by Ravenna Tate
“That won’t be easy.” Tears sprang to her eyes. She tried to stop them but couldn’t.
“Meghan, we’re friends. Tell me what’s going on. You’re scaring me.”
Chapter Eight
“I didn’t want to tell you this right now. Not while you’re pregnant and still sick from it.”
“Tell me anyway. It’s just morning sickness. The baby is fine.”
“Promise me you won’t get upset.”
“I’m upset that you’re keeping something this important from me. Please just say it.”
Meghan closed her eyes for a few seconds and forced her breathing to slow. “The story I told you and the officers about my ex-boyfriend isn’t the entire truth.”
“Well, considering what you all now know about my history with Brad, I think I will understand anything you tell me about that relationship.”
“Yeah. I know. You’ve been there and done that. But what you don’t know about the physical abuse Kevin put me through is that the last time he put me in the hospital, on the night he was arrested for armed robbery, I was seven months pregnant.”
Chloe stared at her, turned pale, and sat down.
“Shit. Are you okay? Should I go and get Gorgon?”
“No. No, I’m fine. Sit with me. Tell me what happened. Although I can probably guess…”
Meghan took a seat next to Chloe in the grass. “That night, he kicked me until I passed out. When I woke up, Faith had been delivered, and had been life-flighted to Rainbow. She lived for a week, but there was nothing they could do. She was bleeding into her brain because of the trauma.”
“Oh my God.” Chloe’s big blue eyes filled with tears.
“He was arrested that night, but they dropped the charges for what he did to me, because some lawyer his rich family found convinced a judge that my statement was no good, due to all the drugs they had to give me in the ER.”
“What? That’s bullshit!”
“I agree, but it is what it is. He’s in jail for two to eight years.”
“That’s not long enough.”
“No amount of time would be long enough. My little girl, Faith Anne, is buried in St. Mary’s cemetery.”
“Is that where you go all the time?”
“Yes.”
Chloe reached over and gave Meghan a hug, which only made Meghan cry harder. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“I didn’t want the pity. Or the questions. You know how it is. Why did you stay so long? Why didn’t you call the cops? Why didn’t you blah, blah, blah.”
“Yeah. I know exactly what you mean there.” Chloe released the embrace. “Does Phenex know this?”
“Yes.”
Chloe’s expression grew pained. “Meghan, forgive me, but are you saying that you told him about losing your baby, yet you haven’t told him how you still feel about him?”
“Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.”
“You need to tell him.”
“So you’ve said. Many times now.”
“Because it’s true. Look, I know how it is. These guys are sexy as hell but also very intimidating. Thing is, underneath all those muscles and tattoos, and the way they swear like fucking sailors, they’re still just men. They all want the same thing. Someone to love them.”
“Phenex has never shown me the slightest bit of interest beyond getting his dick inside my mouth as often as possible.”
“Not true.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean it’s not true. You should see the way he stares at you while you work. When he’s one of the members guarding the stage, or keeping an eye on things in the club, he’s got his eyes on you far more than he has them on the stairs leading to the stage, or on the crowd.”
That was news to Meghan.
“And once, when I walked into a meeting for a moment that Gorgon was having with all the patched members, to bring him something he’d asked for, Apollyon and Jinn must have been talking about you. Because Jinn said something along the lines of always being stuck in the sound booth during the hours the club was open, and never getting to see you at work.”
“Making drinks?”
“No. They weren’t talking about that. Apollyon was talking about a time when you took a break to give a few of them blowjobs in the private room. That’s when Jinn made the comment.”
Oh. Yes. That. Meghan had done that more than once. “What does that have to do with Phenex?” If she remembered correctly, he’d been there, too, the times she’d done that.
“Jinn went on to say that next time you took a break from work, they needed to send you into the sound booth so he could get in on the action as well. Phenex practically jumped down Jinn’s throat, telling him he should be happy you even looked at his ugly face, let alone have fucked him more than once. His reaction was totally over the top and out of proportion to what he and Apollyon had said. But before I had a chance to hear anything else, Gorgon waved me out of the room.”
“When did this happen?”
“At least six months ago.”
Six months ago? Hope began to build. She was afraid to let it, but how could it not after hearing this? “I had no idea.”
“Well, it wasn’t the only time Phenex showed preference for you.”
“If that’s true, why hasn’t he said anything to me?”
“I don’t know. Phenex is a closed book. He was badly hurt. Maybe it’s like I said? He’s afraid to take a chance again? Look how long it took Mastema to let himself get close to another woman after Tina died. Eight years.”
Mastema’s first old lady, Tina, had died in a car crash while pregnant with their child. The child had died, too. It had taken him years to let anyone into his heart again. Kayla was now his old lady, but getting there hadn’t been easy for him.
Phenex wasn’t a closed book to her, but even he had told her people remarked all the time they couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Was that because he showed his emotions only to her, or did she posses an insight into his thoughts that no one else in this building did?
Thunder rumbled in the distance, and the wind kicked up. “We’d better get back,” said Chloe.
“Do you want me to speak to Gorgon?” asked Meghan. “To reassure him I’m not leaving?”
“No. I’ll do it. But what specifically do you want me to tell him?”
She wasn’t ready for the entire club to know about Faith, that was certain. “Tell him I shared something in my past with you that doesn’t affect club business, but that I’m not ready to share it with everyone yet.”
“Okay. But what about why you aren’t having sex with anyone now? He’s going to ask me.”
Fuck. “If you tell him how I feel about Phenex, will he keep it to himself?”
“Yes. He doesn’t get involved in that shit unless it affects the others.”
“Okay. Then you can tell him.”
“He’ll tell me to tell you to say something to Phenex.”
Meghan smiled. “And you can tell him that you already did, many times, and that I’m considering it.”
That night, while Meghan worked, she sought out Phenex as often as possible. And sure enough, what Chloe said was true. Every time she found his gaze, he’d already been watching her. Each time, he nodded, gave her a quick smile or a wink, and then glanced away. But when she sought him out again, even if it was only a few moments later, his eyes were on her.
How the fuck had she never noticed that before?
Because you weren’t looking for it, perhaps?
Yeah. That. And, considering she’d been avoiding him for days, he might be more focused on her tonight. Either way, this was ridiculous. They were both acting like middle school kids. It was time to do what she’d decided to do days ago. It was time to tell him how she still felt. And if he rejected her again, then so be it. At least she’d know and could then stop this immature behavior.
Meghan usually stayed long after the club closed to help clean up, unless sh
e was having sex with one of the members by then. Tonight, she stayed so she could ask to speak with Phenex when they were finally done.
“Got a minute?” she asked, cornering him next to the stage.
“Of course.”
“We need to talk. Privately.” Her heart pounded as several emotions crossed his face, including fear. What the hell was that about? Why was he afraid to talk to her?
“Yeah. Sure. Your room or mine?”
“Either one. You choose.”
“Mine.”
“Give me ten minutes.” She turned and practically ran into the back hallway and up the stairs. Once she got into her room, she had no idea why she’d asked for ten minutes, or any time at all. The longer she delayed this, the worse it would be.
What the hell was wrong with her? She wasn’t afraid of life. Never had been. She’d had the shit kicked out of her by Kevin, had survived that and survived losing a child. She’d survived watching him not be prosecuted for involuntary manslaughter, when he sure as hell should have been.
If she could face all that, she certainly could tell some guy she liked him. Christ. This wasn’t fucking high school. Time to get a grip and act like a fucking adult.
Chapter Nine
Meghan was already waiting for him in his room by the time Phenex went upstairs and walked inside.
“Sorry about avoiding you all week,” she said. “I’ve had a lot of thinking to do.”
“What did you want to talk about?” The rumors flying around the club had included the fact that she was leaving. He’d even heard she found another job already, so he braced himself for that news.
“This is really hard for me. I’m not even sure why. I suppose I’m gun-shy, but even that isn’t an adequate reason for avoiding it this long.”
What? “Can we start at the beginning? I’m lost.”
“Yeah. Sorry.” She took a seat on the sofa, but he stayed perched on the edge of his bed. If he got too close to her, it wouldn’t matter if she really was leaving. He’d still want to fuck her. And if he did that, he’d only make a worse fool of himself than he already had.
“Phenex,” she took a deep breath, “the simple truth is I still have a thing for you. Even after you let me know you weren’t interested in being more than friends with me, I never stopped feeling more for you than friendship. Way more.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand. Under any other circumstance, that gesture would piss him off.
“I know what you’re thinking. I’ll fuck any guy in this building. But that’s just sex. I enjoy it, but it means nothing to me, except with you. When it’s you, it’s … I don’t know. Emotional. Real.”
Holy fuck.
“I’ve just been too afraid to bring it up again because you never did. And now, I’ve let too much time pass. Because why would you want me? Why would anyone want me? I mean for anything other than sex?”
It took him a second or two to process her reasons for never bringing it up again. Once he did, he realized how much they’d each incorrectly assumed about the other. All the times she’d watched him while working flashed through his mind. He’d noticed, but never guessed what it had really meant. That night the four men had come into the club, when she had fucked him even though her stomach hurt, suddenly took on a whole new meaning.
That hadn’t been the first time it happened, either. There had been instances before when she’d given him what he wanted, even though she wasn’t feeling well. And each time, she’d said that being with him had helped ease her pain.
How in the fuck had he not connected the dots for two fucking years? How the fuck could he have been so self-absorbed?
“Please say something.”
The fear and desperation on her beautiful face was too much for him to deal with. Even with the very plausible reason she had for being afraid to give her heart away, she’d never given up on him. He was a fucking asshole not to have noticed it, or brought up the subject himself in all this time. First and foremost, that had to be corrected.
But there were also the rumors to deal with. Those complicated everything. “Are you leaving the club?”
“What?” Her confusion was real.
“Rumor has it you’ve found another job already and are leaving.”
“For fuck’s sake. No. Chloe asked me the same thing. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t have another job.”
Thank you, Jesus. “Meghan, I wish I’d never said those things to you. Margie did a number on me.”
“I know that, but you don’t have to apologize for feeling that way.”
“But it’s not a reason to stay silent this long. I’ve been such a fucking fool. I’ve wanted to be way more than friends with you for so long now, but because you never brought it up, I assumed you no longer felt that way.”
A bittersweet smile graced her beautiful face. “You’re kidding.”
“I wish I was.”
“I thought perhaps it was also because of what happened to your mother. That you found it too hard to get close to anyone because of it.”
“What happened to my mom was horrible, but it has nothing to do with how I feel about you.”
She sat next to him on the bed, and placed her hand over his. “Aren’t we a pair?”
“Yeah. We sure are.”
“Phenex, I never heard the entire story of what happened to your mother. I’m not asking to be morbid. But if you want to tell me, I’m here to listen. It’s the least I can do after you listened to my story about Faith.”
“How much do you know?”
“That your dad killed her when you were seven, and that he’s in prison for another murder. That’s it.”
“He hit her a lot. I was used to it by that time. When I ran out of the room and hid, he’d find me once he was done with her, and hit me until I screamed and cried. That’s why I stayed in the kitchen that night.”
She put a hand to her mouth and tears filled her beautiful green eyes.
“He was more drunk than usual. It’s difficult to tell when looking back. You know how it is. We remember things differently the older we get.”
Her only response was to nod.
“But I think he wasn’t completely aware of how hard he was hitting her that night. I don’t think he was in control.” Phenex ran a hand through his hair. “There was so much blood. The smell choked me. It blinded me with fear and pain. I knew if I tried to help her, or tried to stop him, he’d kill me, too. Don’t ask me how I knew that, but I did. That part I recall vividly.”
Tears ran down her face. “Oh, Phenex. I’m so sorry.”
“When he finally finished, she lay there, bleeding, no longer moving or breathing. And I was in the corner, crying, screaming, pleading. He left, Meghan. My dad. He simply left me there. He didn’t lay one hand on me. He barely looked at me. He walked out of the house and left me there with my dead mother.”
Her gentle touch on his arm sent shivers down his spine.
“I don’t know how long I sat there, begging her to wake up. I don’t even remember calling the police, but I must have done so because they were there. My aunt and uncle didn’t live too far away, and I don’t know who called them, either. I know I didn’t. But then they were there, too, and my aunt, my mother’s sister, took me to their house to stay that night.”
“Where did he go?”
“No clue. The police tore the house apart, searching for something that would tell them where he might have gone, but they found nothing. No credit card activity was noted, although the techniques for searching that are far more advanced now.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yeah, but you know how that feels, don’t you? Kevin got away with killing Faith.”
She nodded.
“It took about a year before my aunt and uncle were finally able to sell the house. And then I went to live with them.”
“I take it you have no siblings?”
“No. Just me. Every day after school I’d come
home and my aunt would have a snack waiting for me in the kitchen, but it took me months before I could eat in there. I would take it into the living room to eat, while I pretended to watch cartoons. I kept trying to wash the blood off the kitchen cabinets. They were white. She told me the stains were gone, but I swear I could still see them.”
Meghan brushed a hand up and down his arm. “I can’t even imagine what you went through.”
“They kept trying to get me to move in with them, but I didn’t want to leave my house. I’d have nightmares every time I slept in their home. Terrible dreams about my mom still being alive in the house, but since I wasn’t there, I couldn’t save her.”
“Did they try to get you help?”
The corners of his mouth lifted. “You mean did they take me to a shrink? No. My family isn’t into anything like that. They did the best they could, even staying at the house with me at night. But eventually they had to sell it. I didn’t understand how expensive it was for them to keep it. Not until I was much older.”
“They must love you a lot to have done that.”
“I was their only nephew. They didn’t have much, but they gave me everything they could.”
“Are they still alive?”
“Yes. We keep in touch. It wasn’t easy raising me. They have three kids of their own. All girls, and they are a few years older than me. At first, they didn’t want their younger cousin to come and live with them because that meant two of them had to share a bedroom.”
“Not very sympathetic.”
“They weren’t told the truth. Not until they were much older. Their parents told them my father took off and my mother fell. They said that’s how she died.”
“Oh wow.”
“Yeah. Like I said, my aunt and uncle did the best they could. I don’t agree with how they handled it, but I was in no position to protest.”
“I take it the funeral was a closed casket?”
“Yeah. Definitely. And they kept the investigating detectives away from the girls so the truth wouldn’t leak out.”
“They were only trying to protect you, then. All of you.”
“Yeah. I realize that now.”
“You never told your cousins the truth when you were younger?”
