by Lannah Smith
Not because she kept talking about Leon, worrying about his black moods and his dark scowls.
No, because she was so stupid for not knowing that the catalyst for everything that was happening was her.
Her.
Because she'd talked to Suzie and not avoid her like I'd told her to. Because Leon found out about it and got so pissed at Suzie for involving his girlfriend. Because of her, Leon went to confront Suzie and found out that Suzie knew about him way before he entered East Private School. She was one of the first people who found them, him and his dead and brutally raped mother, at Leon's home.
At the back of my mind, I knew Sophia might be the root cause but she didn't mean any of this to happen. Still, I detested it, detested her. Because of her, John was suffering right now.
"Is this why you called me here?" I asked John angrily, referring to the path behind the gym. "To talk to me about this?"
John sighed. "And you need to take your painkillers."
"Don't blame my attitude on my monthly mood, Steele."
"I would never dare."
I stared at him, pursing my lips, knowing he was being sarcastic.
Then I said in a calmer voice, "Then I'll be leaving now. It's lunch hour and I'm hungry."
He caught my upper arm as I turned and pulled me gently in front of his body. He dipped his head closer to me, whispering, "I'm happy that you're feeling this way and acting out on her because you're angry for me. But she's not Leon, Terry."
I leaned in and reminded him, "If you had just let me talk to him and let me give him a piece of my mind then I would be not taking it out on her."
He grinned. How the heck he found that amusing, I wouldn't know.
"You know I can't do that."
"Because he's back to being his dark, moody self?" I asked dryly.
His smile dropped. "That and because I don't him to hurt you."
"Oh, please. Like he could," I told him angrily. "And I don't care if he hurts me. I care that he keeps on hurting you. I'm mad that he takes you for granted when he knows he's so fortunate that he has you by his side. I'm furious because we keep on hiding our relationship like this yet he keeps on driving you away and making you feel like a worthless friend."
John fell silent. His face was shadowed with pain. I noticed I was breathing hard and took a deep breath, trying to calm down on the exhale.
I should have taken my painkillers. It was already bad enough for John and I wasn't doing him any good, letting my monthly mood and anger for Leon out on him.
"I'm sorry," I muttered up to him, wrapping my hands around the sides of his neck, stroking his jaw with my thumbs. "You're right. I'm being a bitch to you and Sophia. I can't promise I'll stop but I'll try to tone it down, okay?"
His lips twitched and he bent his neck to kiss my lips. "You're not you if you're not being a bitch."
I glared at him. "I don't appreciate being called a bitch."
"You just said... you know what. Never mind."
His body to mine, his hand at the side of my neck and his other arm curling low at my waist, he kissed me again. This time longer and much, much sweeter.
"I love you, baby," he murmured against my lips.
"I don't like being called a toddler."
"You always say that but I know you like me calling you baby."
"You're imagining things again, toddler."
He threw his head back and laughed. I watched, my heart feeling like it was swelling to twice its size. It was strange that he thought that was funny or how he thought I was funny because I never really thought I had a humorous bone in my body.
"What do you want for your birthday tomorrow?" he asked.
I grew quiet. Then I murmured, "A ring."
"A ring?" he chuckled. Then, as if a thought occurred to him, he asked. "Didn't I give you one?"
With effort, I forced out the truth, "I... threw it away the night of the ball."
His face looked upset. I watched him close his eyes and expel a long sigh.
When he opened them, he said, "I'll buy you another."
I shook my head. I placed my hand on top of his hand on my neck and rubbed the silver ring on his ring finger.
"Will you let me have this instead?" I asked him.
The tension left his shoulders. He smiled. "I'll resize all of my rings and give them to you."
"So I have a lot to throw when I'm mad at you?"
He tweaked my nose. "Everytime you throw the things I give you I'll buy another one. And it will be more expensive than the first."
"You'll go bankrupt."
"I don't care. I've always wanted to give my rings to the girl I love."
"Then you're lucky you found her."
He started chuckling.
Then he stopped abruptly. He shifted his fingers on my neck until they were entwined with mine. His thumb started to rub against my palm and in habit, I wrenched my hand away.
I held my breath at the look in his eyes.
"Can I ask you something again?" he asked in a low, worrying tone.
"What is it?" I breathed.
"Can I hold your hand?"
My whole body stiffened and he noticed. My breath entirely evacuated my lungs and my heart started to pound.
"No," I replied in a strangled voice, looking over his shoulder.
His arm tightened around me and cupped my jaw in his other hand. "Is there something you're not telling me Terry?"
I shook my head, feeling my face pale.
"You said I've lost the privilege to learn all your secrets since I walked away from you. Do I still don't have it back?"
Oh, God. He wasn't letting this go.
I looked at him, my hands shooting away from his body as if his skin burned me. "Can you give me more time?"
"Just tell me this." His face was hard, his eyes flashing with anger. "Do you think I'll ever earn that privilege again?"
My throat started to burn. "I want to give it to you, John. But... but I'm really not ready yet."
"Fine. When you do, then I want to know about your first engagement."
My head jerked back and my hands clenched against my chest. "Who told you that?"
His eyes narrowed as they roamed around my face. "Your brother. It was Lucas, wasn't it?"
The blood from my face completely drained. "I... I don't want to talk about him."
He shut his eyes and dipped his head until his forehead was on mine. "Please tell me he didn't hurt you too," he said in a ragged voice.
I made sure not to cry. I wasn't going to shed a tear over Lucas Russo again.
"Are we done here?" I asked coldly. "If we are, you can let go of me."
His eyes flew open and his head went up. His eyes narrowed on me, his face dark. Then they landed on dropped to my clenched hands and they tightened.
He let me go and stepped back. Immediately, I missed his warmth. And immediately, I regretted my attitude again.
"Go eat your lunch," he muttered, looking away. "I'll call you later."
"I'll be busy with work." I pushed past him. It hurt me to do it. But I had to. "I'll see you tomorrow instead."
He laughed harshly and I looked back at him and his angry face.
"Make sure to take your damn pills, Terry."
John was in a completely shitty mood.
Terry was making him crazy.
Hot and cold. That's what his girlfriend was.
He should be used to it again since he'd gotten used to it before. But maybe their time off from each other has made him sensitive and thin-skinned. He was lacking confidence, he knew, in his ability to make her stay and he also felt insecure that she'd change her mind again which was why he tried treading on delicate topics gently. There were a lot of things he'd yet to find about Terry's life during those years he lost her and he knew that whatever it was, it had taken a toll on her and on her behavior.
And he caught a glimpse of them again but he was sure.
He was now sure those fading, ba
rely there marks on her palms came from her nails.
Last week, when she fell asleep after they made love, he'd taken her hand to study her palm. He'd seen glimpses of them before, including when they had volleyball. Carefully and slowly, he lifted one hand to him because if he didn't, she'd immediately wake up, being the light sleeper that she was.
She did wake up but he still saw them clearly.
White, fingernail-shaped scars.
And seeing those, something colossal had changed in the way he thought about Terry.
He knew what those marks meant. They have fucking brochures in the school's infirmary and guidance center about it. But fucking hell, why did she have those fucking marks and when did she start to do it?
And fucking hell, how could he have missed them?
"What's up with you?" Skull asked John when he joined them on the rooftop.
John didn't reply. He went straight to Leon's side and sat on the floor next to him.
"What's wrong?" Skull asked again, nudging his foot.
John glared up at him. Then he answered, "Menstruation."
Even Leon, who was deep in his thoughts, looking listless, turned his head so fast John wouldn't be surprise he'd have whiplash. Rohan, who was sitting on the other side of Leon, almost dropped his cell phone.
"Did - did you say menstruation?" Rohan sputtered. "You don't have a... you're not a... are you?"
John rolled his eyes. "I'm not a hermaphrodite if that's what you mean."
"You have a vag?" Skull asked, frowning down at him.
"I just said I'm not a hermaphrodite."
"I don't know what that means."
"It means he only has a dick," Rohan inserted impatiently. "Care to explain, John?"
John let out an angry sigh. "I don't want to talk about it."
"But you saying you don't want to talk about it means you do want to talk about it."
"No, Rohan. I don't."
"Ah," Skull said and they all looked at him. "She's on the rag, isn't she?"
Immediately, Rohan went to the other side of the rooftop, the disgust on his face comical.
"True men talk about menstruation and can take it like a man, Rohan," Skull called out.
Rohan inserted ear buds in his ears and started to play on his cell phone again, paying them no heed anymore.
Skull laughed loudly. And John got pissed off even more.
It hadn't been a while since he found out that Skull knew Terry way back in grade school. Skull had been evasive about what their real relationship was; only telling him that she used to help him with schoolwork. They acknowledge each other in school now and then, Skull told him, but they weren't really friends. Skull wouldn't let himself taint Terry's reputation, unlike someone, he jokingly finished.
And John resented that. Skull should have told him about knowing her. But it did explain the reason why the massive jerk comforted him when Terry broke up with him and why he looked irritable whenever John talked about other girls in front of him.
"So I take it she's difficult when she's on her period?" Skull asked him.
"Difficult?" John scoffed. "Try near damn impossible. Do you know that before we broke up, our worst fights were about the stupidest things? Like one time, I touched her pinky and she fucking bit my head off, saying that I was constantly touching her and she needed space. We also had a fight about coffee, saying that putting sugar in it was an abomination and ranted on and on about why I put sugar in mine. I found out later that all those crazy arguments were because she was on her period."
When he stopped ranting, he immediately felt a little better. It was nice, finally having some people to talk about his girlfriend.
"Sucks man," Skull said, acting all sympathetic.
Leon blinked as he listened. Then he blinked again.
"Sophia ever act like that?" Skull asked Leon.
"Fuck if I know. I've never noticed."
"Then you're lucky. For now," John ended ominously. "But you better prepare for that eventuality. Girls are unpredictable. I can't imagine sweet Sophia getting pissed but it's better to be aware of that fact. They cry too."
Leon was listening to him hard. And John was glad he finally had his attention since he hadn't for a long time, not since Leon unraveled in the basement of his house.
It still hurt John whenever he thought about it. So he tried not to think about it all.
"Chocolates should soften her up," Skull muttered thoughtfully. "I heard eating a lot of sweet food will improve her mood. And a heat pad on her back or belly."
"She barely lets me touch her during her monthly mood, saying I was making her hot and she didn't mean the good kind of hot," John grumbled. "And she doesn't like eating sweet food that much."
"So what was your fight about?"
John turned to Leon.
"Is this about something stupid?" he continued to ask.
"No," John answered quietly. "It wasn't."
Leon nodded and slid his gaze away, but not before John saw the flash of guilt in his best friend's eyes.
Fucking shit.
"Leon," he sighed.
"Don't tell me it's not about me because I know it is."
Skull kicked his foot again when John was about to deny it. John looked at him and Skull shook his head. Gritting his teeth, John had no choice but to shut his mouth and look away.
This was not working well for him. They've been giving Leon his space since he shattered into fucking pieces after he talked with Suzie, trying not to antagonize him and trying to be careful.
But until when will they give Leon his space?
Until when will Leon be fucking alright again?
I carried my tray after paying and walked to the sliding doors, heading for Sophia and Hannah who had already started to eat lunch.
My mood was still unpleasant after my argument with John. And the pain and cramps made me feel worse. I hated getting my period. And I hate having to take medicine for both the pain and the moods. The pills usually take time to work and I should have taken them earlier. But with all the work from student council, I'd forgotten.
Later, I'd text John and apologize. I didn't want to start a fight with him again so I'd wait until we've both cooled our heads.
And God, God, I couldn't tell him about those marks on my palms just yet. Or the horror I'd suffered from my mother's hands. He'd... I couldn't even think about it. The possibility of what the knowledge would do to him terrified me so much. And he was already going through hell right now, dealing with Leon and dealing with my problems with Haru. I wouldn't add my self-harm to that.
At the back of my mind, I was also afraid he'd leave me. I wasn't doing him justice, thinking this way. But this... this behavior of mine just proves that I may have mental problems like my mother. I might be exactly like my mother. The thought of it, the nightmare of it sometimes kept me up all night.
Hannah and Sophia spotted me coming to their table and I read the trepidation in their faces as they stared at me. It irked me how Sophia had the gall to be afraid of me and it frustrated me so much I couldn't help but slam my tray down on the table, making them jump with a start. I sat down, breathing heavily, in hopes of cooling my temper.
It didn't work.
"T-Terry?" Hannah leaned towards me. "Are you... okay?"
I picked up my fork and stabbed the piece of chicken on my plate. Holding on to my anger, I asked acidly. "Why?"
"You seem like you're in a bad mood."
"I'm not in a bad mood."
"Yes, you are. You just stabbed the chicken twice."
Before I could reply, Hannah suddenly yelped and leaned down to rub her shin, glaring at Sophia all the while. I focused my attention on my chicken, noticing that I was indeed stabbing at it.
"Was that Leon?" I heard Hannah ask Sophia.
"No." Sophia put her phone down on the table. "It's from my Dad."
"I don't get your boyfriend. He's like a girl on permanent PMS mode."
"Will you st
op with the PMS jokes?"
Hannah turned to me. "What do you think, Terry?"
"About what?" I muttered.
"About Leon."
The bitterness snuck up on me. I recognized the signs and I tried shoving it away as I replied, "I don't give a damn about him."
