The Power of Salvation

by Passarelli, Caterina

  “Can I?” she asks. I nod yes and she embraces me quickly while I keep my arms limp at my sides. This is what I can give and she understands—this is probably the most touching we’ve done, ever. She knows this is a very big deal, but she doesn’t point it out, probably not wanting me to change my mind.

  “What happened out there?” Serena asks as I calm my breathing down while she rubs my back.

  “I started to…” I pause as I catch my breath, replaying the fact I was going to let Luke in, completely forgetting that he is here with another woman. This is not your guy. Don’t share your battles with him.

  “You started to…” Serena pulls back from the hug to study my face. “You started to let him in? Into your life. That’s good Ariana. You’ve been carrying this around by yourself for far too long.”

  I remove myself from her grasp to look in the mirror. I look terrible—the color completely drained from my normally rosy cheeks, my eyes are bloodshot from vomiting, and I think my heart is about to explode from my chest as it’s beating a million miles-per-hour.

  “Serena, he’s here with someone else,” I barely whisper the words out, embarrassed I have to say them. How stupid do I look? I surely feel stupid.

  “That blonde lady? We have no idea what she is to him. I know you don’t want to hear something like this, but maybe she’s just a friend?” Serena tries to give him the benefit of the doubt to ease my anxiety, but it only works a little.

  “Friend or not, he could have asked me if I wanted to come with him.” I want to take my words back as soon as they escape my lips. I’ve never wanted to be that girl.

  “Ariana, you really like him? I can see it on your face and the fact that you’re hiding out in this bathroom confirms it. I’ve never seen you interested in a guy in all the years I’ve known you. Don’t let this blonde chick ruin anything. Talk to him. Let him explain,” Serena says, grabbing a tissue to clean up my smeared mascara. “If he says something idiotic, then we kick his ass and move on.”

  She hands me a bold red color lipstick, forcing me to put it on. I fake a smile in the mirror while she’s still watching. Okay, whatever, it does look good. She’s always right.

  “Let’s go tell blondie to take a hike,” Serena says before looping her arm through mine and guiding me out of the bathroom.

  My eyes scan the room until they land on Luke. He’s standing in a group of people with the blonde lady still by his side—it looks like he’s telling a story. His eyes spot mine. Luke strides away from the group, clearly in the middle of whatever he was saying. The group eyes him as he walks towards me. I look around to give Serena a can you believe this look, but she’s nowhere to be seen. Where the hell did Serena go?

  Luke is now standing right in front of me and I feel like I did in the hospital when he cornered me: small under his giant height. But I force myself to look up to meet his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” he asks with concern written all over his face.

  “Yes, I’m sorry I wasn’t feeling good and I just needed to splash my face with some water.” I look down at my hands, not feeling right about lying.

  “Tell me the truth.”

  “What are you talking about? I wasn’t feeling well, that’s the truth.”

  “Ariana…”

  “Okay, fine. Who is the blonde hanging on your arm?”

  Ouch, why did it have to come out so … jealous?

  “Monica, she’s a woman who helps me out by attending events with me.” He says it in such a monotone way, like it’s no big deal. That’s a bullshit answer.

  I move away from him and grab a martini from the nearest Vulcano girl, taking a swig. Darting my eyes around the room, I spot Serena and start walking over to her. We are going to need to catch a Driver home together. I do not feel like walking in these crazy stilettos.

  “Can you not walk away when I’m trying to talk to you?” Luke asks with a bit of attitude in his voice. And that’s when I lose it.

  “Can you go bother someone else? Like your date? You know the woman who attends events like this with you?” My words come out super fast as I get more worked up. Gone is the panic attack feeling; now I’m just angry. “Can you lose my number while you’re at it? I don’t think this is a good idea. I need to focus on finishing up my residency. I can’t handle whatever this is with you right now. This isn’t good for me.”

  And just like that, I walk away from him in a hurry and he doesn’t chase me. Serena is nowhere to be found so I get into a cab and ride home … alone.

  My roommate stumbles into the apartment a little after midnight with a dark-haired man who I haven’t seen before. They are kissing as she undresses him on the path to her bedroom until she realizes I’m still wide-awake and watching TV in the living room.

  “Ariana!” She squeals out in a drunken banter. “This is … what’s your name, cutie?”

  “Jack,” cutie replies, looking equally drunk and not an ounce bothered that Serena has no idea what his name is.

  “Yeah, this is Jack. Where’s Lukey?” She looks around the apartment, like I’m hiding him somewhere. I’m sitting in the living room in a pair of Wonder Woman pajamas eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream out of the carton. Where does she think I could possibly be hiding a man? And why would I let him see me like this?

  “He’s not here. You guys have a great night,” I say as I nod my head in the direction of her room, letting her know she’s off the hook and doesn’t have to hang with me. She takes the hint and pulls Jack into her room by his tie.

  I fall asleep on the couch and wake up to Serena shaking me yet again. This is becoming a pattern between us.

  “Ariana, calm down, please wake up,” she pleads. I open my eyes and see my friend in my face. “Oh thank god! You were screaming. Bad dream?”

  I sometimes have nightmares about a time in my life I’d like to quickly forget. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one of these; last night’s events may have triggered something.

  It’s always the same nightmare and I always wake up screaming with sweat dripping all over my body even though I’m shaking from feeling so cold. My throat is sore from the screams and I feel my face is wet from tears. I know I should call my therapist, but she’d want me to come in for an appointment and I just don’t have time to schedule anything. I also don’t want to talk about feelings.

  “I’ll make breakfast. You feel like French toast?” Serena asks as she heads to the kitchen, giving me a minute to recoup, which I’m grateful for.

  “What happened to your guy?”

  I join her in the kitchen, taking a seat at our wood table.

  “He left around 2 a.m., I called him a cab after … you know,” she says, winking before cracking some eggs into a bowl. I look at my friend in awe. She’s so relaxed about her life, no one gets on her nerves, she makes friends very easily, and she manages her stress with sex. Again, the opposite of me.

  We girl talk about our lives—her work, my residency, our families, the latest gossip on Facebook—all over a delicious breakfast. My friend can cook! Another thing I’m not that great at. My head is always in my books; where it should be.

  I go to my room to get ready for tonight’s hospital shift and think about how foolish I’ve been lately. Why am I letting a guy control my thoughts? I know better. I need to focus on finishing this residency so I can apply for a job or at least snag some killer references. I can’t screw this up—I just can’t. Luke can take all kinds of women to whatever the fuck events he wants to now because I don’t give a shit anymore.

  Stand your ground Ariana.

  Chapter ten

  Coming out of a hospital room with my scrubs covered in blood—someone else’s, but still—I see Katie walking towards me with a bouquet of lilies. They remind me of my Grandma Betty—she was the only person I’ve ever felt a connection with. She would always have fresh flowers on her kitchen table, she knew just the right comfort food to bake to make you smile, and she had a good listening ear. Gr
andma Betty passed away when I was 12—before my life turned upside down.

  “Those are lovely,” I say as Katie approaches me with a huge grin on her face.

  “Well I’m glad you like them; they’re for you,” she says, handing me the bouquet. “I wish someone was sending me gorgeous flowers like this too. Don’t tell me they are from Hot Mystery Man?” She eyes the little white envelope that will answer her question. I know she’s dying for me to open the card in front of her but not a chance in hell.

  “Thanks Katie!” I say as I dart into the break room. And rip into the card—

  A,

  I need to see you again. We ended things on a bad note + I’d like to explain.

  L

  My heart sinks. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. Shouldn’t cards with beautiful flowers hold romantic words? This one doesn’t even include an apology. No “I’m sorry for being a jackass.” Just he’d “like to explain.” I think he explained himself very well—he wants to date me and other women. That was made clear. I’m not the girl he wants to take to events with him. Also noted.

  I rip the card into a million little pieces and toss it in the trash. I really want to do the same with the flowers but they are just too gorgeous to abandon. I know what I’ll do with them! I jump in the elevator, pressing the button for the ICU floor, and head into the room where one of my trauma patients rests.

  “Hello Ruth,” I greet the 20-year-old perky redhead who is lying in the room hooked up to a few machines. She was in a car accident when another driver blew through a red light and smashed into her car. Ruth has a broken collarbone and blood in her spleen—we are watching the spleen to make sure it heals itself before we can operate on that collarbone. She’s a brave girl though. I haven’t seen her cry once; instead, she’s always got a smile on her face when we enter her room.

  “Stunning flowers!” Ruth says, putting the T.V. remote down in her lap.

  “They’re for you!” I say, putting them on the tray next to her bed, where I see she’s left most of her food. “Girl, you know you need to eat this.”

  Ruth looks at me like I just told her the most obvious thing ever and then makes a face of disgust. “You know that stuff tastes like crap.”

  I bust out laughing. She’s right, I can’t argue with her.

  “Are you hungry? I can see if I can find something else in this place that doesn’t taste so bad. The options are slim but …”

  “That’s okay.” She puts her finger to her mouth to indicate she’s about to tell me a secret: “I have food on the way.”

  I throw my hands up in the air, “You did not just tell me that!” I put my fingers into my ears. “I didn’t hear that. But if you are going to sneak in food, make it good.” I wink and walk out of the room, not before sticking my hands under the hand-sanitizing machine.

  Ruth is one of the few happy people on the ICU floor. This floor can sometimes be sadder than the emergency room; it’s full of doom and gloom. I jump back in the elevator and stroll back to our computer station to get my next round of patients.

  My night continues as normal as working in an E.R. can be until a few hours later I spot the girls huddled together gossiping. Tara spots me and her eyes light up like a freakin’ Christmas tree.

  What the hell are they doing now?

  It’s not until I get closer that I see exactly what they are so excited about … Luke is here. He’s in the waiting room talking to a little boy who has a big bump on his head and a lady, who I’m guessing is the little boy’s mom or babysitter. Luke is crouching down eye level with the boy and they both start laughing.

  So cute. Damn it heart, don’t be a traitor!

  Luke spots me as I walk into the waiting room and stands up tall, towering over everyone else.

  “It was nice to meet you, Max. I hope you feel better real soon,” Luke says towards the little boy, and then he sticks his hand out and Max gives him a high-five.

  “Mommy, he’s funny,” I hear Max chuckle as Luke and I walk away from the waiting room towards an empty corner around the hallway. I stop abruptly and Luke bumps into my back—if this could get any more awkward I think it just did.

  “What are you doing here?” I grill him with attitude.

  “Did you get my flowers?”

  “Yes, I gave them away, right after I ripped up your card. You shouldn’t be here. You can’t keep showing up where I work. People are going to get the wrong idea,” I plead. I cannot let anything get in the way of this residency ending smoothly. Better than smoothly, it needs to end with me getting hired as a permanent doctor.

  “When you didn’t answer my phone calls or text messages, I decided face-to-face was how to go about this,” Luke says matter-of-factly.

  “Go about … what? This,” I say waving my hands in between us, “is nothing that needs to be discussed further. We can just end this. We need to.”

  “That’s bullshit. You don’t want that,” he says with such confidence that even I believe him for a brief moment. I know I don’t want to never speak to him again, but I also know I have to keep my eye on the prize—my career—and not let whatever I was feeling at the charity event consume my life.

  Jealously, embarrassment, longing, need.

  “Please just go,” I say as I try to break free and round the corner, but Luke stands in front of me, blocking my path to escape. He looks me in the eyes silently, letting me know something is about to happen.

  And then … he shuffles towards me, backing me up against the wall before pressing hot, open-mouthed kisses onto my mouth. Both of his hands are on the wall framing my head, and I close my eyes and give in. This is nothing like the soft and patient kiss in the Willis Tower—this is urgent and demanding. He thrusts his seductive tongue into my mouth and I let out a moan, reaching my hands up to grip his shirt to pull him closer to me.

  My body is definitely betraying me as electricity sparks through me.

  “Well, well, well, what do we have here?”

  The sound of Ben coming towards us brings me back to reality, and I push Luke away, wiping my hand across my lips as if rubbing off the kiss … or rubbing it in?

  “Should residents be standing in the middle of the hallway making out with their boyfriends? I don’t think so,” Ben utters in his usual demeaning tone, reminding me of my place.

  “I, uh, we aren’t in the middle of the hallway,” is the only thing I can spit out at him. He raises his eyebrows at me as if I shouldn’t even have said that much.

  “Hello, I’m Luke Vulcano, it’s nice to meet you.” Luke reaches his hand out towards Ben. I see a quick flash of shock cross his normally smug face and then a smile takes its place.

  “Mr. Vulcano, it’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard a great deal about you. My cousin works in television marketing and she’s always going on and on about you and your company’s ads. I’m Ben Carter,” he says as he returns the handshake.

  What the hell is this about?

  “If your cousin would like to set up an interview, have her call my office and ask to speak to my secretary, Tracy. Let her know you are Ariana’s friend,” Luke says, putting a little emphasis on the word friend. What is he doing?

  Trying to save your ass from whatever Ben could possibly do to ruin your reputation at this hospital in a matter of seconds.

  “Wow, thank you so much. I’ll tell her right away. She’s going to be thrilled. I’ll leave you two alone.” Ben nods at us and walks away with a little extra pep in his douchebag step. This leaves Luke and I alone again, huddled close in the corner of the otherwise empty corridor.

  “Thank you for that. But you know I wouldn’t need your help if you weren’t here making things difficult for me in the first place,” I explain. “I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch, but this residency is the most important thing I have in my life.”

  It’s the truth. Outside of the residency and the charity, I don’t have anything else. Yes, I have a few friends, Drake and Ser
ena, but even with them I only let them in to a point, keeping my private thoughts just that, private. I don’t even speak to my family anymore. This is it.

  “I understand being passionate about your career. Trust me, I’m one of the few people who gets it and I admire that about you. I don’t want to stand in the way of that,” he says as he inches closer yet again, “but what would a few more dinners hurt? You have to eat, right?”

  I laugh. “Yes, I have to eat but that doesn’t mean I have to eat with you. I’m perfectly fine eating dinner alone.”

  Even saying that sounds terribly sad.

  “Come on, that’s ridiculous. Why eat alone when you’ve got this devastatingly handsome guy begging to take you out and buy you dinner?”

  Is he joking with me? Mr. Serious? I bust out laughing!

  “Okay but one question,” I say, “will you also be having dinners with other women at the same time?” I feel a sense of embarrassment that I even feel the need to ask it, but I really want to know what’s going on between us. Not that I’ll be dating other men, I still think it’s respectful to know what’s going on.

  “No, no other women, just you. It was stupid of me to take Monica to that event after our lovely date. I should have asked you to join me. It was already set up that Monica would be attending and I didn’t even think about changing it.”

  “Fine,” I say, moving around him to head back to the nurses station. “And I never said you were devastatingly handsome!” I shout back towards him as I leave him standing alone in the corridor. That’s when I hear him laughing behind me.

  Chapter eleven

  Luke

  13 years old

  Mom doesn’t leave the house much anymore; her face is always covered in bruises that are too hard for her to cover with makeup. I called the police the last time my dad came home in a drunken rage and beat her up. They came to the house, I told them what happened, and then my parents told them I made the whole thing up. It hurt that my mom called me a liar. Really hurt.