by Amanda
"I don't know what changed, I've been feeling less afraid and more certain of you for the last month or two, but something happened yesterday…I'm not sure what, but something changed. All of a sudden instead of not wanting you to touch me, all I wanted was to feel you near me, touching me, instead of just feeling safe with you, I started feeling…well, I'm not even sure what, something more, something I don't have words for. Dancing with you last night made me feel so safe and comforted, I never wanted it to end, when I had that nightmare last night all I wanted was to be in your arms.
"Today, when we were both busy all day, I missed you, I wanted to hold your hand, and snuggle with you again. I don't understand it, I have never felt this way, I've always hated when men touched me, even when you touched me, it scared me, I thought that if I held your hand or hugged you that you'd want more, but you made it clear you could live with my limits.
"Now, all of a sudden, I don't even know my limits, and I'm terrified of what this means. Tonight, I wanted to kiss you so bad, I was just going to kiss you on the cheek and then you turned and I caught your lips instead, and I was terrified. I couldn't believe what I'd done, and worst of all, I wanted to do it again." The words were pouring out of her faster and faster, until she finally stopped to catch her breath and she looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face.
"Brian, I am so sorry. I know I've led you on these past couple of days, and I don't want that. I know I want to be able to snuggle and hold hands and dance, and maybe even kiss occasionally, but I know I'm not someone you should be having sex with. You deserve someone so much better than I am; you are kind, and pure. I'm…not, Brian, I know that you deserve better. I'm sorry I've stolen so much of your life from you, I know I'm being selfish, I should have left before we got married." She cradled her head in her hands and sobbed harder.
Brian sat down on the floor at her feet, facing her; he didn't know what to make of this mess. She clearly thought, for whatever reason, that she wasn't worthy of him. He didn't know what it was that she had done that made her believe that so fervently, but it tore him apart, he felt the tears welling up in his own eyes.
"Aria, honey, why do you think like that? Why do you think that you don't deserve me, and why do you believe that you've taken something from me? If anything you've given me more than I could have ever hoped for."
"Don't say that. I've taken so much from you, aside from depending on you for everything, I've taken away the intimacy you deserve in a marriage, the biological children you deserve, the normal, happily-ever-after you should have. And, I know I don't deserve you, I don't think it." He knew that it was going to take a lot longer than six months and one night to prove to her that she did deserve him, her demons were going to take time and God to slay. All he could do for now was love her.
"Honey, you've taken nothing from me, believe me, my life was empty and dark before you. This intimacy is enough for me, the closeness we share as friends, the trust you're giving me by sharing all of this. It's enough. Anything beyond that, beyond just being with you, and being by your side is icing on the cake. If you want to hold hands, snuggle, and dance for the rest of our lives, that's fine by me, sweetheart. I just want you by my side, no matter what." And, he meant it. Of course he craved her touch, and desired more, but he would much rather have her the way he had for the last several months than not at all.
"Really? You think you can live like this, with just a few simple touches for the rest of your life?" The shock was evident in her eyes as they searched his.
"No, I know it," he held her gaze in emphasis and opened his arms in invitation. As soon as they were open to her, she was cradled against his chest, right where she belonged.
Yes, he could live this way for the rest of his life.
13
She sat in his arms, snuggled against his chest for what felt like hours. His words had been a soothing balm for her soul, it was the reassurance she needed most of all from him. She knew that eventually he would want more, regardless of what he said now, but she decided to put that out of her mind for the moment and just embrace what they had in the here and now. She couldn't believe how much had spilled out of her mouth tonight. She still had a lot of secrets, but she revealed more to him tonight than she ever thought she would, and was astonished with how healing it had been.
She lifted her head to check the time, her eyes growing wide with surprise, "Brian, it's almost two in the morning…we should probably go to bed." She knew they needed to get some sleep, but she wanted to stay in his arms where she felt safe and cherished, she made no move to get up, even though she had said the words.
"I suppose you're right, tomorrow…well, I suppose I should say today is Saturday, I have that auction to go to in a few hours," he sighed, clearly he was content where he was, too. She stifled a sigh and extracted herself from his lap.
"You're still going, even with your family here?"
"Yeah, I talked to Dad and Steven about it today, we thought we'd take one or both of the boys and you ladies could hit up the flea market and yard sales." She smiled, that did sound like a good day, she really enjoyed her in-law's company, especially little Ami, the two had bonded quickly and spent as much time as possible together. So far, she really enjoyed being an aunt.
"Hey, I wanted to ask you about these," she said, pointing to the photos on the dresser as Brian re-emerged from the bathroom after changing into his pajamas.
"Sure, what did you want to know?"
"The ones of me, and us, why haven't you or Anna ever shown them to me?" His brow furrowed in confusion while he stared at her for several long moments before finally grinning.
"The e-mail address I set up for you, have you ever checked it?" Now it was her turn to be confused, what did that have to do with anything? She told him she didn't need one, she didn't know anyone that would be e-mailing her, it seemed pointless to even have one, she'd never bothered logging back in after he showed her how to use it.
"No, I told you I didn't need one, but what does that have—" He'd pulled out his laptop and was holding it out to her.
"Here, check your e-mail." What on earth, she couldn't figure this out-oh!
Her jaw dropped as she saw message after message from Anna Erickson each with the subject line "Photos from…" with the date or experience listed. She looked up at him, a little embarrassed for thinking that they would keep something so silly from her.
"She always sends them to both of us, it didn't even occur to me that you wouldn't check your e-mail, I should have known." He shook his head and chuckled, "Come on sweetheart, you can sort through them all later, there are hundreds of them, you know how snap happy that woman is, now let's get some sleep."
She nodded and climbed into bed as he put his computer away. "You took the one of me cooking," she accused.
He chuckled again, "I did, I love how at peace and happy you are when you cook. It's one of the few times I see all of your defenses down. Now, sleep." He switched the light off and joined her in the bed. As soon as he was situated she went right to his side and snuggled in close. He let out a contented sigh as she grabbed his arm and tugged it over her side, giving him permission to hold her.
In the past men took what they wanted from her without regard for her thoughts and feelings, she was just and object to be used by them, but with Brian things were so different. He asked permission to touch her, he gave her all of the power, and he treated her touch as a precious gift to be treasured and cherished, not a debt she owed to him. Six months later and she still couldn't understand it, maybe she never would.
"I love that blue dress you found today, I can't believe it was only a dollar, and with the tags still on! You should wear it to church in the morning." Aria and Julia were sitting at the table chatting about their day of second-hand shopping while Brian and Steven put away the dishes. The kids and Brian's parents were already in bed.
"Oh, um, Aria doesn't—" Brian began to stammer in reply to his sister, clearly trying to
cover for his perpetually missing from church wife, but before she could think about what she was doing she opened her mouth and cut him off.
"I can't believe I got it so cheap either, I think I will wear it to church in the morning," she responded with a cheery smile to Julia and a quick glance to Brian's stunned expression.
"Oh, so, you gals found some good deals then?" Brian stammered as he continued to hold her gaze, Julia must not have noticed because she trudged right along, detailing all of the excellent bargains they had scored earlier in the day. Brian continued to study her, she was feeling self-conscious under his scrutiny she dropped her gaze, cutting off eye contact and tried to tune into what Julia was saying.
She understood why Brian was confused, every Saturday night for the past six months he had politely invited her to church with him, and every Saturday night for the past six months she had politely declined.
But, what Brian didn't know was that every day for the last three months she had spent hours pouring over the Bible in her room, and looking up things she didn't understand in one of the many study Bibles and Bible dictionaries he kept in the library. He went to Bible studies regularly and was always praying and talking about God's role in their lives and she was curious.
She wanted to understand what Brian saw in God that she couldn't. She wanted to understand how He worked and why he allowed suffering and hate. Out of curiosity, she had picked up the Bible in her room and began to read, and continued to read it every day, studying it, trying to figure God out. She still didn't have all of the answers to her questions, but had learned enough to know that she wanted to know more.
She wanted a relationship with God like Brian had, if God would accept her, that is, that was the biggest worry bogging her down. She knew that she needed to go to church, she had the basic understanding down, but she couldn't get the close, personal relationship she desired from books. She knew that she needed to hear the scriptures explained in a way that related to life, in a way that applied to her, and not just in a clinical, studied way.
For the last month she had been trying to pluck up the courage to accept his invitation, but hadn't found the courage to do so, until now. There was always something holding her back, she couldn't put her finger on it, maybe it was just habit, or maybe it was taking her new, private relationship with God and making it public, or the fear that He wouldn't deem her worthy of His forgiveness. Whatever it had been holding her back wasn't there anymore. All she felt now was peace and excitement, this was the right time to take the next step forward, she didn't know where her relationship with God even was at the moment, but she knew that this is what she needed to do, and when she needed to do it.
"You know you don't have to come just because my family's here, right?" Brian stood in front of their bedroom door, blocking her from joining the others for church.
Suddenly she wasn't in the safe comfort of her new home, with her new husband, she was thrust back to Nevada. It was the middle of the night, King had requested her, again. She didn't want to go, she couldn't stand the repulsive man, but it didn't matter what she wanted.
Jack pulled her up by her hair and directed her to the room where he was waiting, he opened the door and pushed her in, turned on his heel and closed the door with a thud. She started to panic, she wanted out, she couldn't do this anymore, she hated doing this, she lunged for the door, but he was there, blocking her way, an arrogant smirk on his face as he reminded her that the more she struggled, the more he enjoyed his little game. Her breathing sped up; her heart was sure to pound out of her chest at any moment, she had to get of here, now. She made another attempt at the door, but his large frame blocked the door at every opportunity.
"Aria, honey? What's the matter, are you okay?"
The images from the past cleared and she was back home, safe, with Brian looking confused and full of concern.
Just a flashback, she was safe.
She closed her eyes and tried to calm her erratic breathing.
"Brian…please…don't block…the door" she panted out, fighting the sobs she could feel building in her chest. His eyes widened and he jumped to the side immediately.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it to be threatening, I wasn't thinking. Are you okay?" She could see the ever-present unasked questions in his eyes, every time she stiffened, flinched, or zoned out like that she saw the same question in his eyes: What happened to make you this way?
"Yeah, I'm fine just…a, a…bad memory. I know you weren't trying to trap me, I know you wouldn't do that-it wasn't you. It was me and my crazy." She gave a derisive chuckle, trying, and failing to lighten the mood, he continued to study her.
"You sure you're all right? I haven't lost you like that in quite a while."
"I'm fine, I promise." She plastered on her largest fake smile. "Let's go."
"You don't have t—"
"I want to, honestly, I've wanted to for a while, but I wasn't sure how to change my answer." He answered with a huge, cheesy grin and held the door wide open for her, "After you, my lady." She laughed and walked through the door.
She sucked in a deep breath as she stared up at the huge white church in front of her. Brian stayed by her side when she'd paused in front of the glass double doors, the rest of his family had been swept into conversations with old friends and neighbors and had made their way into the building.
She was frozen in place, this was it, no going back, she knew once she stepped over that threshold everything would change. One big fear was holding her back: What if God doesn't want me? She feared she was too broken, too sinful for His love.
"Sweetheart, do you want me to take you home? You don't have to do this, I promise you no one think any different of you if you want to turn around and go home, I completely understand." She took a deep breath, and turned to face him.
"I want to…I need to. I know this is the next step that I need to take, it's just that I'm a little nervous, I can't remember the last time I was actually in a church."
"Next step?" His eyes were full of hope and a touch of confusion. She let out a sigh and attempted to gather enough courage to tell him.
"I've been studying the Bible, I don't understand all of it, or how it fits into the real world, but I've been reading it, and looking things up in some of your books, trying to understand better. I want a relationship with God like you're always talking about, but I don't know if I can, or how to go about that, but I do know that this needs to be my next step. I'm just…scared."
"What scares you?" She flushed and stared at the gravel around her feet.
"That I'm too bad, that God won't want me, that I'm not worthy of forgiveness, that He won't want me, and that…that you'll find out about everything I've done and you won't want me in your life anymore." She was on the brink of tears and tried futilely to hold them back. Brian took a step closer and held his arms out in invitation, without a second thought she stepped into his arms and he held her for a long moment before pulling back just enough to look into her eyes.
"I love you," she gasped, that's not what she expected him to say, she'd thought he'd come close to saying it before, and thought she didn't want to hear it, but now that the words were out she didn't want him to stop staying them. No one aside from her parents had ever told her that, and she could see the sincerity in his bright blue eyes, shining with unshed tears. He continued after letting his words sink in for a moment.
"And Jesus loves you, no matter what you've done or who you've been, you are forgivable, to both of us. I love you, and I want you in my life forever, no matter what you've done, the past is the past. I know you still aren't ready to forgive yourself and let yourself be free of whatever those demons are that are on your heels, but when you are, I'm here with open arms, and God is waiting for you. I promise you He won't turn you away, and neither will I."
She wanted desperately to believe him, but knew how he felt about some of the things she had done, she knew they were unforgivable, beyond what Brian was imagining.
> *~*~*
He could tell she didn't believe him and wasn't going to respond, but he knew everything he'd said was the truth. She needed more time, and he would give her as long as she needed. She'd already made much more progress than he realized, and he couldn't be more proud of her. He said a prayer of thanksgiving that his daily prayers for her weren't going ignored, God was working on her in His own time, in His own way.
He shook his head at his selfish distrust, he'd been losing faith and starting to question God when he wasn't seeing any progress in Aria's faith life, but his worries were needless, because all the while God was working on her heart. He should have had more faith.
He pulled her back in for one more hug and then glanced around the full parking lot, devoid of people, and then inside the large glass doors, the entry was empty as well.
"Looks like we missed the bells, how about we sit in the balcony, no one ever sits up there, that way if it gets to be too much or it's too soon you can let me know and we'll sneak back out." She nodded and when he started forward to open the door, she grabbed his hand.
"Hey, you missed Sunday school this morning," Todd accused after the service had concluded and they'd wandered downstairs to greet friends and family. Thankfully, they hadn't been too late, and were able to have the balcony to themselves. He was anxious to discuss the sermon with Aria, Pastor Mike's sermon had been on Christ's love and accepting forgiveness, things he knew she was struggling with. He'd watched her during the service, trying to figure out her reactions to his words, he'd caught a few tears that she'd quickly wiped away, but that was as much as he could tell.
"Brian?" Todd was still waiting on answer while Brian was lost in thoughts of his wife coming to Christ.
