by Amanda
"Sorry, yeah, since my family's back I thought I'd come with them at ten instead of coming before the rest of them…in fact I'll probably just come for the service for awhile."
"Do you think she'll keep coming after your parents head home?" Todd asked, jutting his chin out to where Anna, Aria, and Julia were talking and gushing over the Simpson's newest grandchild. He'd clearly picked up that Aria was the reason he'd be missing Sunday school for a while.
"Actually, I do. She's made a lot of progress in that direction here lately."
"I saw you two all cozy at the fireworks the other night, are you finally sharing a room?" Brian felt his eyes go wide, unless Aria had told Anna, Helen was the only other person that knew, even though Todd was one of his closest friends, he'd never mentioned it. He looked around, making sure there weren't any listening ears lurking around, they were in a fairly secluded corner and the church was clearing out fast.
"What are you talking about?"
"You mean how do I know? I have eleven kids, I know when someone's trying to pull the wool over my eyes, up until recently, she'd jump ten feet every time anyone would come close to touching her, even you. You two keep a safe distance at all times, I know if you aren't touching her, then you certainly aren't sleeping with her. But, that's all changed, I noticed at the barbecue, what happened?"
"Does Anna know?"
"No, I don't think so, as far as I know I'm the only one who's picked up on it, what about your parents?" He shook his head and gestured for Todd to follow him, they made their way into an uninhabited classroom, Brian closed the door and they took seats across from each other at the table.
"I don't know where to start." Brian let out a long breath and stared down at the table, he hoped talking this out with someone he respected and admired, someone older and with a solid marriage might help him gain some perspective.
"Let's see, you married her in Vegas, she was a total stranger, but you decided to marry her anyway. She wanted an annulment, but you refused and talked her into coming back here with you." Brian nodded, that much he'd already told him.
"Even though she's scared of you, of everyone, really, you've fallen in love with her over the last six months. Your family came to surprise you, yet they don't know that your marriage isn't…or wasn't an intimate one, so I'm assuming you found out they were in town before they showed up at your place and you're sharing a room at least for now, did I get all that?" Again, he just nodded.
"Okay, so what I want to know is what changed? In six months she's never touched you in public, yet Christian told me you danced all night with her at the street dance, and we saw you holding hands and cuddling up during the fireworks, and now, for the first time she comes to church with you. You said she's made progress, yet you still seem confused and scared about it all. What's going on, man?" He sighed, Todd was good, no wonder his kids were so well behaved, they wouldn't be able to get away with anything anyway.
"I wish I knew. Something happened to her, in her past. Something bad, though she won't tell me, she says if I knew I wouldn't want her anymore, she thinks it's so bad that not even God will want her. I can't imagine what it is, though I think someone hurt her…uh, sexually." Brian almost choked on the word, he didn't want to imagine anyone hurting her at all, but especially that way, saying the words out loud was more painful than when he'd finally put it together internally, voicing them made it seem too real.
Todd went completely rigid before asking if he was certain.
"No, she's never come out and said it, but she's made a few comments the last few days, she has horrible nightmares, sometimes she freezes and stares off into space, I think she's having flashbacks, and of course, her not wanting to be touched. I'm pretty sure that's what it is, and I think she blames herself." He scrubbed his hands down his face.
"We settled into a nice pattern, became really good friends, but she kept a safe distance, and I could lust after her from afar, and then on Thursday Helen called and let us know that my parents were on their way out and everything changed, she insisted on moving into my room before they figured us out. I told her we could just explain it all to them, that they'd understand, but she's adamant that they don't find out, she doesn't want to hurt them.
"That day, for the first time she said she wanted kids…and not even to me! She said it to Ami! A child! The day just got weirder from there. Don't get me wrong, weird in a good way, a great way really, she wanted me to touch her and dance with her—we made an agreement right after we got married that I'd only ever touch her with permission—she held my hand, and even agreed to start dating me as opposed to just being my friend. We've talked a lot in the last few days about her feelings, a little about her past has come up and just today she told me she's been reading the Word and trying to pluck up the courage to come to church. She even insists on sleeping in the bed with me, and not only that but snuggling up close to me…all night. I'm sure all of this sounds crazy, I know we don't have a typical marriage, but it is what it is, I suppose. I'm overwhelmed with all of these changes, and you know I hate mysteries I can't solve."
Todd gave him a knowing smile, "It sounds like you've been a little uncomfortable the last few nights and that's getting to you a bit too." Brian let out a puff of air.
"Of course there is always that, I thought it was hard to resist temptation before." He shook his head and with a wry smile asked, "Is it sinful to have inappropriate thoughts about one's wife?" They shared a laugh at that, and Brian thought about just how difficult it was to remain a gentleman with her snuggled against him every night.
"I think the better question is, are they really inappropriate if they're about your wife?" Todd winked, and Brian felt himself blush at that, the man really did see too much.
"I love the feel of her, I'm elated that she's finally allowing, no, asking, me to touch her, but I can't help but wonder if it's what she wants or if she's just doing all of this because my family is here. I can't make sense of her, I love her and I want to have children with her, and wake up wrapped in her arms every morning, but I don't want to push her or make her feel like she has to do anything. I don't know what to do."
"Have you told her that you love her?"
"Just this morning, twice. She didn't respond, but she smiled both times like she was pleased to hear it, which is a relief when I almost let it out before she cringed, but today she looked peaceful and grateful that I'd said it."
"It is a complicated situation, but I can see how much you love her, just keep praying on it, keep telling her you love her. Let her have her boundaries wherever she wants, maybe she needs your touch to reassure her now in a way she didn't before. I don't think it's just because your family is back, but when they leave if she wants to put the distance back, let her. And try not to let on about those thoughts, inappropriate or not." He smiled, and then sobered again before continuing. "That poor girl, I've wondered at what she's been through, I can't imagine, if she were one of my daughters I don't know that I'd respond in a very Christ-like manner."
"Daddy?" A little head poked in the door.
"Yeah buddy?" Todd and Brian both stood, knowing this was their cue, they both probably had tired and cranky families waiting on them.
"Mommy says you two are worse than a couple of gossiping school girls…whatever that means. We're ready to go home, and Pastor Mike can't close the church until we leave."
"Ah, well, at least it's school girls and not church ladies." They were already en route to the front of the church, the men made their apologies to the pastor before finding their wives to head home.
"I wondered what happened to you, Julia wanted to get the kids down for their naps, I told them all to go ahead and I'd wait for you. It's a good thing we can't all fit in one vehicle." Aria remarked after he'd explained that he and Todd just needed to talk privately for a little while. After she climbed in and was settled, she reached out for his hand.
Todd was probably right, this had little to do with his family, after al
l, they weren't here now, and they certainly weren't in their room at night. Maybe she was just coming around and this was just the push she needed.
"Aria, honey, we need to talk." He glanced at her as he drove, her lip was pulled between her teeth and her eyes were cast down, she was nervous.
"About what?"
"Well, I want to get your reaction to the sermon, but first I want to talk about our conversation this morning. I told you I love you, twice."
"You did." She said without revealing any emotion at all.
"And, how did that make you feel? Are you okay with me telling you that?" Her gaze moved to the window and she simply stared for several minutes, he thought she was going to ignore the questions when she finally answered.
"Did you mean it?"
"Of course I meant it, those aren't words I use lightly, Aria. I do love you. I don't expect you to return the sentiment, but I want you to understand how I feel about you, how much I love you."
"I liked hearing it, I didn't think I would, but I do. The last time anyone told me they loved me I was eight, and it was my mom. I like hearing you say it, it makes me feel warm and cared for, but it also makes me feel guilty and unworthy." He squeezed the hand that he was still holding, he didn't want to get into the same old conversation about her worth and whether or not she deserved love again. Instead, he decided to focus on something else she'd said, it was the first time she had ever mentioned her family, he wasn't going to let this opportunity slip by him.
"What happened to your mom? You never talk about your parents." He felt her stiffen next to him, and she seemed to debate whether or not she should tell him before finally turning to face him.
"My mom died when I was eight, it was a car accident, the other driver didn't see the stop sign and plowed right into the passenger side, she died on impact. My dad died four years later from cancer." His heart broke at the young girl denied both of her parents. This new information brought on a torrent of new questions, questions he knew he couldn't ask now.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, that's really hard. If you ever need to talk about it, I'm here. I can't imagine what that must be like." He pulled into the garage and turned off the ignition before turning to look at her more fully, she had tears streaming down her face.
"Thank you. You're a really great guy. Being around your parents has been easier than I thought it would be, they've been so loving and welcoming, I've really missed having someone care about me that way. They're wonderful people, you're lucky to have them." He smiled at that, he was very blessed to have them as his parents.
"You're right I am, thanks for putting that in perspective for me, I sometimes forget and take them for granted."
"Brian, I'm going to kiss you on the cheek, you've been warned, so please don't turn your head at the last moment again." He smirked and leaned his cheek toward her.
It was just a peck on the cheek, just an innocent little kiss. Why was his heart beating out of his chest, his palms sweating, and his entire body on alert in anticipation? He almost laughed at himself, he'd kissed women before her, actually kissed them, not just some innocent little peck, yet every time Aria touched him, no matter how innocent, it sent jolts of desire racing through his body. Everything about her was special and precious.
She leaned in and placed her lips on his cheek, right above the corner of his mouth. Her lips lingered on his skin a few moments longer than necessary and it took every ounce of will power to not turn and take her mouth with his. She finally pulled away, offering him a shy smile before climbing out and scampering into the house.
He leaned back against the headrest and let out a puff of air. He'd thought that living under the same roof with his wife and never experiencing her touch was torture. That was nothing compared to the little teases he was now getting.
He didn't blame her, or hold it against her, he knew she was just doing what she was comfortable with, and he'd never push her, but damn. As hard as he tried to always remain a perfect gentleman, and good Christian, he was still human. He still had the basic human desires of every other red blooded, heterosexual male, and his wife was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on.
This was his cross to bear, his temptation to resist, his mountain to climb, and he was going to succeed. He traced his fingers over the spot that still tingled from her kiss and amended his thought, he was going to succeed…or die trying.
14
His family's visit had flown by, while he was glad was for the time that they had been able to share, and was sad to see them go, he was also nervous and excited to see where their leaving left his relationship with Aria. He knew that their presence had helped their relationship along quite a bit, and he prayed it continued the forward progression they were in instead of going backward.
They had continued their handholding and cuddling at night, and she'd even kissed him on the cheek every night before bed since that first Sunday. He would tell her he loved her, and she'd respond with a peck on his cheek before she snuggled into his arms for the night. He knew she wasn't ready to say the words yet, but those little pecks told him what words couldn't.
"Can't you just come home with us? Pretty please with whipped cream, sprinkles, hot fudge, and cherries on top? Please Auntie Ari, please?" Ami had tried to go into hiding so she didn't have to go home, everyone else was already settled in the car when they realized she'd snuck off. Aria had gone in search of her, it only seemed right since the two had become inseperable.
"Looks like you found our little stowaway." Brian turned to smile at the girls as they made their way to the rest of them. Aria must have sensed the ear lashing Ami was about to receive and interceded on her behalf before any of the other adults could say anything.
"We're sorry that we made everyone late, but we all know that saying goodbye can be hard, and we're all going to miss each other, so let's take it easy on her, okay?" everyone nodded and laughed and Aria crouched down in front of Ami and murmured something in her that made her giggle and gave her a bear hug before wiping away her tears with her thumbs.
As with every other time he'd seen her interact with children it made his heart lurch in his chest, he wanted that. With her.
The next several minutes were spent hugging and promising to come out soon, and listening to Brian's dad grumble about the late start they were getting, it was always bitter-sweet to see them go, but this time was even more so. He knew it was selfish, but it left so many unanswered questions in his marriage.
"Can we go back to bed, four in the morning is way too early to function." Her mouth opened wide in a loud yawn to further drive home her point. He chuckled and opened the door before answering.
"Didn't you hear Dad? It’s four-fifteen, which means they are late, late, late." They both snickered at that as they slipped out of their shoes. "I plan on taking the day off to re-charge today, and I can't think of a better way to start the process than a long nap." They were standing near the bottom of the stairs now and Aria was looking at him with uncertainty, the same uncertainty he felt rolling around inside him.
It was one thing to share a bed without expectations with a house full of people around and when it was expected…but now, it was just them and there was no longer a need to pretend that their marriage was more than it was.
They stood staring at each other for several long moments, waiting for her to choose if she'd go up the stairs or down the hall before her expression changed and it was obvious she'd made a decision. She held her high and began to walk with determination toward her destination, he wore an ear to ear grin as he followed her down the hallway and into their bedroom.
Without hesitation she rolled to his side and wrapped her arms around him as soon as they were both lying down. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek before nestling further into his side. He smiled wider, though wasn't sure how that was even possible. His last thought before sleep claimed him again was that he should find reasons to nap together more often if it meant more kisses.
*~*~*
Aria woke to an empty spot where Brian had been when they'd gone to sleep, and she missed him. She caught a whiff of bacon and her stomach responded in a loud growl, she jumped out of bed and followed her nose to the kitchen, not bothering to dress. Things were so different now than they had been, even just two short weeks ago she never would have came to the kitchen in her pajamas, unless she was sick, it had just seemed too intimate.
Now, though, they were much more intimate than she ever thought they would be in a lot of ways. Physically, of course, she actually enjoyed snuggling, hand holding, hugging, and kissing him on the cheek, but it was much more than that. Their intimacy was emotional and personal in a way she'd never thought possible for her; she shared thoughts and feelings and even things about her past with him that six and a half months ago she never thought she would.
His touch was so different from that of other men. With them she was afraid of what they would do to her, with Brian her only fear was that she wanted his touch too much. She'd never experienced that before, never enjoyed or anticipated a man's touch, and certainly never initiated it. She never talked about herself or feelings in her old life, but things just had a tendency to pop out with Brian.
Of course, she still hadn't shared all of her past with him, not the really awful parts, but the closer she drew to God and Brian the more it became obvious that if she wanted to move forward with him, she'd have to share it all with him. She trusted him, and dare say, loved him, but she wasn't sure if that was enough to keep him after he knew all of her dirty secrets.
Pushing the past away and remembering her plan from shortly after she moved here to focus on the present and let the past stay put and the future handle itself, she leaned against the doorway to the kitchen to watch Brian as he finished making breakfast.
"Why didn't you wake me?" He spun around at her question, and to her surprise, frowned.
