Because of You

by Sam Mariano

  Then, I got an idea.

  "I think I have an offer," I said slowly, trying to decide if it was worth it.

  "An offer? I'm the one making the rules, Nikki," he stated.

  "I know, I know, just hear me out, okay?" I responded, rolling my eyes. He stayed quiet, so I assumed he was listening. "I will break up with Andy –my own way—and not see anybody else on one condition."

  "What condition is that?" he asked.

  "That you provide the same courtesy for me. No more Kayla, no other girls at all. Now, before you say no," I went on, not even giving him the chance to answer, "I want to tell you something. You're probably going to think I'm crazy, maybe I am, but still, is it really worth the risk? What if I'm right?"

  "Right about what?" he asked.

  I sighed, warning him again, "This is going to sound crazy, but I had a dream about you other night."

  "Really?" he asked, sounding a little too interested.

  "Not that kind of dream," I replied, rolling my eyes. "At the time, I just thought the dream was really jumbled, just a blend of my mother's life and my life with really bright shoe laces, but now I'm wondering if it was something more. Derek, I dreamed several nights ago, before you even had yellow shoe laces, you were apologizing to me, telling me you didn't mean to do it, but you got Kayla pregnant. You were wearing bright yellow shoe laces, Derek. How common are bright yellow shoe laces? And before you say that I'm crazy, I feel the need to tell you that my mother had the same kind of instinct with your father, but she didn't listen to it. There was no reason for her to think that, but she did in September, and again in October, but she ignored both warnings, and you were conceived in November. If she would have said something, maybe he would have thought twice, but she didn't. I'm not keeping my mouth shut. If you get someone knocked up, it's going to be on your conscience, not mine."

  He let me finish my big ramble, then said simply, "Okay."

  I frowned. "What?"

  "I do think you're crazy, but I agree to your terms. No more Andy, no more Kayla. Just you and me."

  Just like that? That was too easy.

  "I'm serious," I added, thinking maybe he didn't understand.

  "I gathered as much, 'cause it wouldn't make a very funny joke."

  "Then... just like that, no argument, no complaints, you'll just break up with your girlfriend?"

  "I really don't like her very much anyway, so it's a pretty small sacrifice." Barely missing a beat, he went on to ask, "What are you doing tonight? Is your dad home?"

  I rolled my eyes, thinking he was such a guy. "Derek, do you have nothing else to say about that big long speech?"

  "I already told you I think you're crazy, what else do you want me to say?"

  "I don't know. That you'll get new shoe laces?" I offered, not really knowing what else I wanted him to say.

  He chuckled. "Fine, I'll get new shoe laces."

  I couldn't believe how easy that was, but I decided not to argue, and for some reason, I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I told myself it had absolutely nothing to do with knowing he wouldn't be snuggling with Kayla anymore, that it was simply—

  Oh, right.

  "I have one more term," I stated.

  "What's that?" he asked.

  "You have to cuddle with me afterwards, you can never treat me like that again. If you do, I will simply kill you in your sleep and not have to worry about you sharing the tape with anyone."

  "Well, with options like that..."

  "Yeah, cuddling doesn't sound so bad, huh?" I replied cheerfully.

  "Well, I ask again, what are you doing tonight?"

  "Working."

  "And after that?"

  "Homework," I replied.

  "Need help?"

  "Nope," I said, smiling.

  "Come on, Nikki," he said.

  "No. Take a shower, scrub off all the yucky Kayla germs, but as I'm sure you were just kissing on her today, your lips –and other body parts—are coming nowhere near mine until I feel confident that they're cootie-free."

  "I thought I was making the rules," he complained.

  "Well, if you wouldn't have been kissing Kayla today I might not be doing homework tonight, but you did and I am, and as long as we're doing this whole faithful thing, you're going to have to be okay with that. If you saw me sucking face with Andy, would you really want me to come kiss you right after I was done?"

  "You didn't see me kissing Kayla, you're just guessing," he argued.

  "Be that as it may, I'm doing homework tonight. Do you work tomorrow?"

  "No," he said.

  "Maybe tomorrow then," I said. "If you scrub really thoroughly tonight."

  "Right back at you," he responded.

  After that we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone. As I went to do my homework, I felt better than I had recently, and the world didn't seem like such a bad place.

  Unfortunately, before I could rendezvous with Derek again, I had to go through the uncomfortable part: breaking up with Andy.

  I didn't know what to say. Technically, I didn't have a reason to give him. Sure, I could tell him I had been cheating on him with Derek, who was blackmailing me and threatening to show our sex tape to the world, but I somehow didn't think that would be the most painless way.

  I didn't want to hurt him more than I was already going to. Maybe I didn't love him, but I still cared about him as a friend, and I knew he cared about me.

  I decided to wait until after school to do it, but Derek was pretty impatient, which surprised me.

  The very first thing he asked me when I walked into class and found him sitting on my desk was, "Did you do it yet?"

  "Do what?" I asked at first.

  "Did you break up with him?"

  He looked anxious, more invested in my break up than I expected him to be.

  I sighed, putting my books on the desktop. "No, not yet."

  "Why not?" he asked.

  "Did you break up with Kayla yet?" I returned.

  "Yeah," he replied easily.

  "Oh." I frowned, not expecting to hear that. "Well, I just haven't yet. I don't want to hurt him and humiliate him, Derek. I'm not doing it in school."

  He rolled his eyes, but before he returned to his desk, he said, "Don't kiss him."

  I frowned at Derek's back, confused at his sudden concern over who I was and was not kissing.

  When lunch rolled around, of course Andy expected me to sit with him, so I did.

  Derek came over and paid me a visit, which I thought was suspicious. So did Andy when Derek placed a hand on my shoulder as he said hello. I shot him a warning glance, but he just smirked at me, eyes twinkling, and walked away.

  "What was that?" Andy asked, frowning.

  I shrugged, acting like I didn't know either. "Just being Derek, I guess."

  Andy looked at me funny, but he didn't want to find out anything was up, so he let it go.

  Since I had told Andy I needed to talk to him after school, I waited for him to meet up with me on the stone bench outside the school.

  I saw Derek's car pull up, impatiently waiting for me to break it off with Andy so he could give me a ride home. I scowled at his car and shooed him away, but he merely revved his engine, drove around in a circle and parked in a spot where he could still see me, sitting there like my watchdog.

  He was acting so strange, I thought, but shrugged it off.

  Finally, Andy made it outside. When he saw me, he smiled, making me feel absolutely wretched.

  "Hi," he greeted, coming over to give me a kiss.

  I sort of turned my head, and he caught my cheek. He frowned a little, but just asked me if I wanted a ride home.

  "Um... no," I replied, not bothering to tell him Derek was already waiting to give me a ride home.

  He sat down next to me, putting his books in his lap. "Okay."

  I didn't want to start the conversation, I wanted to stall, talk about the weather or something stupid, but I h
ad to hurry up and get it over with before Derek drove off and left me there.

  "Okay, Andy, I wanted to talk to you about something."

  He nodded. "So you said." Then he paused, and said, "About what?"

  I sighed, not meaning to, but blurting, "I don't deserve you."

  "Yes you do," he returned automatically.

  "No, I really don't," I said, shaking my head. "You deserve someone so much better than me. There is... so much you don't know about me, things you wouldn't like, things that I keep from you because I know you wouldn't like them."

  "Nicole, I don't care—"

  "No, let me finish. This is so hard for me to say, so please let me get it out. I'm... terrified of love. I want nothing to do with it. I saw how love destroyed my mother, and because of her I've tried to make safe choices, and I have... but I screwed up. I made a mistake, and as mistakes sometimes do, my mistake seems to have taken on a life of its own..."

  "Everybody makes mistakes," he said, not quite looking at me. "Whatever you've done... we can work through it."

  "Oh, please stop being so damn understanding," I said, my conscience attacking me.

  “I can't help it," he snapped. "When you love someone, you're willing to overlook certain things."

  "But you shouldn’t be! That's why love's bad!" I told him.

  "No, that's why love's amazing. You wouldn't know anything about that, though, now would you? Have you ever loved anyone, Nicole? How can you judge so harshly a feeling you've never experienced for yourself?"

  "I never want to experience it," I stated, standing up.

  He made me feel terribly inadequate when he said that, and it made me mad. He made it sound like such a bad thing that I refused to love, like I made a hobby of kicking puppies or something. I had loved my mother, didn't that count? And maybe I had never loved someone the way she did, but I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to. To me, it seemed like a pretty terrible experience. It was love that drove my mother to kill herself and someone else, and any emotion that strong, that powerful... it wasn't a feeling I wanted to mess with.

  He just didn't understand that because he was so sheltered, just a nice boy who had never encountered the terrible kind of love that my mother had the misfortune to come across. He may not know what it was about, but I did.

  "I'm sorry," I said, looking down at him.

  He shook his head, looking irritated with me. "You haven't given me a reason. I know there can't be someone else, because if you were leaving me for someone else you would have to love him, and you're too afraid of love to do that."

  This caused me to frown. "I would not have to love him," I said without thought.

  For someone who "knew it couldn't be someone else," he looked like I had just proven him right. "It is someone else," he stated.

  I faltered. "I—No, I didn't say that."

  "Who is he?" he asked.

  "No, that's not what I said."

  But he wasn't listening. "Who is it? Who's convinced you to do this?"

  "No," I said, shaking my head again.

  "Yes, someone did, I can tell by your reaction. Who is it?" he demanded.

  He was making me incredibly nervous, and I didn't have any idea what was going to come flying out of my mouth next, so I kept it shut, just shaking my head.

  "He's lying to you," Andy said, his eyes strangely bright. "Whatever he told you to convince you to do this... Don't you see, he's more of a threat than I am? I would never hurt you, Nicole. He will. Who is it? Who's trying to take you away from me?"

  "Stop it!" I said.

  "He's going to take advantage of you," Andy promised me. "He's going to hurt you, just like Mike hurt your mother."

  "No he isn't," I blurted, then my eyes widened as I realized I’d just admitted there was someone else.

  Andy nodded, his expression solemn. "I knew it. I knew there was someone else. I've been suspecting; I'm not stupid, but I was hoping you'd get over it."

  "I have to go," I said quickly.

  "Nikki, please think about this."

  "Don't call me that!"

  "He's using you, Nicole. Don't you see that? He knows I won't let him hurt you, that's why he's taking you away from me!"

  I couldn't listen to another word, so I just shook my head, called one last, "I'm sorry," and quickly made my way toward Derek's car, not even caring at that point if Andy saw me get in.

  As I slid into the passenger seat of Derek's car, still feeling rattled, I told him, "That was absolutely awful."

  "I told you not to let him kiss you," Derek said with what appeared to be a mock pout.

  "I turned my head," I stated.

  "I'm still wounded. You should make it up to me."

  "You don't look wounded," I stated dryly.

  He turned the puppy dog pout on again.

  "Don't do that," I said, melting a little even though I knew I didn't really wound him.

  "Do what?" he asked, still looking wounded.

  "Oh, my God, you with your damn puppy dog eyes," I said, leaning over to give him a peck.

  But once I was over there, he grabbed me and deepened the kiss, sliding his hand right up my shirt.

  "Not here," I said, chuckling against his lips, tugging my shirt back down.

  "Aw, why not?" he replied, making the pout again.

  I pulled back, shaking my head. "Pout all you want, that is not happening here, not right now."

  He sighed. "Fine, let's get you home then."

  I smiled and rolled my eyes, sitting back in my seat, but when I did, I gasped, my eyes widening, as I saw Andy standing right in front of the car, looking in at us.

  Derek scowled at him, muttering, "That kid needs to get a life."

  It was kind of spooky, just seeing him pop up like that. How much had he seen? Probably just seeing me in Derek's car was enough to convince him that Derek was "the other man."

  I felt terrible for breaking up with Andy, but what else could I do? I couldn't keep dating him and sleeping with Derek behind his back. In the long run, that would hurt him more, not less.

  But I honestly didn't think about it for very long, because I knew Derek was going to take me back to my house and make me forget all about Andy....

  Chapter Seven-

  Derek and I went back to my house, and I had to be honest; I was kind of looking forward to being with Derek again. I loved the way he did what he did, and I missed having my hair pulled so skillfully.

  When we got to the trailer we were already making out, and he had me walking backwards into the house as he unbuttoned my shirt.

  Needless to say we were both caught by complete surprise when we suddenly heard, "What the hell?"

  My eyes widened and I broke away from Derek, grabbing my shirt to close it up and turning to face Alex.

  "What are you doing here?" I asked, flushed.

  "It's my damn house," he replied, torn between smiling and blustering. "What is he doing here?" Quickly throwing up a hand, he rethought his question. "No, I know what he's doing, but why is he doing it? No, wait," Alex said, realizing that wasn't what he meant to say either. Finally he settled with, "Shit," as he passed his hand tiredly over his face.

  "I thought you were at Miranda's," I said.

  "We broke up," he said, shaking his head, trying to figure out what to do in that uncomfortable situation. First he pointed at Derek, "Okay, you—leave." Then he pointed at me. "You—sit."

  I shrugged apologetically at Derek and offered a little wave. He nodded at me and slipped out the door, probably glad to be avoiding the parental bluster.

  Alex stood there for a moment, looking at the wall behind me as I buttoned my shirt back up. Finally, he sighed, looking down at me.

  I offered a weak smile, not knowing what else to do.

  "Probably a nine," he stated, breaking the ice.

  I bit my lip, but smiled anyway.

  He shook his head, sitting down next to me. "Okay, so... I gave you the condoms. I don't really kno
w how to have this talk with a girl, not my daughter anyway, so... Be safe. And don't ever let me see anything like that again," he said, shaking his head.

  I grimaced a little. "Well, I didn't think you were home."

  "My car is in the driveway," he stated.

  "I was preoccupied," I said, blushing.

  That time, he was the one to grimace. "Wow, we're doing this now? Wasn't I just buying you an ice cream cone and flipping your pigtails yesterday?"

  I had to smile, as that was the first fatherly type of thing Alex had ever said to me. "No, that was last week."

  He smiled at me, shaking his head. "I have one last rule," he stated.

  "What's that?" I asked.

  "Don't ever bring home anyone like me."

  That caused me to laugh, and I shook my head. "Don't worry, I won't."

  He gave me a sardonic smile and shook his head, standing up. "Go... do your homework or call your boyfriend or something."

  "Can I invite him over?" I asked hopefully.

  "Absolutely not."

  I frowned, pouting a little, but went to my room anyway, deciding not to push my luck.

  "So, did you get in trouble?" Derek asked me later on the phone.

  "No, he just told me not to bring home anyone like him. It just freaked him out a little. I guess it would freak me out too if my daughter walked in making out with some guy I had never seen before."

  "Especially if he was undressing her," Derek added.

  "Oh, especially then," I agreed.

  "I guess I made a really good first impression then, huh?"

  "Oh yeah," I replied. "He's definitely going to be inviting you hunting any day now."

  "Am I what we're hunting?" he asked.

  "No, he isn't that protective," I told him. "I was actually a little surprised he said anything at all. Alex has never been very excited about inheriting a daughter."

  "Is that why you don't call him dad?" he asked me.

  I nodded, flopping down on my bed. "Yeah. I guess it just seems... odd."

  "Well, look on the bright side, at least he didn't walk in on us."

  "Yeah, that's something, I guess."

  "Hey, my dad needs to use the phone. Want me to call you back on my cell?"