed to the ladies' room. Just as I entered a stall, the door burst behind me and a group of girls entered.
"John? You did it with John Steele over the break?"
I blinked, my chin jerking back with my blink. I immediately closed the stall door behind me.
"Seriously? You did?" another girl said with amazement.
Leaning
my back against the door, I crossed my arms, looked at the floor and listened closely.
