I got into the passenger seat of Mandy’s car and sat quietly while she pulled out and drove the two minutes to my apartment. As silly as it seemed, I let her, waiting for her to start talking about whatever was going on.
When she got out of the car I knew it was going to be a long night. If she was coming inside then Xander had screwed up pretty badly. I mentally ran through my kitchen and realized I had two bottles of wine and a carton of ice cream in the freezer. It would have to do.
I let us inside and Brownie came running over to say hi. Mandy was a cat person, but she liked Brownie. She kneeled on the floor to rub him all over and he flopped to his back, exposing his belly for extra scratches. Mandy laughed as she obliged his unspoken request.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. “What happened, Mandy? You’re killing me here. Is something wrong with you and Xander?”
Mandy looked up at me with dreamy eyes and said, “No. Xander’s perfect. I’m here because I’m worried about you.”
Oh, shit, I thought, the interrogation continues. Mandy stood up and put her arm over my shoulder then led me into my living room to sit on the couch. I was already confused and having my best friend sit there and tell me that she was sure everything was okay was not my idea of a good end to my evening.
“Mandy, I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about me,” I told her, ready to get the hell out of there. I jumped up from the couch and went into the kitchen.
“That’s the problem, Claire. I’ll always worry about you. Just like you were worried about me with Xander. I know you’re unsure about getting into something with Aidan, or anyone else, but he was really sweet.”
I pulled my fridge open and grabbed the bottle of wine I had in there. I pulled out two glasses and filled one to the top and the other halfway, handing Mandy the one only half full. We clinked glasses and I took a long fortifying drink of mine, the alcohol and chill making me shiver as it worked down my throat.
“You really like him, but I can tell you don’t want to.”
“Mandy, I appreciate all this, but it seems like none of it matters. If Aidan isn’t interested in me then who cares how I feel.”
Mandy set her wine glass down on the counter and stepped closer to me. “It always matters how you feel. If you’re unhappy then it matters. If you’re happy, it matters. And everything in between.”
I blew out a breath, wondering how much to confess to Mandy. Her peaked eyebrow told me she saw right through my attempts at disguising just how lost I felt. “I don’t know if I’m happy lately. Watching you with Xander, seeing you so happy… It made me realize how much is missing from my life.”
“Like what?” Mandy asked, taking a sip from her glass, I knew to keep herself from filling in the gap with what she thought I might feel like I was missing.
I shrugged. “I’m not entirely sure. A part of me feels like I’m just going through the motions of life. You love your job, but I just have one that pays the bills. You have Xander, but I’m barely functional around men. You have your own house, but I’m renting with no plans to change that.”
“You have to do what works for you. Two months ago I barely had one of those things.”
“You always loved your job,” I argued.
“True,” Mandy conceded. “But I love it so much more without Melody, and being in charge.”
Mandy had recently been promoted to Customer Service Manager. During the decision process it came out that her rival at work, Melody, was spreading rumors about Mandy and almost got her fired. Mandy stood up for herself against Melody for the first time ever and Melody ended up with out a job instead.
I smiled, knowing Xander brought about the biggest change in Mandy. Before him I don’t think she would have stood up to Diana, her old boss, and gotten Melody fired. She changed with Xander in her life, in a good way.
“What do you want to do if you don’t want to work for TSA anymore?”
I shrugged again, not sure how much I was ready to confess. I’d been tossing ideas around in my own head, but that didn’t mean I wanted to share.
“You have an idea, don’t you? You know what you want to do,” Mandy stated. She could read me as well as I could read her.
I chewed on my lip and nodded. “I want to help other girls. Girls who face what I faced. Even better would be to stop it before it happened.”
“You want to work with girls who were raped?” Mandy asked, shocked.
I nodded. “I don’t want anyone to still have scars so many years later. I want them to heal. They should be able to have normal lives, normal relationships-“
“So should you,” Mandy interrupted me.
Tears filled my eyes. Part of me knew she was right. If someone else deserved it there was no reason to believe I didn’t also, but it was harder to accept. I was tainted. It wasn’t a shock that Aidan didn’t want me, even if he didn’t know the whole truth about my past. Maybe he sensed there was something more going on when I ran out.
“He talked about you, did you know that?” Mandy interrupted my train of thought, seeming to read my mind. “The entire time you were away from the table he talked about you. How much he enjoyed working with you, how happy he was to finally meet your friends, how excited he was to meet Brownie and the fun he had playing with him. Whenever Sam tried to get him to focus on her he would always break into another story of something you did. He was trying to tell Sam, without making her feel bad, that he wasn’t interested in her because he only had eyes for you. That’s not the man who kisses you and doesn’t call.”
I shook my head and swallowed another gulp of my wine. The wine was starting to make my brain fuzzy already since I hadn’t eaten dinner yet and was drinking quickly. I didn’t want to think about how sweet Aidan was or how much he liked me before he kissed me. I didn’t want to hear about how much my friends got along with him or how much he talked about me. I couldn’t. Because it hurt.
I didn’t want to hurt over a man who was never mine. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t.
“Mandy, please just stop. Okay, all that was before he kissed me. Before he ignored me for three days. I don’t think I can take it okay. I just want to try to move on. I don’t know how I’m going to face him at work knowing with one kiss he changed my whole life.”
“What do you mean? How did he change your life?”
I snorted a laugh knowing she would think I was crazy. Even though Mandy had found Xander, she’d never talked about his kisses the way I felt about Aidan’s. She would think I was losing my mind.
“He gave me something to believe in again. When he kissed me it felt as though my world was making sense for the first time in a long time. I didn’t want him to stop. I finally understood why you guys all love sex. And that was just from a kiss.”
Surprisingly Mandy didn’t laugh. She just watched me, taking it all in. Listening as though I was telling her the secrets of life.
“I felt that the first time Xander kissed me. It was the best kiss of my life, seriously rocked my world. But it wasn’t just that he was a good kisser. It was the passion, love, and care behind it. It was the connection that felt as though we’d known each other forever. The sudden and unbending need for him to be by my side forever. It scared the shit out of me.”
“Yeah, me too. It scared Aidan too, I know it did. He didn’t talk to me the rest of the day.”
“Really?” Mandy said, scratching her head as though she was trying to figure something out. “Did he just bolt?”
I shook my head as the scene played out in my mind all over again. “He held my hand. We stood there, holding hands, and he threw the stick for Brownie. When Brownie had enough Aidan walked us back to the door, kissed my forehead and left without saying anything else. It was like we were both in a trance. I didn’t know what to say to him and thought he felt the same.”
“How do you know he didn’t?”
I shrugged. “If he did, shouldn’t he have called?”
Mandy took a deep breath, pr
eparing to say something she knew I wasn’t going to like. “I’m all for the guy making the first move and paying and all that shit, but you could have called him. Maybe he’s feeling as thrown by all this as you are and thinks you don’t want to hear from him. Maybe he’s worried you changed your mind about him. Or maybe he’s just working like I told you before.”
At that point, anything was possible.
“I guess I figured since he’s always pursued me that he would continue doing so. If he’s no longer interested, then I understand why he wouldn’t call. But if he feels the same as he did before, he should have called. He should have let me know something. Am I being crazy?”
Mandy shook her head then took a sip of her wine. “I get it hun, I really do. I felt the same way with Xander. He was the one who was coming after me. He wanted to set up our first date, and kept calling me. He was the one who asked me out. But now that we’re past all the shit we dealt with at the beginning,” I raised my eyebrow at her. “Okay, I’m past all the shit, he didn’t have anything to get past. Anyway… he’s told me that he wondered for a long time if I was really interested in him. He said since he was always the one calling he felt like I was just putting up with him until someone better came along.”
“You were just afraid he was screwing with you,” I protested on her behalf.
She nodded, “Yeah, I was. But at the time he didn’t know that. He had no way of knowing that. He told me that every time he picked up the phone to call me or text me his hands would shake and he was feel like he was going to be sick. It’s hard to imagine him being less than confident, but he said he knew he liked me the moment he heard my voice. I felt the same, I just didn’t trust it. I think the same might be happening with you and Aidan.”
“I don’t know…”
“I could be way off, but crossing from friends to more is scary. It’s even harder for you and Aidan since you’ve been friends for years and you work together. It’s not like you can just go back if things don’t work out. Honestly though, the little bit that we talked to him, I think he’s a good guy.”
I nodded. “He’s the best man I know. No offense to Xander. Aidan watches out for me at work, always there to do the tasks he knows make me uncomfortable, even though he doesn’t know why.”
Mandy’s brow furrowed as she asked, “Like what?”
I knew how Mandy felt about her weight. Even though she never expected to find a man like Xander, she always hoped she’d find love. She dated in college and has had a few boyfriends since we’ve been out of college. Her weight was an issue for her because she worried about the opinions of others, but she was happy. She hadn’t spent her whole life trying to lose weight.
And she didn’t totally understand why I’d spent my adult life gaining weight.
“You know how you like being in customer service because no one can see you and judge you by your appearance?” She nodded. “Well, I don’t like being in front of passengers because when they get mad about something they tend to get nasty. I’ve been called a fat bitch more times than I can count just because the x-ray picked up something and I had to inspect a bag. Aidan picked up on my apprehension to work the end of the line and whenever we are together he works it for me.”
“He cares a lot about you. That doesn’t go away. Especially not after a toe curling kiss.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at Mandy. Toe curling definitely described his kiss. Toe curling, earth shattering, body quivering. Yep, they all worked.
“Are you afraid to let him in because of BJ? You’ve dated since him so I sort of figured you were over him, but we don’t ever talk about it.”
I drained the rest of my wine glass, both uneasy about talking about my ex and about comparing the two men. There was no comparison. There couldn’t be. If I was afraid to let Aidan in then was it saying I thought he could be like BJ? If I was just afraid then what did it say about me?
“I don’t like talking about BJ. I trusted him. Obviously I shouldn’t have, but I was 17 and stupid, apparently. I’ve never really been able to trust a guy since, but I trust Aidan. We’ve been friends for years and I know he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s not BJ. The problem is that since I do trust him, I’m scared. It’s hard to trust him and be moving into another territory. When he kissed me I didn’t want him to stop. And I think that scared me more than anything else.”
“What do you mean?” Mandy asked softly.
“I never enjoyed sex. You guys talk about it and I sit there and wonder what I did wrong. It was never fun for me, but just kissing Aidan was better than any sex I’ve ever had. It made me want to try other things.”
I’ve never talked to Mandy about sex because I’ve never had anything to talk about. Even though I’d had sex, it was a long time ago, and I certainly never asked for advice or brought up the subject. Mandy vented and shared stories with me over the years, but me starting a discussion was a little weird for us.
“You wanted to sleep with him just because of his kiss, but it scared you because you trust him enough that you would consider it. Is that about right?”
I nodded.
“God, I was so you three months ago. Did I tell you that Xander and I slept together after our first date?” I nodded. She’d felt funny about it at the time and seemed embarrassed about it, but now… well, she seemed different. “It was because of his kisses. He kissed me right when I got to the restaurant because he said he couldn’t wait another minute to kiss me. We kissed and danced and shared our food and by the time the date was over we were ready to jump each other in the parking lot. He hid behind me all night because he was so hard his erection was tenting his jeans. In the week we’d spent getting to know each other on the phone I’d fallen hard for him and I couldn’t imagine walking away from him.”
Oh shit. I didn’t want to hear I was falling in love with Aidan. It was too soon. We still didn’t know each other that well. And he hadn’t called me.
But damn, Mandy was right. What she was describing, what she went through, I felt all those same things. For a woman who decided love wasn’t in her future, I sure was diving in head first.
I could only hope someone was there to catch me.
“Claire, I’m not trying to say you’re in love with Aidan. Only you know that. I just know I felt the same way with Xander. I couldn’t get enough of him and couldn’t keep my hands, or the rest of me, off him. And he felt the same way. Aidan wouldn’t have kissed you if he didn’t like you. And kisses like you described… they’re not one-sided. He felt it, too.”
Mandy drank the rest of her wine and looked at me. She was trying to figure out if she’d made me feel better or worse. So was I. I knew when she said the words that I was already starting to fall in love with Aidan. Truthfully it’d been happening over the years that we’d known each other, but I’d buried it. Unfortunately, like Mandy said, we wouldn’t be able to go back to how things were before. I just had to wait and see if he wanted to move forward with me or if I would have to move on alone.
Mandy left a few minutes later so she could get home to Xander. She hadn’t officially moved in with him yet, but she barely stayed home anymore, even moving her cat, Zada, over to Xander’s house. I took Brownie out for a walk and found some left over pizza in my fridge. Once I’d curled up on my couch I picked up my phone and realized I had a text message. From Aidan.
‘Sorry I haven’t called. Working third while we’re supposed to be off. Miss you. Can’t stop thinking about you. See you tomorrow.’
And just like that, he was forgiven.
Seven
The next few days at work flew by. Aidan flirted with me every chance he got but we didn’t end up getting together after work at all. Aidan picked up an extra shift two days and the third day he had plans with his parents. He did invite me to dinner with them but I declined. I couldn’t imagine meeting his parents when Aidan and I were still just getting to know each other.
After our fourth day a group of us would usually go out. Aid
an asked me late in the shift if I wanted to tag along with everyone else. I wasn’t sure if I was up to it, really just wanting to relax but I also wanted to spend some time with him. I wasn’t ready to be alone with him again though, and our group was always fun to hang out with, so I agreed to go.
In the staff room after our shift, three of our other coworkers were talking about their plans. Nicole and Jenn were good friends and Bob was hopelessly in love with Nicole. If Nicole and Jenn were going out there was no doubt Bob would be going with them.
“Let’s go to Malley’s tonight. I want to drink, be loud, and kick Bob’s ass at pool,” Jenn clapped her hands together giddily. I inwardly groaned. Malley’s wasn’t my favorite place, but at least they had good drinks. I sucked at pool and wasn’t too thrilled about sitting around and watching everyone else having fun. “I need to get rid of the rest of this energy. Aidan, are you coming with us?”
I hadn’t even noticed him come into the room. Instinctively I turned to look at him and saw him nod. “Yeah. I’m pretty beat so I might not stay too late, but I’ll come with for a little while.”
Even though I knew he was going, it was nice to hear it. Malley’s wasn’t a great place for us to talk, but at least the others would be distracted with pool. We might get more of a chance to talk than I first thought, even if it was an early night.
I understood him not wanting to be out late. He’d been working ten days straight with two of those days being double shifts. He had to be worn out. And selfishly I’d wanted to do something with him because I’d missed him. It’d been a week since his kiss and I was still dreaming about him. He hadn’t kissed me again, which wasn’t a surprise since I’d only seen him at work. A part of me hoped that would change.
“Party pooper,” Nicole teased him. She was tall and gorgeous with more than her fare share of curves. Nicole was also fun and easy to be around. And for some reason she never gave me the feeling she was into Aidan, which made it so much easier for me to like her. “You and Claire are so boring. She said she’s not staying out long either.”
Lush & Lovely (Big & Beautiful Book 2) Page 5
