Because of You

by Sam Mariano

  I swear she had to do it on purpose, because Kayla walked up into line right behind me. I glanced around and saw that Derek was sitting with his friends. I didn't know if Kayla would sit with him or with Steph, but then I reminded myself I didn't care.

  I wasn't sure why Kayla liked to torture me, but she did, because the whole time she stood behind me she did nothing but whine and complain about how she couldn't eat anything heavy, because her pregnancy had her stomach so upset.

  I really wanted to turn around and scratch her eyes out, but I managed to act like I was ignoring her.

  I honestly would have been fine, but then she feigned ignorance to whatever person she was standing with, and she whispered loudly, "Oh, I feel just awful now. That girl in front of me, that's the girl that liked Derek, but he ditched her for me. And here I am, going on about our baby. I hope she didn't hear me."

  I spun around, unable to stop myself, and demanded, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

  The lunch lady looked up, startled, and the people in front of me turned to look at me.

  Kayla's eyes were dancing with all her evil, but she attempted to look innocent. "I'm sorry, Nikki, I didn't realize you were standing there."

  "My ass," I tossed back. "What is your problem? I have never done a damn thing to you, and you seem to have some kind of personal vendetta against me. Why? Why is it that you hate me so much?"

  If she had a reason, she sure wasn’t sharing it.

  "You know what, I don't even care," I said, stepping out of line and leaving the cafeteria, not hungry enough to deal with her shit.

  I realized when Andy called me after school that I was going to have to deal with him. He seemed to be under the impression that since things didn't work out with Derek I would be his again by default.

  Why he would even still want me was beyond me, but he seemed to. I thought about inviting him over and talking to him, but I didn't feel like spending time with him, so instead I decided to try to catch him alone the next day.

  Since Alex had been so bad at keeping up the domestic end of the household, we had virtually no groceries. After school I borrowed Alex's car and ran to the grocery store. Even the simple things like bread, milk and peanut butter seemed to be missing from our house—or if not missing, expired. We did have some chunky milk and green hot dog buns, but they weren't very appetizing.

  I was in the bread aisle when I suddenly felt eyes on my back, and I looked up, turning around. Mike was standing there, looking right at me. We both stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.

  Finally, I picked up my loaf of bread and put it in the cart, then I went to leave the aisle, but as I passed him I said, "Congratulations, you instilled your morals in your son."

  I finished getting what I needed, then I left before I bumped into Mike again.

  I felt vaguely sullen that night, so I journaled.

  The next day I caught up with Andy before school and he was happy to tag along beside me. I listened to him talking and tried to figure out how to make my opening, when he suddenly asked if I wanted to go to church with him Sunday, giving me the perfect opening.

  "Andy, we broke up. You shouldn't still try to be so nice to me. I wasn't nice to you," I said honestly.

  He blushed a little, looking down. "I know," he admitted. "But... you were with Derek then, that's why you were acting that way. I thought since things didn't work out, maybe you realized you made a mistake, maybe we could work things out. Be us again."

  I shook my head, stifling a sigh. "It doesn't work that way, Andy. I'm sorry, but... I don't want to jump into another relationship anyway. I'm not ready, and...you need to forget about me anyway," I told him honestly.

  "But I don't want to forget you," he said quietly.

  "Then remember me, but remember me as a friend. We can't be more than friends, Andy."

  He nodded, and didn't say anything else about it. Offering a forced smile, he said he had to get to class.

  Why did he make me break up with him so many times? I felt as mean as I had the first time.

  By the time I got to class and saw Derek, I didn't feel like being cheerful. I was sick of the world and everyone in it, especially the males. No, actually I was sick of the pathetic females, too.

  The day dragged on forever.

  Lunch finally came and I planned to sit with Stephanie, but when I started toward her table I saw that Kayla was already sitting there. My gaze instantly scanned the cafeteria to find Derek, but he was sitting at his own table with his own friends.

  At least they weren't being cute. I might've lost my appetite if I had to watch them being cute together.

  Despite my attempts not to think about when Derek and I were together, I found myself longing for the days when I would've sat with Derek, no questions asked.

  But those days were gone, so there was no point thinking about it. Kayla was pregnant and apparently Derek went right back to her side, despite claiming not to care about her, despite claiming to care about me. I did notice that Derek didn't look happy, even sitting there with his friends. His smiles were only half smiles, and he didn't appear to be greatly involved in the conversation. That triggered a moment of weakness, but I fought the urge to run over to him, wrap my arms around him, and cheer him up.

  That was no longer my job. It was Kayla's.

  Moment of weakness averted, I glanced back at Steph's table and immediately saw Kayla looking at me, a small smile on her pretty face. I had a feeling that she had watched me while I was looking at Derek, and that really annoyed me. I didn't want her thinking she had anything I wanted.

  I stood there for a minute, holding my tray, trying to figure out where I wanted to sit. Steph's table was taken, I couldn't sit with Andy without giving him mixed signals, and as I looked around, I realized all the other tables seemed to filling up fast, too.

  I sighed, heading over to sit at the table next to Stephanie's where I saw an available seat.

  Chapter Twelve-

  Even though I barely got to school on time the following Monday, as soon as I got to class Derek got up and started to walk over to me, but was interrupted by the bell.

  At lunch, I saw Kayla was at Steph's table again, so I sighed, wishing I could just eat in the bathroom.

  I was surprised when I felt someone catch me by the elbow and I turned to see Derek. I blinked in surprise, and since I hadn't been expecting to see him, I forgot to breeze right past him as if he didn't exist.

  "Why are you touching me?" I asked, pulling my elbow out of his grasp.

  "You look lost," he remarked.

  I pulled myself up, rebelliously squaring my shoulders. "Well, I'm not. If you'll excuse me..."

  "Is this how it's going to be from now on?" he asked me, having the nerve to look irritated at the prospect. "You won't even talk to me?"

  "What do you expect, Derek?" I shot back, my eyes narrowing. "Would you like me to buy you a cigar and balloon and tell you congratulations?"

  "I'm not happy about this either, Nikki."

  "Well, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you should buy condoms next time you're screwing someone you don't care about."

  I started to walk away, but he caught me by the elbow again. "Wait a minute."

  "Why should I?" I asked.

  He paused for a second, looking at me with those eyes that made the ice start to melt, so I pulled away again, forcing my eyes away from his.

  "Can't we work something out?" he asked. "We can still be friends, can't we?"

  "Hell no," I said.

  "So, what, I just lose you altogether? I don't even get to see you now?"

  "You didn't lose me, Derek, you threw me away."

  With that, I turned and walked away from him, finding a seat in the far corner of the cafeteria all by myself.

  The next few days weren't much better.

  Initially, I had thrown myself back into school, and that was keeping me busy enough to keep me from any thoughts of Derek. But it seemed I c
ould never be busy enough to forget him because I still noticed every single time I would feel his eyes on me, whenever he would walk by me and steal a glance at me, or worse, when he would be walking near enough to Kayla for it to look like they were together.

  Kayla noticed too. It brought me a small measure of satisfaction that when she would notice Derek looking over at me, she would shoot me a dirty look and cling to him. It was pretty pathetic, honestly. Why would she want him if she had to make him be with her?

  I think Kayla expected Derek to be the way he had been with her when he wanted to make me jealous, so his apparent lingering interest in me made her pretty mad. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't even discreet. It wasn't that he kept voicing his interest in me, because he didn't say anything else to me after that; it was just easy to see. It was visible in the way he looked at me, the way he would look up when I would walk into a room, or get a little more alert when he would hear my voice. Kayla could yammer on for a half hour and he would just nod with a faraway expression. All I had to do was clear my throat and he would take notice.

  Boy did that piss Kayla off.

  But what did she expect? He didn't want her, he was just being an idiot.

  I did sink to toying with the idea of giving in and giving Derek a little bit of attention, and who knows where that might end up?

  But as soon as the thought of cheating entered my mind, I would think of my mother. That was what she had done, and look how things ended up for her. Before I thought Derek was different from Mike, but since I realized he wasn't, I knew enough to know that having an affair with him would only cause me more suffering, just as it had my mother. I surely didn't see myself driving head on at Kayla, but I didn't want to experience anymore pain over him either.

  I wouldn't make that mistake. My mom wanted to make Mike choose between them, but she couldn't seem to follow through. I would be stronger than that. If Derek wanted to make the wrong choice, he was just going to have to live with it. He would not have his cake and eat it too.

  It was really tempting to skip lunch every day, because lunch seemed to be the worst. Maybe it was just seeing Kayla in her glory with Stephanie, giving me smug looks that seemed to say, "Look, I get first dibs on everything you want." Seeing Derek sitting at the end of his table looking sullen didn't help. For all that I wanted to hate him –told myself I did hate him—I didn't want him to be sad, and he just looked so sad. Even at a table full of people, he somehow looked lonely.

  And I missed him. I despised myself for missing him, but I did. I longed to go sit by him and start talking about a book, just to get him to smile.

  And I only had weak moments like that at lunch.

  I started to blame low blood sugar.

  It was a Friday when lunch finally turned around. I entered the cafeteria and did my quick overview to see who was already there. I didn't see Derek, and I saw Kayla up at the front of the line, so I figured I wouldn't make it to Stephanie first. I really didn't have much of an appetite, and looking at the choices didn't really make my mouth water. I decided I would just order some overcooked fries, that way I wouldn't have to be in the lunchroom for very long, and maybe I could skip out and go to the library to do homework.

  Suddenly I sensed a presence behind me, so I turned around and saw Derek standing there again.

  I sighed and turned back around, wondering why he had to get in line behind me.

  "Hi," he said casually.

  "Hi," I replied tonelessly.

  "Hungry?" he asked.

  I turned on my heel to face him. "Why are you making small talk with me?" I asked, not playing his little game.

  He averted his gaze, looking down at his shoes briefly, then bringing his gaze back to mine. "I wondered if... I need to talk to you for a minute."

  "Why?" I asked, my expression guarded.

  He glanced around and said, "I don't really want to talk about it right here. Can we step outside?"

  I sighed again, that time on purpose. "Derek, I'm really not in the mood right now."

  "Please," he said, looking into my eyes.

  Even as I cursed myself for falling into those blue eyes, I found myself nodding. "Okay, but just for a second."

  I stepped out of line and followed Derek out of the cafeteria. We walked silently down the hall and out the doors, then Derek sat on the stone bench and waited for me to join him.

  Since he didn't start talking immediately, I decided to prompt him. "Did you have something to say to me, Derek? I would like to eat my lunch."

  He sat there for another couple seconds, so I got up to leave, but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back down beside him.

  "I made a mistake, Nikki."

  That was the understatement of the century.

  "Actually, I've made a few mistakes," he amended, looking at me solemnly. "I miss you."

  I felt my heart give an inch, but I quickly brought myself back to my senses, reminding myself what had happened last time I let my guard down with him.

  Since I didn't respond, he continued. "And I don't even know how you feel about me now, if you even... want to be with me anymore, but Nikki, I still want to be with you. I know I screwed up by getting Kayla pregnant, and I wish that I wouldn't have, but I think, if you were willing, we could still work this out. I'm sure she's going to be a bitch about it, and I'm sure she's going to make it hard on me, but I don't want to make the same mistake that my dad made."

  Wait a minute, was he saying what I thought he was saying?

  "What exactly do you mean, Derek?" I asked him skeptically, not wanting to jump to any wrong conclusions.

  "I'm not really good at this," he muttered. "I've never done it before."

  "What?" I pressed a bit impatiently.

  He stared at me for a second, then said, "I'm asking you, even though I don't deserve it... to take me back."

  My heart faltered briefly and all I could do was stare at him. "You mean... but what about Kayla?"

  "I don't give a damn about Kayla," he stated. "I'm still going to take responsibility, but like my dad said, my responsibility is to the baby, not to Kayla."

  "Your dad?" I said, finally feeling completely puzzled.

  Derek nodded. "We had another talk. It was very Ward Cleaver, but... he even advised me to do this. He told me not to make the same mistake he made."

  I never thought I would be glad for Mike giving Derek advice about that particular situation, but in that moment, I was.

  Or was I glad? Was Derek even serious? Was he able to follow through?

  "But you're with Kayla, Derek," I reminded him.

  He shook his head. "No. I only went back to her because I didn't know what I was doing, Nikki. I was... confused and I had no idea what I was supposed to do... I can't even explain to you the way I was feeling."

  Reluctantly, I felt myself sympathizing a little bit.

  "But I can't do it," he said. "If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but... I don't want to be with her, I want to be with you. I know I don't deserve you, especially not after this, and I know I'm asking you to put up with more now, because... I am going to be a father, and with Kayla being the mother it isn't going to be simple, but..."

  "Did you break up with her?" I asked.

  "Not officially, but I don't even know if I'm officially with her."

  "Well, I'd say you're definitely with her," I told him.

  He averted his gaze again. "Well, then... I guess I haven't."

  "You really should have done that before you even brought this up to me," I told him. "If you're being honest with me, if you really want me back, you really want to work things out, you shouldn't make it seem like your breaking it off with Kayla is contingent upon my response. If you don't want to be with her, break up with her, but I'm not going to wait around on you to make up your—"

  "Okay, I get it," he said, smiling reluctantly. "I am going to break up with her, and I do want to be with you. If you'll have me, that is."

  Honestly, I wasn't sure what
to say. On the one hand I was ecstatic that he wanted me back, but part of me was still miffed at being thrown away so carelessly. Then I had to acknowledge that he had just found out he was going to be a father, so it was probably understandable that he would be...

  Damn, he was going to be a father. He was actually going to have a baby with Kayla, meaning she would be in his life forever, and in my life as long as mine was tied to his.

  But I did miss him, and the longer I sat there next to him, the harder it was to even think of turning him away.

  There was one thing I had to know before I went agreeing to anything though. "I'm going to ask you a question and I want an honest answer, no matter what you think I want to hear."

  "Okay," he said, frowning slightly.

  I paused for a moment, mustering the courage to ask what I wanted to ask and act accordingly when I heard his answer. I finally did ask, "Have you slept with her since you found out about the baby?"

  "No," he replied instantly.

  I breathed a sigh of relief, even though I didn't mean to. "Good," I said. "Just so we're clear, if you would have said yes, I would have left you sitting here on this bench and never looked back."

  He nodded. "Noted."

  "But you didn't," I said, my face easing into a small smile. "You're right, you made a terrible choice, but since you've obviously seen the error of your ways, I do believe there may be hope for you, Derek Noble."

  "God, I've missed you," he said, wasting no time, placing a hand behind my neck and pulling me over so he could kiss me.

  It felt so good just to have Derek touch me again, just to feel him close. I smiled into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and snuggling up against him. "How are we going to do this, Derek?"

  "I don't know," he said honestly. "But we're going to figure it out, because I have not liked being without you."

  "No, I'm not really a fan either." I pulled back, realizing I might be giving him exactly the wrong message. "Now don't start thinking you're just going to be able to break up with me and I'm just going to come running back every time, either. If you cast me aside again, I'm not coming back, no matter how much we miss each other."