Because of You

by Sam Mariano

  Derek smiled, taking a seat beside me on the bed.

  When I think of this night, I only allow myself to think past that moment as a blur. A big, drunken blur. I do remember much of it, but don’t relish admitting that.

  I remember that although I'm not sure how or when I got off the bed, I did. For some reason I had the overwhelming desire to dance, to let loose, and I did, even though there was no music. My dancing was only for him, and I know I ended up in his lap, because I remember sitting there, taking out his pony tail, telling him that his hair was sexy as I ran my fingers through his golden locks.

  The only thing I admitted to remembering was waking up in the middle of the night, completely naked in the bed, and realizing I sure as hell wasn't alone. I rolled over to look in horror at Derek, who was lying there awake, his head propped up on his elbow.

  "Oh no," I said.

  A smile slowly spread across his face and his blue eyes twinkled. "Oh yes," he countered.

  "Oh no," I groaned, hiding my face in my hands.

  "Oh yes," he mocked, lazily reaching a hand over to give me a little caress.

  I smacked his hand away immediately. "Don't touch me."

  He shrugged, withdrawing his hand. "Too late," he replied simply.

  "There's some other explanation for us lying here... naked... together, and I just had a crazy dream, right?"

  "Nope. Pretty much the only reason is that we had sex," he replied.

  "We don’t even like each other," I said miserably, closing my eyes. "Why?"

  "Well, I brought you up here and you started dancing provocatively and sitting in my lap, then you did a little striptease for me—"

  "I did not!" I cried, the alcohol haze blocking that from my memory.

  "Oh, if you don't believe me, I have proof," he said, his smile worryingly cocky.

  I swallowed, a feeling of unease settling in my stomach as I imagined a hickey or some other form of reminder of that night. "What do you mean, you have proof?"

  His smile widened. "Well, Nikki, I taped you."

  "You taped me?" I repeated in disbelief, my brow furrowing.

  "Yeah. I even asked if I could first just to be a gentleman. Actually, you were pretty into it. You're definitely a freak in the sheets," he said, reaching over and tracing a line down my chest, my stomach, lower until I grabbed his hand and glared at him.

  "Don't even think about it," I stated, his comment angering me even more.

  "Now, now, now, is that any way to talk to the guy who has a very inappropriate video of you? I mean, if I wanted to, I could share this video with everyone."

  "I don't believe you," I told him. "I want to see it."

  "Do I look that stupid?" he asked.

  "Yes," I replied without hesitation.

  That caused him to chuckle. "Well, I guess looks can be deceiving.”

  I realized then that I didn't have to put up with him, that he was in Stephanie's house and I could kick him out. "You know what, I don't need this; get out of my bed and get out my room."

  "Not until we've decided when we'll do this again."

  "Oh, right," I said brightly. "Try never."

  "Not what you were saying last night," he stated.

  “I had drunk-goggles on last night; I probably would have hooked up with a couch if it asked nicely. Regardless, this was a mistake, and it isn’t going to happen again.”

  "Wrong," he replied, as if it was his decision.

  I scowled at him. “Why would you even want to? You hate me!" I reminded him.

  "That may be so," he agreed, "but you're still damn good in bed. I wouldn't believe this was your first time if I wouldn't have seen the evidence myself."

  “Ugh,” I covered my face with my hands for a moment. “No. You're with Kayla," I stated, ignoring the rest of his comment.

  "I've gone out with her a couple times, we’re not married. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I don't care what or who you're doing in the meantime, just like you don't get to care what or who I'm doing in my spare time. This isn’t a relationship. We don't care about each other, we don't even like each other—"

  "Damn right," I said, cutting off his insulting speech, "and you've got me mistaken if you think I'm ever doing this with you again."

  "Okay," he said, rolling off the bed.

  Immediately suspicious that he let it go that easily, I covered myself with the blanket and sat down. "You... don't care?" I asked.

  "No," he said, picking his boxers up off the floor. "If you want everyone to see exactly what you did last night, that's no problem. You never know, you might have a future in the porn career, this can get you going. I mean, yeah, it's going to give you one hell of a reputation, but I guess that doesn't concern you." He paused thoughtfully as he pulled on his jeans. "I think I do have some footage of you giving me head, too. Won't that be nice? Every time somebody looks at you they'll imagine you with my dick in your mouth."

  I felt my stomach sink, and I realized he probably did hate me enough to do exactly what he was threatening. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say anything. He pulled his shirt on and was headed toward the door before I finally said, "Derek, wait."

  He paused, glancing back at me over his shoulder. "Yes?"

  "You aren't really going to do that, are you?"

  "Oh, I will, Nikki. Don't doubt that."

  "You can't," I said frantically. "Don't just think about hurting me, Derek, think of all the other people you'll hurt."

  He turned toward me, his eyes narrowing as he sneered. "Aw, imagine, a Harmon girl thinking about how her actions might hurt someone else."

  I had to ignore that subtle insult to my mother, because I had to appeal to his humanity. "Think of Kayla."

  "Don't care," he said.

  "And I…I have a boyfriend, he will be devastated and humiliated beyond belief if you do that."

  "I care even less about that," he said, turning back around and placing his hand on the door knob. "See you Monday at school."

  I jumped out of the bed, dragging the blanket with me and made a desperate grab at his shoulder. "Derek, come on. If you have any decency in you at all, will you please... compromise with me or something."

  "Nikki, the whole point of having the Trump card is so that you don't have to compromise. I told you my terms, if you’re not cool with it, that's okay; it'll probably be more entertaining to ruin your reputation anyway."

  I briefly remembered how I felt back in the trailer park when I had my undeserved bad reputation, and the thought of how much worse it would be in high school made me shudder, imagining the comments people would call out to me, the fact that Stephanie would probably stop talking to me, the look of devastation on Andy's face when he found out.

  I swallowed. "What, specifically, are you asking me for? If I... have sex with you again, will you give me the tape or whatever it is you claim to have?"

  "No, I'll be keeping the recording."

  I scowled at him. "You can't do that! How do I know that you won't just show the tape to everyone after you sleep with me?"

  "As long as we're sleeping together, you'll just have to take my word for it."

  I shook my head. "No way. For all I know—If you're just going to keep the video, you could make me sell myself to you for the rest of my life."

  "Don't flatter yourself," he said dismissively. "I'm sure I'll get tired of you within the month, and once I'm done with you I will let you destroy the evidence, that way I can't show anybody."

  I could still do nothing but shake my head, completely disbelieving that this could be happening to me, that even Derek could be so cruel. "This is blackmail, you know," I informed him.

  "I suppose it is," he said with a nod.

  “That's illegal," I added. “Plus I’m a minor; even with my permission, you’re not allowed to make a pornographic video of me. Everything you’re doing right now is highly illegal.”

  "So is smoking weed, but I still do that from time to time."

  I couldn't k
eep from wrinkling my nose up in disgust and muttering, "I guess the rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

  This comment seemed to shorten his patience, and he said, "I have better places to be right now, Nikki. Do you accept my terms or not?"

  My mind raced, trying to think of some other way, of some other offer I might be able to give him, but my mind drew a blank. "I…what is it you want, exactly? Just a little sex slave, available at your beck and call?" I asked disdainfully.

  Derek pretended to think for a moment, then he said, "Sounds good to me."

  "You are despicable," I spat.

  He shrugged, seemingly unconcerned with my opinion of him. "Maybe, but I'm not the one who cheated on my oh-so-devoted boyfriend with my worst enemy tonight."

  My shoulders slumped and I realized with a sinking heart that he was right. He was disgusting and cruel, but I wasn't much better.

  Poor Andy.

  Without realizing it, I said aloud, "I am such a whore."

  "Yeah," he drawled, nodding his head at me. "But hey, at least now we know it is hereditary."

  My eyes narrowed, my blood simmered and I went to lunge at him, planning to give him a few scratches to explain to Kayla, but he already guessed my intentions so he quickly slipped out the door and held onto the door knob so I couldn't even twist it open. I growled angrily and released the knob, turning away from the door and looking at the disheveled bed.

  My shoulders slumped again, and I thought about what had happened in that bed. Bits and pieces kept floating into my mind, images of him above me, his hair falling down into my face, me smiling as I tangled my hands into it and pulled, causing him to growl and thrust harder.

  "Oh God," I muttered, sinking down onto the floor and hiding my face in my hands. "I'm never drinking again."

  Chapter Two-

  Since I couldn't possibly go back to sleep after that awful scene, I got up and started washing the bedding while everyone else was asleep.

  I had everything clean and the bed made before anyone saw that I was still there, so I quietly left the house and walked myself home.

  I honestly think what concerned me more than knowing I got drunk and had sex with someone I didn't care about, was that I couldn't figure out why. Sex itself had never been that big of a deal to me; it was the emotions that went along with it that scared me. But Derek? It would have been different if I would've just slept with some stranger, then I would've just thought I was a slutty drunk, and I might have felt the normal regret, but not the gnawing feeling that seemed to be eating away at my insides.

  Why had I slept with Derek Noble of all people? I hated him, and he hated me even more, so why would he be the person I would decide to jump into bed with? Sure, maybe in a shallow kind of way he might be slightly attractive, but he was mean and a loser as far as I was concerned, and he reminded me of his stupid father.

  Granted, I had never actually met his father, but the way my mother wrote about him was making me think of Derek more and more lately.

  Although, honestly, I don't think even Mike would have stooped to blackmail.

  I wanted to be so hard on Derek, to despise him for his senseless, perverted cruelty, but for some reason the image of the little boy in the grocery store kept floating back into my mind.

  Did he remember his mother the way I remembered mine? Had they been as close as my mother and I were? Did he have memories like mine, of sitting on the back porch watching the birds, or doing household chores and dancing around the house? Was his mother happy, since she had gotten what she wanted out of life? I was sure she didn't cry herself to sleep each night, but in reality, I knew nothing of his mother except what my mother wrote, which was bound to be unflattering since my mother obviously hated her enough to kill her.

  When I finally got home the sun had risen. I was mildly surprised to see Alex sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hand, looking right at me as I walked in.

  For a split second my heart missed a beat, and I wondered in a state of confusion if he had actually waited up for me. He had never done anything like that before, but then I had also never stayed out all night, I just assumed he wouldn't care. But I knew he didn't have to work until four, so why else would he be sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hand?

  And then I thought of the picture I must present, my reddish brown curls all frizzy from Derek's hands roaming through them, my cheeks somehow still flushed, my eyeliner probably smeared under my green eyes. Even my clothes were probably all wrinkled from being balled up on the floor wherever Derek had tossed them, and to top it all off, I probably still smelled of alcohol.

  However, Alex ruined the illusion of a caring father by raising one black eyebrow and saying, "Are you just getting home?"

  That was when I saw a pretty girl with long glossy brown hair walk out of the bathroom and into the living room, wearing only his T-shirt. It wasn't his girlfriend, so I didn't feel I should concern myself with learning her name.

  I looked her over from her pretty face to her toned legs and purple sparkled toenails and decided she might be 21, but maybe not even that.

  "Typical," I muttered, closing the front door behind me. I glanced over at Alex as I started my journey to my room and said, "Probably a nine."

  I saw him crack a smile before I closed my door.

  We didn't communicate very much, and it had been awkward at first when I would wake up to see strange, half-naked women parading through my house, so I established a little game to make it less awkward. I knew Alex was promiscuous, my mother had documented that particular fact quite well, and although he didn't know I got the game from her, she had been the one to make it up. Instead of being offended when Alex would flirt with, check out or make out with other girls, she would grade them on a scale of one to ten. She would describe the girl in the journal and write whatever her grade was. It was her private way of mocking him, and it was mine too, although I actually shared the grade with him, and sometimes he would actually disagree and argue his case.

  Stephanie ended up calling me a little later, and she asked me what had happened, why I hadn't stayed the night like I had been planning.

  Part of me wanted to confide in her, but since Derek was involved with her best friend, I kept it to myself. "Oh, I decided just to go home. I’d had a little too much to drink and my dad called, so I told him he could just come get me."

  "Oh, really? I wondered. One minute you were sitting on the couch doing shots with Derek, of all people, and the next time I turned around I couldn't find you."

  "It was him I was doing shots with?" I asked before I could stop myself.

  "Oh yeah. The drunker you got, the more it amused him. He even spoke to me last night, he was in such a pleasant mood. He comes over and he's like," she adopted a deeper voice, "'Nikki's drunk as fuck over here,' and then he laughed."

  Even though I hated him, I felt a pang of regret that I had missed out on that. I had never actually seen Derek in a good mood before, and I thought it might be kind of like seeing a unicorn.

  "But Kayla threw me, too, she said she thought she saw you and Derek go upstairs together." Stephanie laughed at the absurdity of the idea. "Can you even imagine?"

  I managed to laugh, but I don't know how convincing I was. "Yeah, like that would happen," I agreed half-heartedly.

  Since I had to work that day, I used that as an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I felt bad, but I really didn't want to think about that party.

  As I was donning my Wendy's hat I heard Alex tap on my door, so I opened it up. "Yes?"

  "Here," he said, handing me a box of condoms.

  I blushed and shook my head. "Um, I don't really..."

  "Take them. Just please don't come home pregnant; I'd hate to have to push my own daughter down a flight of stairs."

  I rolled my eyes but took the box of condoms anyway. "That's a terrible joke," I informed him.

  I swear I heard him mutter, "Who's joking?" as he walked
away, but he had just brought something to my attention.

  I sure hoped Derek had had the common sense to put on a condom, because aside from the horrible possibility of spawning his children, he could be all gross and diseased.

  Unfortunately, there was no way I could address the condom concern, because of course I didn't have his phone number, I wasn't welcome to pop up at his house, and I wouldn't be seeing him until Monday at school.

  Andy called me that night and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie, and I had been planning on saying no, not wanting to experience all the guilt I was sure to feel, but somehow I ended up saying yes.

  I was relieved when his mother sat down to watch the movie with us, because my guilt didn't seem to bother me when we were just near each other, I was only bothered when he would try to be affectionate. I don't know if it was the guilt or what, but it literally made me shudder. Since I didn't want him to witness me shuddering over his touch, I decided to avoid his affection altogether.

  Andy wanted me to stay and come upstairs after the movie, but I told him I was tired and I really just wanted to go to sleep. He took me home, but asked me if I would come to church with him the next morning. I told him I couldn't, because I had to take Alex and drop him off at work so I could use his car to take myself to work, which wasn't true, but I really did do it often enough that it sounded true. Truthfully, I just knew I couldn't possibly sit in a church with Andy after what I had done with Derek the night before.

  As I walked to school Monday morning, I thought about what was going to happen when I saw Derek. Would he treat me differently? Would people notice? Had he lied to me, and really he had already shared the video with anyone who wanted to see it? Did he really even have a video, or was he just manipulating me? Part of me wanted to call his bluff, but just in case he wasn't bluffing, I wasn't willing to gamble like that. I would find out if there was a video one way or another, but I had to play it safe.